Recovery (10 page)

I I hear the shatter of something as it crashes on the floor in the kitchen. “Blake!” I cry out, squeezing my eyes shut as the pain radiates from my stomach down through my legs. I roll on my side and curl my body as tightly as I can.

The pain. It’s so overwhelming.

Inhaling, I try to replace the air that was just forcefully removed from my lungs, but it doesn’t work. Blake rounds the corner, full speed, and drops to his knees when he reaches my body.

“Alex! Are you alright? What happened?” His voice is trembling as much as his hands; I can feel them shaking when he places one behind my head and the other on the side of my stomach. I open my eyes and look up to see him scanning my entire body for damage. Once they meet mine, the only thing I recognize is pure terror. I shut my eyes again from the agony. “Blake, something’s wrong. I don’t feel ri–”

Before I finish my sentence, my stomach begins to contract and a stabbing pain shoots across my belly. “Blake! Call the ambulance! Please!”

Eyes still closed, I try to breathe through the contraction, or whatever the hell it is that has taken over my insides. I hear him shuffling around and then the sound of him dialing. Tuning him out, I focus on my breathing. I reach my hand forward, looking for my life line, and before my arm is even fully extended, he grabs onto it and squeezes tightly. “I’m here, Alex. I’m right here. Just stay still and try not to move. They’re on their way. Just hold on. I’m here…” he continues, but his voice becomes distant. I try to keep my hold on him, but I’m fighting a losing battle as my eyes shut—this time not from pain.

The next time I wake, I’m unable to open my eyes or move my limbs. I try to call out for Blake, but my mouth won’t move. All I hear is metal clanking and the scurrying of several people all around me. I try to stay awake, but my mind keeps streaming in and out of consciousness. I try to make out what they are saying as I fade in and out…

“…possible placental abruption…”

“…losing too much blood, get a clamp over here...”

“…stabilize the mother, we need to get him out of there…”

“…the baby is under distress…”

I fight to wake up. My eyes won’t open no matter how hard I try. Reaching for Blake, I quickly figure out that my arms won’t work either. I can hear him, though. He’s right next to me.

“Alex,” I can feel his lips quivering against my ear. “Where are you, baby? Open your eyes.” The second the words leave his mouth, my heart shatters. Those words. Those dreaded phrases, the same ones I used before Derek passed, absolutely shatter my heart. I know first-hand the fear and pain that he’s experiencing right now, and there’s not a
goddamn
thing I can do about it.

I fight to stay awake, but it’s no use. The more I struggle, the further his voice is from my ear…

When I come to again, I know I’m in a different place. I still can’t open my eyes or move my body, but there is a stillness...a peace that is a complete contrast to what I just experienced. There’s a presence surrounding me, but I can’t see it. It’s separate from my body, yet it seems to be intertwined with me somehow.

It’s…familiar.

Before long, I hear a calm voice speaking to me from my own mind.

“I’m running out of miracles here, Alex.  I don’t have much time.”

Derek.

His voice is clear enough, but I have to focus to hear it.

“Listen, I need you to be brave. I saved your son, but I can’t save you too. As much as you don’t want to, you have
got
to stop fighting. They’re operating right now, but your body is trying to stop them. If you don’t give into it, the surgeon can’t help you.
I
can’t help you. Your body is rejecting every intervention and there will come a time, soon, when you won’t have enough blood left to stay alive. You have to let go, it’s the only way you’ll survive.”

I can’t, Derek.  I lost you because I let go.

From somewhere deep within my cognizance,
I can still feel Harlow prying my fingers from around his arms.

Derek releases a deep, audible exhale. “No you didn’t, Alex. You have to rid yourself of that guilt. You had no control over what happened. It was just my time. You have to let that go.  Let it all go.”

I can tell he’s trying to hurry but I don’t know what to do.

How do I just let go? I’m scared.

“You need to focus, Alex. Focus on what you love.”

Before long, images of my life come at me from every direction in my mind. With each flash of my memory, I find growing courage.

Rylie, running in the grass, giggling as she turns to me…

Kyndall, with her arms wrapped around my waist, looking up at me and laughing…

Nycole, sitting next to me, with a smile on her face, telling me about her day…

My unborn child, his hiccups inside my stomach making me laugh…

Blake, his green eyes full of love and compassion, giving me courage…

Derek, a hazy form walking towards me as he speaks…

“The love we share knows no bounds, Alex. It’s because of that love that I’m able to watch over you, Blake and the girls, and now your son. I watch because there are some things you
can’t
control. You need to understand and
accept
that. Let yourself
live
your life, because otherwise you’re just wasting precious time.”

Sometimes I hate that you know me so well.

His laughter reverberates around inside my head.

