Nemesis (Southern Comfort) (20 page)

“You were a kid,” she countered, easily enough.  He needed facts now, not accusations.  “Kids procrastinate.  And her falling off that ladder
, landing wrong, was nothing more than a terrible accident.”

The raw sound that tore from his throat was a travesty of a laugh.  “Nothing more than a terrible accident?  I killed her, Kathleen.  We’re standing
at our mother’s grave, and you’re trying to tell me that it’s okay?” 

DECLAN
shot a foot out and toppled the bottle.  Watched the whiskey spill over the ground like his heart’s blood.  All these years he’d secretly craved this confrontation, waited for someone to point the finger in blame, someone to tell him it was all his fault.  And yet here she stood throwing his complicity right back in his face.  “My stupid, selfish behavior cost our mother her life.  How can you look at me, right now, and not hate me for what I did?  Hate me for what I am?”

She met his accusatory gaze.  “Because you hate yourself enough for both of us.”

With that truth so plainly spoken, whatever force of will had been holding him together came unraveled, crumpling him body and soul.  He was like a float at the end of the Macy’s parade, ropes dangling, hot air gone.  Even his sarcasm deserted him. 

Hate.  Yes, he’d hated himself through the years.  Hated himself enough to act like the undeserving asshole he secretly knew himself to be. Hated himself enough to push away his family, with their
unfailing love and their good intentions.

But not hating himself enough to abandon them completely.  No, never enough for that.

Because besides being an undeserving asshole he was also a fucking coward.

His family meant too much to him to remove himself from their midst.  No matter that he didn’t deserve them.  Especially after what he did.  He was entirely too selfish a bastard to cut the apron strings for good. 

And now, here his sister stood, telling him that she’d known the black depths of his soul all along.

And typical of his family, loved him anyway.

The weight of that love was too much for his eroded foundation to bear.  He collapsed to the ground, silent at first, until great heaving sobs broke through the dam of indifference which could no longer hold.

HALLELUJAH,
thought Kathleen as she sat beside him, pulled him against her.  All these years he’d coated his grief in a thick layer of guilt and swallowed it down as a bitter pill.  And it had eaten at him like acid.

She soothed him with nonsensical murmurs, abandoning the umbrella to better take him in her arms.  So many times she’d wanted to confront him this way, so many times she’d either lost the nerve or been stonewalled by his shell of bitterness.  Held back by her own.  But that shell had been cracking since Sadie came home, and she couldn’t let this dictate the course of his life any long
er. Couldn’t let her own bitterness keep her silent.

He needed absolution.  Both of them did.

The sobs lessened, coming in weakening bursts, until finally his heaving chest rose more evenly against her own.  She tried to find the words that would further ease his conscience, but found herself pointing out the irony instead.  “You were always her favorite, you know.” 

The rain eased, falling across their shoulders in a chilly drizzle, but the warm exasperation in h
er words helped hold the bite of the cold at bay.  “I’m the baby,” Declan replied shakily.  “And the cutest.”

“Smart ass.”  An indulgent smile lifted her tear-stained cheeks. This was a shade of the brother she loved, and had missed.  “I’m sorry.”

That brought his head up from her shoulder.  “You’re apologizing to me?”

“I could have put an end to this shit years ago.  But I just… brushed it under the rug.  Let you go on mucking things up, not quite kn
owing how to fix it.  There was some hurt there, I think.  Resentment.  Sibling stuff that nobody ever cops to.”

He surprised her by saying “Good.  That makes it better, somehow.  It’s tough, sometimes, to be so human, in a family of freakin’ saints.”

A laugh ripped up from her gut.  “You might want to take off those rose-colored glasses, sonny.  All of us have messed up, too many times to escape your notice.”

“Yes, but none of you have managed to elevate it to an art form, the way I have.”  And the distress plainly written on his face made Kathleen realize there was another issue they had yet to discuss.

“Excellent game plan, running away.  And bonus points for first hurling all over her bathroom.”

