Split (Split #1) (2 page)

CHAPTER THREE

The room for the dream study’s participants almost looked like a therapist's office. A plush red couch (presumably where she would be required to sleep for parts of the study) sat in the corner of the room. Dark wood floors and a few nice houseplants gave the room a homey feel. It was nice. Dr. Johns was there, looking as busy and serious as she had a few days ago, accompanied by three of her students. Two young men and one woman, none of whom said anything for the duration of Claire’s time in the room that afternoon, which felt a little awkward.

Claire began the session by giggling nervously for a few moments.

"So, I didn't have any dreams last night that I remember. Isn't that funny? I almost always remember them. Like, almost every single night." She was actually nervous. Talking about her dreams in front of strangers felt very intimate.

"We often hear that from participants at the beginning of the program," Dr. Johns spoke in a disarmingly disinterested tone. "It is likely that you've never thought much about your dreams before. Just thinking about having to write them down in the morning may have affected your sleep last night.”

"Performance anxiety!" Claire had a knack for saying strange things at just the wrong moment.

"Sure." No one had laughed, especially not Dr. Johns. "We're going to administer a drug during these in-office sessions. It will help you sleep.”

Shit, she hadn't even considered that there would still be pills involved. "Um, can I ask what the drug is...?"

"Well, some participants will receive a placebo. Others will be given a drug that has been approved by the FDA. It is perfectly safe, however we will be unable to tell you if you are being given the drug or the placebo per the rules of the study.”

With that, Dr. Johns handed her a small plastic cup with a small pink pill in it and a glass of water. Claire had never seen a bright pink pill before, and this alone managed to convince her that it was probably the placebo. More than anything, she’d gotten excited about this project and didn’t want anything to affect her ability to participate. After one small moment of hesitation, she downed the pill. What Dylan didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Dr. Johns told her to take a nap at her leisure, and then she and her silent entourage left the room. It was 12:30pm and they would wake her up, if she even fell asleep, by 4pm when her session was set to end. Until then, this little room was hers.

Claire was smart enough to know that there must be a two-way mirror in the room somewhere, and that they would be watching her while she slept. She barely had time to get nervous about this concept, though, because she was out like a light within minutes of being left alone in the room. So much for hoping she got the placebo, she had never fallen asleep that fast in her life.

***

It was 2004. Claire had on platform heels and hair down to the small of her back, blonde with light red streaks blowing in the wind. Her bright red sunglasses were heart-shaped. Her car was a convertible with the top perpetually down.

The windy roads of Maryland countryside were the perfect counterpart to the Pat McGee band CD spinning in the car's player. All of her friends had iPods, but she still liked the feel of a real disc.

A week ago, she had won the state culinary championship for high school seniors. Her parents were proud of her for the first time in what felt like her whole life. She was proud of herself, too.

Luke's hand rested gently on her knee, occasionally tracing lazy circles up and down her thigh to the beat of the music while Claire drove. His touch always made her feel like she was on fire.

She smiled with all of her teeth showing and shouted, "I love Saturdays!"

Luke smiled back, "I love you.”

It was their third anniversary, which was a very, very big moment for a couple of seventeen year olds. They had been voted "cutest couple" in the yearbook each year that they had been together. Not even because they were particularly cute, but because they were the only stable couple in the whole high school. They finished each other's sentences, and their commitment was fascinating (albeit confusing) to their classmates. They were a case study in young love.

Luke wrote plays, which was an unusual passion for a straight, male teenager. He was incredibly good at it, though, and had even had works published and produced by some regional theatre companies. Claire knew nothing about theatre, but loved having a boyfriend who understood what it was like to have a commitment to something which most people their age could care less about. She had been baking soufflés and building her knife skills since she was in middle school.

The fall breeze blew a cascade of orange and yellow leaves around the car. Something about the air in fall was incredibly sexy. Or maybe everything with Luke just felt sexy to Claire. Just as that thought entered her head, she felt his lips brush the spot just under her right ear. She pulled over into a dirt parking lot.

Claire wondered if this was always what love was like. Like one of those water fountains that never turn off, recycling the same steady and beautiful stream over and over. They kissed the same way that they had been kissing since they were 14. Luke was slow, gentle, and always whispered the perfect thing in her ear as he slid his hands up and down her spine. They had developed an affinity for parking on the side of the road to make love over the last few months. It felt a little dangerous, but exciting at the same time. Which was exactly how she had always felt with Luke.

