Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story

BOOK: Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story
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NONFICTION

Chasing Down the Dawn: Stories from the Road

POETRY

A Night Without Armor: Poems

CHILDREN

That’s What I’d Do

Sweet Dreams

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

375 Hudson Street

New York, New York 10014

Copyright © 2015 by Jewel

Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

Blue Rider Press is a registered trademark and its colophon is a trademark of Penguin Random House LLC

The credits
here
constitute an extension of this copyright page.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Jewel, date.

Never broken : songs are only half the story / Jewel.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-698-19210-2

1. Jewel, date. 2. Singers—United States—Biography. I. Title.

ML420J38A3 2015 2015024911

728.42164092—dc23

[B]

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

Version_1

I dedicate this book to anyone who is struggling in darkness, seeking to know their light.

contents

also by jewel
title page
copyright
dedication
epigraph
MY NEW SHAPE
foreword
one | pioneer spirit
two | broken harmonies
three | you don’t outrun pain
four | emotional english
five | a breadcrumb trail
six | hard wood grows slowly
seven | calm within chaos
eight | an invisible thread
nine | my own ladder
ten | a sea change
eleven | turn toward the pain
twelve | who will save your soul
thirteen | internal permission
fourteen | the wisdom of silence
FARMERS OF LIGHT
fifteen | the servants of our thoughts
sixteen | safety in vulnerability
seventeen | imperfect, full of mistakes—but honest
eighteen | will she fix her teeth?
nineteen | arriving
twenty | the long shot
twenty-one | every day angels
twenty-two | let your light shine
twenty-three | so. she can ride.
twenty-four | do you love me like i love you
twenty-five | truth over fantasy
THE INFINITE ACHE
twenty-six | brilliant resilience
twenty-seven | life as a country song
twenty-eight | a child of my own
MILK AND LAVENDER
twenty-nine | family tree
TO MY SON
thirty | i choose love
epilogue
WHOLE HUMAN
afterword
photos
acknowledgments
credits
about the author

 

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.
—Joseph Campbell
be ground
be crumbled
so wildflowers will come up where you are
—Rumi

MY NEW SHAPE

40
40 years old
when did this happen
blonde
but gray sneaks in
I’m sure
though I would never know
because I lose myself in
the (hair color) bottle
I am fit enough
maybe more fit
than when I was 20
I have less hair
thanks to an underactive
thyroid
stress induced they say
. . .
I use Latisse to make
my eyelashes grow
I text 50 times a day
I have a scar
above my pubic bone
from a C-section
when they lifted my
sweet boy
from my abdomen
I am newly separated
from my husband
shocking
would have lost the ranch
on that bet
. . .
actually, I did . . .
basically
I am a blank canvas
well not blank maybe—
an unwritten chapter
is perhaps the better metaphor
sure I have a history
a hell of one, actually
I am dinged-up
and weary and my heart
is sore
but really
in the most essential way
I am as new as I ever have been
the best is not behind me
damnit
it’s ahead of me
for the first time
I never stood a chance before
because
I was a slave to what I could not see
a puppet to past patterns
but I have taken a knife
and carved myself free
it cost me dearly
but what I gained is myself
the truest treasure is
a soul who believes
in its own existence—
and I believe!
I am here!
I am showing up!
I have to go slowly
so I don’t skip by
what this moment is
divorce
D
I
V
O
R
C
E
this is the best
worst time
of my life
it is a death
a tragedy
a sad and fiery end
to a dream I desperately wanted
the loss of innocence for my son
and God how this breaks my heart
. . .
but it is also a second chance
and I can’t let sorrow
or self-loathing
or reproach
rob me
of the gift
from fire comes
a stark silence
as flame drives
what is most essential
deep inside
all else burned away
I let all else leave me
I keep only what is most truly me
thank God
for this fire
bless this fire
bless this new shape
I am sexual
I am spiritual
I am mother
I am playful child
I am
unapologetic
U
N
A
P
O
L
O
G
E
T
I
C
it took me
40 years
but I’m here
finally
it has been
hard-won
and you can bet
I’m not giving it up
for anyone
no more submissive posture
no more tentative shape
no more body
bent like a question mark
. . .
I know what’s best for me
above all others
finally
I reserve the sacred right
to redefine myself at will
I can stand in my own power
and not make myself small
for anyone
to make them feel safe
I will shrink myself
no longer
to make
any human feel
BOOK: Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story
9.64Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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