Katie Opens Her Heart (8 page)

They followed him and took their seats as he opened the big family Bible. He began reading in the book of Psalms, chapter forty. “I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me…”
A verse most appropriate
, Jesse thought as he read on.

Chapter Eight

Katie finished the last of the breakfast dishes after the morning rush of chores. She pulled the plug on the drain and watched the water rush down in a small whirlpool. She looked away, her thoughts going to
Mamm
sitting in the living room.
Mamm
wouldn’t be waiting to read the Scripture like other families did each morning. People simply didn’t read the Scriptures out loud with no
daett
in the house. At least that’s what
Mamm
claimed. It hadn’t bothered Katie much before, but it did this morning. Her feelings were changing with the news of Jesse’s proposal of marriage. Could it be that someday soon the Scriptures would be read aloud each morning again? The thought thrilled Katie and made her even more hopeful that
Mamm
would change her mind about Jesse’s offer.

Mamm
hadn’t spoken all morning, other than what was necessary to get the work done. But now she was getting ready to speak. Katie read the signs at breakfast. They were written on
Mamm
’s face—the tense jaw and the sorrowful look in her eyes.
Mamm
had a soft heart, but when she believed something there was little chance of persuading her otherwise. Nor was there much chance of holding back a lecture once she’d decided it must be delivered.

Not that Katie hadn’t tried before. And on the subject of Jesse Mast, she felt she must. This was too important a matter to not weigh in. Perhaps
Mamm
thought this was only about her relationship with Jesse, but it wasn’t.
Mamm
might think she could take away her daughter’s job at Byler’s and life would return to normal, but she was wrong. It was too late for that. From now on,
Mamm
would need to consider Katie’s views on family matters. If not on
Mamm
’s thoughts on Jesse Mast, then at least on matters pertaining to Katie’s life. It was, after all,
her
life—not
Mamm
’s or anyone else’s. If she was interested in boys,
Mamm
would have to accept the fact.

At least
Mamm
didn’t know she’d spoken so casually with the
Englisha
boys at Byler’s. If she knew,
Mamm
would probably call on Deacon Elmer. Not that Deacon Elmer could do anything since he believed in
rumspringa
. With that choice taken from her,
Mamm
likely decided to take care of the problem on her own.

“Katie!”
Mamm
called from the living room. “I thought you were almost done with the dishes. Do you need help?”

“
Nee
, I’m done,” Katie answered. “I’m coming.”

“I have some things to speak with you about before you leave,”
Mamm
said. “Please hurry. There’s not much time.”

“
Yah
,
Mamm
.” Katie kept her voice calm. Getting upset with
Mamm
wasn’t going to help. They would have this conversation like two adults should. Like Arlene no doubt had conversations with her
mamm
and
daett
. Katie walked across the kitchen floor, pausing to straighten a chair before continuing. Perhaps she was stalling. After all, the conversation ahead probably wouldn’t be a pleasant one. She took a deep breath and entered the living room.

Mamm
was sitting on the couch, their large black Bible open on her lap. The Bible
Daett
used to read from. Oh, it would be so
wunderbah
to have
Daett
sitting in the living room on a morning like this, his Bible open on his lap, his deep voice filling the room as he read the sacred words.

“Please sit down,”
Mamm
said. “We have to talk.”

Katie sat on the couch, her hands in her lap.

“Look at me, Katie. What I have to say is very important for both of us.”

Katie lifted her eyes. She owed
Mamm
that much cooperation, she figured.

“I’ve been thinking since last night.”
Mamm
smiled a bit. “I don’t know why Jesse Mast is showing an interest in me or why you seem to be changing, but I don’t like either one. I want things to stay the way they’ve been. We’ve been happy. I don’t want to allow anything to happen that will end our happiness. On my part, I’ve told Jesse I’m not interested in being his
frau
. On your part, I want you to curb your interest in boys.”

“What did you tell Jesse exactly?” Katie fixed her gaze on
Mamm
’s face.

“I simply told him I’m not interested in him as my husband.”

“
Mamm
…” Katie sighed. “The truth is that I need a
daett
and you need a husband.”

“Katie!”
Mamm
said, “How can you say that? How can you think that? Have you been unhappy with our life together and not told me?”

“It’s not about whether I’ve been happy or unhappy. It’s about whether
Da Hah
has happiness for me in the future—and happiness for you too. Even more happiness than we’ve known in the past. It won’t happen if we close the door to His will.”

“You think you know
Da Hah
’s will more than I do? I’m your
mamm
!”

Katie sputtered, “I might know something about it because I’m open to change…and you’re not. You act like…like…like Jesse committed a sin for wanting you as his
frau
. I think it would be
wunderbah
to have a
daett
. In fact, this might, perhaps, be among the best things that could happen to us. I think you should say
yah
and become his
frau
. After all, it’s not like another man will show up anytime soon.”

Mamm
looked horrified. “I can’t believe you’re talking like this, Katie! What has happened to my little girl?”

“I’m not a little girl anymore,” Katie declared. “That’s what’s happening to me. Why don’t you open your eyes? You are, after all, my
mamm
.”

Tears sprang to
Mamm
’s eyes. “Oh, Katie, you don’t know how it tears my heart apart to hear you talk like this. You’re changing into someone I don’t even know.”

Katie looked away. “I’m sorry.” She knew she shouldn’t be speaking to
Mamm
this way. A few months ago—or even a few weeks ago—she wouldn’t have even thought to say such words. But something
was
changing inside her, and it couldn’t be stopped now.

