Lost Her (Lost #1) (15 page)

I pour two glasses filled to the top walking back to the bathroom. I look at Ryan who is watching the tub fill as I hand him a glass. He takes a drink while he is kneeling next to the outside of the tub. I remove my clothing while Ryan just watches me, sipping his wine. I step in sinking into the hot water. He is washing my hair letting the soap pool on my breasts. I take another gulp of my wine. I was feeling buzzed, the tequila and wine hit me fast. I put my glass down before I put my head down for him to caress my scalp with more shampoo. I was feeling complete relaxed and started singing along with the music CD playing in the living room.

He stops washing my hair grabbing my chin to look up at him. He looks me dead in the eye, “Chris’s new band right?” I nod in agreement then he pulls my chin higher, “That is you singing on Chris’s CD?”

I look into Ryan’s eyes to try to read his expressions and it appears to me that he is shocked. When he is stressed or angry he wears it in his
eyes which make a frown line in his forehead. I notice the frown line is back after being gone for a few days. I just nod in agreement to his question. He takes his glass in the other hand drinking down his entire glass of wine.

He peers into my eyes. “On how many tracks are you singing
, Livi?”

I look up at him say
ing, “I sang on fourteen tracks.”

He keeps pulling at my face to look him in the eye, “How many songs are on this CD, Livi?”

I look into his angry glassy eyes slurring out, “Fourteen.”

He shakes his head in disbelief, “Livi, how many of the songs are about me?” 

I lean in kissing him boldly then pulling away, “All of them!”

He slaps his hand down on the side of the tub
looking me in the eye, “Honey, I assume that this is the platinum album you all have been talking about and that your father is representing.”

I look up at him. “I guess you are really listening to the words. Are you mad?”

He looks at me, “I could I not hear the words, but you are singing right in front of me along with the music. I know you all too well. Every song you had ever written was somehow about me. When you and my sister were getting along and she used to go see your band play at bars. She told me that everything was about me. She claimed how disturbing it was to know the songs were about me,” he dies off looking away from me to continue speaking as if he is ashamed, “I am so worried the media is going to find us and has a field day with our lives.”

I laugh at him, “I use a stage name and conceal
ed my look. No one will ever notice it is me.” He looks at me hoping that I am right. Then, he finishes washing my hair and helps from the tub.

He walks into the kitchen area to the table and sits down. I follow him sitting across from him and we are looking at each other. He looks over at my glass and he notices that I am out of wine. He gets up to get the bottle of wine from the counter and he pours me more into my glass. He just stands there for a moment before returning to his chair to sit. He looks at me with a confused look. “I cannot understand one word it is that you are screaming in those songs.”

I laugh feeling the alcohol is making me very bold. I get up and walk over to the shelves. I pull the CD insert out of the case. I walk slowly, looking down at it studying it. I am dressed and covered on the CD cover. I begin to worry if I am making the right play showing it to him. I stand above him and strategically place it upside down. I go to my seat and sit while I am watching him so closely. First thing he does is flips it over to look at the CD cover art. He places both elbows on the table to lean down to look at it. His hand are on each side of his head propping himself up. He is gripping his hair like he wants to pull it and scream.

He looks up at me. I can see the anger in his eyes and his face is flushed red. He jumps up from the table walking heavily into the kitchen like he is stamping his feet. He is pulling out another bottle of wine and banging things around to open it. He walks back to the table and starts to pour me another glass, I signal with my hand not too. He swipes my hand away and pours the wine anyway. He returns to his chair, pours himself a glass and opens the CD insert.

He is looking straight at me. “Why is Chris coming?”

I softly speak, “My father said he needs more material for another CD.”

Ryan’s one eyebrow shoots up, “Have you been writing more songs for him?”

I smile cockily taking a gulp of wine, “I have years and years of songs that I have written. We never put it to music though until just recently. You did encourage me to go back to my music. That I needed an outlet for my pain.”

He just glares at me. He leans down to the CD insert and begins to read the lyrics. I watch him turn the pages flipping back and forth. I cross my arms on the table laying my head on them. I glance over at him. He is still reading, shaking his head and running his fingers in his hair. I close my eyes and fall asleep at the table.

