Insomnia (Sexual Misconduct Volume I) (4 page)

Xander

I
must be a masochist.

It was the only thing that explained why I
stuck around here and stayed within blocks of the place that haunted me. Every day for six weeks I’d driven past it, and the same feeling always came over me. Overwhelming guilt, panic, and worse… dread. It felt like since I’d come back, I’d become anchored to this place, like I was being held here so some kind of justice could be dealt.

As I p
ulled up to the secluded house I’d leased, the feeling in the pit of my stomach grew sour. I parked the car in the driveway and stared at my brother sitting on the front steps. I wanted to pull off and never look back. Any confrontation with Ian felt like cutting into a barely healed wound. He’d been pushing and taunting me since I’d returned, and that day I thought I might just push back. I stepped out of the car, and he stood.

“
Not today, Ian.” I tried to bypass him, but he stepped in front of me.

“
Then when, Xander? It’s never a good time.” He stumbled, trying to keep his footing. “You can’t even look me in the eyes.”

He reeked of hard liquor
, and his eyes were bloodshot. “You’re drunk.”

“
So you’ve managed to pull yourself out from the bottom of the bottle, and now you think you’re better than me.” He laughed dryly and rubbed his eyes. “Who am I kidding? We’ve never been equals. Not even when you were a drunk.”

I watched as a car drove up the street
. I became fully alert. There was a reason I’d chosen to rent out the most secluded place around, and it was the need for privacy. Privacy was hard to find anywhere, but I’d found a place on the outskirts of Seattle that offered a more woodsy feel. So far, my Hollywood life hadn’t followed me out here, and I needed to know the second it did. The driver didn’t pay much attention to us as the car slowly rolled past.

“
Ian, shut the fuck up and go home.” I looked over my shoulder to make sure the car hadn’t stopped up the road to watch us. This was the kind of shit I avoided, the kind of shit that ended up in entertainment magazines. It happened before and the headline read:
Altercation between
Xander Pierce and his brother leads to arrests in a drunken brawl at local club.

That
was years ago when Ian came looking for me in California. I’d thought we could fix our relationship. Be brothers again. It was clear to me now the damage between us was irreparable.

I shove
d Ian out of my way and shuffled through my keys. “I don’t need your shit tonight.”

“
And whatever Xander wants, he gets. Wait… even when you don’t get it, you make sure no one else can have it either.”

“
Goodnight, Ian.” My tone was dismissive, and anyone who knew me would’ve promptly left, but Ian was a wild card, and I never knew what he’d do. He sure as shit wasn’t going to listen to anything I told him to do. I finally found the right key and pushed it into the slot.

“Do you even care anymore?
Do you think about it?” His whispered words stilled my hand on the knob. I wanted to tell him I couldn’t stop caring, but in a way I was a coward. I couldn’t face him and admit how much it tore me up, even knowing I’d shredded him to pieces also. I wouldn’t allow him see my pain, to enjoy my guilt. I’d much rather let him think I was a cold-hearted bastard than look weak in front of him.

“
It just keeps getting worse, Xander,” he said to my back. I turned the knob and stepped in with my heart in my throat and pushed the door shut without looking back at him.

I went straight to the bar. Whoever
rented the place before me left it well stocked. I should’ve tossed it all out when I arrived, but this also played into the whole masochism thing. I left it there to taunt me, to tempt me, and I’d begun to think I was trying to punish myself. It’d been years since I’d had a drink. If anything could have made me fall off the wagon, it would be Ian and all the shit coming home brought back up.

I
placed a whiskey glass on the bar top and poured the amber liquid out of the decanter. My hands shook as I lifted the glass. I put it up against my lips. The smell of it was nostalgic yet offensive. It was like running into an ex and remembering all the good times you shared, but the ugly memories quickly seeped in and darkened everything. Regardless, I still wanted to fuck her. I just wanted to bury myself so deep in her I’d lose myself for one night, and the next day I’d promise myself to give her up again.

The content of the little shot glass was
like that woman. It helped me forget—helped me sleep. But I knew tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to let her go. She’d fuck with me every single night—sing me a siren’s song. Lure me in with her wickedly sexy warmth until I couldn’t take a breath without thinking about her. This tiny little shot of whiskey would be my undoing, and I wasn’t in a place where I’d give away an ounce of the control I’d gained back in my life.

I t
ossed the glass across the room, watching as it exploded against the wall. I needed to get out of this town, but I couldn’t leave my mother alone with my unstable brother when grief overwhelmed her. My dad’s death was eating her up.

