Read Safe Harbor Online

Authors: Christine Feehan

Tags: #Romance, #Fantasy

Safe Harbor (33 page)

BOOK: Safe Harbor
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"THE natural fog isn't quite this thick and to keep it around the house is dangerous and tiring, but I hate the thought of going in. I feel a little bit trapped and claustrophobic," Hannah said.

After he saw what the house could do, Jonas wanted her in it, safe, where no one could get to her. He ran the pad of his finger down the side of her face, skimming over the slash marks and trailing to her throat, where the cuts were deeper. The attacker had started with light slashes, cutting across her body, back and forth. He had been whispering to her that he was sorry. Maybe he hadn't wanted to destroy her looks. Maybe it had been something altogether different.

Jonas slid his palm down her slender arm, feeling the defensive wounds, remembering how she lifted her hands, a slim protection against the vicious assault. His fingers tangled with hers and he tugged her forward. "The fog is still naturally thick along the beach right below your house. We can walk there. You and your sisters can easily take care of any cameras with zoom lenses, can't you?"

A smile flitted across her face. "I think that will be easy enough."

They went down the stairs leading to the beach in silence. Hannah shivered a little. She was wearing a short, denim jacket, but it obviously wasn't keeping out the chill coming in from the ocean. When they reached the sand, she kicked off her shoes and waited while he removed his.

Jonas shrugged out of his heavier coat. "Take this, it will keep you warm."

Hannah shook her head. "I'm used to the weather. I'm always sitting outside, remember? I don't want you to get cold."

"It's my chance to show you how manly I am after I looked wussy."

She let him enfold her in the warmth of his jacket. "Wussy? When did you look like a wuss?"

"You know how horror movies make my stomach turn. The house gave me that same creepy feeling and your sisters picked up on it. Your manly man looked like a baby. It was humiliating. I've got to find a way to redeem myself."

She laughed softly, the sound floating over the endless waves. Ripples appeared in the water as if sea creatures responded below. She tucked her hand in the crook of his arm, her blue eyes bright with amusement. For Jonas, Hannah created a magical world around her, and she always brought him into it. There was such beauty in the world, and when he was with her, he could see it so clearly.

"Any man who's been shot as many times as you have should never worry about anyone calling him a wuss," she pointed out.

"Getting shot means I'm slow, not brave."

"You're brave. I don't like horror movies either. They give me nightmares. Joley's even worse. If she watches a scary movie, she has to sleep with the lights on and most of the time she won't sleep alone."

"Then why do you watch them?"

"Joley likes to be scared, and she can't watch them alone."

"I don't know how you can make that sound perfectly logical."

Her laughter brought streaks of silver flashing to the surface of the water. White foam curled along the edges of the waves as they curled back under. Spray leapt up around the rocks and burst through holes formed centuries earlier by the wash of the sea. Jonas inhaled it all and felt at peace.

"You know what it is, Hannah? I have some kind of balance when I'm with you. My mind can slow down and enjoy the world around me. I realized it when I was a kid and things were so bad with my mom. I'd hear her crying—never in front of me—but in the night and when her door was closed. I couldn't do a thing—nothing at all—God—it made me feel so fucking helpless, and I'd come to your house. I'd go through every room until I found you. You didn't have to talk to me, but as long as you were there, my mind would quiet down and the rage that was burning a hole in my gut would subside."

She slipped her hand into his, entwined their fingers together. "I'm surprised it wasn't Libby, but I'm grateful it was me."

"It was definitely you. In those days, I didn't think about the whys, I was so confused. I didn't want Mom to die, I wanted her with me all the time, but she was in so much pain that I knew I was being selfish and that I should be able to find the strength to tell her it was okay if she let go."

"Jonas." Hannah touched his face with gentle fingers. "She wanted to be with you. I know she did. I was over there a lot with my mother and her will was absolute."

He drew her fingertips into his mouth and then kissed them, before letting her go. "That's why even when you make me crazy, I can still feel this… this…" "Peace" was the only word he could think of and she was staring up at him with stars in her eyes and all he wanted to do was kiss her.

"Marry me, Hannah."

