Read My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding Online

Authors: Katya Starkey

Tags: #Chick-Lit

My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (5 page)

BOOK: My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding
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In other words, Kirsten isn’t quick enough to stop the Stevie bot from splashing into the same pool I’m standing in.

Zap!

I no longer have to wonder if that little menace of a robot runs on electricity because I know it in my heart when it stops beating. The surface of the swimming pool lights up in a glowing blue flash, my life flashes before my eyes and I sink into the water realising I’ve just become the thing in swimming pools I abhor…

… I’m a floater.

 

***

Sound rushes in. I feel as though I’m waking from a dream, except I don’t remember any nightmares. Especially no dreams about walking on my boobs. Thankfully.

Who? What? Where? Why?

I’m so confused. When did I go to bed?

Oh. I’m not in bed. I’m lying on a very hard floor. “Oooohhh,” I moan and my hand flies up to my forehead. “Where am I?”

“Emily!” The sound of Kirsten’s voice penetrates my hearing at a rate of knots. “You’re safe on the floor. You’re not in the water. Damn that stupid robot!”

“Calm down, miss.” A different voice says. It’s a male voice and when I open my eyes my suspicions are confirmed. There’s a boy of Kirsten’s age leaning over me. His hair is blonde and dripping wet. “Everyone please disperse!”

Glancing around I notice who he’s talking too, even though he’s keeping his eyes on me. A crowd of people in swimsuits, some wearing white robes and towels. They all surround me and none of them seem to be dispersing at all. They just keep staring down at me.

“What happened?” I mumble again.

“Stevie pushed you into the pool, Emily!” I blink and turn my head to the side just as she kicks the boombox robot. “Stupid thing could have killed you with its electric shock!”

“Miss, please.” The blonde boy says. I presume he’s talking to Kirsten, but he’s still keeping his eyes locked onto me. It’s getting kind of creepy, to be honest. “You’re not helping keep her calm.”

“Calm?” Kirsten screeches. “How can anyone stay calm at a time like this? My friend almost died!”

Oh dear. I’m having trouble processing my thoughts and I’m inclined to agree with the staring blonde. Kirsten’s shouting is doing my head in much worse.

“Miss Blythe.” Someone knew has approached. It’s a man in a dark business suit. “You will calm down or you’ll have to leave the spa.”

The spa?

Of course the spa. The Meli Spa.

I know where I am. I know why I’m lying on the hard, wet floor. I’m next to the swimming pool that I almost died in!

Sitting bolt upright I nearly smack foreheads with the staring teenager. “Your robot did almost kill me, Kirsten!” I freak out and words tumble from my mouth. “Stevie is a bad robot! A very, very bad robot! It pushed me in. It totally pushed me…”

Madness ensues. The blonde boy tries to calm me with words, but his face is so close to mine it only unnerves me further. Kirsten is complaining to her suit wearing boss and all the gathered spa goers look on with interest.

Only the sound of approaching sirens outside snaps me out of it.

“Did someone call an ambulance?” Turning my head I look out the window just as flashing lights whizz by on the street.

“I did.” Blonde boy whispers, but he’s so near my ear I hear him perfectly well. “Well,” he adds. “I had another member of staff call for an ambulance after I rescued you from the water.”

Pushing my head back, I stare at the wet blonde boy in surprise. “You saved me from drowning?” He nods in confirmation. “But how? Didn’t that robot completely electrify the water?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Now he shakes his head. “I had to do my duty as lifeguard when you went under.”

I’m about to thank the boy when I notice Kirsten has stopped arguing with her boss. Turning my head I notice two paramedic men approaching.

“Oops, gotta go.” Suddenly, I spring to my feet. I’m a little dizzy once I’m standing, and I slip in my wet trainers a bit. Once I blink a few times though, I’m perfectly all right. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself internally because there’s no way I’m going back to hospital with those paramedics. Not when I was just there yesterday for a false alarm heart attack. I’ve had enough of being embarrassed by near drowning tonight, I’m not about to end up at the same hospital where the medical staff probably all think I’m a raging hypochondriac.

 

***

Five minutes later I’ve managed to talk my way out of going for an ambulance ride with the paramedics to the hospital. I’m making my soaking wet way through the front lobby area when the shouting of my name halts me in my sodden steps.

“Where are you going, Emily?”

Turning round I come face to face with the woman whose fault it is I even came here tonight in the first place. I don’t care how posh and wee free the pools are here at the Meli Spa, I’m never coming here again. Even if it was the robot’s fault for my near drowning, I just want to leave the premises asap.

“Oh! Why are your workout clothes soaking wet?”

“She drowned, Brenda!”

Of course Kirsten knows my husband’s mother, they both work here.

“I saved her.” To my right blonde boy has approached. He puffs up his bare chest with pride.

“I didn’t drown.” I rub my forehead in frustration. “I’m fine. I just want to get home and get changed.”

“Please, Miss!” The spa manager comes running up. “Let us sort you out with a dry dressing gown at least.”

Scraping my hand down my face, I blink. And then I blink again in surprise.

Blink, blink, blink go my eyelids as a blinking and flashing light up spa robot comes floating towards me. It’s another white number like Lara’s bridal bot, except this thing is definitely not shaped like a wedding bell. It’s a large white block and as it nears me a robot arm extends gripping towels and a comfortable looking robe.