Mamm
moved closer and slipped her arm around Katie’s shoulder. Katie laid her head against
Mamm
’s shoulder. They sat in silence, not moving as the old clock ticked on the living room wall. When the half-hour chime went off a few minutes later, Katie sat up.
Mamm
kept hold of her hand and whispered, “You’re still my child, Katie.”

“I know.” Katie nodded. “But I guess you’ll have to accept that your little girl is growing up.”

Mamm
squeezed her hand. “Growing up doesn’t have to include the desire for Ben Stoll or any other boy.”

“But that’s not normal,
Mamm
,” Katie countered. She needed to leave for work, but she felt she had to make her
mamm
understand. “
Mamm
, I don’t want to hurt you, but the truth is that I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being looked at as strange. I’m tired of people pitying me because I’m Emma Raber’s daughter. Do you know that everyone calls me that? I want to be known as
Katie
Raber for a change. I want to be accepted as me, a person separate from you. I want people—including boys—to look at me and see me not you.”

Tears were in
Mamm
’s eyes again. “You’re all I have, Katie. I can’t lose you.”

“You could have more,” Katie said. “Jesse Mast is offering you a whole lot more. You could be a
mamm
to more children who need you. You’re not that old. You might even have another baby in the house, not to mention the five children Jesse already has. And I would have a
daett
.” Katie took a deep breath. She must leave or she’d be late for work. These were hard truths she was saying, but they seemed to bubble up from inside of her, demanding expression.

Mamm
cleared her throat. “If I lose a daughter—as it seems I am—then having a husband I don’t love won’t make my life any better. I’m not accepting Jesse’s offer even if he comes back.”

“Well, I hope he does come back,” Katie insisted. “And I hope you change your mind.”

“He won’t be back. I told him I wasn’t interested, and any decent man would have the sense to take
nee
for an answer. As for you, Katie, I wish you would feel sorry for the way you’re acting.”

“I can’t change the way I feel.”

Mamm
didn’t answer for a long time. Katie was ready to speak again when
Mamm
turned toward her. “I wish you would believe me when I tell you that we have something very
wunderbah
between us. This is our home. A safe place from an evil world out there that’s full of pain. We don’t have to change, Katie. We don’t have to experience the pain that’s out there. We don’t need others to be happy. But if you go running after a boy, all he will give you is heartache and suffering. And the same thing will happen to me if I accept Jesse’s offer. It will not bring happiness to either of us. I had my chances at happiness, and they were taken away from me. Can you understand that, Katie?”

“I don’t think
Da Hah
offers us only two chances at happiness,
Mamm
. He’s offering you a third chance—but you won’t take it.”

Mamm
seemed to tune Katie out. “You were the miracle that brought the love for your
daett
alive in my heart, Katie. You were the part of him that became a part of me. Together your
daett
and I brought new life into the world unlike any before us.
Da Hah
allowed me to see this so clearly that love came alive in my heart. Then your
daett
was taken. It seemed like
Da Hah
had something against me. Like there was a terrible sin I’d done that needed paying for. Can you understand that, Katie? Can you see what might happen if I told Jesse I would marry him? What we have between us might die forever, and what comes afterward might be a whole lot worse than anything we have yet experienced.”

“But,
Mamm
,” Katie countered, clutching her mother’s hand, “
Da Hah
could help us experience even more happiness.”

Mamm
shook her head. “
Nee
, Katie. I will not reach for such heights again. I am thankful
Da Hah
was once gracious to me.”

“I really must go.” Katie got up and moved toward the front door.

Mamm
nodded but said nothing more.

Katie glanced back as she went out the door.
Mamm
was still sitting on the couch and staring out the window.

Chapter Nine

Thirty minutes later Katie pulled to a stop at the intersection near Royal Farm’s gas station. She looked both ways before venturing ahead. As the buggy wheels hummed beneath her, Katie’s mind drifted back to the tense moments at home this morning. At least
Mamm
had relented a bit and come outside to help hitch Sparky. And they had embraced before Katie had climbed inside the buggy.

Katie held on tight to the lines and thought of Ben Stoll. She pictured Ben driving into their driveway, just like Jesse had done the other evening, and then tying his horse to the hitching post. What an impossible dream. At least
Mamm
was right about that. The sooner she got rid of her silly daydreams about Ben the better. She’d been wishing she wouldn’t be so obsessed with him anyway. Maybe this
kafuffle
with
Mamm
would help move her in that direction. If
Mamm
had her way, Katie would never think about boys again. That was impossible! Even if her
mamm
had resolved to do that in her own life, it was unreasonable to expect her to do the same. At least
Mamm
had been married and borne a child. That made quite a difference. But to hope her daughter would never love a man or find a husband? Is that what
Mamm
was asking of her?

Mamm
hadn’t quite worded it that way, but from the sounds of it, she expected Katie to remain single all her life. What a depressing thought. The years stretching before her in such a condition seemed empty and cruel, to say the least. Her cozy little world with
Mamm
no longer looked safe. In fact, it looked threatening.

Katie sighed as she held the reins loosely in her lap. Why couldn’t
Mamm
understand? Somehow
Da Hah
would have to open up a way to get through.
Mamm
’s way of thinking just wasn’t right. They both needed a normal family life—that was for sure.

Ahead of her, Byler’s Store came into view. Eventually Katie slowed down to make the turn into the driveway. When she stopped by the hitching post and climbed out, Esther Kuntz’s car pulled in. Esther waved, and Katie smiled and waved back. Before she’d unhitched Sparky, Esther’s cheerful voice called out, “What a lovely day, isn’t it!”