H
e winced. “I screwed up,” he acknowledged.  “Start to finish last night.  Bolting like that… I’m not even going to try to offer an excuse other than sheer panic.  I, uh…” it might be only the second time in her life Kathleen had ever seen her brother blush, “guess you know about the broken condom.”

She did, and she also knew from previous discussions that Sadie was on the pill, but she’d leave it to her friend to let him off that particular hook.  He deserved to wriggle on it a bit in the meantime.

“It was just a shock.  That’s never happened to me before, and of course it had to happen with Sadie. Wouldn’t that be the welcome home present that never quits giving?  It was bad enough that I couldn’t keep my hands to myself, let alone permanently screw up her life.  She deserves… anyway.”  He let that thought drift off and cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed.  “I never should have gone over there in the first place.  It was a huge over-reaction.  Stupid.  But her bedroom light was on, and I could see her standing on that ladder and I just –”

“
Freaked out that you might lose the second woman you’ve loved to a fall.”

He didn’t try to deny it.  To his credit and Kathleen’s surprise he didn’t even attempt to sidestep. 

He did, however, wince. “I spent a lot of sleepless hours last night reflecting on what the hell happened.  What’s been happening, since she came home.  And as much as I’d like to pass it off as an aberration, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  Seeing Sadie again….”  He shook his head, and his tone was rueful. “Well, I’m not one to get fatalistic, but looking back, I suspect it was inevitable.  Hell, I think I’ve been in love with her since we were kids.”

Would wonders never cease.  “Banner day for you.  All this emotion, out here in the open.”

“You can put a sock in it, Kath.  This isn’t as easy for me as it looks.”

It looked like he was completely miserable, but she kept that to herself for now.

He stared past the limbs of the oak, took in the gray mist blanketing the cemetery like a shroud.  Weak sunlight struggled to make an appearance.  She figured it was a pretty good analogy of his life over the past fourteen years. 

“So what are the chances
Sadie doesn’t hate me?” 

Probably better than he deserved.  Kathleen stooped over to scoop up the umbrella, useless now that both of them were soaked.  “You’ve got
some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy, but she’s been more worried than anything else.  I did a little damage control by reminding her about our family’s history with ladders, so at least she’s stopped thinking you’re insane.”

“Unfortunate,” he slicked a hand through dripping hair, “since I probably am.”

“No more than she’s already accustomed to.  One of the benefits of falling in love with someone who’s known you since you were in diapers.”

He snorted
, then gave her a sideways look.  “I notice you’ve shown remarkably little surprise about what you walked in on last night.”

“Volatile relationship like yours, either you end up in bed or you kill each other outright.”

“Uh-huh.”  He watched her shake out the umbrella.  “And you had nothing to do with… helping along the outcome?”

As a cop, Kathleen did a really good blank face.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It won’t kill you to drive her to her hotel, Declan.  She needs somebody to look out for her, Declan, and you’re the most logical choice since you live right next door.  She’ll only be staying with you for a few days, Declan.”  He raised an eyebrow.  “Any of that ring a bell?”

“Amazing she didn’t opt for killing you instead.”

“You’re a balm for the soul, truly.”  He shook his head with disgust.  “So this is what it’s come down to. Me squalling and blubbering like a little girl and having my sister run interference with my woman.”

“Think of it as a growth experience.”

“Yeah, you can never get enough of those.”  Then Declan dropped the pretense of irritation, gaze shifting to their mother’s grave.

“She loved her,” Kathleen said, referring to the bond between Colleen and Sadie, who’d treated her like a daughter from day one.  “She’d be happy to see you together.”

“A little premature.  Sadie may not even speak to me again.”

“Wear her down with your charm.”

He gave her an ironic glare.  Then he returned his gaze toward the headstone.  “Did you tell Sadie… about this?  About my part in it?”

“I wasn’t about to pave the whole road for you.  You’ll have to tackle that one on your own.”

