Not Mine to Give (24 page)

Duncan brushed the dust from his clothes, grabbed his shirt from the peg where he’d hung it to keep it clean, and took long, determined steps toward the outdoor vat of water where he could bathe. “Nay,” he said, stepping into the icy water and scrubbing the dirt and sweat from his body. “I can na ask her to risk her soul. But I can na believe our priest would demand she make such a vow. He knew my father’s honor would be lost if he gave up the crown.”

“Mayhap you should search hard to make sure your father’s honor has been lost.”

“Do you think Father could have given the priest the order to return the crown to England?”

Angus paced in front of the wooden barrier. He looked as if he were pondering the idea, considering it as a possibility. “I do
na know. Your father loved peace above all else. He may have weighed the options and decided the risks were too great to keep the crown.”

“My father loved Scotland above all else, and sacrificed everything to protect his people from the English. I can
na believe he would have given the crown to Father Kincaid with instructions to give it to Kate to return it to her father.”

“Nay. I do
na think Father Kincaid was to give the crown to your Kate. I think he was to give the crown to her sister, Lady MacIntyre. Your Kate took the crown in her place and Father Kincaid did na know the difference.”

Duncan rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and shook his head. Could he dare believe his father would have made the decision to give the crown back, knowing that loyal Scots had died to take it?

“Kate thinks my father was na protecting the crown from England, but from Bolton. She thinks he believed it would be safer in England’s hands than in Bolton’s.”

Angus handed Duncan a large woolen cloth with which to dry, then held his clothes for him. “We’ll never know. I think you’ll have to decide on your own what’s more important to you. I pray you make the right decision.”

Duncan slipped his shirt over his head and breathed a painful sigh. “Dear God, Angus. I wish I’d been here to help Father. I wish I had na been so far away that I could na keep him safe.”

“We all wish that, lad. I most of all. I had been at your father’s side since I was
na more than your age, and never had I allowed anything to happen to him. It was his decision that I go with you when you went to fight the English because he could na abide the thought of anything happening to you. If I had been here…”

“If you had been here, friend, you would be lying in the ground near your laird. I am glad you were with me.”

Duncan stumbled over the emotion in his voice and finished dressing, then walked back across the courtyard.

“Have you noticed the lass Regan standing by the stable?” Angus asked as they neared the kitchens. “She’s been waiting in the same spot all morning and her eyes have
na strayed far from where you are. From the way she’s biting at the nails on her fingers I would guess there’s something important on her mind. She’s been waiting for the right time to speak with you.”

A frown covered Duncan’s face as he watched Regan pace back and forth then stop to chew her nails and begin her pacing again. Such obvious agitation was uncharacteristic for Regan.

Duncan placed the knife he wore at his side back into its sheath and walked to where she stood. Since the day he’d removed her from the keep, Regan had gone away to lick her wounds like a dangerous animal. Something important had brought her back into the open. He knew from past experience it would be best if he didn’t wait much longer to discover what it was.

“Are you waiting to speak to me, Regan?”

The look in her eyes when she turned to face him was different than the confident stare he was used to seeing. A slight frown covered her forehead and her pursed lips bespoke a hesitancy that was uncommon in her.

“Aye. I need to speak with you.”

Regan kicked her foot into the dirt and moved the dust that swirled around her slipper. She took a step toward the keep and Duncan walked with her. “Do you remember when we were young, Duncan? You used to race through the glade with Malcolm and Gregor and Balfour beside you, pretending you were the Scots and Brenna and Elissa and I were the English. You would take our strongholds and slay us with your long wooden swords, and announce that you had taken all our land and our riches for Scotland.”

A warm smile curved his lips upward as he remembered how carefree life was when they were young. “I remember that
Elissa was the only good Englishman of the three of you. She was the only one who knew how to die like a proper warrior so we noble Scots could do justice to our exuberant celebration after we’d stormed your castles and slain you.”

“I know. You were so ferocious and brave. I knew then that I loved you and wanted to marry you.”

Duncan stopped in the middle of the courtyard and turned Regan to face him. “Regan, cease.” His voice was a soft whisper. “Do na talk about this again. I am na free and well you know it.”