I needed to
find a way to forget again. I needed to sleep through the night.
Shit
… I needed to fuck. I snatched my phone up from the bar and sent Gabby a text.

How long will it take for you to get over here?

I thought u moved on.

How long?

I wasn
’t interested in all the other bullshit. I needed the physical exhaustion and a mind-numbing orgasm to escape it all.

I
’m not coming.

Not coming? Was she throwing a tantrum because I hadn
’t contacted her in two weeks?

Seriously?

Tired of being used.

What the fuck? Used?
I was upfront with a woman, and she accused me of using her. Obviously, it was my fault she thought she’d have the magic pussy that would tame me. I didn’t have the patience to try to convince Gabby to come over. I was already spending far too much time trying to convince Avery as it was.

Good
-bye, Gabriella

Several minutes later.

Really, that’s it?

What the fuck did she want? Was she looking for me to chase her?
Since
I just want to fuck
wasn’t clear enough to her, I’d make sure to be precise in letting her know we were done.

Fuck off
, Gabby.

FUCK U
, XANDER!

U already did. In several ways. Again
, thx for that ;-).

The phone was silent.
I thought she’d finally gotten the message and backed off, but then one last text came through five minutes later.

Bye
, Xander.

I erased the conversation and
her contact info before I placed my phone on the bar.

Three hours later
, I was in Sleepless in Seattle, but not at all comparable to the movie. I picked up my phone and scrolled down to the cell phone number I’d taken from Avery’s business card and sent her a text.

Restless. In need of therapy
.

I got out of bed and walked out onto the patio that connected to the bedroom.
The weather was mild, but what I enjoyed about being out here was the seclusion. I’d been keeping myself so busy for so many years that I never realized how taxing it all became.

I
n California, when I stepped out onto the balcony of my high-rise condo, it was all city light, traffic, crowds, and smog. Out here, the house sat on five acres of land. It backed up to a park that had acres of trees with a lake a short hike away. Here, the silence was apparent in the soft sway of the trees, the hoots of the owls, or in the chirp of the early morning birds. Not that we didn’t have trees and birds in the city, but the sounds of the city were a white noise cloaking nature’s song.

I sat back on the lounge chair and looked at the stars that seemed
close enough to touch. This was the kind of peace that should put me to sleep, but it didn’t. If anything, it was this kind of peace that ghosts lingered in, whispering in my ear. Those whispered memories were shouts without the city’s white noise.

After half an hour of pretending I wasn
’t glancing at my phone, it lit up and vibrated against the glass patio tabletop.

No
coping
mechanisms tonight?

I smiled because the first thing that came to
Avery’s mind was whether or not I was fucking someone else.

Not unless
you’re willing to come by?

I offer
mentally exhausting mind-fucks at an hourly rate. Interested?

Dr. Shaw
, I knew u had a dirty side. Let’s talk more about you fucking my mind.

Really quite boring. Lots of u
ncomfortable questions.

I chuckled
. I prefer uncomfortable positions.

I knew I shouldn
’t have responded.

But u did.
Will you pick up if I call you?

No
.

I expected that answer.

Why not?

She didn
’t respond, and I thought she’d come to her senses and turned off her phone, but then my phone came back to life.

It
’s better if I don’t hear your voice.

That was the closest she
’d come to admitting she was attracted to me.

Does my voice
turn you on, Dr. Shaw?

No response.

Because your voice makes me hard as
fuck
.

My hand had fou
nd its way into my boxer briefs. I grabbed my cock, pulling it out because it had become a little too confining in there. She still hadn’t responded. This time I was sure she’d cut me off. I tried to lure her in once more.

Would you like to see?

NO!
I smirked.

Well
, that got her to respond. Now I knew she was still there, and I would’ve happily sent her the dick pic if she’d agreed. At least my dick would’ve finally gotten into her bed.

Goodnight
, Xander.

Wait
. One more question.

What?

Are you wet?

I
pulled at my cock, envisioning her slipping her fingers under the sheet and between her legs to check. I was so
goddamn
hard that when her text came through…

So
wet.

Fuck
! I stroked my cock harder—faster—hissing as the pleasure began to mount.

Can u touch it for me?

I slid my palm over the pre-cum leaking out my cock and imagined it was her fingers, wet from touching her pussy, wrapped around my cock.

What does it feel like?

I don’t know what I did to get treated so well by Avery, but her next text proved to me I had a good chance at getting the real thing.

