Life's Perfect Plan (The Life Series) (19 page)

I feel like asking this woman if she’s seen my chart. I’ve just been gutted like a fish. I don’t think there is a number for the pain I’m in, especially emotional pain. “My babies, when can I see my babies?” I mumble to her as I swish the ice chips around in my mouth. “Your babies are doing fine. Your pain level? Do you need more pain relief?”

“I’m around a 6 or 7, no I don’t need pain meds. Can you sit me up please?” I ask the nurse who is jotting notes in my file. I feel so out of it. I finally see Jacob, in his scrubs and white jacket, running through the recovery room doors. Coming to my side, he leans over the bed rail and gives me a soft and gentle kiss.

“The babies are beautiful! They are doing well for their gestation. As soon as you can stand on your own we can go see the babies. How are you feeling?”

“Fine, tired, anxious. I want to see the boys. Are they healthy and breathing on their own?”

“They’re all on CPAP machines, which is good. They are breathing on their own, they just need a little help.”

“Jacob, how much longer till I can go see them? I’m dying to see them. What do they look like?”

“Patience, love. Here I have these for you.” He pulls out pictures of the babies and a CD. Suddenly his pager starts to go off. “Shit, I gotta run … another emergency. Your mom is in the waiting room I’ll send her back.” Leaning over he kisses me on the lips. “I love you,” he says as he runs back out the double doors.

Minutes later my mom is by my side. She feeds me ice chips, as if I was a child. She is just as anxious to see the babies. We look at the pictures. They all have dark brown hair, like Grant. Their faces are all scrunched up, they have the cutest lips, and plump cheeks. I can’t wait to see them, talk to them, and touch them. During the thirty-two weeks they were inside of me, they were protected and nurtured, now they’re so far away from me. I pray that they’re going to be healthy. “I’m so proud of you, Elizabeth. Those boys have the bravest mommy ever.” She leans over and hugs me. When she pulls away I see tears sliding down her cheek. “What’s with the waterworks?” I say as I wipe the tears away from her face. “I’m just so happy. You’re going to be an amazing mom, and those precious boys are so blessed to have you. These are happy tears, baby girl.” I just smile at her.

“I have to get going. I need to go back to the house, deal with the dogs, and go pick up your father. He’s flying in this afternoon. We will come up this evening. Ella and Kate should be here soon. I love you.” She gives me a kiss on the forehead, grabs her purse, and walks through the curtain.

With my mom gone, I continue to stare at the snapshots of the boys. They have writing on the bottom. It’s Jacob’s handwriting as he wrote their timeline for me.

Baby A: Grant

Born at 6:20a.m.

3lbs. 12oz. 19in.

Baby B: Evan

Born at 6:21a.m.

3lbs. 14oz. 19in

Baby C: Cole

Born at 6:23a.m.

4lbs. 1oz. 19 ¼ in.

I look at my babies, they’re the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen. I look at the other pictures of Jacob cutting the cords, their feet stamped, being swaddled and placed in my arms. I can’t believe it, the last picture is all three swaddled and in my arms, with a few extra hands in the picture. He knew how important catching all of these moments were for me that he took it upon himself and did it.

The curtains are thrown to the side and in walks Kate and Ella.

“Hot damn babe, look how skinny you are now!” Of course those would be Kate’s exact words.

“Nice to see you too, Kate!” I mumble in a shitty tone to her.

“OUCH! Someone doesn’t handle drugs very well.”

“Kate, seriously? You’re going to come in here and those are your first words to me. I’m dying to see my boys, and I can’t which frustrates me. I’m handling the drugs just fine.”

Kate plops down in the chair she looks like a scorned child. “Beth, how are the boys?” Ella says in her mothering tone.

“Jacob says that they are doing well for their gestation and that they all are on CPAP machines. I just want to see them!” I cry, I cry so hard that the sheet I am crying into is soaked.

Ella pulls out her laptop and places it on the table in front of me. “EL, what is this? What do you want me to do with a laptop now?” I ask her sarcastically.