"I'm so proud of you, kitten." He pulled her dress over her head with care. Claire gasped as his mouth bent down to kiss the top of her breasts. This was perfect. He lifted her from the driver’s seat into the back with such ease that she barely noticed she’d moved.

It felt like the world was at her fingertips. They were almost done with high school and all of its silly, immature shenanigans. They'd hop in the VW right after graduation and speed off into the sunset... or, more accurately, on a cross-country trip that would land them in Los Angeles. Luke would keep writing, hopefully crossing over into the film and television world. Claire would attend culinary school and try to get her work noticed by the big shots in LA. One day, she'd own her own little restaurant. Luke would come there every day for lunch to meet her for a bite, or to bring his laptop and get some work of his own done. They'd have two kids and maybe a dog. A little house near the beach. She could picture it all so clearly, all while wrapped safely in Luke's strong arms.

"Where'd you go, baby?" Luke smiled at her with his little devilish grin before biting her lower lip playfully.

"I'm right here, dummy." She slapped his bicep.

"I mean, where did you go in your head? You looked like you were thinking about something." He made even everyday conversation sound sexy.

"Just thinking about our future, that's all." She smiled.

"Well, come back to me for now. We've got lots of time for that later on." He kissed her so well that she forgot everything she’d been thinking. His strong hands grazed her thighs as he slid inside of her. Claire gasped for air before screaming out his name.

***

“Ahhhh!” Claire screamed.

She snapped awake with a jolt, unsure of where she was for a moment, out of breath with tears streaming down her face.

Holy shit.

The door swung open, and Dr. Johns entered looking marginally more interested than she had been before.

"Perfect timing, Ms. Lyons, it is 3:30. You woke up with just enough time for us to discuss your experience.”

"I slept for three hours? It felt like ten minutes... is that something the medicine did to me?”

Dr. Johns looked perplexed. "You know I can't discuss the medication with you, Claire. But, no, it isn't unusual for someone to feel that they slept for less time than they actually did. We get that quite frequently here. Not a cause for concern. You seem to have had quite a strong reaction to your dream... would you be able to tell me about its contents?”

Claire paused. Usually she dreamed about showing up to Southwest late or having a hoard of flying monkeys attack her. She hadn’t prepared herself for discussing such... personal dreams.

"Um. Sure. I was dreaming about being 17 years old, right after I won this big award. I guess it was a really important moment in my life—"

"So, you dreamed about a real event in your life? In the past?”

"Yeah, actually it felt more like a memory than a dream. It was something that really happened.”

"So your dream was about an award you won? You seemed to have a strong emotional response to it. Any thoughts on the reason for that?"

"Well. I guess the dream was about my old boyfriend, really. I just remembered that it was the day right after I won that award.”

"Was the dream sexual in nature?" Dr. Johns asked this as though every single person who came in for this study was also having sex dreams.

Claire felt that if there was a time to lie in this process, this was it. This was a dream study, not a sex study after all: "Nope," she said.

"Is this a person you dream about often?”

"Never, actually. This is the first time in years.”

"So, the two of you are no longer in contact?”

Claire paused. "Is that relevant to the study?”

“Yes."

"Okay, no we are no longer in contact." Claire felt tears brimming again.

"Do you have any feelings about why the dream produced such a strong reaction? I know this may seem like crossing the line, but we don't see people waking up in tears very often. I'm curious about what caused that." Dr. Johns had seemed so quiet and uninterested before; Claire wished they could revert to that phase of their relationship.

"I haven't been in contact with him, with Luke, because he died when I was eighteen.”

Dr. Johns' face blurred for a moment with something that looked like sympathy before regaining its normal stern expression. "I am sorry for your loss. Did you say that you don't typically dream of him?”

"Not since he died. Not even once.”

The truth was that after Luke passed away, Claire had longed for him to join her in her dreams. She had tried staring at pictures of him before falling asleep each night and reading his old love letters. Nothing had worked, and he disappeared from her subconscious as quickly as he had disappeared from her in real life. At eighteen, Claire had actually learned quite a bit about the nature of dreams, out of sheer need. She had been desperate for what she had lost, even only as a figment of her imagination.