Soft, hot,
SLICK.

I jerked
. My hand shook as I stroked myself. My abdominal muscles clenched hard as I came with a surprised howl. The orgasm so powerful it made my head whirl as cum bathed my stomach and coated my fingers. I lay there with my dick in my hand and cool air brushing against my heated skin for several long minutes. I heard my phone buzz somewhere and turned my head to search for it.

I
’d dropped it on the floor next to the lounger. I snatched it up and read Avery’s last message.

That session was on me.

I dropped the phone to my chest, threw an arm over my eyes, and laughed. She’d purposely coaxed me to that orgasm. I kind of hoped it hadn’t all been an act and she’d actually touched herself. If sexting with Avery blew my mind that way, the real thing was going to break me.

It would be difficult
manipulating my way into the panties of a woman who spent her days
mind-fucking
patients. She was smart, so I’d have to make her stop thinking so much and start feeling. One way or another, I needed to get inside her. I let the tugging call of sleep pull me away as I thought of Avery spread out on her bed, wet for me.

Avery

“Ellie
, I’m home!” I called out from the doorway as I kicked off my shoes.

“In here,” she replied.

I followed the spicy scent of tomato sauce and found Ellie in our state-of-the-art kitchen, dumping pasta into a colander.

“Hey, babe.” I slid onto a stool at the huge center island I
’d had built before we moved in. “This is different.”

“What do you mean?” S
he smiled at me over her shoulder.

“You being home
and
having time to cook.”

Ellie
spent so much time on campus I wasn’t sure if she even lived here anymore.

“I know.
I’ve taken after you, doubling up on my course load. I’ve been crashing in a friend’s dorm a couple nights a week.”

“A
friend
?” I arched an eyebrow.

“No
, not that kind of friend. Just a girl I have a few classes with.” I frowned at her, and she held out her hands and asked, “What?”

“
You’re twenty-two now, Ellie, and I’ve never seen you with a boyfriend.”

“
Hey, pot, I’m kettle,” Ellie said sarcastically, holding out her hand, which I shoved away.

“No. Y
ou’ve seen me with Matthew.”

She rolled her eyes. “
Avery, that was over three years ago, and it was barely considered a
real
relationship.”

“And why
’s that?” I pulled my eyebrows together.

“Because you
two were more like friends who fucked. There was no real… love there.”

“I love Matthew!”

“As. A. Friend.” She rocked her head from side to side with each word.

She was right
, but I wouldn’t admit it. It was the reason Matthew and I called it quits, because there was no real passion between us. “Maybe I’m trying to save you from my lonely existence.”

“You wouldn
’t be lonely if you’d just let people in.”

I laughed once at the irony. “I guess that
’s a problem we both have to overcome.”

She
smiled sadly, then continued to move about the kitchen. Ellie was all I had as family. We’d met in a foster home after my parents died. There’d been no one willing to take me in. The first place I’d been sent to was bad. The woman who ran it was sweet, but her husband was a drug addict who eyed me every time we were in the same room. Fortunately, my parents had one friend who did all she could to make sure I was transferred into a new home once she got a glimpse of what I was up against. I thanked God for her, because the next place was manageable and I’d found Ellie. There, we were ignored and left to fend for ourselves, but that had been way better than being somewhere where you got the kind of attention a little girl shouldn’t be aware of.

E
llie, with her long blonde tangled hair, had been five years younger than me, and she’d clung to me from day one. The feeling of being needed became everything to me. I took that little eleven-year-old girl under my wing and never let her feel alone again.

The
only problem had been that I aged out of the system way before Ellie. The day I left, she’d broken down. She thought I’d never come back, that she’d never see me again. I made a promise to her that day that I’d always come back for her, and it was exactly what I’d done. By the time Ellie turned eighteen, I had a college diploma and a trust fund that allowed me to keep us together as a family.

Ellie placed a plate of pasta in front of me and sat next to me with hers. She nudged me gently with her elbow to get my attention. “What are you thinking about?”

“How far we’ve come.”

She
smiled, one of those faraway smiles that happened when you took a trip down memory lane and were satisfied with where you ended up.

“Yeah
, we have.” She leaned her head against mine and sighed. “Family matters, right?”

“Yeah, Ellie, it does.”
Family matters
were the words I whispered to her every night, because if I didn’t—in our situation—we would’ve forgotten.

“I love you
, Avery.”

“Love you too
, Ellie.” We tuned out the past and talked about her classes while we enjoyed the dinner she’d made us.