Still Water (5 page)

The sun was shining and the humid heat pooled and dripped down my back. The black sundress I wore was a bad idea. I didn't even recognize half of the people here. The bass player from my dad's old band was speaking now, leading us in prayer, and I had to stifle a smile. My dad would have hated this prayer. Gabe finally finished his attempt at being spiritual and looked at the coffin with fear in his eyes. My heart split open again. It was like an abrasion on the knee — every time you bent it, it broke open again. Every time someone mentioned how great my dad was, how they were sorry for my loss, how much he would be missed, it ripped the scab, and I bled out over and over again. Gabe came over to where I was standing and put his arm around me.

"You got anything you want to say?"

I shook my head. In my mind, I thought of the things I would have said, "I love you. Why are you gone? What am I supposed to do now? I didn't get to say goodbye. I was being stupid when I said I hated you. I don't hate you. You were perfect. I miss your smell, I miss that stupid Old Spice smell, and I miss your laugh and your smile."

"Danny you were a good man, a great father, and one hell of a singer. Tell the angels to save a spot for me." Gabe's voice choked as he threw a Calla Lily on the coffin. Everyone started to leave, but I couldn't move.

"You coming?" Gabe looked at me with such sadness it was suffocating. I couldn't be with anyone right then.

"No, I'm going to head out soon." I kept my eyes on the casket. Everyone dropped their lilies as they left, making the dark wood of the casket look as if it was surrounded by a pale halo. It was beautiful.

"Okay… just… he knows you loved him no matter how it all ended. He loved you, and you loved him. It is what it is."

"It is what it is." Those words could not be truer. I allowed my tears to fall this one time. I put the necklace on and brought my fingertips to my lips and blew a small kiss up to heaven. My dad would be with the angels all right. Gabe knew. I knew. He died too soon. The good people always do. The bad ones always get to linger. What does that make me?

"
S
EE YOU TOMORROW,
E
VE,"
I hollered to my sister as I bounded up the basement stairs. I was living in the spare room in the basement of my sister's house until I could find a place.

"Please be quiet when you come home. We have to be at church in the morning." Eve's voice sounded annoyed. I stopped before I opened the front door. I was always quiet, what the hell? Instead of leaving I walked toward the kitchen where she was feeding my nephew, Christopher.

"I'm always quiet." I frowned.

"I know, but Christopher hasn't been sleeping well, and I don't want him to cry during church. I hate not getting to listen to Pastor Phillips. I only go to Saturday service for him." She appraised me with tired eyes. "You're going to work dressed like that?"

"Like what?" I looked down at my jeans and black V-neck sweater.

"You don't think that's a little too low cut?" She clicked her tongue and shook her head slightly. Christopher cried out impatiently as she dangled the spoon of what looked like pureed carrots in front of his face. "Oh sorry, baby." She quickly pushed the spoon full of goop into his tiny little mouth. I rolled my eyes. I hate how she treated me like I was the younger sister. I was, after all, three years older than her.

"Eve, geez, it's not that low cut. Maybe you should get out more. When was the last time you went out with Holden, huh? Church doesn't count." I smirked.

Eve's blue eyes squinted resentfully. "Don't Lil. Holden and I are just fine. Don't try and tell me that working at a bar, playing music for pennies, and dressing like a slut makes you an expert on everything." I gasped at the word 'slut.'

"Wow… nice… very Christian of you, sis. Don't worry. I'll be outta here soon." I grabbed my coat from the hook next to the fridge and turned on my heel to leave. I wanted to scream at her.
Who the hell does she think she is? Self-righteous bit — my
thought was cut off as she yelled to me from the kitchen. I was half out the door.

"Lil, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

I slammed the door and ran to my car trying to avoid the rain. Eve believed her words. She only felt guilty because she knew she shouldn't mean it.

CHAPTER FOUR

Todd

"
F
RANK, MAN, YOU'RE NOT PISSED SHE
didn't come to you first?" I looked at Frank with disbelieving eyes. Frank was never this forgiving. I'm glad he wasn't mad though. As much as Lily was most likely sent here to torture me for my past wrongs, I couldn't help but want her to stay. There was something about her. God, I sounded like a fucking pussy.

"No, I'm sure she had her reasons. I couldn't even talk to her at the funeral. It was so hard. She was part of my life for so long, Todd. When I knocked up Pam, well… it was like Lily's world ended. She should hate my ass. I destroyed her family. All for what? That dirty bitch almost ruined my life. At least I got Evy out of it." Frank's stare softened. "Lily's a good girl. I want to help her. Evy… she doesn't want any part of my life. Since she joined that damn church, she's all high and mighty. Thinks her shit don't stink. Maybe Lily can help us all heal, you know."

That thought penetrated my thick wall and hung there like a prize waiting to be claimed. He meant his
family
could be restored, but even though that was way too much weight to put on one person, a small part of me thought maybe she could help heal me. A light knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts.

"Uh… hey, Frank." Lily's sexy voice ran all the way down my spine. It pissed me off the effect this chick had on me. Apparently, I needed to get laid. I turned and watched as her eyes shifted between Frank and me. Lily looked incredible. She had on a tight as hell black V-neck sweater that made her hair appear ten times as bright. The copper curls were tamed into a high, thick ponytail. The freckles on her cheeks more evident with her hair pulled back. The freckles on the bridge of her nose were my favorite. If you looked at them just right, they almost looked like a constellation.

