Pride Over Pity (16 page)

Isaac and Javi are my source of love and compassion. Unseen on television, Javi’s family have been my rock. They have been so supportive. They warmly welcomed Isaac and me into their fold and treat us like their own. It’s nice to have people to rely on if need be. I felt myself opening up and really trusting them, unlike the relationship I had with Jo’s family.

Before you boo or hiss me, I am eternally grateful for every expense Jo’s parents made for Isaac and me. They were so understanding and helpful during one of the toughest points in my life. They provided a roof over my head and supported me financially in so many ways. I could never express my thanks enough. If it wasn’t for them, I know I wouldn’t have been able to lift myself up from the ground to work my way up to where I am now. My gratitude can’t be expressed.

The major issue I always had with Jo’s family was the fact that our relationship felt to me like a family project. Our arguments always seemed to be a communal experience. Sometimes I felt like Jo’s parents acted as barriers and referees to our fights. I know that they were just trying to protect us, but fights are frustrating enough for two people. Throw in a few more and there are just more mouths yelling.

With Javi’s family it has been the opposite. They stand by us through thick and thin, but they won’t take sides or involve themselves in our fights. They know there are boundaries and they try to give us a healthy space to work out our issues on our own. They don’t try to push their values and feelings onto the situation, whatever it may be. Finally, my greatest desire—to be loved unconditionally—has been met with Javi and Isaac.

Chapter 20

Psycho Bitch

Everything about me has been fair game for public scrutiny these past few years—my atheism, my sexuality, my motherhood, and all of my relationships. Why not bring my mental health into the public realm, too? The intrusion could have resulted in a cosmic meltdown on my part. However, I didn’t explode or find myself in a predicament I couldn’t figure a way out of. Instead, I confronted the major asteroids in my own galaxy by accepting my disorder and taking care of it.

My temper has risen out of the ashes on many occasions. Whenever someone provoked me, and even sometimes for no reason at all, my emotional response was instinctively anger. I’d lash out quickly and then cry. These sudden emotional strikes terrified me. My temper was an obvious trigger to relationship problems. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship. I just needed to learn not to react so emotionally. With my diagnosis, I finally had answers. It has helped me to understand the source of my violent mood swings. My temper had tainted relationships, yet I always just left it at that. I never knew my reactions added up to something as serious as bipolar disorder. I confronted it by seeking counseling, and taking the medications I need.

Unfortunately, just like all of my other personal problems, this one found its way into the gossip sites. I didn’t want this to be talked about. I felt like it should be respected as something private. Do you watch people go to the bathroom or take a shower? No? Well, how is this any different? The only way anyone should know is if they snooped around in my medicine cabinet, but unfortunately it was partially my fault that my disorder became public knowledge. Someone on Twitter had been relentlessly bothering me about my mood swings and I made the mistake of responding to their badgering. It was easily figured out from there that my mood swings were symptoms of a larger problem.

I consider myself to be pretty open to the public. I just wanted this one break. I was only starting to understand my disorder and now I had others jumping down my throat online. The name-calling started. Thanks to the magic of social media, I had people calling me bipolar even before I was diagnosed. Yeah, I have some anger issues and crazy mood swings. I’m not crazy, though. Bipolar doesn’t mean you’re an insane person who talks to themselves and hides in the garbage. It sucks so hard that there are so many negative connotations attached to the disorder. I’m not a danger to you or to myself. I just wish the term “bipolar” wasn’t so casually thrown around.

Unfortunately, I’ve opened myself up to criticism concerning my anger problems and even those issues concerning Jo. Although I prefer to keep my therapy sessions private, like everyone else, I did decide to let cameras come into a session Jo and I had together for co-parenting one time. This decision was purely based on the hope that by viewing us going through counseling it might help others to resolve their own conflicts in a healthy way. I have no regrets that I allowed viewers to see something real.