She blinked up at him, shock driving the color from her face. "Jonas…"

"No, Hannah, don't think. Just say it. Say you want to be my wife. You want my children. You want me to come home to you every night. Say it so I don't have to keep thinking if I say or do the wrong thing, I'm going to lose you." He shoved his hand through his hair, leaving it rumpled and in complete disarray. "Hell. I'm walking on eggshells with you."

"You are? I hadn't noticed."

"Do you want those things? Do you want to go to bed with me at night? Wake up with me in the morning? Drive me crazy looking all sexy and drowsy over your tea? Spend your life with me, Hannah. Grow old with me. We can sit on the porch in our rockers and I swear, baby, at the end of it all, you'll know no one could have loved you more or better. I can give that to you. I swear I can, baby. Love me back, Hannah."

Jonas had never looked so vulnerable or so heart-breaking. He made her want to melt into his arms, get lost in his eyes, press close to the shelter of his body. She took a deep breath and let it out. "I love you with every single cell in my body, Jonas. With my heart and my soul. I want all those things with you, I do, but not right now. It can't be right now. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity and I have to know I'm going to be able to come to you whole."

She reached up with both hands to frame his face. "I need you to understand this and have patience with me. There will never be another man for me. It's always been you, but I have to figure out why I worked at a job I hated for years. I have to find out why I can't see what everyone else sees in me. I don't feel beautiful. When I look in the mirror, I never saw beautiful. For this to happen to someone like me, it's devastating, Jonas. I don't want you to think it's vanity, it isn't. I can't see me and I need to be able to do that. I need to find out what I'm like and what I want. I have to be comfortable in my own skin before I can be in a relationship the way you want."

His breath stilled in his lungs. He couldn't look at her, not when she was handing him back his heart. His jaw tightened and he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat.

"Don't." Hannah pressed her fingertips over his mouth. "You don't understand what I'm saying; Yes, I want to marry you. Absolutely. But just… not now."

Jonas backed up a couple of steps to keep from dragging her to him. Hannah was so elusive, like water slipping through his fingers. He had wanted her for so long, had her for a night, and now she was gone again. "I want to understand, Hannah, but it seems to me you're making this complicated when it's really simple. I love you. I want you. If you feel the same way, we should be together."

"I couldn't make love to you. I know I couldn't. I'd want to, Jonas, but…"

"You aren't always going to be in pain, Hannah, and that's not what's important."

She sighed, wanting desperately to say the right thing even at the expense of her pride. "You knew I had trouble with my body image before this ever happened." Embarrassed, she looked out over the ocean, watching the rise of the waves. As always, the motion and sound and beauty of it soothed her and gave her courage. "I can't even look in a mirror, Jonas, let alone think about you looking at me."

"I did look at you, Hannah, before and after. You're the most beautiful, sexy woman I've ever seen. Yeah, the wounds are fresh, but they're already healing and they'll fade. They don't take away from who and what you are. Not to me, never to me."

"But they do to
me
. I need to feel beautiful and sexy, not ugly and disgusting."

Jonas scowled at her. "Hannah, my God, you don't really feel that way about yourself? The wounds are going to fade. The plastic surgeon was one of the best in the country and your sisters…"

She stepped closer to him. Waves of distress poured off him, not distress for himself—but for her. Not pity, she realized with relief, but genuine concern for her. "I know my face and body will eventually recover, but right now, I don't want you looking at me."

"You don't have to be perfect for me, Hannah." His voice was low and furious. "That fucker Simpson did this to you. He made you think you had flaws and that you weren't good enough. I heard him yelling at you to lose weight and that your breasts were too big. Screw him. And screw that damned job. You're beautiful. Hell, baby, you stop traffic. You always have."

"Whatever the problem, Jonas, it's something I have to deal with."

He opened his mouth to argue with her some more, to persuade her that he was right and she should just be with him. Abruptly he closed it, swallowing the demand. He loved her and he needed to understand her. He wasn't the best at expressing himself, but he had to think of a way to say the right words for her.

