Maybe Tonight (8 page)

He had three hours until he and Laney were expected at his grandmother’s house for Christmas lunch and he still needed to head to Fisketorvet Mall to pick up two more presents. Mads glanced at his watch. If he left now, he just might make it there and back without too much of a fuss.

Laney was still in bed. Though she’d showered and changed clothes, she’d been complaining about her back and retreated to the bedroom again after breakfast.

She couldn’t stay in bed all day though. Her cousin Eddy was with them, and judging by her restless mood she would expect Laney to be up soon for a walk.

Mads was just putting on his coat when Eddy bounded in from her morning run. She barely looked winded though she’d probably run 10K. This was only the second time Mads had met Laney’s cousin. Though they could have been sisters, he was still struck by how different they were. Physically, Laney was curvier than Eddy, even before the pregnancy. Eddy was lean from all the running she did. And Laney was so laidback; Eddy couldn’t sit still. She always needed something to do. And silence seemed to bother her. She filled it with constant chatter. Mads wasn’t used to it. Eddy could talk about anything. Laney was more into letting silence speak for itself.

“Where are you on your way to?” she asked as she unzipped her fleece jacket.

“I need to finish the Christmas shopping,” he told her. “Just two more presents.”

“For Laney?”

Mads nodded. “I don’t really know what I should give her.”

“Do you want me to come with you? I know what she likes…”

“I don’t want her to be on her own. Her back is still bothering her.”

“Maybe I should get her to take a walk. That might help.”

Mads nodded absently. His mind was elsewhere. With the new orders that were coming in, the deposits people gladly paid, he could afford a more expensive present now…

“Mads?”

He blinked quickly, startled back into the real world and not the confusing world of gift-giving and what to give the woman you love when she’s been used to life a little more spectacular.

“Don’t over-think it.” Eddy tilted her head to the side and swept her palm over her glistening forehead. “She is so happy about the gift you’ve already given her…don’t think you need to compete with her past.”

Mads smiled, feeling a little relieved even if he knew instinctively Laney wasn’t comparing him to Niklas. But sometimes he couldn’t help worrying. It would be a while before he’d ever be able to treat her to expensive trips to Asia to escape the winter dreariness or travel business class or first class to the US when she was feeling homesick.

“I want her to be happy.”

“Trust me. She’s happy,” Eddy assure him. “I know my cousin. She’s never been happier.”

“I think we both are…”

“Then you have everything–just love her, treat her well, be there when she needs you.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do.” Mads grinned sheepishly and ducked his head.

“Yeah, I know…I heard you last night. God, you guys never stop do you?”

Mads’s felt a sudden rush of heat flood his skin. Most likely his cheeks were blooming red.

Eddy laughed and teased him a bit more. “All I can say is, damn! No wonder she hightailed it to Denmark when she had the chance.”

He ended up not going all the way to Fisketorvet. Just the idea of trying to find a parking space there put him off going there. Instead, he walked across the bridge to Indre By, walking as fast as he could until he was almost at Kongens Nytorv. He still owed Laney something significant. And the bond between them wouldn’t become permanent until it was done.

Just behind the Hotel D’Angleterre there was a little jeweler’s shop that Mads had stumbled upon one afternoon when he’d needed to clear his thoughts. He’d originally thought he’d just take a long walk and then eat lunch at Puk on Vandkunsten. But he’d been so lost in thought he ended up dodging tourists on Strøget and then ducked into a side street. That’s when he’d found the tiny jewelry shop with its selection of rings inspired by nature. Mads memorized the location and made a point of walking past it, always awed by the craftsmanship and beauty of such fragile pieces made to resemble crushed leaves or flower petals. He’d been mesmerized by the exquisite intricacy of each piece and wanted to purchase one for Laney. But then…well, he hadn’t been able to afford it.

He opened the door to the shop, relieved they were open on Christmas Eve when so many other shops were already closed.

The old man behind the counter smiled broadly when he caught sight of Mads. “Is it now?”

Mads grinned and nodded. “Yes, now is the time.”

The old  man disappeared into the back of the shop and then emerged a few minutes later with a caramel colored velvet box. “It’s not Tiffany & Company, but I think she will love it,” he said as he lifted the lid of the small box.

Inside the box, the ring gleamed and looked more brilliant and beautiful than anything he’d ever created. He bit his lower lip, anticipating already how Laney would react when she finally saw it. “She’ll love it. She loves maple trees…they remind her of home.”

“Then this will be a happy day indeed,” the old man concluded. “And that pleases me.”

When he came home, the apartment was preternaturally silent. He called out Eddy and Laney’s names but neither answered in reply. He checked his phone–no messages, so he sent a message to Eddy’s phone. It only took a few minutes to receive a reply. “Laney craving cinnamon bun. Just on other side of bridge. Back in a bit.”

But a bit turned into longer. There was no Christmas lunch at his grandmother’s house. At 1PM on Christmas Eve, Mads and Laney’s daughter decided she was ready to be born–a little over three months early. Though she was far too early, Mads thought she was the most beautiful little girl in the world.