The problem for me is the way I’ve been depicted by others. Ugly and crazy are words people seem to like to associate with me. Having so many people tell you something about yourself can make you sort of believe it for a split second. As I dealt with being bipolar and going through therapy sessions, I had to also make sure negative public opinion didn’t impact the way I perceived myself. These harsh ideas about the way I looked and acted had always floated in my head, but they really sprung to the forefront as others commented on them. I heard the grimy words of criticism as if they were the truth.

It’s frustrating how a few moments on television can define who you are to the world. Many people have said I come off cold-hearted, crazy, psycho, bitchy, selfish—the list could take up a whole chapter. To that crowd, I am fictional. I might come off as a cold bitch but that’s a classic defense mechanism for those who have been through traumatic experiences. I’m tough because I have to be. That doesn’t make me crazy or a bitch. It is very strange how I went from being myself to becoming a character on television. That person sometime seems as unreal to me as Harry Potter.

I guess that’s television, though. It’s segmented and two-dimensional. What can you expect? For better or worse, MTV has documented my journey of growth. These snippets have created an indelible image of who I am in the public’s mind.
Teen Mom 2
viewers have either stood by solidly or bashed me relentlessly on my progress as a person. These life stages usually aren’t documented and broadcast on television so excuse me if I’ve made mistakes along my path. I’m not bitter. Despite the dreadful times I’ve dealt with, I’m thankful that, in addition to the negativity and the bad reputation I may have picked up along the way, there has also been a lot of positive feedback.

There are so many people out there who can relate to the way I’ve reacted and handled high-pressure situations. Knowing others feel the same and that I have helped them is very comforting to me and has made the ride worth it. It’s nice to have comments that are not only supportive but also understanding. It helps to reinforce the idea that the hateful comments are not indicative of who I am. It would be easy to say that I don’t care. But I do. Anyone can pretend the hurtful comments don’t faze them, but I won’t.

Watching an episode of
Teen Mom 2
doesn’t mean you know who I am or what I’m going through. Only the girls who are on the show can understand how challenging it is to put yourself and your story out to the world. Being teen mothers alone has turned us into objects of ridicule. Disapproval of us has stemmed from every facet of the media. People throwing in their negative opinions makes my blood boil. They act as if the show begs for criticism of us.
Teen Mom 2
became this huge sensation and I wasn’t prepared for it. It’s pure insanity if you think about it.

Despite how much criticism I’ve received, I’m also incredibly thankful to have had the opportunity to share my story and help others. Four seasons of
Teen Mom 2
have run through a large chunk of my life. Becoming someone recognizable on the street has been a crazy ride. I didn’t do it for fame or money. I can say that a hundred times and it wouldn’t make the statement more legitimate for the non-believers. Being on television has not inflated my ego. It has given me a chance to reflect on my decisions. The experience has been enlightening. It has helped me to strive to learn from my poor choices and make wiser ones in the future.

Season 1 was the beginning of the sensation that the show created. I didn’t expect people to become so invested in the show since the first cast of
Teen Mom
was so heavily adored. I had to get used to the spotlight that was shining more frequently on me. Season 2 was difficult because I was so depressed. Filming was hard because I felt like shit and some viewers were becoming very vocal in their criticism of me. It deflated my spirit when I had to deal with that negativity on top of my own self-criticism.

If I made a bad choice and it was caught on film, I was sure to expect a backlash.
Why did you do that, Kail? Are you stupid? Why are you so crazy?
I didn’t want to start getting so defensive online and answer the monsters. I had to grow tougher skin so I could learn to fight back in a positive way. I couldn’t let the negative outweigh the positive.

Being on
Teen Mom 2
is like having home videos on a major television network. I wasn’t frantically grabbing for a video camera or my phone to capture first moments or a birthday. Of course I documented these moments myself, but I also knew I had professionals doing it. Hopefully, some day when Isaac is older and watches the show he will see my constant, thriving need for pride over pity. He’s already impressed by his cameos, so wait until he comprehends things more. The show is very sentimental and special to me in that sense.