Regan brought her middle finger to her mouth and bit down on her nail. Her fingers trembled and Duncan felt the first slight twinge of unease. “You have
na chewed your nails since we were small and our fathers caught us stealing meat pies from the kitchen. Your father said he could always tell when your conscience bothered you because you bit at your nails.”

Regan laughed and took her finger out of her mouth and clenched her fists at her side. “
Mayhaps I do have a conscience after all, and it has come out again to torment me.”

Duncan’s heart beat a little faster and he readied himself for the unknown. “What have you done, Regan?”

“I have been thinking of your wife.” Regan fisted her hands in the folds of her skirt and twisted the material.

“What about my wife?”

“Do you remember the night she did na return after she’d gone to the chapel? You found her locked in the small room behind the altar in the dark.”

Duncan remembered how terrified Kate had been and how she had clung to him when he’d carried her out.

“Your words and the look in your eyes told me you thought I had closed her in that room, but it was na me, Duncan. It was Morgana.”

“I owe you an apology. I did think it was you.”

“You do na owe me anything. Even though I did na lock your English wife in the dark, I watched while Morgana hit her on the head and dragged her body behind the altar and into the small room.”

“And you left her there?”

“Aye. I left her there. I knew Morgana had na hit her hard enough to kill her, and that you would find her when you went to the chapel for your midnight prayers. I did na see anything wrong in letting her sit in the dark for a while. Until I saw the fear in her eyes when you found her.”

Duncan looked into Regan’s eyes and he could see the regret harbored there. “I did
na know your English wife was so afraid of small places. I did na know or I would have let her out. It’s important that you believe that I would have.”

Duncan nodded. “I did
na think so at the time, Regan, but perhaps you would have.” He looked at the worry lines still on Regan’s face and knew this was not all she needed to tell him. “Is there more?”

“I need to ask you a question and I need your answer to be the truth.”

“It will be. I have never lied to you, have I?”

“Nay. You have never lied to me, even when I prayed you would. Even when I prayed you would say you loved me, knowing the words would not have been the truth.”

Duncan clasped his hands behind his back and stood tall. “I could na say them.”

“Did you freely take the English as your bride?”

“Aye. I took her freely.”

“Why? Because she possessed the crown and was betrothed to Bolton?”

“Nay, Regan. I took her
even though
she was betrothed to Bolton. I wanted her for my bride
even though
she was English.”

The color drained from Regan’s face and Duncan felt another pang of concern rush to every part of his body. “Is this what you wanted to know?”

“Nay, Duncan.” Regan stepped close to him and looked into his eyes. “Do na lie to me now, laird. If your wife were to leave you, how long would it take for you to forget her?”

Duncan’s breath caught in his throat. Kate leave him? He could not imagine losing her. She was too important to him.

“How long, Duncan?”

Duncan took a deep breath. “A thousand lifetimes and more. I could never forget my English wife. I have made a place for her here.” Duncan held his hand to the spot where his heart pounded even louder than before.

The color drained from Regan’s cheeks and the tiny flicker of hope in her eyes faded. “She’s my wife, Regan. I will never want another.”

“She does
na think you care for her. She’s certain if she leaves, it will na take you long to take someone else to your bed.”

“How do you know this?”

“She told me. She told me all this when she asked for my help so she could leave you.”

“Leave me?”

Regan nodded. “She’s gone someplace where you can never find her.”

The air left Duncan’s chest. “Where has she gone?”

“I do na know.”

Duncan grabbed Regan by the shoulders and shook her.
“Where?”

“I do
na know. She left early this morning. I was to have a horse tied to a tree near the stream where the rocks end. She said she would find her way to it after you left your chamber this morning.”

Duncan pushed her away from him and ran across the bailey, shouting orders for his men to saddle their horses and follow him.

“She does na think it will matter to you if she never comes back,” Regan hollered, running after him. Her words stabbed him in the heart.

Of course she would not think he cared. Why would she? He knew she’d needed him to hold her and comfort her last night, but he could not come to her.

Duncan threw his saddle on his horse’s back and rode across the drawbridge. Men gathered from every direction to catch up with him. By the time he had crested the steep hill that led to the rocks beside the stream, Malcolm was on his right and Angus on his left. They both knew without being told what had happened.