And he and Laney named her Olivia Gloria Halliwell Rasmussen. But she was always called “Liv”. And they honored both their mothers. Olivia for his mother, Gloria for Laney’s.

Laney was still in the hospital too. She’d lost a lot of blood and had to have a blood transfusion. He tried not to think about it–that for a while things were touch and go–losing Laney was not something he ever wanted to consider. They’d only just started their lives together.

But now as he rode his bicycle along the wintry streets in the grey morning light, he tried only to think about that today he’d find out when both Laney and baby Liv could come home. Laney’s aunt Cecily called nearly every day to check in on her progress, Eddy called too. She was in Stockholm now, trying to deal with what she’d called Boyfriend Behaving Badly Syndrome. But she’d return to Copenhagen at the end of the week. Until then, he was on his own. Henrik had had to return to Singapore for more contract negotiations and, though his grandmother tried help, Mads was more taking care of  her than she was of him. Ingrid and Anton came by often, even bringing him dinner when they knew he’d probably forgotten to eat anything. Adam and Trine had stopped by a few times to keep him company in the evenings but Trine’s disdain for Laney didn’t help. Though Trine would ask about the baby and coo over the pictures of Liv he’d snapped with his iPhone, whenever he mentioned Laney and her condition, Trine would tune out. Adam would eventually apologize for her behavior but the pall of her rudeness and indifference still lingered.

“Hallo, Mads!” Nurse Gudrun, the oldest of the preemie ward care nurses, greeted him as he strode down the hall.

“
Hej
,
hej.
” He stopped and nodded at her. “How are they…?”

“All is well. We can take your daughter out of the ventilator now, but she’ll need to be in an incubator a few days.”

“But that’s brilliant…”

“Your wife…I think she can go home tomorrow. We know she is anxious to be out of here,” the nurse chuckled. She raised her eyebrows and then came from behind the desk. She was carrying a vase of fresh flowers in vibrant purples and pinks. “Come, she’s awake now, and these just arrived from her colleagues.”

Mads kept stride with the nurse’s brisk pace. “Do you think Doctor Søndergaard will be able to say when Liv can come home too?”

“Soon,” the nurse said. “It shouldn’t be much longer. She is a fighter, your little one. Such a sweet little fighter.”

As they approached Laney’s room, Mads felt his heart beat faster. Tomorrow she could come home. A bittersweet homecoming since Liv would need to stay longer, but perhaps in a week or two she’d be able to come home as well.

Home. It’s funny, he never thought much about coming home to someone or having a reason to come home. All those nights he used to spend at the workshop to avoid the silence and reminder that he was alone, or the nights when his workshop mates dragged him out for drinks at the local pubs, the one-night stands that left him feeling even emptier. Thank God he and Laney had found one another…

“It won’t be easy at first,” the older woman reminded him. “She may develop breathing problems, she may have problems with her intestines…this is why we must keep her a little longer, to make sure she is in tip-top shape before you and your wife take her home.”

He nodded as he took all of this in. He just wanted to have his family home with him.

And Nurse Gudrun, she shifted the vase in her arms and then patted his cheek. “You’ll be fine, you know. I can tell. I see how gentle you are with your daughter, how you take such good care of your wife. You’ll be fine.”

“So tomorrow you can go home, Laney,” Dr. Søndergaard said in her very precise English as she looked up from her chart. Though Mads and Laney had told her several times that Laney could understand Danish, the doctor insisted on speaking English with them.

Laney squeezed Mads’s hand. “Can Liv come home too?”

The doctor shook her head no. “Her lungs are much stronger, but we still need to monitor her gastrointestinal system before we send her home. You can come every day to visit, spend time with her. You’ll be able to hold her much longer now, but we need to see she can tolerate feeding and that her body can process it.”

“So how long…?” Mads asked.

“Perhaps two weeks. It could take longer, but a safe estimate is two weeks.”

“I just wish we could take her home now…” Laney said softly. “I want her to be near us.”

“I know you do,” Dr. Søndergaard said in a reassuring voice, “but this is what is best for her sake and yours. We couldn’t send her home if she isn’t ready yet.”

Before Laney could protest again, Mads thanked the doctor and said they understood. He gave Laney’s hand a reassuring squeeze and said, “Come, let’s go see our little girl.”

He helped her out of bed though he knew she didn’t need it. She looked so fragile now. She’d lost a little of her luster but it would return. He knew it. And whenever they walked down to the hall to the preemie nursery, the closer they came to Liv the more Laney sparkled.

Now as they arrived at the window, they watched their little girl sleep. Her tiny caramel-hued hands balled into fists, her dark hair already curly like her mother’s. The neonatal nurse on duty noticed them at the window and beckoned them inside.

“She’s breathing on her own now, so you can hold her. Go through and I’ll bring her out to you.”

