Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (30 page)

Folding the letter and shoving it in my pocket, I walked downstairs to find her. I wasn’t going to let my past and my insecurities mess this up for us. We’d only been together for two bloody days, and Max was coming between us already!

He wasn’t going to win.

“Holly?” I called at the bottom of the stairs.

“In the kitchen,” she replied. She sounded nervous, knowing I’d read the letter.

Holly and her mum sat around the kitchen table. Sylvie was giving Sophia Holly’s expressed milk from a bottle – something she’d finally agreed to do so I could help with the night feeds.

“How’s my girl?” I asked, brushing the back of my fingers over her baby-soft hair.

“Hungry. But we’re fixing that now, aren’t we, sweet girl,” she said to Sophia.

Holly gnawed at her lip, tapping the table. She was nervous, and I didn’t want to make her suffer any longer.

“Sylvie, do you think you could look after Soph while Holly and I go for a drive?”

She nodded and her smile gave her away, she knew about the letter and Holly’s feelings.

“Yes, of course.”

I let Holly walk out first after she’d kissed Soph, and she kept her eyes on the floor, avoiding me. I took one last look at Sophia necking her bottle and followed. I would do anything for them both, including facing my biggest fear.

Holly slung her coat on and left the house, not bothering to wait. She was nervous. I knew she found it hard to express herself or say what she wanted, so I didn’t mind that I was being ignored and would have to start the conversation.

“Where to?” I asked as I got in and switched the ignition on.

She shrugged, clicking her seatbelt in.

“Okay, maybe just McDonalds drive-thru for a coffee? I’d quite like to stay in the car for privacy.” And we both needed caffeine for this talk.

“Sounds good,” she replied, finally looking over at me.

I pulled out of her parents’ drive.

“Your letter gutted me,” I said.

She visibly shrank in the seat.

“Sorry,” she whispered.

“No, don’t be sorry, I want you to be honest. I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”

We quickly fell silent. I wanted to give her time to think everything through, even though I wanted to have it out now. Holly was the type to close up if she was pushed. Pulling up at the drive-thru, I placed our order and wiped my hands on my jeans. The silence was killing me. I wanted it sorted out now so we could move on, but she bottled things away, fearing confrontation.

I paid for the coffees and handed them to Holly while I parked the car.

“You’re too quiet,” I said as I turned the engine off and turned to her.

“Sorry,” she replied.

I sipped my coffee as the silence stretched out again.

“Holly, you’re an incredible mum. Sophia is lucky to have you. I’ve never thought that you can’t cope, or you can’t protect her. I trust you one hundred per cent to do what’s best for her.”

“Then why are you so hostile to my family and friends?”

“Because I don’t know them.”

“I do.”

“Yeah, but you can never know someone completely.”

“You don’t know me completely, but you trust me with her, right?” She raised her eyebrows, challenging me to say no.

“Of course I do. Look, I can’t help who I trust and who I don’t. It’s not easy for me to trust anyone, and I’m sorry, but if I’m not comfortable with someone around my daughter I’m not leaving them with her.”

“Jasper, we were in the same room, and you still looked like you wanted to kill them all.”

“They were holding her.” That was enough. When someone had her that I didn’t know, all I could see in my head was her silently crying.

“In front of us!”

Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair. I couldn’t make her understand, not properly, but I was sure I knew someone that could help.

“We’re going to see Carol,” I said. “We need to sort this properly, or we’re gonna screw this up before it’s properly begun.”

Her eyes softened. “Okay. I want this to work.”

“Good. Me too.”

“I should be more understanding.”

I shrugged.

“I think we both should but it’s hard to understand where each other is coming from sometimes, especially with something as big as this. It’s about our daughter’s safety.”

“Tell me it’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I’ve wanted this for months and I’m afraid of losing it.”

Leaning over, I kissed her soft lips.

“It’s going to be okay. I told you I’m not letting you go, and I meant it. I’d just like to avoid you hating me if we carry on like this. Don’t give up on us.”

She shook her head. “I won’t.”

