Stuff White People Like (3 page)

1.
The Darjeeling Limited
(2007): “Owen Wilson is just fantastic. It’s so great to see that he’s back.”

2.
Hotel Chevalier
(2007): “Can you believe Natalie Portman got kind of naked?”

3.
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
(2004): “I know a lot of people said they didn’t like this film, but I thought it was fantastic.” (Note: It is acceptable to be critical of this movie.)

4.
The Royal Tenenbaums
(2001): “This movie changed my life.”

5.
Rushmore
(1998): “This is when Bill Murray really changed in my eyes. He’s so fantastic in the movie, and Jason Schwartzman is a true star.”

6.
Bottle Rocket
(1996): “I saw this movie in 1994.”
Special Entry: It is always a good idea to say that you love Wes Anderson soundtracks.

11 Asian Girls

Ninety-five percent of white males have, at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon, such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the nuclear bomb, and the Vietnam War. This exchange works both ways, as Asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for Asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history.) Asian girls often do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-English-speaking grandmothers a heart attack.

White men love Asian women so much that they will go to extremes like stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC (dubbed University of a Billion Chinese) or UCLA (University of CaucAsians Living among Asians). Another factor that draws white guys to Asian women is that white women are jealous of them.

Take, for instance, the fact that Asian women well into their thirties and forties retain teen or college-girl looks without the help of Botox, yoga, or a trendy diet. Asian women also avoid key white-women characteristics such as having a midlife crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children. When white guy and Asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing but often very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the Asian peoples in the population race, as the hybrids often act white rather than Asian.

12 Nonprofit Organizations

It is a known fact that white people make up 95 percent of nonprofit organizations. They can’t get enough of them.

They like working there for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it gives them a sense of self-importance. They can then tell their friends and parents that they are “helping” society, not just working to make money.

If a white person can stick around long enough, the nonprofit organization can eventually become a lucrative position. This is because nonprofits retain their top executives by paying a salary competitive with similar positions in other industries. So you can be working at a nonprofit and still make six figures, and you don’t have accountability or pressure. White people can’t lose!

13 Tea

It is a known fact that white people consume, on average, 25 different teas in a given year.

Back in the old days, white people would go all over the world to get teas from places like India and Sri Lanka. All of a sudden, white people were into tea. But as we moved forward, white people were like, “Man, one kind of tea is not enough, we need more.” And now people are into green tea, chamomile, chai, white tea, red tea, jasmine tea, oolong tea, black tea, orange pekoe, and other specialty varieties. They are even opening stores and websites devoted to sending white people all sorts of tea.

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now” or “My favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.” But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.

14 Having Black Friends

Much has been made about the way that white people adore all aspects of black culture and history. These days the majority of hip-hop, jazz, blues, and African-American history fans are actually white people. Ask white people about Cornel West and they might be moved to tears of respect (very rare). So it comes as no surprise that white people love having black friends. They serve many valuable functions.

The most important role that black friends can play in white culture is that they can be used as physical evidence that white people are not racist. Did you know that if you are able to acquire a friend of every race then you are officially designated as the least racist person on earth? Though this is impossible, white people treat it the same way that Buddhists view enlightenment—unattainable, but with great virtue in the attempt.

Black friends can also be used to confirm that a white person is knowledgeable about African-American culture. Many white people are constantly striving to be recognized as experts, and many consider it a life achievement to be befriended and acknowledged by a black person. But note, do not dole out your praise like piñata candy. Once white people have achieved this goal, they will be more difficult to manipulate. So it is best to tease them with little bits of praise, balanced with a few barbs. “I have to hand it to you for putting KRS-One on that party mix. I mean, you went with a pretty well-known song, but still, good job.”

Also note that all white people fantasize about being brought to an authentic “African-American” experience such as a Baptist church or a barbecue restaurant in a neighborhood that they are afraid of.

Finally, an abundance of black friends (defined in white culture as two) also enables a white person to be the resident expert on African-American issues when there are no black people around.

Moving beyond friendship, some white people actively seek out opportunities to begin romantic relationships with black people. Dating, marrying, and subsequently having a child with a black person is considered one of the greatest things a white person can do. It delivers a lifetime of opportunities to get offended and feel superior to friends with white children, but still ranks slightly behind Adopting Foreign Children (#133).

15 Yoga

Though its roots are in India, the global tree of yoga has most of its branches in rich white neighborhoods. Yoga has been so thoroughly embraced by white people because it requires large amounts of money and time, two things that white people have a lot of.

Yoga is essentially stretching with guidance. Advanced yoga is just regular yoga done in a very hot room.

You might think that since yoga is such a minimalist activity, it can be done almost anywhere. But you would be wrong. Yoga must take place on hardwood floors at a studio. Exposed beams are generally believed to enhance yoga experiences by 40 percent.

Being noncompetitive, you might think that yoga can just be done in any type of clothes that allow for a full range of motion; again you would be wrong. Yoga is much more than just an activity, it is a chance to showcase $80 pants that are tailor-made for the rigors of yoga.

And last, but not least, yoga feels exotic and foreign. It has become sort of like a religion that prizes flexibility and expensive clothes. Also, deep down, white people feel that their participation makes up for years of colonial rule in India.

16 Gifted Children

White people love “gifted” children. Do you know why? Because an astounding 100 percent of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?

I’m pretty sure the last nongifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, California. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.

The way it works is that white kids who are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school.

But wait, aren’t there white people who aren’t doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart? Well, here is another of those awesome white-person win-win situations. If white kids get crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How, you ask? They are just
too
smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day-to-day operations of school.

Eventually they will show their creativity in elaborate constructions of bongs and intimate knowledge of different kinds of mushrooms and hash.