No! I must not succumb to the allure of such luxuries. Kirsten’s robot malfunction nearly cost me my life by pushing me into the pool. Whatever’s wrong with her bot might happen to my own and as far as I’m concerned the robot at my cafe is going straight back to Oliver tomorrow. Even if I have to drag the thing to CoTechnic myself.

“Um…” I mumble and take a step back towards the exit. “I’m fine really, I just need to get home.”

Everyone practically charges toward me. Brenda starts complaining that I can’t get out of exercising so easily as drowning. Kirsten is apologising for her stupid robot. The manager looks concerned as he nears with his huge spa bot, and the lifeguard lad is still pressuring me to go to hospital.

There’s nothing else for it really. If I’m ever going to get dry I’m just going to have to leave.

So that’s what I do. I turn around and head straight out the large sliding glass doors. I don’t hear any chatter behind me and I’m assuming I’m not being followed. I make it to my car without any further fuss, hop in and the second I sit down, lifeguard lad joins me in the passenger seat.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing?” I gape at him.

“If you won’t go to hospital I’m going to make sure you get home safely.” He looks at me with big blue eyes and I’m beyond creeped out by this kid.

“You actually just got into my car.” My voice doesn’t begin to describe the outrage I feel within. “Get out immediately or I’ll have you arrested for… for…” I can’t think of anything off the bat, I’m so flabbergasted at the audacity of this teenager. “Just get out of my car!”

Of all the reactions I could ever expect from a crazy lad, a smile isn’t one of them. And that’s exactly what he does. He grins at me. “Okay,” he says.

Next thing I know he’s hopped out of his seat. After the bonkers teenager shuts the passenger side door, he starts waving at me.

I don’t even…

I can’t…

My mind is having trouble processing everything that’s occurred tonight, so it takes me a few seconds to shift gears. Once I snap back into reality I’m off. I peel out of the Meli Spa carpark never to return. Ever. Not even if my life depended upon coming back to this posh, yet insanely staffed, place. Somehow I think the opposite of that. My life would be in mortal peril if I were to ever again pass through its spa doors.

 

Chapter 4

 

The next day at the cafe the first thing I do is put the behemoth robot out onto the street. Upon arriving this morning I’d left three more messages for Oliver, plus I already told Callum to find him at CoTechnic and collect the chef bot from mine immediately. If Oliver wants his robot back he can come get it. There’s no way I’m keeping that thing inside my premises after one of the guy’s malfunctioning bots almost killed me last night.

“I am diabolically sorry to hear of your accidents, boss lady.”

Anika’s new word of the day is as diabolical as her refusal to stop referring to me as the Boss Lady.

“Never mind.” As she starts prepping the soup of the day ingredients, I make my way out of the kitchen. “I need to run some errands, but I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Just don’t go near any diabolical swimming pools, boss lady!” Anika shouts to me as I leave.

When I get to my car and open the door I stare forlornly at the wet driver’s seat. I’d placed a towel over it yesterday. I’d also thrown my soaked workout clothes away. They were getting too big, as I’ve lost some weight, and I didn’t want reminding of my near drowning.

Sitting myself down into the sodden car chair, I drive off and head to the Retail Park. I’m going to need some new workout clothes. When I arrive at the clothing store the first thing I notice is that everything’s been swapped around.

Bollocks!

This really does nothing to improve my mood of late. Well, I suppose a cheery attitude wouldn’t be expected of me after nearly dying from drowning.

I stomp around the shop looking for the leisure wear. Actually, I stomp angrily around the store three times, getting more agitated by the minute. But there’s nothing for it. They’ve simply run out of sportswear at this bloody shop!

“Are you all right, love?”

I must be looking quite red in the face with anger because a store attendant has just approached me.

“Where have all your workout clothes gone?” I ask the woman.

“We don’t stock them anymore.” She says with a flick of her bleached blonde hair. “You can check on the store website though, and there are a few leisure items left on sale over there.”

Turning quickly, I stomp over to where the woman indicated. thinking this really takes the piss. Why can’t anything go right for me lately? I’ve got a wedding coming up! I don’t need all this extra crap that keeps happening.

Flicking angrily through the racks of hardly any selection of clothes, I grab a few items I think might fit and make my way stompily as ever into the ladies fitting room. Yanking the curtain shut in front of my changing cubicle, I start trying on leisure wear.

First is a pair of velour jog pants. In my life I’ve always vowed never to wear velvet anything, but needs must as there’s hardly a selection available at this stupid place.

Shoving my legs into the trousers one at a time I pull them up at the waist and it comes to the bottom of my boobs.

This won’t do!

I could scream as I turn and look in the mirror because I must have grabbed an extra long pair of jog pants by mistake. The waist is hiked up much too high, so I shove it down.

“Oh great.” I grit my teeth because now there’s tons of fabric hanging down at the crotch. Also, the legs of the trousers are pooling around my ankles. “Bollocks to this.”

Ripping off the sale items from my personage, I get redressed into my ill-fitting jeans and t-shirt. I walk —no, I stomp— out of the dressing room and out of the entire store. I guess I’m going to have to shop online because I simply can’t find anything that fits. As I plop myself into my damp car I’m at least hopeful that I’ll get my next errand of the day completed successfully. That assumption goes right out the window when I walk into the health food shop.

There’s an Oliver robot here too!

“Seriously?” I bellow. Does everyone in this bloody town now own one of these contraptions.

“Oh hello, Emily. Here for the usual today?”

BOOK: My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding
4.86Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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