Carol was good; she got me talking and realising shit that I never thought was there. I believed that she could help us both understand each other more. Neither I nor Holly were willing to give up, so we’d make it work, whatever it took.

Chapter Thirty-eight

Jasper

Holly looked like me when it was my first time in here. She sat stiffly on the sofa, visibly wanting to be anywhere else. It wasn’t exactly my favourite place to be either, but I’d had to admit I was wrong, and therapy worked.

“I appreciate you coming today, Holly, and congratulations to you both,” Carol said.

“Thank you,” Holly and I replied at he same time.

“How is parenthood treating you both?”

“Good,” Holly said. “Sophia is such a good baby.”

For now.

Carol nodded. “Is she with family?”

“Yes, with Jasper’s mum.”

“It’s always good when you have plenty of willing volunteers to watch them for you.”

I flinched. No, it wasn’t.

“Jasper?” Carol said. “Why don’t you start?”

“Fine. Me and Holly have been talking about my fears about Sophia. And Max.”

“You were toying with the idea of visiting him. Have you made a decision yet?”

“Yeah, I’m going to do it. I just don’t know if it’ll help and if it doesn’t…”

She smiled. “Then you don’t know if the worry will ever ease?”

“Pretty much.”

“What do you think, Holly?”

Holly hated being put on the spot.

“Um, I don’t know really. I want things to be easier for Jasper, but I’m worried that visiting his dad will make it worse.”

Carol nodded. “How does Jasper’s anxiety affect you?”

I looked at Holly. That I didn’t know. She played with the ends of her sleeves.

“It makes me uncomfortable when he’s hovering around my family. Don’t get me wrong, I understand, but they’re my family, and I don’t want them to feel like we don’t trust them with our daughter.”

“I think that’s the issue here, Holly, Jasper doesn’t. It’s nothing personal, and he’s not questioning your judgement, but trust for Jasper is hard to gain and easy to lose.”

That about summed it up. Carol was worth every penny I paid her. I could count on one hand the amount of people I trusted completely with Sophia.

“I don’t know what I can do to convince him they can be trusted, and I sometimes do feel like he doesn’t trust me to keep her safe.”

“Don’t think that, Holly.” Shit I hated that she felt like that. “You’re an amazing mum and I know you’d never let anyone near her you weren’t sure about, but we were once sure about Max.”

“See and that’s what makes me feel like you don’t trust me,” she said. “You’re basically saying I don’t know my family.”

“No, I’m saying we don’t really know anyone.”

She shook her head; lips pursed, looking pissed at me.

“I know my family.”

“Okay,” Carol said, putting an end to our discussion before it turned into an argument.

I got where Holly was coming from, but she hadn’t been on the other end of it when you found out someone you thought was your hero was really a monster.

“Until Jasper has worked through his anxiety we need to find a way of getting you both to understand where the other one is coming from. Jasper, you trust Holly.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Then do you think you could go out while she has someone over to see Sophia?”

I gulped. Holly was petite and had not long given birth. Would she be able to protect Sophia? And herself?

“Jasper,” Holly whispered. The tone in her voice froze me on the spot. Tears welled in her eyes.

“I trust you,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I worry about you too.”

“I’m a big girl and if anyone tried to hurt my daughter I’d kill them. I may not be particularly strong, but you find the strength for that. No one is going to hurt her. Not ever.”

I heard the words, and I knew she’d protect her, but I couldn’t help thinking I should be there to be certain nothing happened to either of them.

“I know. I get it, Holly, I really do, but I can’t help how I feel. We’re just going round in circles.”

“What do you think will help you achieve closure?” Carol asked.

“Oakley thinks going to see him will.” It kept coming back to Max.

She nodded. “Do you think that?”

“I’m leaning more towards yes. I’ll give just about anything a go to not feel so scared and helpless or have Holly think I don’t trust her. I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with seeing him.”

“And that’s why you’re here?”

“That and I want me and Holly to be able to talk about it without arguing. I hate arguing with her.”

“I hate arguing with you too,” she replied, squeezing my hand.