"Then this was a very powerful dream for you, I suppose?" Dr. Johns kept writing furiously on her notepad.

"Yeah, it was." That was the truth.

CHAPTER FOUR

Dylan wanted to know every detail of Claire’s experience from that afternoon, of course. She had thought through lying about having to take the pills, but hadn't expected to also have to lie about who and what she dreamt about. (Of course, she never would have told him about the dream sex... that was a given. Avoiding telling him about Luke being in the dream at all felt like a bigger lie.)

"It was easy, honestly I just napped for the afternoon and look!" She held up the $75 cash that she had made for today's session and waved it around, hoping it would distract from further questioning.

"You didn't feel weird falling asleep in front of strangers at all? I'm surprised that you actually slept... I would have been wide awake.”

This was a good point, there was no way Claire would have fallen asleep without the pill.

"Oh, I think I was so nervous that I didn't get much sleep last night. Plus, I didn't let myself have coffee this morning." More lies.

Finally, Dylan's questions subsided... but Claire's were just beginning. What had happened today? Not only had she not seen Luke in a dream since his death, she had also never had a dream that was essentially a memory of something that really happened. The whole thing was so bizarre.

Once Dylan fell asleep that night, she decided to try a bit of internet sleuthing about recent FDA-approved sleep aid drugs. There were plenty of results, but nothing stood out to her as particularly notable. It was all just run-of-the-mill sleep-aid stuff. She did find a few forums where people discussed strange dreams. Some of the stuff they posted about, like dreams that actually predicted the future, was so much crazier than her one little dream about Luke today. Reading the crazier stories made her feel better, in a weird way.

When she finally slid into bed next to Dylan, it was almost 3am. He was always so warm, and she felt so content snuggling into his side. She couldn't help thinking as she feel asleep, though, that she hoped she would dream of Luke again that night.

No such luck. She woke with a start as Dylan left for work at 7am, and again couldn’t remember any of her dreams from the night before. In fact, she didn’t remember a single dream she had at home for the next few days.

***

Sarah had been Claire's best friend since high school. They were the kind of girlfriends who did everything together. They shopped together, they confided in each other, they finished each other's sentences. There wasn't a big, important moment in either of their lives that the other had not been a major part of. When Sarah's dad had abruptly moved out of their family's home just after Sarah moved away to college, Claire was the first one to head back to help her and her mom pick up the pieces. When Claire started dating Dylan and didn't know which little black dress was the perfect one, Sarah held a mock runway show in her apartment to help make the decision. The girls had moved to New York City together, and had been roommates until Claire moved in with Dylan. They championed each other's dreams. They were, in a weird and totally non-sexual way, soul mates.

Sarah was also the person who had gotten Claire through Luke's death. When she had just wanted to give up, when she wanted to stay in their hometown and forget about her big city dreams... Sarah wouldn't let her be anyone but the person she was supposed to be. There wasn't much else you could ask for in a friend.

Their weekly coffee date at French Roast was as sacred to them as church on Sunday was to some people. Claire had been highly anticipating this week's meet up; she was bursting to talk to someone about what had happened at the dream study earlier that week.

"So... it was a sex dream? About Luke?" Sarah was doing that thing were she didn't want to pass judgment, but wanted to feel out whether or not Claire was at least judging herself a little bit.

"I mean, yeah. It was more of a memory though. That was something that really happened." Claire was not judging herself, not for the time being at least.

"Okay, well that is interesting I guess. What did Dylan think about it?”

"...I didn't tell him, honestly. I just figured it’s harmless, right? Why get him riled up or jealous of a guy who isn't even alive anymore. I don't mean it the wrong way... I guess I just wanted to see if he keeps coming up in the dreams or not." This was mostly a lie. Claire was barely able to fall asleep at home right now, anticipating the possibility of seeing Luke again in her dreams. She was anxiously awaiting her next study appointment, like a girl waiting for a date with a guy she really likes. Exactly like that, actually...but with a guy she used to really like.

"You just seem really excited about it. Isn't it all a little weird?" The fact is, a friend as loyal as Sarah valued Claire’s loyalty over everything else. She expected her to do right by Dylan, but Claire didn’t see anything wrong with dreaming about someone she had once loved. That wouldn’t be considered a betrayal by anyone, would it?

