My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (4 page)

Anika starts speaking to the device, so I know the thing is voice activated like Zumba Kirsten’s boom box robot. Except, Anika seems to be speaking to this behemoth of a thing in her native language.

“It understands Hungarian?”

Anika nods at me and finishes what she was saying to it.

Suddenly, the object bursts into motion. A tray shoves out of the front with a cucumber on it and starts chopping away. Before I know it the robot has sliced and diced its way through all the ingredients I was going to put together for soup of the day.

“It is stupendous, yes?” Anika beams at me.

I don’t know what to say. I have to admit I am impressed, but at what price? “How much does Oliver want for this thing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“That is stupendously correct, boss lady. Mr Oliver said you need the robot help and he is stupendously kind to gift it.”

Chewing my bottom lip, I’ve got my doubts. I don’t want to upset Anika though, so I keep my reservations to myself. Why would Oliver give me this massive robot for free? It must have cost a fortune to develop at CoTechnic.

I smell a rotten fish, and I’m not talking about that one time we had to throw out a bad batch of mackerel. I’ll leave it for now, but I’m definitely returning this contraption to Oliver today. I’ll just have to tell Anika it went in for repairs or something.

Whhhrrrr.

The machine just finished blending all its ingredients inside its internal blender.

“It now stupendously will cook the soup inside blender.” Anika looks on at the slightly glowing robot. Clearly she’s impressed by the stupendous thing. Admittedly, I can’t find fault with something so helpful, but I’m still weary and determined to send it right back to the factory as soon as possible.

***

Dropping my keys onto the entrance hall table at the end of the day at home, I make my way down the corridor. “Did you ever get hold of Oliver, darling?” I’d been trying to reach the man at CoTechnic all throughout the day.

“He’s not in my department, love!” Callum bellows back to me just as I enter the kitchen. “I thought I told you that before.” He smiles at me, but I don’t return the grin.

Brenda is here. She’s sitting rigidly straight on a high stool at the counter extension. “How many times does my son have to tell you things, Emily dear?” She barks a laugh as though it will take the sting out of what she’s just said. Callum’s mum always does that. She’ll put me down with words and then laugh it off to make her statements seem hilarious, which they so are not.

“Mum.” Callum grumbles. I know he sees through her laughter too. “I might have forgotten to tell her.”

Setting down her cup of tea, Mrs Stephenson tightens the ponytail in her dark brown dyed hair. She’s always got her hair up and she’s always dressed in a track suit. The woman takes being a personal trainer to the extreme. I think she’d absolutely move into one of the rooms at the Meli Spa if they allowed it. The hotel and gym is like her second home already as it is. “Somehow I doubt that, dear.” Her tea cup tinkles onto the saucer and her voice tinkles with false laughter.

Callum clears his throat as though doing so will clear the awkward air. “Mum’s here to help with the wedding plans, Em!”

The floor seems to drop out from under me. So it’s true. I had heard him correctly last night when he said he told his mother we’re engaged.

“Um.” I mumble. “That’s… that’s…” I can’t bring myself to speak. What am I supposed to say? That’s fantastic? That’s fantastically abhorrent, more like.

“No need to thank me, dear.”

I wasn’t going to thank you, I think as Brenda hops down off her stool.

“The memories of my wedding to your father.” She pauses to look beseechingly at Callum. “That day is burned into my memory…”

Bit dramatic.

“… I’ll help you sort everything out, Emily. Starting with this.” The woman slaps my tummy.

She. Slapped. My. Stomach.

“Here you are.” I’m given a credit card sized object. “A six month membership to the Meli Spa!” She exclaims.

“Emily already has a membership at the Splash for her Zumba Zumba, Mum.”

“It’s just Zumba.” I can’t quite believe I just said that at the same time Brenda did. Irritated, I try to hand the Meli Spa membership card back to her. “Callum’s right, I’m already a member of the Splash gym.”

“Rubbish!” Brenda waves her hand through the air and I step back a bit lest she make any sudden moves towards my curved body parts. “That gym is the public urinal—”

“Mum!” Callum interjects.

“You know it’s true, Son.” She replies quickly. “Chav mums take their brats to that horrible place where the little monsters do more than just wee in that pool.” She laughs, as per…

“They’re not chav… oh never mind. I’m happy with my Zumba class though, Brenda.” I can’t help myself. When I say her name it’s through gritted teeth.

“Fine.” Scooping up her massive gym bag, Callum’s buff mum throws the heavy looking thing over her muscly shoulder with ease. “Keep both memberships and I’ll see you in an hour for your first speed bike session. We’ll whip you into shape for your wedding yet, Emily darling!”

“Oh really—”

Callum cuts me off by escorting his mother quickly out of the house. When he comes back into the kitchen I’m seething with near apoplectic rage. “You told her and now look what’s happened!” I bang the gym membership card down onto the counter. “Ow!” I cry, because that really hurt.

“Emily!” Callum rushes to my side. “Calm down, babe.”

The one thing I hate most in this world is when I’m so angry I’m seeing red, and someone tells me to calm down.

Oh! What’s the point? Taking his advice, I do calm down with a heaving sigh. “I just didn’t want your mum to know, honey. She’s so judgemental of me and—”

“She’s just going through a hard time since…”

Here we go. Since I met him Callum’s always defended his mother’s sorrow at his father dying. Even though his death seems like a long time ago to me, I’m chastised. How can I be so rude to the woman who lost her husband? I feel super guilty now. Looking up at my soon-to-be-husband as he speaks, I know I could never imagine what my own sorrow would be like if I ever lost Callum.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be!” Ever the understanding bloke, my fiancé lifts my chin with his finger. “You know Mum, she’s always just trying to help.”

