Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (4 page)

DANNY
: What?

BERNIE
: Just this:

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
: That when she's on her back, her legs are in the air, she's coming like a choo-choo and she's screaming “don't stop” . . .

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
: I want you to remember . . .

DANNY
: . . . yeah? . . .

BERNIE
: That power . . .
(Pause.)
. . . that
power
means
responsibility
.
(Pause.)
Remember that.

DANNY
: I will.

Pause
.

BERNIE
: Good.

Outside
DEB
and
JOAN
‘s
apartment
,
JOAN
is leaving
the apartment
,
DAN
runs into her in the hall.

DANNY
: Hi.

JOAN
: Hello.

DANNY
: I'm looking for Deborah.

JOAN
: She's not here now.

DANNY
: Oh. What is she, out?

JOAN
: She's out.

DANNY
: I'm supposed to meet her here.

JOAN
: Well, she's not here now.
(Pause.)

DANNY
: Well, perhaps we could stand out here and tell each other funny stories until she got back. What do you think?

JOAN
: Was she expecting you?

DANNY
: I'm supposed to meet her here.

JOAN
: You were supposed to meet her here when?

DANNY
: Now.

JOAN
: What time did she say?

DANNY
: Around seven.

JOAN
: Well, I'll tell her you stopped by.

DANNY
: Wait. Wait. . . . what? Could I have a chair or something? I'll be glad to wait outside the door. Maybe if you just have a stool and a copy of
Boy's Life
or something I could read.
(Pause.)
Why are you being so hostile?

JOAN
: I don't like your attitude.
(Pause.)

DANNY
: My name is Danny Shapiro.

JOAN
: I know who you are.

DAN
and
BERNARD
‘
S
office
.
They are filing
.

DANNY
: You ever do it in a plane?

BERNIE
: Yup.

DANNY
: Underwater?

BERNIE
: Yup.

DANNY
: You ever do it in a movie?

BERNIE
: Yes I have, Dan. I believe I have, yes.
(Pause.)
You know what some of ‘em like? They like you to get a trifle off the beaten track, if you know what I mean. I had this one chick, she used to have me wrap her in a bicycle chain and lock her to the radiator before she'd let me do it.

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
: Spent five happy months with that broad before it got cold. A lot of them. They like you to get off the beaten track.

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
:
Oh
yeah. Read your history. The Ancient Greeks . . . the French . . . you heard of King Farouk?

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: King Farouk, now one of the shots, I read, he'd pull into some small town, Dubuque, Peoria . . . he'd go put the make on some waitress.

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: So after work, they'd all go back to her place and start making it.

DANNY
: Uh huh.

BERNIE
: The shot of it was this: now secretly, while she was still at work, his men would go divert the local railroad . . .

DANNY
: Yeah . . .

BERNIE
: . . . and lay the tracks so they went right through this chick's house. Right by the headboard of her bed and out again on the main line.

DANNY
: Uh huh.

BERNIE
: So just as she's ready to come . . .

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: The King gives a signal, his men run a locomotive right through the broad's bedroom.

DANNY
: No.

BERNIE
: Yeah. The broads loved it. The thing of it was this:

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: King Farouk was a bit kinky. Right?

DANNY
: Right.

BERNIE
: So get this: There they're humping and bumping . . . the chick's about to come. . . .

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: She hears “Chugga chugga chugga,” and then
wham,
the house caves in.

DANNY
: Uh huh.

BERNIE
: So she sits up in bed, she says “What's that?”, the King goes “That, my dear, is a choo-choo” . . .

DANNY
: Uh huh.

BERNIE
: Then he whacks her on the forehead with a ball-peen hammer.

DANNY
: No shit.

BERNIE
: Yeah.

Pause
.

DANNY
: How'd he get away with it?

BERNIE
: You shitting me? The King had emissaries all over the country, they'd fix it up so it looked like the chick had got hit by a train.

Pause
.

He'd take care of their families, though.

DANNY
: The girls’ families.

BERNIE
: Yeah. He'd send them a couple g's. A g or two in savings bonds.

Pause
.

DANNY
: He could afford it.

BERNIE
: Are you shitting me? The man was king of
Egypt. (Pause.)
A
huge
fucking country.

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: An ancient land.

DANNY
: Yeah.

Pause.

BERNIE
: So tell me.

DANNY
: What?

BERNIE
: How are you getting along with that girl?

DANNY
: What girl?

BERNIE
: You introduced me to.

DANNY
: Deborah?

BERNIE
: Deborah, Betty, whatever.

DANNY
: Her name's Deborah.

BERNIE
: I don't know that? I know what her name is, I'm asking you how you're getting on.

DANNY
: We're getting on just fine.
(Pause.)

BERNIE
: That's okay.
(Pause.)
You don't want to talk about it, we won't think about it.

DANNY
: I didn't say I didn't want to talk about it.

Pause
.

BERNIE
: Does she give head?

DANNY
: What?

BERNIE
: To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to
you
.

Pause.

Forget it.

DANNY
: You want me to do these 12-12's?

BERNIE
: Yeah, do'em. Do'em.
(Pause.)

DANNY
: You ever make it with an Oriental?

BERNIE
: No. I spent eighteen months in Korea jacking off. Do the 12-12's, huh?

JOAN
and
DEB'S
apartment
.
The evening. They are sitting around
.

JOAN
: I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know.
(Pause.)

DEBORAH
: You don't know what?

JOAN
: I don't know anything, Deborah, I swear to god, the older I get the less I know.
(Pause.)
It's a puzzle. Our efforts at coming to grips with ourselves . . . in an attempt to become “more human” (which, in itself, is an interesting concept). It has to do with an increased ability to recognize
clues
. . . and the control of energy in the form of
lust
. . . and
desire
(And also in the form of hope) . . .

But a
finite
puzzle. Whose true solution lies, perhaps, in transcending the rules themselves . . .
(Pause.)
. . . and pounding of the fucking pieces into places where they DO NOT FIT AT ALL.

Pause
.

Those of us who have seen the hands of the Master Magician move a bit too slowly do have a rough time from time to time.

Pause
.

Some things persist.
(Pause.)

“Loss” is always possible . . .

Pause
.

Phone rings.

DEBORAH
: I'll take it in the other room.
(Exits.)

DAN
and
BERNARD
‘
S
office
.
Closing up
.
DAN
and
BERNARD
are securing the office at the end of a day
.

BERNIE
: So what are we doing tomorrow, we going to the beach?

DANNY
: I'm seeing Deborah.

BERNIE
: Yeah? You getting serious? I mean she seemed like a hell of a girl, huh? The little I saw of her. Not too this, not too that . . . very kind of . . . what?
(Pause.)
Well, what the fuck. I only saw her for a minute. I mean first impressions of this kind are often misleading, huh? So what can you tell from seeing a broad one, two, ten times. You're seeing a lot of this broad. You getting serious? But what the fuck, that's your business. Right?

DANNY
: Umm.