"So, I’m not cheating on my boyfriend. Luke died, like, ten years ago! It isn't even the sex stuff that I’m interested in... I just feel like I never really got closure with him. Maybe this would help me."

Sarah gave a sympathetic smile. She had seen how hard losing Luke was for everyone in their town, and especially for Claire. There had been a time when she was worried she'd lose her best friend completely over his death. "Claire, obviously I understand. I just think that if it continues, you'll start to feel weird about keeping such a big thing from Dylan. Does he even know about Luke at all?"

Claire shook her head. She'd never been able to tell him, or any other boy she'd dated, about what had happened to her first love. It was just too hard.

"Well, just see what happens... at least they're paying you. Maybe I should swing by there, I'd love to get extra cash for napping!" Sarah was totally kidding; she had a great Wall Street job. She'd always been so much more practical than Claire.

***

It was two full days before Claire went back to the center, and she had spent most of that time thinking about what her next dream would be. She hadn't applied for any other jobs, though Dylan wasn't aware of that. As far as he was concerned, she was going on interviews all day every day. She felt horrible lying, but not horrible enough to make herself stop.

This time, Dr. Johns and her students didn't even greet her when she went into the little room with the couch. The pink pill, in its tiny plastic cup, was already waiting for her on the side table next to a glass of water. She felt like Alice in Wonderland:
DRINK ME,
it screamed. She gulped the pill down and slipped almost instantly back into her dream world.

***

It was graduation day. She had complained to her parents for months about having to buy a white dress instead of getting to wear a cap and gown like her public school friends. “God, mom, its like this is the entire graduating class' wedding ceremony.”

Just saying the word “wedding” had made her want to throw up that day.

This whole graduation experience had stung for her, because Luke had died three weeks before he would have gotten to receive his diploma with Claire and the rest of their class. She cried through the whole ceremony. She had turned down the chance to give her speech as the class president. It would have just been too hard.

Claire realized she was dreaming. This was a first for her. It was like watching her own graduation from above. God, she thought, as if I’d ever want to live through that day again. She felt disappointed, this wasn’t a memory she wanted to relive at all.

Suddenly, though, Claire felt happy when she looked at herself in the white graduation dress. It had a long chiffon overlay with little pearl details all along an empire waist. Her hair was done in a very old Hollywood style that she had favored when she was in high school. She had always wanted to look older than she was.

She smiled.

"Kitten, it’s perfect." A very alive Luke appeared behind her in the full-length mirror of her bedroom.

"Do you really like it?”

"Yeah, really, really, really... you want to just get it over with and go get married after they give us our diplomas?" She knew he was joking, but he looked very much part of a groom in his tux. She wouldn't be totally against that idea.

"Well, if I can get through this speech, I'll be up for basically anything." She cocked one eyebrow suggestively.

"I'll keep that in mind, because I am sure it will be great."

The dream went on for what felt like a full twenty-four hours. The whole graduation ceremony, her speech that went off without a hitch, the celebratory bonfire party and underage drinking, the hot night with Luke afterwards. They woke up in the morning in the tree house in his parent's backyard.

"You ready?" He whispered her awake.

"Ready?" She was sleepy and confused.

"For the trip of a lifetime, silly." He snuck outside with her, to a car that was fully stocked with clothes that she didn't remember packing.

They had talked about a cross-country road trip to Los Angeles for essentially the entirety of their three and a half years together. They were taking their dream trip.

***

As she woke, Claire wondered if she could request more pills for a longer sleep. She was hooked. It felt like she was getting to live out a part of her life that had been ripped away from her. It was incredibly strange, but amazing at the same time.

A knock came from the door, and this time one of Dr. Johns' students appeared. He introduced himself as Sam and explained that the doctor wouldn't always be available for every session, but that it was part of his education to assist with running things when she was away.

"I'm not going to ask you questions about your dreams, but I will help advise you on how you can best help us when you chronicle them in your journal. How has your dreaming been at home this week?”

He looked interested when she told him she hadn't been remembering any of her dreams, and that this was unusual for her.

"Do you think it is because of the pills I'm taking here? The dreams here have been so vivid..." She hoped that he would let some information about these pills slip out. She would buy the hell out of them if she could.

He didn't give her an inch, though. He brushed her pill questions aside, and sent her on her way.