“Nothing, I want you to watch. Then hopefully you will change that “poor me” attitude of yours.” She gives me the look that I shouldn’t even reply to her comment.

She takes out the CD and puts it in the laptop. She sets it up to watch a video. Seconds later, I see Jacob over the surgical table. I’m covered in blue paper except for a small rectangle over my belly.
Oh shit, he had someone tape the births for me.
Jacob talks to me the whole time as if I was coherent. “Elizabeth, we’re cutting now,” seconds later he has his strong beautiful hands inside of me, pulling out my tiny baby boy. “This is baby A, Grant.”

He holds him up to the camera and Grant is just screaming his little head off. I cry, because Jacob thought of this moment and captured it for me. Ella sits there and rubs my shoulders. Seconds later, he is pulling and tugging out Evan. “Here comes baby B, Evan.” He holds up Evan to the camera and Evan has his blue green eyes wide open. He is very quiet, until he pees all over the place. He gets a few good laughs from the people in the OR.

“At least we know his bladder is working.” I can tell it was Jacob’s dad that said that.
His dad had shown up to help him.
“Alright, Elizabeth, this is going to hurt some baby, and I’m sorry. Cole has pushed himself up high.” I’m watching him with his hand deep inside of me pulling and tugging. I see another pair of hands pushing on the top of my belly. “Poor Cole is comfortable in there.” Jacob’s father says as he is pushing Cole towards Jacob’s hands.

“Here he comes, baby C. This is Cole. He’s the biggest one.” Jacob holds him up to the camera and holds him close to his body. With his hand he grabs Cole’s little hand and waves to the camera. “Mommy, we are perfect. We love you!” Then Jacob passes him off to the nurse. Jacob turns back towards the camera and says, “Baby, you did awesome, all three are healthy. Apgar scores are good for all three. Grant is fine, the prolapse didn’t hurt him. They’re on their way to the NICU to get more tests done. I love you, baby!” With that he blows a kiss to the camera and then it goes black. I stare at the black screen and realize that somewhere between him scrubbing in and coming into the room he got someone to video tape their births so I wouldn’t miss it. He went against the protocol not allowing video cameras in the room, he did it for me.
Because he loves us.

“Jacob called you didn’t he?” I say to Ella but I don’t look at her. She is putting the laptop back in her bag.

“Beth, he did the best he could for the situation you were in. Most doctors wouldn’t have done half the work he did for you. He loves you so much and it shows in how much he loves those boys. He did this video not only for you, but for them, too! And, yes he did call me when he was scrubbing in. He wanted me to come and video tape it, but I was nowhere ready to be up here in that short amount of time. I reminded him that the Lamaze class has video cameras for their mock labors. I’m assuming he had a tech or nurse run up and grab one for the births.”

“I know he did, I just wish their births went to plan.” I whisper to Ella.

“Honey, you know better than anyone, not all plans are followed through. Your boys had a mind of their own, they didn’t want to follow your plan. Goes to show you, what strong-willed boys you already have.” She says with a huge grin and wink.

Kate stands up and gives me a kiss. “You gonna be nice now?” She says as she picks up the pictures. “They’re beautiful Mommy, you did good. They all look like Grant.”

I smile at her, knowing that they do. “Listen, Bethy-baby, I know I’m the last one to say the right things, that’s Ella’s job. I know how upset you are, and if Ella or I could, we would switch places with you in a heartbeat, for you to have experienced a moment of that miracle when life is pulled out of you. But, Bethy, when it’s all said and done, isn’t the whole reason to all of this is to be a mother? It doesn’t matter how you got here, it only matters that you got here. You’re a mommy, Beth. Look at these boys.” As she holds up the photos of my babies. “You’re a mom, and, honey, to be honest with you, the labor pains have just now started. And there is no epidural for motherhood, because if there was that shit would be surgically implanted into me.”

I pull her down to me and hug her tight. I kiss her cheek and whisper. “I love you. Thank you.” Once we break from our hug I look to Ella. “Ella, I want to go see them, please ask the nurse when I can go see them.”

