Authors: Karoyln Huddleston
This is the worst situation I’ve ever been in. I love my wife, but I'm just not happy being with her, she can't give me what I need. I am a gay man but… I just… can't… bring myself to say it out... loud to anyone except Jay. I feel like I'm costing people their lives… damn I shouldn't have been so selfish in the beginning and just been honest. Now I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I love Ronnie and Alexis. But I'm head over heels in love with Jay.
My lover has been complaining a lot lately. Especially since gay marriage has become legal. He's so ready to get married and adopt a few beautiful children. He just wants to live a happy life with me, even though I've made him wait so long. I can't make him wait any longer plus I don't know how long he's going to remain in this crazy situation with me. And I damn sure don't want to lose him, he has my heart and my soul… that man is my everything. Out of all the men I've ever been with, he stood out amongst the rest. Being with other men made me feel dirty, I’d feel guilty or like something was missing. But when I’m with Jay I feel free, complete, like I’m finally in the right place. And I've never felt that way in my entire life.
Jay in his Emotions
Tristan had to go home early tonight. I'm not really sure what the hell he thinks that he’s going to fix by going home to his wife. I figure he’s trying to smooth things over with her…but… what about me? What about what I need? Every time she calls he goes running as usual, I can't blame him for that… she is his wife (sighs). I guess I'm what you would consider to be the side chick. Yes. I know, it’s so sad that I have to wear that label when actually I've been around since day one; much longer than she has. But yet and still I'm home almost every night alone. Only receiving a stolen moment here and there with the man whom I love to death. The same man I’d die for in an instant, but I'm feeling really unappreciated right now. When Tristan told me he had to go home early, I didn't understand. Normally we spend as much time as we can together on the few nights that we get. But tonight he really hurt my heart, but of course I didn't tell him. I don't know why I don’t speak up. But if he keeps pushing me, I'm going to walk away….forever. I am thinking very strongly about giving him an ultimatum. I want to live life, I don't want to be tucked away all the time. I don't want to be someone's secret, I want to be someone who is adorned, shown off and made to feel like I am the most special person in the world. And honey if I can give it, I damn sure can receive it. Now what the hell am I waiting for? Oh shit!! Who am I fooling? I love the hell out of that man and I'm not going nowhere. Ever! But it is time for us to have a long talk and decide what we want to do with our future.
Tristan makes love
I feel like I needed to try something different with my wife just to be absolutely sure of my feelings. Actually seeing her hurt makes me look at things in a different light. I know it doesn't change the fact that I am a gay man or that I’m living on the down low. But I wonder if I tried really hard could I make things different with my wife? So tonight when I go home I'm going to be a little bit nicer, more giving, more understanding… hell I may even make love to her tonight. I don't know, I just want to see where this may lead.
I told Jay I had to go home early tonight and he jumped right in his feelings about it. I understand though, I'm playing ping pong with two people's hearts, three counting Ronnie’s. But tonight I just want to see if I’ve missed something with Alexis. I remember a time when we first got together, we would laugh, talk and just have a good time. Things weren’t perfect but they damn sure wasn’t like this.
Of course I was gay then and involved with Jay, but my heart felt something deeper for my wife. Something gentle, genuine and just between us. I remember kissing her and feeling so good inside… that first night we made love it was like the 4th of July.
It felt so good. The passion and heat was wild between us… at first. The only bad thing was… the minute we were done my mind went straight to Jay. The guilt would slam into me like a ton of bricks, and let me tell you sex and guilt do not mix. It makes you want to stray away from anything intimate with that person. But at this time I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I just want to try one more time and see what it’s like to be close to my wife. I wonder if I told her that I was gay would she understand? How would she react to me? Violent? Would she hate me? I wonder if she would be disgusted by me or if she would reach out and hold me? I'm so nervous. I need my wife to understand that this isn't about her. It's about the way I've been my entire life. Hell I don’t even know why I’m this way, I wonder will she ever forgive me? Thinking about her and the way she is at heart, ignites the guilt, because, she’s always been a very loving and understanding woman. She is so very gentle at heart. But this news…plus the fact that I’ve lied so long could bring the beast out of anyone.
I came home from work early to set a few things up for my wife. She’s been really down lately and I can't stand to make her feel that way. So I decided to beat her home and set us up a romantic night that will consist of all her favorite things. Roses, a shrimp and steak dinner and most definitely candles. My wife loves candles she’s always burning those things. So I wanna see if I can at least get some kind of understanding with her tonight, I'm a little nervous about the whole ordeal. But what am I to do? Ronnie's gone for the night with her best friend, so we will have the house to ourselves. We haven't made love in some time. And to be perfectly honest I really want to because we haven't in so long, my sexual attraction to her is still somewhat there. But the guilt of Jay laying alone at his home always takes over my head, both of them. I love him...I love her. I'm so damned torn, but I got too much to lose leaving either one of them. But tonight I'm putting that all behind me and just focusing on making her feel better. I'm going to do the best I can to make her smile tonight by making love to her mind and body. I will talk to her about her feelings and make her feel like I did when we first met if she'll allow it. She's been pretty upset with me lately, this has got to stop.
Alexis is Surprised
So I come home tonight and I see wine, candles and Tristan’s cooking something that smells really good. I don't know what the deal is with this man, one minute he’s ignoring me totally and now he's all of a sudden in this great romantic mood. But what he doesn't understand is that my heart is hurting because there's something missing and I don't know what it is. I'm trying so hard to be a good woman to him, but I believe there's someone else in the picture. But I have no real proof, and I don't know how to get the truth out of him. He's holding back something and whatever it is has got to be big because we never keep secrets from one another. So my heart has been really broken lately but I see that he's trying to make up so I'll be a willing participant tonight, maybe I can get some answers. Besides it's been a minute since we made love, hell it’s been a minute since we’ve had any closeness at all. And making love would be so good, but that could reopen fresh wounds and I'm not sure if I want to do that. Things are already so complicated and sex just adds fuel to the fire. When he makes love to me, he makes love to my mind and soul he takes me somewhere I've never been before and I love it. I want to make my husband feel good but the next day everything goes back to the regular bullshit. He comes home late, leaves early, basically just never having time for me… he's always too busy at work or so he says.