"Hey." Frank took a deep breath. "So I hear you work here now." He cocked his left eyebrow. Lily pinned her annoyed gaze on me.

"What?" I asked sarcastically, knowing damn well why she was pissed. I didn't give a shit. This was my bar; I'll do what I want.

"You're such a jerk." She pulled her bag off her shoulder and moved to leave.

"So I hear." My laugh stopped her, and a small growl escaped her lips making me laugh even harder.

"What's going on?" Frank's voice held no humor.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you she was working here. She wanted to."

"Lily get in here and shut the door." Frank's voice had a parental quality. I sat up straighter in my chair feeling like a child. Lily shut the door a bit too hard, and it caused me to jump.

"Have a seat." Frank gestured to the chair next to me. Lily sat stiffly and dropped her bag to the floor.

"Frank, I just wanted to tell you myself. I know it's not a secret who I am to you. But I wanted to get this job on my own. I didn't want you to think I was using—"
      "Stop right there, young lady. I don't give a shit what any of these kids think around this damn bar. You're like a daughter to me. I know… I've made giant mistakes. I would've been happy to help you, and you know it."

I watched as Lily schooled her features, holding in the sentiment that obviously needed to boil over. Her chest moved up and down with effort, like she was desperate for air.

"Thank you… thank you for being there. He would have loved that, you know." She rubbed at the ring around her neck. I had the weird urge to pull her small body close to mine. I wanted to feel the deep movement of her chest against mine as she struggled for control. The need to take over, relieve her chaos and watch her let go, was stirring up a storm in my gut, and I didn't like it. I couldn't care like this again. I just couldn't.

"Is there a reason I still need to be in here? I've got shit to do." Standing, I waited for Frank to let me out of this stifling office. I heard Lily's quick, hostile laugh. She thought I was such a prick, but it was better that way.

"Make sure you call that idiot Ray. I need to get the graphics for this album done by next week."

"I'm on it, Frank." I passed Lily on my way to the door. The smell of coconut and sunscreen hit me. Last night in the break room her scent had surrounded me, and I felt lost for the first time in a while. She smelled like the beach, and it was such a contradiction to her fair skin and light features. I almost couldn't take it when we were dancing, as she bent down teasing me with that perfect ass, making it almost impossible to not succumb to the temptation. I wanted everyone to disappear that second so I could show her just what she was playing with. She made me feel out of control, and I hated her for it.

I shook my head and headed for the office door.

"Next time, I'll know better than to trust you. Thanks for that." Her words were bitter.

I opened the door without looking at her. If I let myself see the disappointment in those unearthly eyes, I'd apologize, and I couldn't allow that. Everything I'd ever wanted had been taken from me in some way or another. I couldn't let myself want her. I had to keep it together. Control… it's all I have left.

"No problem, Red." I shut the door behind me. The steps I took away from her hurt more than they should have. I rolled my shoulders back, tilted my head to the left and to the right, stretching the muscles in my neck.
Pull it together, Dixon.
Yeah, I couldn't afford to care again.

"
D
AMN IT!"
I
'D THROWN
my cell phone down a bit harder than I should have, causing the screen crack. "Shit!" I did a quick once-over of the screen, coming to the realization that I would need a new phone for sure. I didn't have time for this. It was getting close to the rush, and I had to get out on the floor. The sound system was playing
"Believe"
by The Bravery as I walked over to the bar. The crowd was big tonight. It was Friday, the first weekend of spring break, and the place was crawling with hot girls. This was just what I needed to get my head back in the game.

"So? Where the hell is this band we booked for tonight?" Tiffany asked while she shook up a drink in a tumbler.

"Canceled… I don't know what to do." I shrugged my shoulders in defeat.

"We could do an open mic." Tiffany poured the drink into a martini glass. Open mic on a Friday? This was going to suck.

"I guess that's what we'll have to do. I'll get it going."

"Get what going?" Lily asked, her face full of skepticism.

"Open mic. The band for tonight canceled." I tried not to sound pissed. But open mic on a Friday was bar suicide. People wanted to dance, get wasted, and listen to live music… not go to amateur hour.

"Really?" Lily's voice lifted with excitement. "Cool, I love open mic nights."

"Great, that makes one person in this bar that won't leave." Tiffany laughed.

I chuckled at Tiff's joke. There was no reason to stay pissed, might as well make the best of it. I grabbed some equipment from the back. We had two spare guitars that I'd brought onto the stage, and Jace and I moved the piano forward that had been pushed to the back for the band that never showed. On our regular open mic nights, my band played, so all our equipment was already up here. No drums tonight though. I set up the microphone and signaled for Tiffany to lower the music. I waited for the crowd to quiet down.

"Hey guys, unfortunately, Red Light canceled tonight's show…" The din of disapproval rose throughout the bar. "…I know. Well, we're going to open the stage to you guys. Open mic, yeah?" A few people whistled. "All right then, let's get started and let's be respectful of those preforming. Thanks." I smiled at this hot blonde that was eyeing me from the dance floor. Maybe this night could turn out okay.