He was silent a moment, staring down at her face, the skin that was so flawless it begged to be felt, even with the wounds stretched across her cheek and chin. So what exactly did he want from her? He'd always wanted her to stand up for herself, to choose what she wanted to do, whom she wanted to be with—but what had he really been saying? He wanted her choice to be him, to stay home and have his children and be his best friend and lover.

Jonas sighed. He was proud of her for being courageous enough to look at herself and want to find her own strength. And he loved her with everything in him, so that meant, if Hannah wanted and needed time, he'd give it to her. Besides, her admission left a lot of interesting loopholes for him to explore.

He ran his finger from her eyebrow to the corner of her mouth. "So what you're saying is, you love me, there's no other man, but you don't think you could make love to me right now because you feel ugly. Am I getting this?"

"It's certainly part of the problem." Her stomach began to settle. He wasn't angry with her, or hurt anymore, he was struggling to understand and that's all she could ask. "It's hard to feel desire when you don't feel desirable, Jonas."

The pad of his finger slid over her mouth, rubbing back and forth along her full lower lip before sliding over the curve of her chin to shape her neck. His fingers curled, the palm resting lightly against her throat. "So you don't really want me physically right now, but you think that might come later, when you're feeling better about yourself?"

His touch was electric, sending small currents leaping through her veins. She didn't feel desirable, but Jonas, up close and touching her so possessively, could still produce desire. How insane was that? She'd just been thinking how impossible it would be to take off her clothes and let him see the wounds again, but now, with his palm against her and the pads of his fingers caressing her skin seductively, her body was stirring to life.

"I couldn't give you anything but chaos and emotion with me falling apart every few minutes, and you deserve better than that, Jonas." She ignored the wild yearning his voice, his hands and the look on his face produced.

He tucked a spiral curl behind her ear, his hand sliding to the nape of her neck to hold her in place. "If you fall apart, I can be there for you."

"That's not how I want us to be. I don't want you to have to pick up the pieces." Now she knew exactly what she did want to say. "I want to find out what I want."

Jonas's gaze went dark and hot, dropping to her lips. Her stomach flipped. Searing heat spread through her lower body. "I don't mind helping you figure out what you want, Hannah. You can… talk… to me all you want."

The blatant suggestion in his voice curled her toes in the sand. His palm cradled the nape of her neck, gentle and warm, yet effectively holding her in front of him. All of a sudden he was close. She knew he moved, shifted. She hadn't seen it, but suddenly he was there, his body a mere inch from hers. She could feel the heat from his body, the powerful muscles in his thighs and chest, yet they weren't touching other than his hand curled around the back of her neck. The whisper of his breath slid over her, into her. She felt them breathe together.

"Jonas." She tried to put warning—censure—into her voice, but it was impossible, not when his eyes were so dark with hunger.

He didn't bother to disguise it or wrap it up into something pretty for her. He let her see the stark need in him, the heavy bulge in the front of his jeans, the race of his pulse and the cocky, sexy smile as his hot gaze drifted over her face. She touched her tongue to her lower lip and instantly his attention was riveted there.

"You aren't going to seduce me." She held up her hand in warning, torn between wanting to run, wanting to laugh and wanting to throw herself into his arms.

"I'm not? You're certain about that?" His thumb slid over her pounding pulse.

"You're distracting me, Jonas. I can't keep the fog hanging low if I'm distracted and I wanted to walk on the beach." There was desperation in her voice; she couldn't help it, she felt desperate. If he kissed her, she wasn't going to be strong. She would cave. She could already taste him in her mouth, wild and crazy and masculine. Jonas could make her come apart in his arms whether or not she felt beautiful and that wasn't the point. She wanted to come to him whole, not broken. She was so broken, and yet, she'd been given a second chance to do things right. More than anything, she wanted her relationship with Jonas to be right.

He bent his head and brushed his lips gently across hers. "I'm going to love you, Hannah. Forever. For always. Sex is part of that so you can expect to handle a little seduction now and again. I have no doubt in my mind that I can make you feel beautiful. And I can make you want me. And I can make you scream my name and forget everything but pleasure. I may not be good at a lot of things, but I can give that to you."

BOOK: Safe Harbor
7.33Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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