Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (15 page)

“Katy, there’s something I need to tell you.”

All I could think of was that something happened to Brooks and she’d somehow heard about it. “What is it?” I needed to know immediately.

“I’m engaged to Branch.”

Biting my tongue was the best response, considering I was literally speechless.

“Katy, say something.”

“What do you expect me to say?”

“Say you don’t hate me. I didn’t go after him, if that’s what you’re thinking. He was upset and I missed you. It just happened.”

“What? How long has this been going on?” Suddenly I was curious.

“About a month after you left.” She started to cry on the other end of the phone. “That’s why I probably sounde
d short last time. He was standing next to me and I didn’t know what to say.”

Hearing her stating that Branch, who’d always loved me
, was with her, made me cringe. It wasn’t because I wanted him. I hated that both of them would hook up. She knew what I’d gone through and what he did to keep me from Brooks. How could she think he would be good to her? “As long as you’re happy, I guess that’s all that matters.”

“Katy, I miss you. Please say you don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Mel. I’m shocked, but I don’t hate you.”

The line got quiet.

She was sobbing on the other line. “I feel horrible now.”

“Does Brooks know?”
I had to change the subject.

“They don’t speak. I sent him a Christmas card from us, but he never responded.”

“Is he okay?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. He hasn’t come home and Branch doesn’t think he will.”

I was shaking, feeling my teeth chattering as I closed my eyes and thought about Brooks. I couldn’t be mad at Melissa, especially after I’d had Brooks’ child and kept it from everyone. I was the awful person. “Mel, can I have his address?”

“Are yo
u sure that’s a good idea? It could make things worse.”

Tears rolled
down my eyes imagining him all alone, while I was shacked up raising his child with someone else. “Please, just give it to me.”

I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down the long international
address and then I hung up with Mel. I didn’t know if I’d ever call her again; not because I was jealous, but because I felt betrayed by everyone in my life.

I stared at the address for two days before throwing it in the trash. Reaching out to him would only make me feel worse.

Then B came walking into the room with the television remote. I know it was silly, but she flipped the channel and held onto the volume button. I rushed into the living room to turn it down before it could wake up Bobby.

On the screen was an interview from an army cadet that was stationed in Afghanistan. I looked from my daughter and back to the television. She was reaching for the remote again and started to get mad.

I knelt down in front of her and
started to tear up. “I can’t keep lying to myself can I, B? Mommy needs to do the right thing, doesn’t she?”

She reached for my face. “Mama.”

I went through two bags of trash before I found the paper with his address and then I sat there staring at it again.

Finally, the next night after dinne
r and putting B to bed, I sat at the kitchen table and started writing. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but knew the words would find me.

I had to close that chapter of my life and
so did Brooks. Life was too short to be miserable. I wanted him to be happy, no matter where his future took him.

Dear Brooks,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been a long time and you may not even want to hear from me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I did to you.

I walked away from everything because I wasn’t willing to fight. I was a coward.

I’m not
writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I’m writing to you because I know it’s time to move on. I’ve held onto some crazy idea that one day you’ll be back in my life again.

So, that brings me to the reason that I’m writing you this letter.

Tell me that I shouldn’t hold onto you.

Tell me we’re definitely
over, so that I can finally let go.

Katy

After leaving my number and my new address, I sealed it up.

It took me a week to get the courage to mail it and then I played the waiting game. Nearly a month went by and I hadn’t gotten a reply, but I also hadn’t moved into the new place yet.

I was beginning to give up hope until
I stopped by the new construction site and happened to be there when the mail man was driving by.

He pulled into the messy driveway and started walking toward me “Excuse me. Are you the owner of this property?”

I nodded. “Yes.” I reached out my hand and shook his. “I’m Katy Parsons.”

He looked down at an envelope and seemed confused. “Parsons? Did you ever go by another name?”

“Michaels. What’s this about?” I knew what it was, because I hadn’t given anyone else my new address. I’d been meaning to buy a new mailbox, but it hadn’t been first on my priority list.

He handed the envelope to me. “I’ve got these two letters for you, but since you didn’t have a mailbox I was about to send them back. If you’re goin’ to be receiving mail here, I’d advise you to get
a box out at the road. Otherwise, I’ll have to return it undelivered.”

I watched him leave
before looking down at the envelope.

All I could do was stand there staring at the postage. There was no return address, but it didn’t
need to be. I only knew one person in Afghanistan and that is where it had been postmarked.

With shaky hands and tear-filled eyes, I opened up the first envelope and pulled out a hand written letter.

Dear Kat
,

I hope this letter finds you.

I considered not writing you and letting it be, but I’ve kept things bottled up for so long and I don’t know where to begin.

I’ll start by asking you the one question that has been on my mind for two years now. Why did you run?

Please tell me it wasn’t because you regretted being with me. Still, to this day, nothing has ever compared to feeling you in my arms that night.