They went into the lounge, which had been set up to look as close to a normal baby’s nursery as possible, with jolly pastel shades of blue, yellow and cream and comfy chairs. Laney gestured for Mads to sit in the rocking chair.

“But you should hold her first,” Mads protested.

“No, I get to hold her all the time. They bring her to me to try nursing and I get to hold her and love her. She needs to feel you first now.”

When the nurse came through, she carefully set Liv on Mads’s chest and said, “Yes, hold the back of her head ever so gently… you know, we noticed she likes it when we sing to her…”

Laney grinned. “I used to sing to her when she was still inside of me.”

“Well, she obviously heard you…”

The nurse and Laney continued talking, but Mads barely noticed. He only had eyes for his little girl.

“You have to remember,” Nurse Gudrun said one morning when she brought Liv from the nursery, “she was born far too early, she was so impatient to meet her parents that she set things in motion far too soon.”

Mads had nodded in assent, but secretly he wondered if this was some sort of divine punishment. Were they being reminded that they’d not followed the rules? It was his silent fear. That somehow, because they’d followed their hearts instead of simply playing the waiting game and being rational…that somehow this was the price they had to pay. He only asked his grandmother if she felt the same, but she shook he head and pressed one of her powdery kisses to his cheek and reminded him that no one knew what God had planned. “Not even the angels know, my dear,” she said as she ruffled his hair. “One simply accepts the lot one has been given and deals with it.”

But the guilt still ate at Mads. He should have been with Laney when she went into labor instead of doing something as frivolous as buying a ring he still had not had time to give her. They’d had too many other things to think about…

Sometimes going to sleep didn’t help. He’d close his eyes and begin to drift off and suddenly an image of how he imagined it had all happened filled his mind. Laney walking slowly, her arm linked with Eddy’s as they headed to the café–and then her coming to a stop, grimacing and biting through the pain, her hand immediately clutching her distended belly and then the realization that something was very wrong…as blood trickled down her legs. That was how she’d explained it…in fits and spurts. She always told him she was not scared, but he didn’t believe her.

Tonight was no different. Laney had been restless, too restless to remain in bed and she’d wandered into the living room. He called out to her but then head her talking softly in the darkness. He found her on the sofa, phone to her ear, talking in English and saying, “I don’t know if I can ever go through that again…I’m so scared it will happen again.”

The floorboards creaked under his feet as he walked across the room. Laney gasped and then murmured, “You scared me…”

“I woke up and you were gone,” he said and then sat beside her, pulling her close. “Who are you talking to?”

“My aunt Cecily…”

“Ah…okay.” He breathed in the scent of her. She smelled like sunshine and warm days, even though it was still winter. She nestled into him and continued talking to her aunt. Now though the conversation was more generic, she didn’t confess her secret fears. He swallowed hard, not saying anything as he relished having her close again. Those weeks she’d had to spend in the hospital and taken their toll on him, leaving him uncertain of what he should do or even where he should be.

When Laney finally ended the call, she turned so she could face him and they kissed slowly, lingering over one another’s lips. The milky sweet taste of her breath, the heat of it on his lips, left him longing for her but he knew…no, it was too early, too soon. No matter how much he wanted her, they still had to go by her doctor’s plan.

“What’s wrong?” Laney held him closer before he could pull away. “I’m not made of glass, you can still hold me. You can still kiss me.”

“I want you, the way we could be…before…” he hesitated. “Shit…why the fuck do I even care when we can’t even have our little girl home with us…?”

“She’ll be home with us soon,” Laney kissed him, letting her lips linger over his. He savored the closeness even if it only made him want her more. She traced her fingertips over his cheeks and set off crackling sparks of want in him. Even as he pulled her into his lap, he knew they should stop.

“We can’t, Laney…”

“I’m okay now, Mads…”

“No…” But even as he said it, he craved her. How many weeks had it been? How many months? They’d been so focused on Liv, on when she would be well enough to come home…they’d slept next to one another without touching…Now Laney was so close, Mads’s senses ignited, reminding him of those first weeks when his longing to be close to her was insatiable. “Are you sure?”

She nodded. “I asked the midwife and Dr. Søndergaard. They said it was okay now.”

They sat there for a while, Mads pressing Laney so close they were breathing in one another’s exhalations…Laney’s legs locked around him as she stroked his neck…his back.

“But…” What if she got pregnant again…what if she went into labor too early again…? What if he lost them both? He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“I need to feel you inside me again,” she whispered against his lips.

“I’m scared of losing you…” he breathed it out so quickly. “We came too close now, I could I have lost you…”

“No, Mads, I was always okay…”

He shook his head. “The doctors said…”

“I lost a lot of blood, but I had the transfusion and I was fine. I’m not made of glass….I’m not going to break…I’m yours…”

“But…I heard you…”

“We’ll just…use a condom this time. We’ll be okay.”

He carried her into the bedroom, still unsure if they were doing the right thing, but he missed her, missed the intimacy, missed how she felt around him.

And they rediscovered one another, the sudden gasps, they savored one another…and inside Laney, he knew he was home again.