He rode after Kate as if the demons of hell chased him. He could not believe he hadn’t seen this coming. He should have known it when Bolton issued his threat to return for the crown in three days. The ultimatum put Kate at a much greater risk than him.

He could not believe he hadn’t realized she would be so desperate to get the crown that she would let nothing stop her until she found a way to get away from him. He could not believe he hadn’t figured out she was looking for the secret passageway when he found her in his parents’ chamber.

He could not believe she would leave him.

What a fool he had been.

Duncan pushed his horse up the steep hill that would take him to the place in the rocks where the door to the secret passageway was hidden. He hadn’t forgotten the tunnel was there, he’d just assumed his wife hadn’t found it.

Malcolm and Angus and a small army of Fergusons rode at his side and when they reached the stream they found the place where the horse had been tethered. They followed the tracks into the stream then back out when it climbed the bank and headed for Kilgern Castle.

Duncan spurred his horse on faster. He had to get to her before she crossed onto
MacIntyre land and reached Ian. If she demanded sanctuary there would be little he could do to get her back. She and the crown would both be lost to him.

A fear unlike any he’d ever felt washed over him. He could not lose the crown.

He could not lose Kate.

Katherine heard them coming long before she saw them. The ground thundered beneath her, and even the branches on the trees seemed to quiver in fear. If Duncan caught her, there would be no hope. No hope for him, or for his Scots, or for her soul.

She pushed her gray mare to go faster and closed the gap between
Kilgern Castle and the sanctuary Ian MacIntyre could offer her. Her throat tightened until she couldn’t swallow and the fire in her chest burned with each gasping breath.

She lowered her head and tightened her trembling grip on the thin reins, repeating her prayer that God would not make leaving Duncan so hard. That He would not make it hurt more than it already did.

The sounds grew louder and she knew Duncan and his warriors had gained ground. If she turned around, she would be able to see them. She would be able to see the anger on her Scot’s face, and the fury in his eyes.

From up ahead, another low rumble thundered in the air and a cloud of dust rose and swirled before her. She blinked her eyes and prayed she would see the
MacIntyre tartan.

Dear God. Please let me reach Ian in time.

MacIntyre warriors were before her and Duncan with his Fergusons behind her. Her heart pounded in her breast, suffocating her as she gasped for air. Dust blurred her vision, making it impossible to focus. The tears in her eyes only made it worse. She couldn’t think. All reasoning was gone. Panic clouded her mind with such intensity that she could not pull together two rational thoughts.

She dug her heels into the gray mare’s side and rode harder toward the
MacIntyre warriors. Ian was in the lead. She had to reach him. She had to ask for sanctuary. God help her. She had to ask for protection from Duncan.

Pounding hooves thundered louder from behind. Duncan was closer. So was Ian. Her brother-in-law was close enough that she could see the worry on his face and the concern in his eyes. When he was almost beside her, Katherine pulled on the reins and brought her mare to a halt.

“Ian—” Her mouth was so dry the words did not want to come out and she tried again. “Ian, I need—” Katherine swallowed hard and tried to form the words through her gasping breaths. “I need—”

“Dear God, Kate! Nay!” The desperation in Duncan’s voice was strained with anger. His desolation whipped around her body and covered her in a spiraling cloak of doom.

Katherine turned to face her husband. There was a wild look in his eyes she didn’t want to face.

“Do
na ask Ian for sanctuary. Please, Kate. Not that.”

For a long time no one moved. The wind did not whistle through the grass in the meadow. The birds did not sing in the bushes. The branches did not move on the trees. Only the heaving gusts of the winded horses dared to intrude on the quiet of the Scottish hillside. Nothing had life until Katherine spoke.

“I cannot give you the crown, Duncan. Promise you will not take it from me.”

Duncan took a deep breath before he answered. The
muscles in his jaw tightened and Katherine could see his struggle. “I will na take it from you. I will wait for you to give it to me. I promise.”

Katherine closed her eyes and bowed her head. He still didn’t understand. He still hoped for something that could never be.