However he's looking awfully good in that kitchen, cooking. I think I smell steak… I love steak…mmmm… I love my husband. Oh well, I guess I better participate. “Hey honey, I’m home”!
Jay is pissed
So Tristan aint even answering his phone. He claims he wants to do something special for his wife, they've been having some major problems lately. But its stuff like this that makes me wonder whether I want to be with him or not. Actually at this point I'm really feeling like it's time for us to go our separate ways. Sometimes I feel like I no longer have a place in his heart, I know Tristan loves me but he’s so confused. I don't have time for this shit! I'm trying so damn hard to be patient, and I know he wants and loves me. But I’m at my breaking point.
I don't understand why he dont just fess up… step his game up and do what the hell he need to do. If he keep this shit up I’m gonna bust that bitch head open to the white meat! I guess I'll just lay here in my own dam misery… maybe I should have company tonight. He would hate that… if he knew someone was here he'd have a fit. I wonder what he’d do if he knew somebody was making love to me right now. He’d have a holy fit…that’s what he’d do. Yet I have to face the fact that tonight he may be making love to his wife. I hate to feel this way towards her she did nothing to me but she’s always in the way of my happiness. My true happiness is me and Tristan being together. I can't live without him we've been together for too long. This matter has got to come out. I can't deal anymore, he is my every desire and I need him right now. Maybe I should send him a text just so I can be on his mind, he has a way with me and I have a way with him. Yeah I know he’s trying to make things work with his wife, but if I send this text he won’t be able to do nothing but think of me tonight. Honey I can be ruthless..ok.
Well my mom and my dad got plans tonight. So I decided to spend the night over my friend’s house, she’s cool we always have fun over here and her mom cooks real good for us. I hope my mom and dad can get it together she loves him so much and I know he loves her to. Plus, I'm tired of living in a house that is so stressful and full of arguing between my parents. I don't know what to do and I don't want to take sides but at the end of the day she's my mom and I love her to death. On the other hand, my dad is great too, I just hope everything works out; I don't want anything to happen that might separate my family. Most of my friend’s parents aren't together, their being raised by their moms alone. I also have friends who haven’t seen their dads in years and some of them don't even know who their dads are. I don't want our household to be like that. My dad is great, I just hope that he can make my mom feel better so that our house can go back to being the normal way it was.
Alexis feels so good
Well my husband is treating me like a queen. I feel so good lying here, he's rubbing my feet as I lay in a bath filled with scented oils and bubbles. His touch makes me feel tingly and relaxed all over. Tristan is so sexy… oh how I've missed these special times with the man of my dreams. I can't wait to see what else comes from this rare type of night. Tonight I'm even enjoying our conversation, we haven't talked like this in quite some time it almost feels like he wants to share more with me. But I won't press him, I'll let him move at his pace.
And whatever he tells me, I will make sure to be understanding and listen carefully. I need him to know that I am not only his wife, but his friend. We are deeper than flesh, we are soulmates…he is a good man to me and always has been. And I will never disrespect him by not listening or making him feel bad for opening up to me. But I must admit, I'm a bit scared. I don't know what's on his mind, even though he's loving me and treating me beautiful right now. I know my husband and I can see in his eyes that there's something he wants to share. I pray it’s not another woman. Oh my God, does he have a baby on the way? I wonder does he love another woman and he no longer loves me? I don’t know if he’s planning on leaving me or what…his actions sometimes speak that way. Let me chill, my mind is going into overload and I don’t want to get all tensed up.
I'm just going to relax while enjoying this foot massage. Look at him, sitting there. I feel myself getting tingly inside. It feels good to just enjoy my sexy husband and our special night together. It’s been a long time since we've done anything like this maybe this is the start of something bigger. Hopefully…
The night started out beautiful… my wife came home and I had her a nice bubble bath ran. Hot and ready for her when she came in, I wanted her to totally relax with me tonight. After she got in the tub I came into the bathroom with a glass of her favorite wine and begin washing her feet. As I washed her feet we had small talk that became a deeper conversation. We haven't talked like this in years, and it feels good. I began washing her entire chocolate body and watching her enjoy it is turning me on. Damn, I haven't felt like this for Alexis in years. I forgot about the beauty within my wife, her loveliness and the gentleness that could come from her.
Being such a strong woman, sometimes she can be so mean and secluded. And I’m partially to blame for her anger, I know. But at this very moment I'm washing her body, her head is laid back, eyes closed and she has a look of pure pleasure on her face. I see her body through the bubbles… she is so sexy and curvaceous. Her beautiful skin is glistening, and she's all mine. I began to realized just how much I miss being with my wife this way. As I caressed her body she became even more vulnerable within my hands. And I was thinking to myself, I'm the man of this relationship and it's my responsibility to make her happy and keep her happy this is a moment I won't forget. I just want to make the best of tonight. And from here on out I will do better by her whether were together or not. She deserves the best, she's done nothing wrong… it's not her fault that I've been living my life on the down low. It's not her fault that I've been gay since I can remember, I don't have a clue how I'm going to fix this but for tonight I'm just going to enjoy us and have a great time. I’ve missed her and I can tell that she misses me.