I feel his hand on my shoulder; I stir and open my eyes. He speaks pretty loudly at me, “Go to bed, Livi.” I close my eyes again. I hear him grunt then he pulls me up. He picks me up carrying me off to my bed. He places me down and I roll to my side still in a sleepy haze. He sits on the edge of the bed. He looks at me moving strands of my hair away from my face, “Livi, what I am going to do with you?” I move my arm out toward him placing my hand on his thigh. He puts his hand on mine turning his head to speak, “It was one thing when you were singing in dive bars. Now, with the world hearing and apparently liking your provocative songs about our life, our sex life, our problems and our pain, I just do not know how to deal with this now. What will we do if anyone finds out it is you? Our lives will be ruined, and the controversy? Two middle aged suburban lawyers living in Jersey with crazy secret lives. I can just hear it now.”

I rub his thigh, “No one will ever find out it is me, and plus, would it really be so bad being the husband of a rock star?”

He laughs, “I do not fit the role. I have no tattoos or nose rings.”

I lean in closer, “You could learn. I will have Chris coach you,” I finish my sentence with a laugh.

Ryan is silent for a few moments and then he grabs my hand, “Livi, take me back to your dark side. It has been way too long and with reading your lyrics I realize I miss it. I need it now, please. Tie me down and beat me into submission. I need it, please…”

Before Ryan could finish his sentence, I reach up grabbing a fist full of hair pulling him down into the bed while biting his shoulder. I stand up to begin to remove his clothes. I look around my room noticing that I do not have anything to tie him down with in here. I pointing to him and speak firmly, “Stay.” I run outside around to the underneath of the house and find two ropes. I go back to the bedroom placing the ropes down on the bed. I light candles and turn out the lights. I tie each one of his ankles to the corners of the bed floor base while he is attempting to touch me. I have to keep turning to slap his hands away off my body. I push him down again on the bed. I tie the rope end to the other base in the front head board area. He is fighting me, not allowing me to tie his hands. I pull his hair lowering my head biting his nipple. He lets out a gasp and stops fighting me. I stop biting him. I get his hands bound over his head binding the other end down. I test the ropes to confirm that he can’t move. He is talking smut at me, craning his neck up from the pillow. I sit on the edge of the bed putting my hand around his throat using my other hand to pull his hair. I pull the pillow out from under his head and place my hand around his throat again. I lean in kissing his mouth as he tries to control the kiss. I pull away from him biting his chin applying more force until he stops squirming. I release my teeth moving to kiss his lips so tenderly. I grip his hair to pull his head back until his neck is exposed to me. I start kissing suckling at his neck. He lets out a moan and starts talking again. I sit up slapping his face hard. I place my hand to the red spot on his face that I made caressing it. I am looking down at him as I let my nails scratch his chest moving back and forth. He squirms again. I grab a handful of his skin with my nails until he feels the pain and remains still.

I speak firmly, “You are out of practice. You need to
control yourself or I will continue to hurt you. Now close your eyes and do not open them at all,” giving him his orders. I tease him with my tongue all over his chest making my way down to his erection. I am slowly running my tongue over him then he moans out. I pinch him looking up at him, “Shut up and keep your eyes closed.” I resume what I was doing. I take him in my mouth allowing my teeth to graze him. He squirms pulling at his ropes. I stop him by digging my nails into him without stopping my movement.

I sit back up getting on top of him. I lean over grabbing the candle in my hands. Then I lower myself on to his erection. I slowly pour candle wax on to his chest. His eye pop wide open as he screams. He squirms to try to move away.

He pleadingly speak
s out to me, “Livi, please be carefully with that wax, please baby.” I quickly put the candle down on the table slapping him twice across the face with the back of my hand. I see his lip start to bleed. I get up off him. Standing up, I lean over picking up my bikini top that I wore all day. I sit back on the bed and he turns his head away from me. Grabbing his hair turning his head to face me and I lick off the small drip of blood kissing him softly. I lift my hand to his face shoving my bikini top in his mouth.

I look down at him all wide eyed and speak, “You will never try to stop me from anything that I want to wear again.” I pick up the candle again and he is thrashing around on the bed trying to plead with me while shaking his head no. He is trying to move away twisting his body. I sit on his legs pour
ing wax down his navel blowing on it to cool it down rapidly. I pour more getting extremely close to his limpness. He is screaming through my top. I blow on the wax again. Placing the candle down, I slowly lick him until he is erect again.

