Just for Now (8 page)

“You don’t like the job?” Natalie asked now in surprise. “I thought
it was working out.”

“Besides the job,” Jenna clarified.

“Besides taking care of Finn and the kids, not to mention
me,” Natalie said dubiously.  “Why?”

“Because it’s not enough. What am I supposed to do with a
day and a half off every week? Hide in my room? OK, I do my long run. I come
over here and cook for you. I hang out a little bit. That’s maybe one day, all
together.
If
I stretch it out.”

“I see what you mean,” Natalie admitted. “It’d be different
if it were your own house.”

“Exactly. That’s their family time. And Finn’s quiet time to
recover after the game. Plus, you know, if he wanted to have anyone over, I’d
be in the way. It feels awkward to be there, so I stay away. But it’s pretty
hard to find somewhere to be all that time. And it feels a little pathetic, you
know. Wandering the streets.” She tried to make a joke of it, but felt forlorn
all the same. “I hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be not to have my own
place to go to.”

“You could always come here,” Natalie offered. “More than
you do. My flatmate wouldn’t mind, I’m sure.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. But I was actually thinking of
volunteering. Finding a Year One classroom where they could use my help. If I’m
going to go back to teaching in the new year, it’d be good to spend a little
time in the classroom. See how they do things in Auckland.”

“Not that differently to how they do them in Wellington,” Natalie
laughed. “Not like it’s very far away.”

“I was thinking about one of the schools with more Maori and
Islander kids. That’d be a change, and a challenge. South Auckland, maybe.”

“Don’t want to get too far away, without a car. You don’t
want to spend half your Monday on a bus, going all the way down to Manukau or
wherever. You could try Onehunga or Mangere, though. They’d be chuffed to have
you, I know that.”

“Good ideas. I’ll make some calls tomorrow, see what would
work,” Jenna decided. “You want any more of this?”

“Nah. Thanks, as always.”

“No worries.” Jenna got up to wrap the leftovers and put
them into the fridge for Nat’s dinner the following night. “Thank you for the
company. And the suggestion.”

“I appreciate you coming with me today,” she told Natalie the
next weekend as they left Smith & Caughey’s and made their way down the
road toward Glassons. “It’s lucky that Finn’s game was at home this week, so I could
get you to help me. I’m not that confident picking out clothes by myself. And I’m
going to feel much more secure tomorrow if I know I look good. Kind of silly, I
know. It’s not like the kids will care. But it’ll help anyway.”

“I’ve decided I’m glad you have something else to focus on,”
Natalie said. “And something to remind you that this post is temporary. Because
I’m worried about you.”

“Why? I’m doing great.”

“Yeh. Too great, I’m thinking.”

“What does
that
mean?”

“Do you realize how many times you’ve mentioned Finn and the
kids today? And every time I’ve seen you? How involved you are?”

“Well, of course I am. I’m living there. That’s my life
right now, taking care of them.”

“But it
isn’t
your life. Not really,” Natalie said bluntly.
“It’s a job. They’re not your family. You do realize that, don’t you? D’you
think it’s a good idea to get so attached?”

“You can’t help but get attached. You know that. It seems
like you get one or two kids every year who are special, who worm their way
into that spot in your heart.”

“Yeh, but you don’t adopt them. And you don’t go live with
them—or their fit All Black dads either.”

“What, Finn? Come on. I’m smarter than that.”

“Yeh, right. Why are we shopping today, again?”

“Because I need new clothes for volunteering. I told you.”

“Uh-huh. Then why did you just buy three pairs of jeans that
make your bum look good, instead of those Mum jeans you were wearing? And why
have you suddenly decided to stop hiding your tits? Mind you, I’m not saying
that’s a bad thing. If mine looked like that, I’d be showing them off left, right,
and center.”

“You’re awful,” Jenna laughed. “Yeah, OK, I realized I was
wearing my clothes too big.
All
my clothes. I’m not overweight any more,
and I should be enjoying that. I’ve worked hard enough for it.”

“Yeh, you have. But, I forget now, who pointed that out to
you?”

“You, for one. I know you said something like that, the
first week I was here.”

“And it made such an impact that you bought, let’s see,
no
new clothes in response. But Finn Douglas tells you you’re hot, and suddenly
you’re out with me, buying a new wardrobe.”