I’m glad I was able to touch people in a positive light. Sometimes the dark side seems to overshadow anything that beams a little brightness, but I try to live in the crevices filled with light. I’ve had a lot of people tell me they’re thinking twice before having sex, waiting to have children, and going back to school. My wrong decisions may not have always played out in my best interest but they’re experiences others can look to. The opportunities I have had along the way to have a positive impact on the world have been amazing. I’ve met influential people who have helped me to become part of something bigger than myself. For example, Jeff Parshley and Adam Bouska founders of the NOH8 Campaign, which promotes same sex marriage equality, have created a special silent protest that I participated in.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been and that’s how I want to be seen. I’ve conquered so much. Sadly, I feel like the Season 4 reunion episode didn’t reflect that. The environment was claustrophobic and stuffy. I was frustrated because I felt pressured to meet Jo’s girlfriend on stage. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and my words and feelings were misunderstood.

I did not want a confrontation. It didn’t need to change because I didn’t care about the relationship. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings so why couldn’t I just be left alone? I was portrayed as a jealous, psycho ex. I felt I had been manipulated and it annoyed me to the point where I had to get up to leave the set for breathing room. Filming reunion shows is stressful and emotional enough. This was too much for me. I didn’t need anyone to play devil’s advocate. I already felt enough pressure from this nonexistent relationship I had with Jo’s girlfriend. There was too much judgment of my feelings and not enough consideration of the source of those emotions. From the outside it appeared I was just jealous of her for no reason. The show didn’t portray her smoking weed or drinking, the way I thought it appeared online. Although Jo denied that she did, that was the reason I held animosity toward her. I just want people to understand that these perceptions of mine were the real reason I had for not liking her or wanting her in Isaac’s life.

Believe me, there were opinions galore swirling around. I understand how easy it is to get so invested in people who appear on reality television shows. That’s why so many opinions were thrown at me regarding the way I treated Jo’s girlfriend or any of my other actions that got people riled up. It was definitely weird to gain all that attention, considering I wasn’t used to any at all. Looking back and taking the experience as a whole, I can’t view it without mentioning the overwhelming attention.

Maybe I was naïve to not realize how things could skyrocket out of control. I didn’t believe I would receive the same sensationalism that some of the other teen mothers had. I thought I would somehow be immune to our culture’s obsession with reality TV. I started picking up on certain usernames online who frequently posted about me claiming to know every little detail. It’s sort of annoying to have all these facts I didn’t even know about myself spilled out from strangers. My favorite color is yellow? No, I believe you might be wrong on that. How do I know? Well, I kind of know Kail.

Even the people who think they know me better than I know myself aren’t as bad as the ones who creep on me in public. I don’t mind if someone wants a picture or wants to say hi. I’m okay with being approached as long as it’s done in a polite manner. It’s really sweet and flattering when I hear I’ve done something that has changed a person’s thought process. I really do enjoy meeting new people but I don’t like to see stalker-like photos of me surfacing on the Internet. There’s a super stealth shot that exists of me chowing down at Applebee’s. (Oh, yeah. Half price appetizers! Who doesn’t get excited for that?) As much as I love discounted food, I don’t want to see a picture of me with a mouthful of potato or something. I’m not a spectacle.

If anything, I’m an example. I’m a bad example.
Kids, don’t be like me!
The reason I’ve owned up to my mistakes so earnestly in public is to teach others a lesson. Don’t follow in my footsteps. I’m not saying I’m some incredible role model. I’m telling you to learn from the hardships others are so willing to give you. There’s nothing easy about being a young mother. We are not financially set at all. MTV didn’t set us up with never ending bank accounts or blank checks. They gave us airtime and, yes, with my paycheck I was able to pay bills and get a leg up, but I’m not a millionaire or even close to it.

I hope my journey through the trials and tribulations of motherhood have been an inspiration to others who may be facing similar problems. Showing the harsh realities on television to viewers was even more difficult in the long run. I hope somewhere along the way I have inspired someone to make better decisions. That’s all I can really ask for.