Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (8 page)

By now, your instincts should be telling you there are people out there, and probably in your life, who are just not okay. I don’t want you to panic, and I don’t want you to become a cynic, but I do want you to listen to that inner voice—a voice that may give you the sense of unease that security specialist Gavin de Becker calls “the gift of fear.” If you feel that, you must ask yourself what’s bothering you. When you do, think about everything in this chapter. Go back through the “Evil Eight,” and see what applies. If you’re still not sure, ask somebody you trust if the criteria really apply to the person in question, from their point of view.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore that feeling. I know that goes against how you think you should behave. We’re taught not to be suspicious. We don’t want to be paranoid. We’ve been told since childhood that we should give people the benefit of the doubt, that we should trust people.

But what I’m saying is you should trust yourself
first
. In the end, that’s the only way you can protect yourself and your family. That doesn’t mean you should be suspicious of everyone, any more than you should trust everyone. What you should do is suspend judgment until you know more. To do otherwise is to discard data and ignore the available information. That never makes sense.

We have all been taught to give people the
benefit of the doubt
, as though doing so is a virtue, as though it is a reflection of our evolved character, the moral high ground. The new “Life Code”
calls for a very different attitude and practice. I think it is reckless, not virtuous, to blindly give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m an incurable optimist, I really am, but I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. I just don’t. Nor do I automatically judge them negatively. I approach people from a neutral standpoint, then start gathering data from the first impression on, and finally form an opinion when I have enough information. I don’t judge books by their covers, so to speak, and neither should you. I want you to rethink your first instinct of trusting people until they prove unworthy. I want you to say, “You know what? I’m not going to do that anymore, nor am I going to prejudge somebody as bad. I’m going to keep an open mind and gather data. But if my instincts are telling me there is something not quite right with someone, I am going to listen to
me
,
and they’re going to go on my special watch list.”

And by the way, you don’t have to let everyone into your life in the same way. You can have differing levels of trust, appropriate to your level of involvement with people—strangers, casual acquaintances, people you deal with in business, neighbors, close friends, family members.

One of my dearest friends is a brilliant billionaire. I could call him right now and say, “Hey, I need you here; I need your help.” And I don’t care what he was doing—he would stop everything, call his pilot, fire up the burner, and be on my doorstep as fast as his private jet could get him here. But, he’s a notorious womanizer. So, if I had a daughter in college or young sister, I definitely wouldn’t say, “Oh, by the way, could you please stop in Dallas on the way and pick her up?” I would trust him with my life but not with my women! Ha! I’m kidding, sort of.

There are other people I wouldn’t do business with, but I might not tell them to get out of my life. I wouldn’t have them in my home, I wouldn’t lend them my car, and I certainly wouldn’t entrust my kids to them. But if they’re going be at the Sunday social, am I going to skip it? Nope. I don’t think they’re going to pick my pocket, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to invite them in where they could hurt me or take advantage of me. Maybe you have neighbors you say hello to but wouldn’t invite into your home. That’s not being inhospitable; that’s being careful and recognizing limits and boundaries. I have “tennis buddies” who I have “known” for years and trust 100 percent at the
level of my involvement
with them. I trust them to reliably show up when we set up a game, to not cheat, to not pout, and to not go nuts if they have a bad day. I trust them to play hard, compete well, and generally be pleasant to spend two hours with. Before I would take the relationship to the next level, I would need more information. That they are a good “tennis buddy” is a positive, but it does not mean they would be a good business partner. Plato said, “You can learn more about a man in an hour of play than in a year of conversation,” so it does help—it is data, but it is not sufficient.

What do you need to take a relationship to the next level? Relevant observations and information from which you can make attributions to the person. If it is to determine whether a business relationship is prudent, you need references from people who have been where you are thinking of going. You need a credit and legal history. You need to pay attention to the relevant values they espouse. Given hypotheticals, how do they problem solve?
Do not
assume that because they are fun to fish with, or go to the movies with, that they are worthy of betting any part of your family’s future on.
No benefit of the doubt
. That is just bad life management and is excluded from the new “Life Code.”

Remember I said at the beginning of the chapter that there were people in your past about whom you’d say, “I wish I knew then what I know now?” Well, if you’ve been paying attention to this chapter, you may never have to say that again.

Now, before I wrap up this chapter, there is one other scan I want you to do. I recommend you get into the habit of doing what I call a “situational scan.” Before I even tell you what I mean, let me assure you that I’m not trying to turn you into a Navy Seal or James Bond or some freaky paranoid who walks into a room and gets all shifty-eyed. But I do want you to develop that “urgent awareness” I have been talking about.

For some reason, I have had a particular habit throughout my life, even before I was trained in the field of psychology. That habit was to come into any new situation or setting and immediately, consciously, and systematically “scan” the room to get a feel for what was going on and who was involved. I believe it is a good and healthy thing to have social sensitivity. Most people have social sensitivity to some degree. We “read” our audience. Are they bored and wanting to change the subject or move on? Are they confused and frustrated? Are they loving what you are doing and offering you encouragement, verbal or nonverbal, to carry on? Tuning into this “vibe” is social sensitivity. I want you to consciously and purposefully take that social sensitivity to the next level.