My life hasn’t been easy the past two years. I’ve seen things that I wish I could wipe out of my memory and just when I think it can’t get any worse, I see something even more devastating. I’ve seen children slaughtered and fathers being shot by their own sons and brothers.

I’m sorry for sharing that. It’s just so hard, living here
.

I still miss you every day Kat
, so I guess that finally brings me to answer your question.

If you think it’s time to let go, I will understand. Just know that I’ve thought about you every day since you walked out of my life. I’ll never give up on you.

Take care of yourself in whatever you decide.

Love always,

Brooks

The second letter was postmarked two weeks later. I assume from it coming from another country that one got held up, or the mail man was a really nice guy, holding out in hopes to catch me.

Dear
Kat,

Okay, I lied when I
said that it was okay with me if you let go. It’s not okay.

I’m miserable over here and feel like I have nothing to come home for. I don’t want to see my brother and visiting my parents only reminds me of you.

You’re still everywhere I turn.

God, I miss you so much. I miss the way you smell and the way you twirl your hair when you’re nervous.
Most of all, I miss my best friend.

Please Kat
. Write me back.

Tell me to go to Hell.

Say something.

I have to go away for a few days, but I’ll check the mail when I get back.

All my love, Brooks

That letter had a return address.

I folded the
m both together and got back in my car, realizing that I had to calm myself down before heading home.

My heart was pounding like it was going to pop out of chest. I couldn’t breathe and I knew I was having an anxiety attack. It
had been so long since I was that upset and it wasn’t because I was angry.

Brooks had
n’t given up me and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was married, caring for a handicapped husband who depended on me. Then there was Brooklyn. He deserved to know he had a daughter, but telling him in a letter wasn’t going to happen.

No matter how I tried to calm
myself down, it wasn’t working.

I needed my mother, for yet another catastrophe that I’d put myself right smack in the middle of.

Hiding a child from her father and his family was no easy task. How could I have thought that it would ever be okay?

I started driving home, knowing what had to be done. I was going to keep writing Brooks until I got the courage to tell him the truth. In the meantime, I’d have to keep it all from Bobby. If he got wind
that I was in touch with Brooklyn’s father and I didn’t know what he would do.

I feared for my life when it came
down to the possibility of him feeling like he would lose Brooklyn.

Chapter 22

February 2013

Ever since the day that I got his first letters I’d been going to the new construction house and
checking for more. It took a whole week for the next one to roll in and I opened it with shaking hands, like the one before it.

Dear Kat,

I can’t even explain how happy it made me to get your letter. Now, it seems like I can’t stop writing you. Every day I sit down and think of all the things that I want to tell you.

If you saw the pile of paper bundled in my trash can, you’d understand.

While this place lacks the feeling of home, I find peace knowing that you’re out there somewhere thinking about me too. I can only hope that one day, when I’m finally done with this tour, I can see you again. Would you be opposed to that? I understand if I’m being too forward. I just feel like we’ve missed so much time together.

Please write me back, as getting your letters is the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time.

Love, Brooks

I could feel that lump in my throat, knowing guilt was the culprit. I was beating around the truth, unable to admit that I was not only married, but also the mother of his child.

Then again, I was so excited to hear from him that I couldn’t help myself
. I had to keep talking to him and reading about how, after all this time, he still loved me.

I sat in my car and wrote him back.

Dear Brooks,

I’m happy too. For so long I felt like you hated me. I’ve kept so much pain bottled up inside of me for what I did. I want you to know that walking away from you that day was still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was harder than losing my parents, because I knew I could have changed it, if I’d just been brave enough.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to accept that there are things I could have done to prevent what happened to us. It all starts with admitting that I should have known Branch had lied to me about your feelings.

About your brother…

I almost don’t want to know when he and Melissa hooked up. It isn’t like I care if it happened the day after I left. I knew I didn’t want him. In fact, if I never see him again it will be too soon. Your brother is the reason that we are worlds apart. He’s the reason that we’ve lived in Hell for two years. I will never forgive him for that.

Looking back now, I can actually see how he was full of shit most of
the time. It makes me sick knowing I was that naïve.

I should be the one begging you to write me back, because I sure as hell don’t deserve your heart after what I did to you and have still been doing to you.

Getting our friendship back would mean everything to me.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love always,

Katy

I pulled the box of
envelopes out of the glove compartment and addressed it, before sticking it in the mailbox for the next day’s mail. I knew I couldn’t risk Bobby finding out what was going on behind his back and I didn’t even know how to approach it. We were finally at a point where we were both getting along. He was working hard on being able to walk again. I’d put him through too much to break his heart when he was at his lowest. I’d already done that to someone I cared about and knew it would end badly.

For the next week I helped Bobby with his therapy, took care of B and fantasized about a future with Brooks. It was wrong. I needed to tell him so much that I was withholding.

I just couldn’t seem to give up on the excitement of getting his letters.