For a span of time that stretched beyond eternity, Katherine stared into Duncan’s eyes, praying that God would tell her what to do. It had taken every ounce of willpower to leave him this time. If she went back now, she didn’t know how she would ever find the courage to leave him again.

As if he could see the chaos that raged within her, Duncan nudged his horse forward until he was so close she could feel the heat of his flesh against her. Her breath shuddered as it escaped her lungs. Duncan raised his arm and stretched his hand toward her.

Katherine stared at his open palm and bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. She wanted to reach out to him. She wanted to be held by him and feel his flesh against her flesh. She wanted to feel safe.

“Take my hand, Kate. Take my hand and let me be the one to give you sanctuary.” He stared at her and his gaze did not waver. “I want to honor the vow I took before God to be your husband, to protect you.”

Katherine lowered her head and closed her eyes. She had failed. She wasn’t strong enough to turn away from him. She wasn’t brave enough to live her life without him.

Ian cleared his throat, then interrupted the uncomfortable stalemate. “Come with me, Katherine. We will all ride to
Kilgern and sort this out before you make a decision. I left Elizabeth pacing the floors, waiting to hear why you had crossed onto MacIntyre land without an escort.”

Katherine looked at Ian as she struggled to find the courage to ask for sanctuary.

“Elizabeth is worried about you, Katherine,” Ian said, almost as a plea. “She has missed you and will be glad to see you again.”

Katherine shuddered a sigh then nodded. The courage was not within her.

“Kate?”

Katherine turned her head and studied the hooded expression on Duncan’s face, then followed his gaze. His arm was still outstretched, waiting for her to place her hand and her trust in his palm. “Take my hand, Kate.”

Katherine hesitated, then placed her hand in his palm. The feel of his skin was callused and hard and possessive. But when he wrapped his fingers around her flesh, a warm rush of unexplainable calm traveled to every part of her body.

“You have only put off the inevitable, Duncan, and made what we both must do more difficult.”

“Nay, lass. I did what I had to do to save us.”

“And again I was not brave enough to challenge you. If my father were here I would see disappointment on his face.

“And what do you see when you look at my face?”

“Satisfaction.”

“That is na satisfaction you see, wife. It’s something far more.”

Duncan gave her fingers a gentle squeeze then took his hand away from her and a cold void consumed her flesh.

“Come, Kate. Time is almost gone. We must get the crown and return to Lochmore yet today. I do na trust Bolton. He still has na crawled back to England.”

Duncan nudged his horse forward and Katherine’s mare followed. Ian rode on her other side and Angus and Malcolm and the other Ferguson warriors behind.

“Is Bolton close?” Ian asked after giving orders for his clansmen to ride ahead and tell his wife her sister was safe.

“Aye. He sent a messenger yesterday demanding that I give him the crown and his betrothed.”

Ian turned to face Duncan and Katherine caught the look on his face. “He does na know you have married Katherine?”

“Nay. He thinks I took her hostage.”

Ian said no more, but Katherine knew his thoughts. They were the same as Duncan’s. The same as her own. If Bolton found out Duncan had taken her as his wife, his English warriors would rain down on them and show no mercy. Duncan had ruined the woman betrothed to him, the woman who would gain him influence with the king. Bolton would want revenge.

“Is the crown at
Kilgern, Kate?” Duncan’s voice echoed harsh in the chilled winter air.

Katherine swallowed past the lump in her throat then nodded. “Yes.”

“I will give you time to see your sister, then we will get the crown and return to Lochmore.”

Katherine shot Duncan a questioning glance. This was all moving so fast. How could she protect the crown if he went with her? If he was there when she…

“I will na take the crown from you. I gave my word.”

It was almost as if he had read her thoughts. Almost as if
he knew her fears as well as she did. Almost as if he realized keeping the crown was all that was important to her. As if he didn’t have to push her. Yet.

She turned her gaze forward and tightened her grip on the reins as they neared
Kilgern Castle. They rode across the drawbridge in silence and before they reached the steps leading into the keep, the door opened and Elizabeth ran out. She paused for only a second, then raced down the stairs to greet her sister.

Katherine dismounted and ran into her sister’s arms before Duncan had time to reach her side.