If Robin and I go to a restaurant, I’ve always had the habit of trying to position myself where I could see the largest part of the room. (In Texas we call that the gunfighter’s chair! It would drive me crazy to have my back exposed to the entire room.) Once seated, if not before, I immediately, discreetly, but purposefully do a visual scan of the room. If the guy three tables away is getting drunk and noisy, I don’t do anything about it, but I do make a mental note. If a couple sitting next to us is arguing and the man is shaking his finger in the woman’s face, I just take that into account. If there is a table full of fans with University of Oklahoma clothing and paraphernalia on and they’re next to a table with University of Texas clothing and paraphernalia, I add that to my mental checklist. If things “get drunk out,” this could become a volatile situation. If, sometime during the evening, trouble erupts in any of these noted areas, I’m not saying I’ll get involved, but I also won’t be blindsided. I won’t be caught unawares.

If, on a more personal note, some guy is really flirting with my wife, even a little bit, I pay attention. Robin is very good at handling this sort of thing on her own and probably doesn’t need my help in the least. But if she does, I’m not going to spend the first five minutes getting “caught up” on what she’s talking about.

If someone, just out of the blue, becomes uncharacteristically and totally enchanted with you, charmed by you, and focused on you, that might feel good, but come on—at least ask yourself, “why?” Maybe you just woke up today and have a newfound magnetism, but then again maybe not.

If someone is staring at you, pay attention. Watch for agitation, animated behavior, bizarre behavior, or emotionally charged conversation or interactions. Be ultra-aware if it is a situation where alcohol is being consumed, because it could be a factor.

I was recently attending my good friend Ron White’s comedy show at one of the casinos in Las Vegas. After the show (hilarious by the way, a “must” on your bucket list), a group of us—including Robin; Ron and his fiancée, Margot; and my son, Jay, and our daughter-in-law, Erica—had dinner at a restaurant in the casino. When we were done, I called for security to escort us through the casino, but they were given the wrong instructions on where to meet us. After waiting a bit, we decided to go on without them. Bad idea. Poor situational awareness. I knew better but hoped that if I kept my feet moving and got to the elevators, we would be okay. Wrong.

Now, please understand, I don’t consider myself some big celebrity who needs bodyguards and escorts, but I have to say, late hours plus free alcohol plus a vacation mentality of relaxed standards plus opportunity add up to trouble every time. I think maybe because I have been on television every day for ten years, people feel some degree of familiarity, which the vast majority of the time is just wonderful, but add in all the other factors I mentioned, and that dynamic can change in a hurry.

I’ve been in casinos late at night before. By the time it’s 2 or 3 a.m., a lot of patrons are beyond drunk. Invariably, some guy, or three or four, who have had a big bowl of that “loudmouth soup,” decide they want to have a session with Dr. Phil. And sure enough, that is exactly what happened that night. A group of highly inebriated guys from Atlanta saw me and started yelling and running over.

“Hey, Dr. Phil, how’s that working for you?” (Very original!)

“Hey, my wife quotes you all the f---ing time!”

“Hey, you have to come up to my room and say hi to my wife; she won’t believe this s---! She said you said I was a moron!”

“My b----- wife watched your show every day, and she said she saw no future and left me cold after eight years.” He says all of this while burping and spraying spit all over my shirt. “Why do you think she did that?” (I, of course, am thinking but not saying, “I can’t imagine why she would not be just plum giddy with a guy as charming as you!”)

Okay, now you can guess how this went down when I declined to perform group therapy on drunks or go awaken some total stranger from a deep sleep with her drunken, loudmouth husband. He wasn’t happy, and neither was the man their drunk friend crashed into while trying to get over to talk to me. Fortunately, security did show up and avert an even more awkward situation.

It is just good practice to do a situational scan and have situational awareness when you are out in the world. I’m sure you already do this to some degree. If you and your husband and children walk into a roadside café and it’s full of 50 or so Hell’s Angels roughhousing and being unruly, I’m guessing your alarm bells would go off. If you were in a dark alley walking to your car and you heard several men coming up behind you with rapid footsteps, again, bells would go off. So, you do have the capability. I just want to lower the threshold at which those bells sound.

I can best summarize the “Evil Eight” by describing the last BAITER who tried to “put the britches” on Robin and me.

Dr. Chase (name changed, but all other facts, though summarized, are very real) arranged a social meeting with us through an acquaintance. Within the first ten minutes he was name-dropping like he was calling roll on a red carpet. He knew Robin had written two #1
New York Times
best sellers dealing with women’s health and well-being and is a highly sought-after speaker and television guest. The good doctor was so arrogant that it was obvious he believed that, just because he was offering, she should: a) become his patient and unqualifiedly endorse him; b) arrange for him to be on my show and our son’s show
The Doctors
; c) overlook his constant drama, criticism, and conflict with colleagues and his third wife; and d) coauthor a book with him, with his name of course being the first, because he is, after all, a doctor. Dr. Chase was so narcissistic, he truly believed that he was destined to be famous and that Robin should be grateful for the chance to ride on his train to the promised land. How did he fare on our instinct meter and score on our “Evil Eight” checklist?

The instinct meter was pinging, and we listened to
us
. This guy was way too “slick.” He drove a Bentley and made sure we knew it. We also knew he had filed bankruptcy within the last three months. He touted three failed marriages and a hostile, pouty girlfriend with whom he bickered and disrespected. He clearly had a sense of entitlement (#1). He had no sensitivity to the awkwardness of his aggressive “pitch” at a social function (#2 and #3). Repeated conflict with colleagues, being ostracized for his unprofessional conduct (#4). Constant drama, personally and professionally (#5). Publicly belittling others to aggrandize himself (#6) and multiple failed relationships (#7). And if he thought either Robin or I would ever get involved with him, he was definitely delusional (#8). He was batting a thousand. By the way, he was confused and appalled when he was told we had no interest in any shared projects or in having him on either of our shows! Add us to the list of failed and
very
short-term relationships! A definite BAITER.