Susanna's Christmas Wish (4 page)

She was not giving in to any of his schemes, whatever they were. She had withstood the temptation to follow him into the
Englisha
world, and she would also make it through this. The hardest thing would be telling Herman about Matthew’s visit. It was clear he now had to be told. There was no keeping this a secret. Not if Matthew stayed for lunch, and she helped prepare the food. Not even if she left right now. Word would get around, and Herman would be hurt worse by hearing about Matthew from someone else. How could the man do this to her? Matthew was thinking only of himself, as usual. In Matthew’s world the sun had always risen and set on himself. He had no idea how much harm he was doing to all of them. And all for nothing.

Susanna paused to listen for sounds of footsteps behind her. Surely Matthew wouldn’t follow her into the kitchen. Not when she was in here alone. Not after what she had just told him. Even he had to have that much decency. She was a married woman now.

U
nder the hiss of the gas lantern that evening, Susanna placed the water glasses on the table. The winter sun had set moments before, the glow of the sunset still on the horizon. In the stillness, she would be able to hear Herman entering the washroom. She would have time to make sure there was a smile on her face before he opened the door.

Should she even tell Herman about Matthew? She’d felt sure at Mary’s place about the matter, but the question had been racing through her mind all the way home and even while she rushed to fix supper. Matthew had made them all late getting started with the Thanksgiving preparations, though he had left after the lunch Mary prepared. Then they were able to work quickly to catch up.

At least Matthew hadn’t tried to eat at the table with them. He had taken a seat without complaint in the living room with Mose and Laura. Ernest had taken his plate into the living room too, sitting in the recliner, which had helped keep the children’s questions at bay. Questions such as why their uncle wasn’t eating at the kitchen table with the rest of the family.

Susanna had even been a little thankful for the
bann
. Eating with Matthew sitting near her would have brought back too many memories of family gatherings where they had been seated side by side. Seated around tables and laughing with her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. A situation she had expected to be repeated a thousand times after she married Matthew. Which had turned out not to be.

Family gatherings…Her thoughts went back to this morning. Now some of those meals would never happen at all, given Herman’s feelings about Christmas. He would come to Thanksgiving and be happy with the rest of them, but on Christmas Day they would be home as if it were any other day.

So…did Herman really need to be told about Matthew? Would Herman think something was still going on between Matthew and her, even though there really wasn’t? Surely not. Herman wasn’t exactly the romantic type, so he wouldn’t be inclined to think anything was awry. She was, after all, married to him. And for that reason,
yah
, she needed to tell him. Wives shouldn’t keep such things from their husbands. Even harmless things that didn’t matter. This would be a chance to practice closeness with him.

Placing the last of the food on the table, Susanna paused to catch her breath. Everything looked perfect—just the way she wanted it. Now if Herman would just come in. She’d seen him heading to the barn not fifteen minutes ago. He should be done putting the horses up by now. Perhaps if she went out to meet him, he would hurry.

With a quick glance at the steaming food, Susanna rushed out the door. The air had chilled during the time she’d been home. She wrapped her arms around herself. She should have grabbed a coat, but, really, this will only take a moment. Running toward the barn, she pulled open the barn door. Herman was reaching for the lantern on the ceiling hook.

“Supper’s ready!” she sang out, smiling at him. “The food’s going to get cold if we wait.”

“I’m coming,” he said, returning her smile. He looked tired from his day’s work.

She drew close to him. Reaching out, she gently took the lantern from him and set it on the floor. Then taking his hands in hers, she noted they felt rough and cold. She rubbed them between hers.

Herman’s smile widened. “I thought you might still be sore at me.”

“Not really. Not enough to feed you a cold supper.”

His whiskers where he’d shaved had grown since this morning, and they would tickle tonight when he kissed her. But she liked that. His little stubble of a beard would soon reach down much further. The few weeks growth since the wedding hadn’t amounted to much yet.

When he didn’t say anything, she pulled him toward her, tilting her face up, looking into his eyes.

He gave in, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in close to him.

He did love her, there is no question about that, she thought as their kiss lingered.

“My!” he said, letting go. “I don’t think I need any supper after that.”

She laughed. “You’re not fooling me. A man has to have his supper. Unless you don’t like my food all of a sudden.”

“Next to your kisses, your cooking is the best thing in this world.”

“Oh you flatterer,” she teased. He didn’t always say things like that. So perhaps he was still trying to make up for this morning.

“It doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind since this morning.” He took her hand in his. “I still stand firm about Christmas.”

“I know you do. I guess every couple has to fight about something,” she said, pulling him toward the barn door.

“As long as you keep kissing me, I’ll settle for that,” he said, reaching down to grab the lantern and swinging it with his free hand.

“There will always be plenty of those.”

“You sure you’re not trying to butter me up? Tempt me into changing my mind?”

“We’re still honeymooners, Herman. Isn’t that reason enough for kisses?”

He answered with another quick kiss.

“Come.” She tried to pull him into a run toward the house. He laughed, playing along before dropping her hand and racing past her. She slipped on the cold ground but caught herself in time. He was already halfway to the house. Throwing herself forward into a fast sprint, she hurried. Herman was inside the washroom by the time she arrived. “That wasn’t fair!” she teased.