“What are you most scared of happening if you visited him? Your anger getting the better of you?”

I gulped. “No, I’m most scared of remembering who he was before.”

Carol left the words to hang in the air. Holly froze.

“That would be perfectly normal if you did,” Carol said. “You could remember plenty of good things right now if you allowed yourself to.”

“Well I won’t.”

She nodded. “I know. That’s fine too; some people are capable of forgetting and not having it interfere with their lives. When it eats away at you and affects your life though, that’s the time to face it.”

“You may as well have just said ‘Jasper, face it’,” I replied.

“Do you believe it affects your life?”

I diverted my eyes, looking at the back of the sofa beside her shoulder.

“Yes,” I admitted. “But I don’t want it to.”

“And you don’t want anyone to know it does,” Holly said and covered my hand with her own.

“I don’t want other people having to deal with my problems.”

Carol nodded again.

“We’re talking about your mum and Oakley. Jasper, I can tell you that Oakley is doing very well and from what she tells me your mother is too. Now it’s time to focus on you. They
want
to offer you the same support. You’re not putting anything on them, but taking it off.”

I frowned. That was a crock of shit. How could telling them help them?

“You don’t believe me,” she said. “Do you know Oakley’s main concern now? The thing that we go over the most?”

When I didn’t reply she said, “You, Jasper. She worries about you.”

“I don’t want them to worry about me, and I don’t want to be a mess every time I’m away from Sophia. Tell me what I have to do.”

“We’ll start by talking,” she said. “About everything you’re comfortable with.”

“I’ll wait outside,” Holly said, squeezing my hand before she let go.

“You don’t have to.” The thought of losing Holly before I even properly had her was terrifying. If hearing my deepest, darkest fears would make her understand me and not give up, then I’d go with it.

She seemed to realise my fear and kissed my cheek.

“It’s okay. I’ll be right outside. I’m not going anywhere, Jasper.”

I watched her leave, a little overwhelmed that she could make me love her more and more when I hadn’t wanted to love anyone ever again.

“You’re happy with Holly,” Carol said, gaining my attention.

“Yeah. I didn’t think that’d happen again, especially not so soon.”

“Ah, it usually happens when you least expect it. So, where do you want to start?”

“The day Max was arrested,” I replied, and she nodded. “At first I was certain they’d got it wrong. I would have put any money on it being a mistake. I kept going over it;
there must be another Max Farrell
. The second Oakley said ‘It is true’ my whole world collapsed. Ever since then, I see Oakley as a little girl, in distress, everywhere. I dream about it all the time.”

Carol’s looks at me intently. “Oh? You’ve not mentioned this before.”

“No one knows.”

“You say you see her?”

“Not like an imaginary friend, I’m not four, but I picture her aged five, in a long pink nightdress, clutching her teddy and crying. Tears are rolling down her face, but she never makes a sound. Then I saw Everleigh like that too. And now…”

“You see Sophia.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Yeah.”

“What about the dreams?”

“Always the same,” I said. “Always Oakley as a kid again, silently screaming my name. I’ve wondered too many times if she did that when Frank…”

Carol nodded, letting me know she got it because, Christ, I could not finish that sentence.

“I need it to stop,” I said, inwardly wincing at the desperation in my voice.

“We’ll work on that.”

“How?”

“The same way Oakley ended her nightmares.”

I gave a quick nod. “Facing it. Right.”
Man up and fucking do it.

“I don’t hate the man I thought he was.”

It was out in the open, and I hated myself more than I ever had before.

Carol smiled reassuringly. “Of course not. He was your dad, and you loved him. I understand that your feelings for him now have changed– “

“That’s putting it fucking lightly.”

“–but you should never feel bad about remembering affection for someone who was once everything to you.”

Her words were like the light bulb effect.

“Remembered affection,” I said. “Shit, that’s it. This whole time I’ve been hating him more because I thought a part of me still cared or something fucked up like that. I hate the bastard; I really do, but I remember loving him. Still, it doesn’t help me understand.”