“I’ll tell her,” he said, glumly. 

“You’ll feel better for it.  She will, too.  It explains a hell of a lot about your personality.”

“Why do I get the feeling there was an insult hidden in that?”

“Because you might be an idiot, but you’re not stupid.  And also, it wasn’t really hidden.”

“And you wonder why Mom loved me best.”

The pain behind his eyes when he said it had her reaching out to take his hand.  “Make peace with it, Declan.  I meant it when I said it was an accident.  You know she wouldn’t tolerate your guilt.  Living – avoiding life – the way you have been is a discredit to the boy she raised.”

Tears shimmered, but he managed to control them.  “Thank you, Kathleen.  In case I never told you, you’re a hell of a sister.”

“Pretty, too.”  She pushed a sodden hunk of hair from where it was plastered against her forehead.

“Come on.”  He bent down to retrieve the bottle of whiskey.  “Let’s get out of here before we catch pneumonia.”

CHAPTER EIGHTTEEN

SADIE
sighed her disgust as she opened her cell phone, realizing she’d let the battery go dead.  Between preparing for that day’s job interview and trying not to obsess over the debacle with Declan, her head hadn’t been screwed on quite straight.  Hopefully Kathleen hadn’t been trying to reach her.  She’d said she would call if she managed to run Declan to ground. Not that Sadie ever wanted to lay eyes on him again, but it would be nice to know that he wasn’t dead in an alley.  Or passed out in a drunken stupor, with rats nibbling on his extremities.

She tried not to derive a great deal of satisfaction from that image. After all, she’d climbed into that bed with him quite willingly. But the fact remained that she was still irritated with him almost past bearing.

Yes, a broken condom was certainly cause for concern under the circumstances. Maybe even the teensiest bit of panic, considering they’d never discussed the fact that she was on the pill. But to actually
throw up
, and then run away like some kind of prison escapee…

Of course, tempering that was the newfound knowledge of how emotionally vulnerable he’d been last night.  Declan had always been a mama’s boy
, but Sadie hadn’t put his reaction to the ladder together with the manner of his mother’s death.  It made a certain sense that he’d flipped out.  What didn’t make quite as much sense – or at least the sense it made was more infuriating – was the degree to which he’d flipped out after they’d made love.

Had sex, she reminded herself forcefully.  She’d be crazy to confuse that with love.

With Declan Murphy, of all people.

Grunting her annoyance, Sadie stashed the useless phone back into her purse and let herself in the back door.
She’d planned to spend the rest of the morning running errands, but given the way the rain was coming down outside, had decided to postpone those for another day.   

At least her interview had gone well.  The regular art teacher for one of the local schools had gone into labor earlier than expected, leaving the school with some extra maternity leave to cover.  The way it looked, the woman might not be coming back
at all, meaning it was possible Sadie could end up with a full-time position.

So maybe fate wasn’t entirely out to get her.

Tossing her purse on the kitchen table, Sadie strode to the stove to put the kettle on for tea.  It had always been her go-to drink for both comfort and for chasing away a chill.

While she waited for the water to boil she took out one of her new stoneware mugs and rooted through her tea bags.  One orange, passion fruit and jasmine green tea left.

Yes, indeedy. Fate was feeling friendly today.

After unwrapping the bag, Sadie slipped off her heels – sedate black leather, but with a flirty little ribbon in place of the ankle strap – and padded across the worn floorboards toward the answering machine. 

Maybe if Kathleen hadn’t been able to reach her on her cell phone, she would have tried to call the house.  A bold PF flashed in the lighted display window, an unwanted reminder of the power failure she’d experienced during The Incident.  She hadn’t checked this answering machine since, as she usually relied on her cell phone’s voicemail.  Ignoring the small shiver that chased up her spine, she wondered if the outage had messed up the somewhat antiquated machine’s stored messages or the ability to record new ones.  Finding play, she leaned against the counter and waited to find out.