Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman

BOOK: Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman
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Reflections On A
Middle-Aged
Fat Woman

 

by
Gianetta M. Palmer

 

Copyright 2011 Gianetta M. Palmer

 

 

Amazon Kindle Edition License Notes:
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Amazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

 

[email protected]

 

The right of Gianetta M. Palmer to be identified as author of this Work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

 

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval system, copied in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise transmitted without written permission from the publisher. You must not circulate this book in any format.

 

This book is available in print at most online retailers.

 

 

Table Of Contents

 

Whatcha’ Mean, You Don’t Like Collard Greens? — July 13, 2011

Holiday Conversations — December 22, 2008

Holiday Concerts — December 10, 2008

O’Christmas Tree — December 6, 2008

Potty Mouth Of The South — January, 27, 2011

Fire On Cherry Fork Road — November 6, 2008

Don’t Judge Me — November 19, 2008

Picture Retake Day — October 9, 2008

Some Days You Just Need A Laugh — October 1, 2008

Agitated By The Agitator — September 9, 2008

A Trip Of A Lifetime — September 4, 2008

I’m A Techno Failure — September 3, 2008

Activating A Credit Card…Part I — September 1, 2008

Stop, Drop and Roll — March 7, 2011

The Longest Yard Sale — August 10, 2008

I’m Not Loving It — August 4, 2008

One Handed Egg Cracking — August 1, 2008

Paying With Change — July 28, 2008

Shakespeare…A Midsummer’s Night Mare — July 14, 2008

I’m Not Laughing — July 11, 2008

Tater Salad — July 6, 2008

Happy Fourth Of July — July 4, 2008

Rescued By Upper Management — July 2, 2008

Head Colds — January 13, 2010

Skunky Valentines — February 14, 2010

New Signs Of The Apocalypse — February 19, 2010

Sharing A Tailgate — March 19, 2010

Working Out With Ross Perot — April 8, 2010

Creamed Onions — May 11, 2010

Conversations Of The Unemployed — March 10, 2011

In Through There — May 13, 2010

Different Political Views — June 4, 2010

Telemarketer Blues — June 7, 2010

Benefits Of Traveling Alone — March 14, 2011

I No Hard Of Hearing — June 14, 2010

How Do You Eat Ravioli? — June 28, 2010

What I Did For Brown — July 28, 2010

Waiting On The Drano — May 5, 2011

I’ll Make A Donation — September 13, 2010

Snooze, You Lose — September 25, 2010

Mi Costenita — January 23, 2009

And One Senior — January 26, 2009

Age-Related Questions — February 21, 2009

I Thought He’d Be Taller — April 8, 2009

Neck Pimples — May 20, 2009

Wrong Number — May 21, 2009

Anything Goes At Red Lobster — May 23, 2009

Wrong Number…Again — May 30, 2009

Mother, Daughter Conversations — June 22, 2009

Size Matters — June 24, 2009

Fumigating The House — July 9, 2009

What Color Is That? — July 27, 2009

The Friend’s Birthday — August 9, 2009

Car Trouble — August 7, 2009

Senior Day At The Cinema — August 28, 2009

Seens At The Funeral Home — September 9, 2009

Seens From The Salad Bar — September 21, 2009

Another Mother, Daughter Conversation — September 29, 2009

The Wrong Number Always Rings Twice — October 12, 2009

What’d The Wedderman Say? — October 19, 2009

The Best One Liner…Ever — May 13, 2009

The Second Best One Liner…Ever — November 6, 2009

We Thought You Were A Hot Guy — October 23, 2009

Is That For sale? — November 13, 2009

Cleo, Mister And Sissy — November 16, 2009

Are You Paying Attention? — November 18, 2009

Another Holiday Conversation — December 15, 2009

Where Do Boogers Come From? — July 31, 2010

Purple In Polyester — August 3, 2010

Summertime Conversations — August 12, 2010

 

 

For mom

 

 

The following selections are a compilation of the author’s favorite posts from her popular humor website. You can check out more of her stories at
www.middleagedfatwoman.com
.