“As soon as you think you can move. Can you move your legs?” I nod telling her that I can. Once she sees that I can move my legs she walks to grab the nurse. The nurse comes to my side and holds my left arm. “Swing your legs over, and see how you do,” the peppy nurse said. “ Kate, go find a wheelchair.” Ella instructs. Kate takes off bothering every nurse and worker for a wheelchair. I wasn’t prepared for the pain that shot up through my whole body. Minutes later, Kate runs into the bed with the wheelchair. “Sorry, girlfriend!” I give her a groan and then they all help me into the chair. Once I’m in the chair, they escort me to the NICU floor. I am so anxious. My palms are sweating so much that I have to keep wiping my hands on the blanket. I just want to see them and touch them. I wonder if I can hold them.

I come to a door with an intercom. They ask the patients last name. I say Thomas. I am buzzed into the waiting room. The peppy nurse leaves me once another nurse comes around the desk and shows me what to do every time I come to visit. She gives me booties that I will put on once I start walking. Then shows me the sink of where I will wash my hands. She shows me how. Finally after hand washing I am buzzed through another door to a long hallway. There are many sliding doors along the hallway that hold 2-4 incubators. My boys are in room 303E. Once I am at the door, I’m nervous to go in. Ella puts her hands on my shoulders, and encourages me to go in. “Beth, they need to hear you and smell you. Preemies thrive off of their senses. Go bond with your babies, you’ve waited so many years for this moment. Kate and I will go, call us later.”

“Wait, don’t go. I don’t want to do this alone.” I say as I turn my head and look at her.

“Ma’am, only parents can be in this level of the NICU.” The nurse barks to me. I’m a little scared of this nurse
. Like I knew?

“Beth, Jacob should be here with you. He would want to be here with you at this moment. This is what you both talked about wait for him to get here.”

Dammit why does she have to be right all the damn time! Kate just looks at me and smiles her sweet grin at me. “Page him, babe!”

I ask them to wheel me back to the nurses’ station. Once we get there I give the nurse Jacob’s pager number and page him to meet me at the boys’ room. She does what I ask, and then I am off to finally meet my boys.

The nurse wheels me inside the room. There is a huge floor to ceiling window view of downtown. The first thing I notice is the sun, the sun is shining bright into the room. I smile to myself, knowing that Grant is with me and his sons. The wall to my right has two incubators that says A and C on the front. To my left is another incubator with B on it. Next to B, is a glider chair and ottoman. Next to the door are cabinets, and a computer on top, with a counter height chair. In the middle of the room is a long island of cabinets and desks. I ask Kate, to wheel me over to Grant and Cole’s beds. I stare at them and I completely melt. These are my babies. They were just inside of me hours ago. They are a part of me, a part of Grant. I never knew love like this existed. I put my hand through the little hole of their incubator and place my hand on their small head. I whisper, “Mommy’s here, my love.” I just hold two of my baby’s head on the palm of my hand and hurt for Evan. I realize that I can’t do this alone. I start to tear up, and before the tears hit my cheek my savior walks in. Jacob gives me his big beautiful smile.

“I’m glad to see you in here.” He says as he gives me a kiss on my hair. I pull my hands out of the little doors and close them. I turn towards him and pull him towards me. I kiss him hard. I kiss him with all the feeling I can muster. His lips are warm and soft. The smell of his coconut shampoo and sweat invade my senses. He brings his hands up to my face and deepens the kiss, tasting me. He pulls back, “I’m so sorry. I feel like I failed you. I wish I could take it back, but I did the best I could. I …” I put my fingers over his lips.

“Shh, you did everything perfect. I love you and thank you for helping me to bring these babies into the world. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. So, you didn’t fail. I failed, by not giving you a chance and listening to you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me!”

“I understand, baby.” He kisses my head and diverts our attention to my boys. “They are beautiful, baby. You did well!” He stands behind me and rubs my shoulders. “They have your lips. I think they will have your eyes.”