I climb onto him slowly roll my hips. He has his head turned to the side looking away from me. I lean down and grab his hair in my hands turning his head to look at me. I remove the bikini top from his mouth placing soft kisses around his lips. He doesn’t attempt to try to kiss me. I sit up and continue to roll my hips. He starts to turn his head to the side. I put my hand around his throat to move his head back holding it there. I move quicker breathing rapidly. I am looking him right in the eyes as he returns the stare. He begins to moan as I tighten my grip around his neck. I ride him deeper and faster. I am climaxing moaning out his name. He arches his back while grunting and moaning out his climax. I release falling on to his chest. We are both breathing erratically.

Once I gain some strength, I push off of him standing up. I begin to remove the ropes when see tears streaming down his face. I hastily remove the rest of the ropes. He grabs his wrists rubbing them. I snuggle up alongside him kissing away his tears. I see that his lip is swollen. I speak up to him, “Sorry, I should have not back handed you,” I kiss his lip.

He wipes away his tears
speaking slowly, “Am I that bad? Am I over the top with trying to control you? The bikini stuff really made you angry. I could see it in your eyes and you hated me in that moment. But, why did you take it further? I was so scared.”

I looked at him confused, “You are very controlling and you better get over it. People are always going to look
at me. I am so sorry I hit you.”

“I wish you were not such an open book about your feelings and sexuality, but I get it. It is you. But Livi, it is not the slaps. I get it, I deserved that. It was the wax; you promised me in the emergency room that you would never put hot wax down there again when you burned me the last time. Livi, I was scared you were going to burn me again.” 

I let out a laugh, “Sorry, you are right. But that night was kind of your fault. You wouldn’t listen. You squirmed when I was pouring. You learned to stay perfectly still this time.”

He shakes his head, “Something tells me that you are going to
continue with your evil ways to have your way with me.”

I look up at him, “You wanted to be punished.” He just looks down at me and nods. He pulls me closer into
his arms lightly caressing my back. I drift off in to a deep sleep.

I wake up with the sunlight pouring in to the bed room, but Ryan is not in bed with me. I look at the clock
to see the time. I slept in really late. I stretch as I climb out of bed. Walking out of the bedroom, I notice that Ryan is not around anywhere. I see a note on the table.

Good morning sleepy head,

I will be at the Cantina setting up the Internet hot spot. Drink coffee, set up your damn Skype account “please” and walk down to the Cantina when you are ready. You’re an evil queen!

Love your,

Submi
ssive King

I let out a laugh knowing he is referencing my CD. I get ready then I sit on the couch drinking my coffee. I think to myself about how last night went. I felt pretty good about his reaction. Now I just have to think of a way to wean him onto the music videos. He is going to kill me, but I have to tell him soon.

I hear a noise at the door and I jump up. Parker is talking into the door. He opens it allowing himself in. I look at him startled, “Hey Parker.”

He is studying my face
. Looking all over my body then he looks me in the eyes as he walks closer to me. “Are you alright?” I look at him oddly moving away from him since he is too close. I walk to the kitchen to pour more coffee pointing to it and he nods yes. He keeps staring at me, “I saw Ryan this morning. He has a swollen purplish lip. I asked him how he got it and he said you back handed him a few times last night.”

I laugh out hand
ing Parker his coffee, “I am fine, see?”

He touches my shoulder, “Were you fighting? Did he offend you or hurt you?”

I look at him surprised, “No, nothing like that. I just dropped a bomb on him and he is confused trying to work it out in his head.”

Parker puts down his coffee cup to the side of the counter. With both of his hands, he cups my face leaning down kissing me deeply. I kiss him back then I push him away. I am breathing heavily as I look at him and his unshaven face. I reach up touching his jaw. I slide my hand to feel his stubble. He looks down at me with hooded hazel eyes biting his bottom lip. He grabs me by my waist lifting me up to sit on the counter top so I can meet his eyes more easily. He slowly moves closer to me then taking me in a kiss again. I am running my fingers through his hair down to his broad shoulders. I pull back pushing him away. I jump down from the countertop walking to the other side of the kitchen table.

I start speaking, “Parker, this is wrong. You are confused. I love my husband and always have.”

He shakes his head no. “He is not nice. You are in denial. I want to take care of you and treat you the way you are supposed to be.”