“He didn’t say I was hot,” Jenna protested.

“Yeh, he did,” Natalie said positively. “Told you your cossie
was too sexy, right?”

“Just because he was concerned about, you know, my image or
something. Out with his kids.”

“Nah. Because he liked what he saw. And that made him
uncomfortable.”

“Even if he does think I look . . . nice,” Jenna said, “it doesn’t
mean he has a thing for me. You didn’t see his girlfriend. I don’t even come
close.”

“I could debate that too. Anyway, he’s a sportsman. I think
we can take it as read that he has a thing for you. I’m not concerned about
that. I’m worried about how much of a thing
you
have for
him.
He’s
not your man, and they aren’t your kids.” Natalie was serious again now. “I
have a feeling that you wish they were. And I’m worried that you won’t be
guarding your heart.”

Jenna stopped walking and turned to look at her friend. “Nat.
I told you. I’m smarter than that. I know who and what I am. And that it isn’t
what Finn’s looking for. I like him. I like him a lot. He’s a really decent
guy, and a good dad. And yes, I like how he looks. How big and strong he is.”

“But you don’t fancy him,” Natalie said dubiously.

“Come on. I can appreciate him—
and
how he
looks—without climbing into bed with him. You think he’s hot too. Admit it.”

“Oh, I admit it. I’d be all over that, given the chance. You
can invite me to come by anytime, not that I think you will. He may not be a
looker, but he’s got that craggy, manly thing going on. Great physique. But it’s
dangerous, living with someone you fancy. I’m not so worried about you jumping
him. I don’t really see that happening. What about when he makes a move on you,
though? What are you going to do then? Tell him you’re not that kind of girl? I
reckon it’s going to be more like, ‘Kiss me again, big boy.’”  

“Let’s hope my strength of character isn’t put to the test,”
Jenna said ruefully. “I’m afraid you could be right.
If
that happened. But
I don’t think it would. Because Finn’s realistic too. He needs me too much. As
a nanny,” she clarified hastily. “And he’s not short of girlfriend options, I’m
sure.”

“But he isn’t dating anyone now, is he?” Natalie asked.

“It’s only been a couple weeks since he broke up with the
personality-impaired Ashley,” Jenna pointed out. “And that’s another thing. All
right, she was gorgeous. But she wasn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. Cool to cold,
I’d say. So, I’m clearly not his type. I can look, but I’m not fooling myself
there’s going to be any touching going on. Don’t worry about me.”

“Just watch yourself,” Natalie warned. “That’s all I’m
saying.”

Jenna studied herself critically. The outfit had looked good
in the shop yesterday, and Natalie had assured her that it was flattering. But
now, in her own bedroom mirror where she was used to viewing herself in
decidedly looser clothing, she wondered. Was it a bit much? She wanted to make
a good impression, and it
was
a classroom. And her first day. Better to
err on the conservative side. She debated changing back into one of her
familiar, comfortable outfits. But both Finn and Nat had said she wore her
clothes too loose. And she did
look better this way, she could tell.

Everything she’d bought yesterday had passed muster with
both Natalie and the saleswoman, Jenna reminded herself. The black knit skirt
wasn’t really short, after all, just a few inches above the knee. Her
Kiwi-style black tights meant that she wasn’t even showing any skin. And the
long-sleeved top was pretty. She stroked a hand down the side of the knit
fabric with its richly saturated purple and green paisley print. The cut,
although trim, couldn’t be called tight, while the high keyhole neckline added
a bit of flair without being in the least revealing.

She couldn’t stand here dithering. If she didn’t get going,
she wasn’t going to have a chance to eat anything before catching the bus.
Still, when she entered the kitchen and found Sophie and Harry finishing their
cereal and toast, she couldn’t resist the question.

“What do you think of my new outfit, Sophie? Does it look
OK?”

Great. Now she was asking fashion advice of a
seven-year-old.

Sophie paused with her spoon halfway to her mouth and looked
her over critically. “I like the shirt,” she pronounced. “It’s pretty. You look
nice.”

Jenna exhaled. “Thanks. I bought new clothes yesterday when
I went shopping with my friend. And I’m a little nervous about them.”

“Let’s ask Daddy,” Sophie suggested as Finn came into the
kitchen. “Don’t you think Jenna’s new clothes are pretty?” she demanded of her
father.

