Reasons Mommy Drinks (16 page)
Read Reasons Mommy Drinks Online
Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans
Splash of ginger ale
Sprig of fresh rosemary
INSTRUCTIONS
Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the Pimms, lemonade, and ginger ale and stir. Garnish with the rosemary from your herb garden. Yes, you have an herb garden now. Invite the neighbors over, slap on an apron, and surrender to your new domestic life.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
One day in biology class you’ll learn that animals are attracted to other animals who display good symmetry (which the brain apparently equates with good genes and the production of healthy offspring). What’s not taught in school is how the story ends: male courts female, they reproduce, and the female is robbed of the very thing that attracted her mate in the first place.
Exhibit A: Mommy’s
rack
. The wonders of uneven milk supply mean sometimes Mommy’s right breast is a glorious double D, while her lowly left could play peek-a-boob under a Hershey’s Kisses wrapper.
Exhibit B: Mommy’s
arms
. From holding you exclusively on one side since you emerged from the womb, Mommy’s left biceps could grace the cover of
MuscleMag
while her right would lose to an Olsen twin in an arm wrestle.
Exhibit C: Mommy’s
insides
. She obviously missed the part in
What to Expect
where it explained that your organs shift during pregnancy and then “more or less” go back to their original pre-pregnancy positions. Probably because she was still recovering from the trauma of reading the chapter titled “Stretch Marks, Spider Veins, and the Mask of Pregnancy.”
Good thing Daddy is attracted to Mommy for more than her looks. Like the sunny disposition that greets him when he comes home from work fifteen minutes late. Oh, wait.
INGREDIENTS
1 ounce vodka
½ ounce cranberry vodka
½ ounce dry vermouth
Fresh strawberry
Peel of lemon
INSTRUCTIONS
Chill a cocktail glass. Combine the vodkas and vermouth in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the glass. Garnish with a strawberry and lemon peel.
NOTE
Best consumed while avoiding mirrors.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
The wonderful thing about spending $22 on a pair of baby chinos is that you outgrow them before you and Mommy even leave the mall. The only thing growing faster than you is the mountain of outgrown Onesies causing a fire hazard in the basement. She can’t give them away in case she has a second, even though
One and Done
is the Dr. Seuss book Mommy is considering ghostwriting. In an effort to pull back on trips to Carter’s, Mommy has been cramming you into clothes that no longer fit, just like Christina Aguilera. At the rate you’re growing, you’ll soon be wearing Daddy’s clothes. (Mommy hopes late-century modern becomes a fashion trend ASAP because Daddy’s closet is the wardrobe that time forgot and includes every striped button-down sold at The Gap in the 1990s.) Your growth spurts are giving you major mood swings and you no longer sleep through the night, but Mommy is happy you’re growing and healthy—plus you look rad in that oversized paisley sweater vest. For the next five minutes.
NOTE
Add vodka.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Mommy can’t believe she’s going to pay a teenager $40 to sit in her living room for three hours (texting her boyfriend and eating Mommy’s cappuccino frozen yogurt directly from the tub) while you lie sleeping in your crib upstairs
the entire time
. But Mommy and Daddy figured that to avoid becoming a statistic, they should spend the occasional Saturday night doing something other than eating take-out Thai food in front of her
Sex and the City
box set, only to doze off before the closing credits. Dressed in her standby LBD and rocking her volumizing mascara, Mommy’s actually feeling pretty hot, until the sitter with Brooklyn Decker legs sprouting from a skirt the size of a Bella Band greets her at the front door. At least Mommy gets to enjoy a fancy dinner at the trendy new Italian eatery across town that the single crew keeps checking into on Facebook. Until she does the mental math on the evening’s expenses and realizes that this mushroom risotto that she could “totally make at home” (just kidding) is costing her $18 per mouthful. Making conversation is challenging when Mommy and Daddy are both sleep deprived and checking their phones every two minutes to make sure you haven’t catapulted out of your crib or started a fire. And downing a bottle of red wine isn’t an option when someone has to drive the babysitter home at the end of the night to avoid blowing another $20 on cab fare. If this is the price tag on a night out, Mommy and Daddy are going to have to crack some serious social whip. No more Jennifer Aniston movies or double dates with B-list couples until your thirteenth birthday.
NOTE
Sometimes it pays to be boring.