I laugh, “Parker you do not even know the real me and what I am all about. Katie is sick right now and she is confused. She filled your head with trash. Do not get me wrong, you are extremely temptingly sexy and sweet. But, you do not fit my build and sweet is not what I need.”

He looks confused, “Katie is right, he has you brainwashed with his abuse. I can see how you feel about me in your eyes.”

I snort out a laugh, “Parker, I am the abusive one. What you see in my eyes is lust not love. I am sorry I led you on. Believe me when I tell you that you do not want to find out about my love. It will make your cringe and run the first time I hurt you. So do not make waves for Ryan and
me. He loves me as I am and accepts that I am very dark inside.”

Parker stares at me looking for words when I hear my daddy voice by the door. He walks in, “Well put, Olivia.” Then he turns to look at Parker, “I knew you ran up here after seeing Ryan’s lip. Trust her when she tells you that you don’t really know her. She would chew you up and spit you out, literally. You run off now boy.” Parker keeps looking from me to my father
walking backwards to leave.

I look shyly at my daddy speaking softly, “Daddy how long were you standing there at the door?” He winks at me, “Since the second he told you about Ryan’s lip. I was not sure if I had to intervene or not. You handled it, but you should not have let him get that close to you, giving in to your urges. I think he would have run off though the second you got wicked with him.”

I smirk at him, “And you said I was the voyeur.”

He laughs, “No, yuck, you are my daughter. What did you do to Ryan last night? He is very quiet. He is not being condescending to Parker or his friends. I noticed his lip then the rope burns on his wrists and ankles. Does he have to go to the emergency room again? I observed that look of embarrassment in his eyes again.”

I look sternly at him, “I know what I am doing and he asked me to beat him. He has learned from that one incident.”

My father shakes his head at me in disbelief. “You need to not push him. Listen to him when he is uncomfortable. You could have seriously hurt him again.”

I cut off my father’s lecture, “He knows about the CD, he saw the cover and read all the lyrics for a few hours last night.”

He look me into the eyes, “Did you tie him up holding the pages above his head making him read it out loud to you while you beat him?”

I wiggle my eyebrows, “Oh no, but that sound
s fun. Maybe I will try that later. He figured it out. The tequila hit me then I put on the CD. He heard me singing along and the voices matched. We discussed it, he was angry that our lives are an open book and he kept studying the lyrics. I fell asleep; he woke me up asking for it. It went well if you ask me. I just have the next hurdle of the videos.”

He places his hands on both my shoulders
pecking a kiss to my forehead, “That is progress and let’s get down to the Cantina.”

Ryan
- I am up on the ladder trying to tuck away extension power cords neatly in the ceiling. I hear someone walk over to the ladder. I look down and it is Parker. He stares off expressionless, “Hey Ryan, I just came from Olivia’s house. I wanted to make sure she was alright.” I jump down from the ladder to meet his eyes.

He
looking at my lip then up to my eyes, “She told me that she, that she is the abusive one and that she did that to you. I am sorry man.”

I look at him laugh
ing out, “This is nothing. She gets overly aggressive in bed.” Parker looks at me confused, so I continue to paint a picture for him. I look at his face while telling him, “She gets all like dominatrix controlling and sometimes gets too carried away,” I held up my wrists for him to see the rope burns then pointing down to my ankles. “One time she got so out of control with biting and burning me that she put me in the hospital.”

Parker mouth drops as he looks at me. “She burns you?
That is masochistic,” he is shaking his head, “too much information.” He turns away and walks back to the table to sit with his friends. I watch him for a while noticing that a smile has not returned to his face. I think that he is either really shocked about Livi’s lifestyle or really hurt that he can’t have her.

I feel a hand on my shoulder to turning to see Livi. She smiles up at me looking a little worn out, “Hi Rye” and she leans up to placing a kiss on my lips. She touches my lip, “I am really sorry about that. I never would have thought that people would be so uptight like this.”

I put my arms around her, “I heard that Parker paid you a visit.” I felt her tense up in my arms. “He thought I beat you up and he came to apologize to me for having it all wrong. I guess you had that overdue conversation, he has not smiled once since he got here.” Livi just shakes her head in my chest and I can feel her crying. I pull her through the kitchen out the back door so no one can see her crying. She takes me by the hand
walking me over to the school.

We go around to the backside of the building. She sits on the steps pulling me down next to her. She is looking at me and appears to be frightened. She is wiping away her tears, “I allowed him to kiss me again.”