 

 

Whatcha’ Mean, You Don’t Like Collard Greens? — July 13, 2011

 

During a recent overnight business trip, I was excited to stay in a really fancy hotel that offered room service. It was so late by the time I finished up my tasks for the day that I didn't really want to venture out anywhere so I ordered room service.

The book in my room that told the specifics about the hotel and listed the room service menu seemed to be missing a page or two. Somewhere I read that they offered breakfast as an option but couldn't find any breakfast items listed.

I called the front desk and was transferred to a nice lady that worked in the restaurant. The following is our conversation:

Me: “I'd like to order room service...”

Lady: ”Okay, what'll ya have? What'll ya have?”

Me: ”I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?”

Lady: “Yes, Ma'am. I said what'll ya have, what'll ya have?”

Me: “I'm not sure. Is this room service or have I called the Varsity?”

Lady: ”Oh, you must live around here, don'tcha? I like to say that to the traveling folks. Makes 'em think they is at the Varsity. Since you is from around here, I'll rephrase my question and ask what would you like to have for dinner?”

Me: “I'm not sure. My hotel book only lists options for lunch and late-night dining. It does list a Filet Mignon for $52, but I don't think I'll order that. You got any seafood plates?”

Lady: “Yep, we sure do. We got a fried shrimp, French fries and Cole slaw plate for $16 and it's good, too.”

Me: “Okay, I'll get that.” (It was good.)

I called the front desk in the morning and mentioned that my hotel book was missing a few pages, so when I got back into the room that night I hoped to see what other options might be available. They hadn't provided me with the missing menu so I had to call again without knowing what I wanted.

Lady: “Room service. What'll ya have, what'll ya have?”

Me: “I'd like to order room service, please.”

Lady: “Sure thing. What'll ya have, what'll ya have?”

Me: “I'm not sure. I don't have a complete menu in my room...”

Lady: “Lordy! Is this the same lady from last night?”

Me: “Yep. Sure is.”

Lady: “I told them room cleaners to put you a new book in there, but I guess they didn't. It figures. Well, what'll ya have then, what'll ya in the mood for?”

Me: “You got any fried chicken?”

Lady: “Fried chicken? Honey, this ain't the Big Chicken, but we do have a three-piece platter with smashed taters and a vegetable.”

Me: “Sounds goods. What's the vegetable?”

Lady: “Why, collard greens, of course. That's the only thing that goes good with chicken.”

Me: “Hmm, I don't really like collard greens, you got anything else?”

Lady: “Harrumph! Whatcha' mean, you don't like collard greens? Are ya crazy or somethin'? I thought you said you was from around here?”

Me: “I live up in the mountains, but I'm originally from Ohio.”

Lady: “Oh, I see. You from north of the sweet tea line, (that's my favorite line to describe someone from the north) ain't ya? Well, we ain't got any other vegetables, so I'll send you a double order of taters, okay?”

It worked for me since mashed potatoes are my favorite food. The next day during our lunch break we were standing in line at the small cafeteria in the building where our training was taking place. Listed on the daily lunch special were fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable for only $5.99. "What's the vegetable?" I asked.

You know I already knew the answer to that before the lady answered in a familiar voice. "What'll ya have, what'll ya have? It's my first day on the job here and the vegetable of the day is collard greens. Could you believe someone ordered the fried chicken at the hotel last night and said they didn't like collard greens?"

 

Holiday Conversations — December 22, 2008

 

Since Thanksgiving was so late this year my family and many others, I'm sure, have been playing catch up for the past several weeks. The following is actual dialogue between my family members on various subjects:

MA Fat Woman: "You got your tree yet?”

Mom: "No, it's too early yet.”

MA Fat Woman: "It's December 21, how much later are you going to wait?"

Mom: "It's been raining. I can't very well get a tree in the rain, can I? Besides, I called a guy and he said he would deliver it to me.”

MAFW: "I didn't know that Christmas tree farms delivered?"

Mom: "Listen here young lady! Don't you get smart with me?”

Sister: "What did you get Mom for Christmas?"

MAFW: "Nothing yet. She already has everything she could possibly want or need. What did you get her?"

Brother: "What does Mom want for Christmas?"

Sister: "I don't know. MAFW was supposed to do some hinting around and find out.”

BOOK: Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman
3.48Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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