“Are you all right, Katherine? What has happened that you were riding here without an escort? Why did you leave your laird’s side when you knew Bolton could be out there waiting for you?”

“Oh, Elizabeth. I’ve missed you. You don’t know how much I have missed your needless worrying and your many questions. It’s good to see you.” Katherine pulled her sister into her arms again and hugged her tight. She really had missed her. She’d missed being needed. She’d missed feeling wanted.

Duncan didn’t need her. He needed nothing except the crown. He didn’t want her. He wanted what she could not give him. And yet she loved him. She loved him more than life itself, and would sacrifice anything for him. Anything except her soul and the crown.

Elizabeth grabbed Katherine’s arm and moved with her toward the keep. “Come inside, Duncan,” she said over her shoulders. “You and your men must be tired and hungry. There is food prepared for all. We will eat while we talk.”

Duncan followed them into the keep. “We do na have much time, milady. Kate and I return return shortly.”

“And I will go with them, Elizabeth,” Ian said.

Elizabeth stopped and faced her husband. “Then I will go with you.”

“Nay, wife. You will stay here where I know you will be safe.”

“You have already left me alone enough to last a lifetime, Ian. I swore when you came back I would never let you leave without me again. You can say nothing to change my mind.”

“The English—”

“It will do you no good to argue, Ian,” Elizabeth said, walking ahead of him into the great hall. “If you leave here, I will only follow. English or no.”

Ian laughed, took two large steps to catch up with her and put his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “I guess you will be just as safe at my side as you will be alone.”

“I will be safer, as well you know.”

Elizabeth showed Katherine and Duncan to seats at the long trestle tables. Servants brought huge trenchers of roasted meats and breads and cheeses, and set them before them. Katherine put very little on her dish, and twice she caught Duncan staring at her untouched food, then pushing the platter closer to her as a hint that she eat.

“You are as pale as that white gown your sister wears, Kate. We have a long ride back yet today and if you do na eat you will be ill.”

“Eat, milady,” Angus said from across the table. “It’s important that you do
na go without food. You know you must have your nourishment.”

Katherine dropped the hand that hugged her stomach and lifted her head to met her friend’s warm gaze. He had come to know her too well.

“When we return to Lochmore, I will fix you a potion to help settle you,” Angus said and gave her a nod that said he knew what she had told no one.

Katherine picked up a piece of warm bread and put it into her mouth. She would eat. It was important that she have nourishment and Angus knew why.

…

Duncan watched his wife pick at her food and was thankful Angus’ words had affected her. The old man had a special way with Kate, and Duncan was glad she had listened to him. She needed to eat. From the pale look on her face she also needed to rest but they couldn’t spare the time. Bolton could be waging war on
Lochmore even now.

“It’s time, Kate. We must get the crown and go, or we will
na reach home before nightfall.”

Her fist clenched in her lap and the stark look in her eyes worried him. He wanted to hold her, but he could not weaken. Too much was at stake. His wife’s safety. His father’s reputation. Scotland’s honor.

Ian took Elizabeth’s hand and helped her from the table. “We’ll be ready when you are, Duncan. I would first like to bid farewell to my son.”

“We will
na be long, Ian.”

Ian and Elizabeth left the great hall together and Duncan stood to urge Kate to do the same. Angus and Malcolm and the rest of the warriors had already finished and were
readying their horses for the ride back.

“Come, Kate.” Duncan held out his hand to her.

Kate stood without his help, her shoulders high and her back straight. She walked the length of the great hall and turned toward the stairs. Duncan could see the muscles tighten in her body with each determined footstep she took, and when she reached the arched doorway, she climbed the steps that would take them to the second level.

Duncan thought she would stop at the room that had been hers when she had pretended to be her sister but she walked on until she reached the open chapel door. Her steps faltered and when she stumbled, he reached out for her. She put out her hand and braced herself against the wall, ignoring his touch, then walked into the small room and headed for the kneeling bench before the altar.

“Kate, we do na have much time for prayer. We have to start back soon.”

“We will, Duncan. Kneel with me this last time.”

“Do na say this last time, Kate. Nothing we do now is for the last time and I will na have you think it. Somehow we will work this out between us. Somehow we will find a way.”