Finn looked Jenna over. “Very pretty, I agree.”

“Daddy sees heaps of ladies,” Sophie told Jenna helpfully.
“And they always wear lovely dresses. So he knows.”

“Jenna’s prettier than Daddy’s ladies, though,” Harry
argued. “Jenna’s the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jenna laughed. “My target demographic,” she
explained wryly to Finn. “I profile extremely well with five-year-old boys.”

“I reckon you can aim a wee bit higher than that.” Finn’s
answering smile was warm, his eyes appreciative. “You did some shopping, eh.”

“Yeah. You said my clothes were too big,” Jenna said
self-consciously. “And my friend agreed. I’m not used to looking like this,
though. You don’t think everything’s a bit . . . a bit tight? Like I’m trying
to be . . .” Her voice trailed off.

“Sexy?” he asked bluntly. “Nah. I wouldn’t say you look like
you’re trying. I’d say you just can’t help it.”

“I knew it. OK. I’m changing.” Forget breakfast, she
decided. Better to go hungry than to show up looking like she was headed to a
nightclub.

“Aw, geez. Don’t change,” Finn said hastily, putting out a
hand to stop her as she turned to go. “I shouldn’t have said that. Nothing’s
too tight. There’s nothing wrong with looking pretty, wherever it is you’re
going. Unless you’re volunteering at Pare, that is. Then I’d consider a nun’s
habit. Anyplace short of that, you’re gold.”

 “At where?” So this outfit
was
wrong for
volunteering. She’d known it.

“Paremoremo. The prison,” Finn explained. “Sorry. Stupid
joke. You look good. Don’t change.”

He was sweating a bit now. How had he got himself into this?
At least she hadn’t asked if the skirt made her bum look big. But there was
still no right answer. He certainly couldn’t tell her that the skirt made her
bum look choice. Or that his hands itched to untie the little bow at the top of
that hole in her shirt. Inappropriate, he reminded himself again. Inappropriate
and dangerous.

“Done with brekkie?” he asked the kids instead. “Hit your
straps, then, and let’s get on to school. Give Jenna some peace.”

“Don’t change,” he ordered Jenna again. “You look good.
Trust me.”

Jenna smiled a hello at the group of mums waiting for their
kids outside the gates of Mt. Eden Primary on Thursday morning. She stood a bit
apart, as always. Everyone was pleasant, but she was a nanny, not a mum, and
she’d felt the distinction being made from the beginning.

“Jenna!” Sophie burst out of the gate with her friend
Caitlin beside her. “Can Caitlin come over?”

Jenna blinked in surprise. Sophie’d been weepy this morning
as she’d said goodbye to Finn, and she’d expected more tears this afternoon. It
was good to see her so cheerful.

“I think so,” she said cautiously. “If she asks her mum.”

“Hi.” Caitlin’s mum moved to join them, her small son with
her. “Siobhan,” she reminded Jenna. “And this is Ethan.”

“Jenna McKnight.” Jenna reached out to shake hands, then braced
herself for Harry’s exuberant arrival. He’d been the last to arrive, as always.
Somehow, it always seemed to take him longer to get out the door than anyone
else. His mind was on more important things, no doubt.

“Sophie’d like Caitlin to come to the house today,” she told
the other woman as she disentangled herself. “Would that work for you?”

“Don’t see why not, for an hour or so,” Siobhan agreed.
“She’s been there before. I know where you are.”

“Let me give you my mobile number.” Jenna dictated it as
Siobhan typed it into her phone. “Till four-thirty? Does that work for you?”

“Course. We’re just a few streets away. Ethan and I will
walk part of the way with you, in fact.”

“Muuumm!!” Caitlin wailed when Siobhan arrived at the house later
that afternoon. “We aren’t finished yet!”

“They’re making friendship bracelets,” Jenna explained.
“Sophie got a kit for her last birthday, but for some reason she’s only now
become interested. Now, of course, it’s the new obsession. Can you stay a few
minutes while they finish up, have a cup of tea?”

“Always the way,” Siobhan agreed. “And I’d love a cuppa.”

 “Harry, why don’t you take Ethan to your room?” Jenna
suggested. “Show him your collections. I’ll bet he’d like to see them.”

“OK,” Harry said agreeably. “C’mon, Ethan. Come see my
animals.”