He laughed as he washed in the basin. She watched while he dried his face and hands.
Nee
, he isn’t quite as handsome as Matthew, but almost. A flush spread over her face at the thought. I’m not comparing Herman to Matthew, Susanna corrected herself silently. Not really. The thought came all by itself. It meant nothing. Thankfully, the lantern light wasn’t giving Herman a
gut
look at her face, especially if she stayed in the shadows. And if Herman did notice, hopefully he thought she was flushed from the quick run into the house.

Pushing past him, she went into the kitchen and took a quick look around. The food was probably a little cold by now, but they would make do. She had taken up more time by running out to the barn than she would have by waiting for Herman here, but it had been a
gut
idea—greeting Herman like that. Some things were more important than hot food.

“Sit!” she told him when he came through the doorway.

“Bossy, are we?”

“In the kitchen a woman is always in charge,” she said, joining him at the table.

“To that I can agree.”

He closed his eyes, a smile still on his face, and began praying the short prayer he usually gave at mealtimes. She listened, liking the sound of his voice. It wouldn’t grow old, she decided. Even after hearing it every day for whatever time
Da Hah
allowed them to live together as husband and wife.

“So how was your day?” he asked when he raised his head.

“Okay.” She tried to sound chirpy. Matthew would have picked up on the tension in her voice, but Herman didn’t seem to notice. He helped himself to the food, piling his plate high. She followed his example, although the portions were smaller on her plate.

“Not hungry?” he asked.

“Oh,
yah
, I’m hungry.”

“You must have worked hard with Mary on the Thanksgiving menu all afternoon.”

“We did. We were delayed some, so we had to rush.”

He was looking at her while he ate, and she knew now was the time to tell him about Matthew.

“You’re not expecting, are you?” he asked.

She jumped. “Not that I know of,” she said hurriedly.

He shrugged. “That can throw a woman off her food, I hear.”

“I do have something to tell you though,” she whispered.

A smile crept across his face. “So you suspect it then. Even if you don’t know for sure.”

“No, Herman. It’s something else. Matthew was visiting at Mary’s place today. He came in late last night. Mary didn’t have time to let me know, or I wouldn’t have gone over there.”

“Matthew?” Herman’s face was blank for a moment.

She looked away as his comprehension dawned. “Matthew Yoder is here? In the community? And you spoke with him?”

“I couldn’t help it, Herman. He was right there. I had to.”

After a long moment, he shrugged. “I guess there was no harm in it. He left you a long time ago.”

Silence settled over them.

After what seemed to her like forever, Susanna said, “I have forgotten him, Herman.” She softly touched his arm and looked at the stubble on his cheek.

He didn’t meet her gaze. “I know, Susanna. I trust you.”

“Herman, Matthew was a long time ago, just like you said. There’s nothing between us now. He just wanted to speak with me. He didn’t even know I was married.”

“And you told him?” He still wasn’t looking at her.

“Of course, Herman.”

“Is he gone?”

“
Yah
, he left right after lunch.”

“So he stayed at Mary’s for a meal. Isn’t he in the
bann?
”

Susanna nodded. “He ate in the living room while we ate in the kitchen. The children, they were with him. And Ernest went into the living room with his plate.”

Herman didn’t comment.

“Ernest is Matthew’s brother, Herman. They couldn’t just turn him out.”

He nodded. “
Yah
, I guess so.”

“You’re not jealous, are you, Herman?” She reached out for him again. “Because you don’t have to be.”

He smiled, touching her fingers. “I think any man would be jealous of you, Susanna. It’s just the way it is with us men.”

“But you don’t have to be.” She begged with her eyes for him to believe her.

He stood and kissed her on the forehead. “I figure I’m married to you and Matthew isn’t. Something for which I am most grateful.” He smiled.

“There…” She tried to kiss his cheek, but he had moved on. “I will always love you, Herman. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I’m jealous, not worried,” he said over his shoulder before disappearing into the living room.

At least he wasn’t upset. But she hadn’t done anything for which he should be upset. She loved Herman the best she could, and soon she would love him a whole lot more. Already her wish was coming true. She would just have to give him more kisses once she was done with the dishes. That would make up for the shock of Matthew’s appearance. Herman would like that.

H
erman had his head stuck deep in a farming magazine, but the words weren’t taking shape in front of his eyes. He was listening to the sound of Susanna cleaning up after dinner. The soft click of the dishes hitting each other blended with the splashing of water.

He ought to help Susanna, he thought, instead of sitting in here trying to read his magazine. But his
daett
had never done such a thing that he could remember, and he could hardly imagine Grandpa Wagler helping Grandma in the kitchen.

It wasn’t what men did. At least his
mamm
had always implied they didn’t. They worked hard in the fields all day. They came in at night to a well-prepared supper and rested so they would be fresh for another hard day’s work tomorrow. Women’s work was for women. That was what he had been taught. But now there were other feelings stirring in him. He wanted to help—more to be with Susanna than anything else. Surely drying the dishes for her wouldn’t be out of order. Maybe his
daett
had done the same thing when he had first married…before the babies started arriving.

He would try, he decided. If Susanna made a face at him, he could pretend he wanted a drink of water and beat a hasty retreat. She might be brooding in the kitchen even now over their argument about Christmas this morning.

The way she had been acting all evening wasn’t what he had expected. Even with her waving to him from the buggy. Susanna had been genuinely upset this morning. That was understandable in a way, but after all, he had warned her that Christmas was something his family didn’t celebrate. And they weren’t alone either. There were a few older families who agreed with his family. Some of these families traced their lineage clear back to the 1846 founding of the Amish community in Kalona, Iowa.