I smile sheepishly up at him. I know why Callum told his mum about the wedding now. “Did you tell your mum about the wedding so that she’d stop calling you at work?”

“How very dare you? My cheeky little love.”

I grin widely as he leans in and kisses me on the teeth. When he pulls away I continue to smile. “I’m just winding you up, because I think you deserve it now and then.”

He squints his eyes. “Do I?”

This time when I kiss him it’s for real, and as tooth free as possible. Wrapping my arms around his neck I whisper into his ear. “You’re a star looking out for your mummy the way you do.”

Callum wraps his arms around my not very slender waist and squeezes me tight. My previously control underwear squished body only protests slightly. I’m just hoping I can work up as much sympathy for my beloved’s mum too, because I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of her right up until our wedding day. If it means she’ll be less sad about losing her own husband, then of course I’m going let her get involved in our nuptials.

Besides, it really will mean Brenda will have less time to bother Callum at work, whether he admits to this fact or not.

***

I honestly can’t believe I’m doing this to myself. As if I didn’t suffer enough yesterday when being pummelled into very tight clothing indeed. Now I find I’m willingly at the gym for a cardio session on stationary bikes.

I hate bikes. The thing I love about Zumba is that it’s dancing in attempts at getting fit. All the other machines at the gym put me right off exercise. They’re torture devices, in my humble opinion.

As I walk into the posh Meli Spa I zip my new membership card through the entrance turnstile. A few bleeps happen on the panel and I’m reminded of the hulking robot I really need to dispense with back at the cafe.

“Emily!” Talking of which, Kirsten is heading down the wide gleaming corridor towards me with her chrome bot floating alongside. “What are you doing here?” She asks me when she approaches. The shiny machine by her side hums and whirs to a halt.

What am I doing here? I could ask her the same thing. So I do. “Do you work here too?” I’m wondering when this girl finds the time for her uni studies.

“Yep!” She bounces on the heel of her trainers. “I do Zumba here part time too, but you just missed my class.”

“Oh no, no, no. Definitely no.” Kirsten raises her eyebrows at my no-ness. “Sorry, hun. I’m not here for more Zumba. I get enough of that at the Splash already!” Leaning closer I whisper to her conspiratorially. “I’m here for the bike class, against my wishes.”

“And this is a big secret because?”

Darting my eyes around I make sure Brenda hasn’t arrived yet. I wouldn’t want her to overhear our conversation and get her feelings hurt. “Because I don’t want to be here at all, that’s why.”

Kirsten’s brows lower and she frowns. “Have you been here before?”

“No. Why?”

“You say you don’t want to be here, but trust me when I say you won’t want to leave after your class!” Now it’s my turn to frown as I have no idea what the girl is talking about. Kirsten notices the scowl on my face. “You do know you’ll get to use the spa facilities after your class, right Emily?”

As a matter of fact I didn’t know that. I’ve heard of the astounding sauna and treatment rooms at the ‘adults only’ Meli Spa. I’ll bet no one shits in the pools here! Not that I’ve ever actually witnessed a floater in the water at the Splash for myself. Thankfully.

From the moment I shake my head, no, Kirsten becomes extremely excited. “Let me show you then!” She grabs my hand and whistles at the robot. “Come on, Stevie!”

She pulls me along the pristine white corridor. “Did you name that robot?”

“What…? Oh!” Kirsten finally lets go of my hand. “Yeah, I named it.” She looks at the robot as it floats beside us, chrome exterior gleaming and the little lights around its speakers glowing dimly. “He’s now Stevie the stereo bot.”

I giggle slightly as we enter the spa area. “Wow.” Is all I say. It’s all I’m sure I need to say, because Kirsten can detect my amazement at the place.

“Incredible, innit?”

“Pah!” I snort. “I see you’ve picked up a bit of local lingo.”

Kirsten laughs. “Yeah, innit bruv!”

I wink at her then gaze around. The spa and pool area is exquisite. No wonder kids aren’t allowed here. I don’t mind the squealing children who frequent the Splash gym, but here, I can see how I’d be able to achieve an inner calm for myself.

“I think you’ve been listening to too much London rap music on your Stevie bot.” I point at the robo-stereo and I swear it chirps electronically at me in reply. “Weird,” I mumble under my breath.

“Say what?”

“Oh it’s nothing, I just…” I pause and lean toward little Stevie for a better look. “Don’t you think these robots are kind of creepy? They’re so technologically advanced.” I can see my reflection in Stevie’s shiny surface. It’s kind of like peering at the outer side of a spoon. My reflection is distorted and my nose looks huge. “These bots seem way ahead of their time.”

“I think Stevie is way cool.”

When she says this there’s a scowl on Kirsten’s face, not a smile. Standing straight, I look away from Stevie. “I’ve got a bot at my cafe now.”

Kirsten’s scowl deepens, but her words betray her features when she replies. “Oh, right… yeah that’s awesome, Emily.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been trying to get hold of Oliver all day to return the damn thing.” Suddenly, without warning, Stevie bot moves toward me and then next thing that occurs seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

I’m shoved over the edge of the pool.

Splash!

I go down into the water fully dressed in workout wear. When my head bubbles to the surface I’m frantic and spluttering. I can see through the hazy film of water over my eyes and the next instantaneous occurrences seems to happen at the rate of a nano-second.