I feel rage boiling in me. I stand up to facing
her, “Why Livi? I guess you want him? You did not want ever set him straight, am I right?” She just keeps crying and I sit back on the steps. I look down at her speaking softly trying to control my rage, “You are forty one years old and you better figure this out now, me or him?” I shake her shoulder getting her to look up at me.

She
is looking up at me with red eyes then shouts at me, “I made my choice! I made it when I was eighteen years old to always be with you.” She is calming herself down. “I told him that there would never be anything between us. I did not feel the same way as he did. That I could never love him and he could never love me. Nothing has changed for me. I always wanted and needed you.”

I sit down next to her
cradling her in my arms. I kiss her temple speaking into her ear, “Would you please stop kissing everyone, too much drama.” She laughs with a nod and smile. “Should I go push Parker around? Second thought, I think I have hurt him enough today when I told him how you put me in the hospital. You should have seen his eyes. I really do not think he will be a problem anymore.” I laugh and she joins in laughing with me.

She
turns looking at me, “Want to hear something funny my dad said to me today?” I nod for her to proceed as she starts, “Daddy thinks I push you too far and he is afraid that I am going to cause you to break down.”

I squeeze her tighter in my arms, “You already have caused me to break down. You think I cry because of the pain for you inflict on me? No, that is my emotions making me cry. I cry because I love you so much and I never want you to stop. I am afraid you will take that all away from me leaving me empty. You broke me a long time ago.”  She leans up kiss
ing the side of my cheek. She stands pulling me up from the steps.

We start walking back to the Cantina and Señor Marquis passes up in his old pickup truck. He stops ahead of us as the passenger side door opens. Our three dogs jump out running towards us. They are jumping all over us in excitement to see us. We slowly stroll to the Cantina.

When we arrive, Rosalie signals me to come over to her. She looks at me with a questioning look, “Why does the Cantina have that box mounted to the ceiling?”

I smile at her, “Internet access point, now your customers can connect their phones
or laptops. Like Henry and his iPad. You can make Skype or FaceTime calls too.”

S
he leaning up to put a kiss on my cheek, “If you say so, Ryan. Señor has your package in the bed of the truck. Go with him and I will keep Livi occupied.”

I motion to Señor Marquis that I am ready as am I walking down the steps I hear Livi calling out to me. I look to her, “Señor needs help with something and we are going to stop at the house to grab my laptop. I am going to teach Rosalie how to make Skype calls to Henry.” She gives me the thumbs up as I climb into Señor’s pickup truck.

He is backing up to the door of the house. He motions to the door. I open it following him in. He pulls away the chairs from the old table. I help by clearing away the clutter. We carry out the old table placing it down. He opens the tailgate pulling a blanket and the table comes to the edge. We lift it off turning it upright. He keeps the blanket on it and we carry it in. I say knowing he barely understands me, “This sucker is super heavy.” We move it into place taking off the blanket. I stand there looking at the most beautiful grain on the table swirling with different colors. He pulls a rag out of his pocket buffing the table. I pull the two chairs back pushing them in.

I go into the bedroom to where I hide my money. I pull out five, one hundred dollar bills. I walk back into the kitchen. He is walking into the house with a doily and a single flower. I just stand there still watching him. He opens one cabinet locating a tall green marbled pottery looking vase. He fills it with water. He places the lacey doily on the table and the vase. He gingerly places in a tall flower. He looks up to me smiling. He motions to the door and I follow him out. We place the old table in his truck. I run back in the house grab my laptop closing the house door behind me. I jump into his truck and hand him the money. He nods at me and I say, “Gracias.” He smiles at me putting the truck in gear to leave.

We get back to the Cantina and the place is packed with people and children. Rosalie is flagging me down with her towel. I run up to her, “What’s up?”

She pulls me in the kitchen point
ing to the oven, “I did what you said. Take the tray of lasagna out, place on counter until room temperature, then heat at three hundred degrees until bubbly in center. I can’t tell if it is done, please check it for me.”

I walk over to the over lift
ing off the aluminum foil, place it back on and rotate the pan. I look over at her worried face and smile, “Another seven minutes and I think you should invest in an inside oven thermometer so you can tell when the oven is hot enough. Sometimes these big ovens heat in the back before it reaches the front, so with the oven thermometer in the front, you will know you are heated through out.”