“I’m just telling you something you already know but clearly still need to hear. Alex, I’m here. I will
always
be here, guiding you
exactly
where you need to be. The rest, the unimportant stuff…just let it go. Live your life without fear, and love with no regret. That’s the way it should be. But you have to stop struggling against everything, starting right now.”

All humor disappears from his tone with his last statement and I know he’s serious.
This
is serious.

I know. I will.

“I love you, Alex, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope not to see you again for a very long time.”

I love you, too.

Just like that…he’s gone.

And for the first time since losing Derek, I allow myself to just let go.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I hear a soft tapping, and after taking one last long look at my wife, I head over to answer the door. Reaching my hand for the knob, I’m almost taken out as its thrown wide open by one Harlow Reed. The door ricochets loudly off of my boots, and I find myself wondering why the hell she even bothered knocking at all.
Bull in a goddamn china shop.

I rake my hand through my hair, pulling it slightly out of frustration. “Harlow,
damn it
, she’s sleeping.” Glancing over at Alex to make sure the noise hasn’t disturbed her, I’m overcome with feelings of pure inadequateness. I’m completely incapable of doing anything to help her, and watching the signs of struggle in her features as she sleeps, I find myself wanting to punch through the ugly, plain ass walls that I’ve been staring at since this morning. There’s not a thing in the world that I wouldn’t give to trade places with her. To take away every shred of pain she must be experiencing right now. I can’t even begin to imagine.

Harlow rushes to her side, raising her hand to Alex’s hair, smoothing it with a light touch. Red curly hair stacked in some weird shape on top of her head, wearing a light blue Tarheels sweatshirt and navy track pants, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her dressed so
comfortably.
“How’s she holding up? She looks like shit.”

My defenses automatically kick in. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’d look like shit too if you took a tumble down the stairs, had a baby ripped from your womb, lost gallons of blood, as well as your whole
goddamn
uterus in the process. Give her a
fucking
break.” Irritation spreads throughout my body like a wildfire. My hands are shaking, and I can feel my voice trembling as I speak. This whole fucking situation pisses me off and having Harlow here isn’t helping matters, not in the least.

“
Whoa
, easy there cowboy.” Harlow turns in my direction. As soon as we lock gazes, I recognize the fear filling her green eyes and I let out a deep breath. I guess we’re all a little on edge right now.

“Sorry, I’m just…There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been here all day watching her struggle. She’s been fading in and out since she got out of recovery, and every time she does, I lose her. Over and over. Every. Single. Time.” A lump begins to form in my throat out of pure anger and I try to swallow it down, along with every single horrendous thought in my head right now.

“Blake, you need a break. You’re not doing her any good right now. I’ll stay here with her for a bit. Why don’t you get some air and try to relax as much as you can. I know it’s hard, but you need to.” With Harlow’s hand still placed on Alex’s head, I concede her point. Air would do me some good right now.

“Yeah, I think I will. I need to go home and grab some of the stuff for the baby, anyway.” The thought of Alex excitedly packing the overnight bag in preparation causes the knot in my throat to swell. “She’ll want it here when she wakes up. Plus, I need to talk to the girls. Let them know what’s going on.”

Harlow tilts her head and a small, saddened smile barely presents itself on her face. “I’ve got her. You go. Take care of things at home, make sure the girls are okay, and then head back up here when you’re ready.” Removing her hand from Alex’s long brown hair, she takes several steps until she ends up right in front of me. Hands on her hips, she peers into my eyes. “She’s going to be fine, Blake. Our girl’s a fighter. Trust me. She’ll make it. You just need to get your head in a better place, so when she does wake up, you can be strong for her. She’s going to have a hard time when she finds out she won’t be able to have any more children.” She breaks for a light laugh. “Not that she would have wanted to have anymore, but you know her. She gets pissed when shit is out of her control, and well, losing her uterus…kind of not
her
decision.”

“We had no choice, Harlow. She would’ve bled out if they hadn’t removed it.” Moisture threatening to fall from my eyes, I raise my hands and scrub my face out of pure frustration.

“I know, Blake. She’ll understand eventually. Leaving the girls, leaving you, out of the question for her, but that still doesn’t mean it won’t come as a shock.” Harlow latches her fingers around my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. “Got it?” she adds, arching her brows.

I nod my head. Harlow Reed. One crazy ass chick, but a
damn
good friend.

“Alright, I’m going. Who’s with the girls? Are they at home?” Harlow releases her death grip, affirming with a dip of her head. “Tatum’s with them. We haven’t told them anything, really. They just know she’s here and that you’re here with her. Most likely, they just think she had the baby. It’s up to you how in-depth you want to go into it with them.”

Well, I fought like hell to be a part of their lives; I’m not gonna pussy foot and flake out when it comes to this. It’s my job, as their father figure, to be honest with them. And I plan to be.

No matter how difficult the truths are to tell.