Susanna's Christmas Wish (5 page)

Back then, December the twenty-fifth was the
Englisha
time for celebrating the Christ child’s arrival. The Amish believed Old Christmas in January was the true date. But over the years, some of the families had changed their minds. Influenced by
Englisha
emotionalism,
Mamm
claimed. And the Wagler family was having nothing of it. January sixth was the real date, and the Waglers were holding their ground.

Of course,
Mamm
had never fully explained to him what holding the line would entail. Like telling Susanna they wouldn’t be attending her parents’ Christmas breakfast. Who would have thought so much emotion was involved? Last year Susanna could still go, even if he wasn’t with her. This year they were married, and it wouldn’t look right for Susanna to attend by herself.

Herman started to stand and head for the kitchen, but he paused to listen. All was silent now. Susanna must have finished. He had missed his chance tonight. Well, perhaps it was for the best. She might think he was changing his mind about the Christmas breakfast if he chose tonight to offer to help in the kitchen for the first time.

Herman settled back in his chair. Susanna would be out soon. Sitting on the couch near him, her presence comfortable and soothing. Already they made an excellent couple, he thought. Just like he always knew they would. He had even had such thoughts during the years she was dating Matthew. He had often caught his eyes going in her direction at the Sunday night hymn singings—even when he figured she was promised to another man.

Always he had kept himself in check, trying to drive thoughts of Susanna away. He had even thought to ask other girls home a few times, but he never got beyond the thinking stage. People said he was slow in making up his mind or, in unguarded moments, referred to the stubborn Wagler streak that all the family members were reported to have—an accusation not without justification.

Now he was sure it was
Da Hah
who had given him grace to keep waiting until the time was right. When Matthew left for the
Englisha
world, getting himself placed in the
bann
, Herman began to woo Susanna at once.

It hadn’t been easy though—the winning of Susanna’s heart. Susanna had said no the first three times he’d asked her home, but she agreed on the fourth try. Perhaps to shut him up, if nothing else. But then maybe not, because she allowed him back the next Sunday night…and the one after that.

He had taken his time, never pushing too hard. And Susanna had come around. The moment to ask her to become his
frau
became clear to him the night she first leaned against his shoulder in the buggy. But even then he had waited a few more weeks.

And when she said
yah
, he had even dared kiss her. His first kiss ever, although he was sure it wasn’t for her. Susanna seemed to know much more about kissing than he did. That was fine. He wasn’t a jealous man. He was a simple man who satisfied himself with the end result. And Susanna was now his
frau
. That was something Matthew couldn’t say, even if he had kissed Susanna first.

Herman looked toward the kitchen and listened again. It was still silent. Susanna should have been out by now. Should he go and see where she was?
Nee
, he decided, his thoughts drifting away again. It was best if he gave her time to think through things. This had, after all, been a difficult day for both of them. She would come in when she was ready.

The morning’s
kafuffle
had troubled him more than he wished. Not that he would change any of his actions. A man had to stand firm on his convictions or his family would end up who knew where. And surely there was going to be a family soon. Susanna would make a
wunderbah
mother, and he hoped to be a great
daett
for their children.

They would love each other. He had grown up in a loving family.
Daett
leading the way in a life that was pleasing to
Da Hah
, and
Mamm
supporting him. True,
Mamm
could be a little bossy sometimes. But all of them stood together against the many temptations the world had to offer. He wanted that kind of home. And from how Susanna was acting, she did also. Her brief anger had been just a momentary weakness that she was trying to overcome. He could tell, and he was thankful
Da Hah
had given him a
frau
he could truly love and cherish. That was a great gift indeed.

Maybe that was why Matthew’s visit troubled him more than he wanted to admit. He didn’t think it would bother him at first, but now he wondered. Did Susanna still have feelings for Matthew? In a way it would be understandable if she did. They had, after all, been together for a long time. Had he been hasty in rushing Susanna into marriage? He didn’t think he had pushed that hard. Yet what did he know about a woman’s heart? Maybe there was more to it than he knew.

And how did Matthew have enough nerve to show up like this—and to speak with Susanna? It sounded like the two had been quite free as they spoke with each other. Not that Susanna really said so, but he could tell by the sound of her voice. They had spoken at length. And about things that would have made him blush had he been there.

She had told Matthew she was married now. Did Susanna sound disappointed when she’d told him? Regretting perhaps that the handsome Matthew couldn’t be her husband? Wishing things had turned out differently? It would have been only natural if she had—and also understandable. But that didn’t mean Susanna had done those things. He must not accuse her regarding a falsehood without proof. Surely Susanna saw the value of life among the community. And she had chosen that life long before he’d made his desire to take her home known. He had made sure of that.

Nee
, Herman thought. Even if Matthew had shown up only to try his hand at luring Susanna into the world, it would never work. He was sure enough of Susanna not to worry about that. And surely Matthew didn’t have plans to rejoin the community. Or did he? Susanna would have mentioned that. He would have picked it up in her eyes if she expected to see Matthew again. But there had been none of that.

He really needed to trust Susanna. And he did trust her. But the kitchen was still silent. Laying the magazine aside, he quietly walked to the door opening. Susanna was leaning over the sink, all signs of the dishes gone, but she was still holding the drying cloth in her hands. She seemed fixed on something outside the window.

Walking in his stocking feet he slipped in beside her, pulling her close. He saw her face break into a smile out of the corner of his eye. But there were also tears on her cheeks.

“Is something wrong?” he asked. “I was waiting for you.”

“Just watching the stars. They’re really bright tonight.”

He leaned closer to the glass. “
Yah
, they are. Do you know much about the stars?”

She shook her head. “I just look at them sometimes. It seems like heaven comes closer in those moments.”

“I’m sorry about Christmas, Susanna. I know it must be bothering you. Is that why you’re crying?”

Her response was to lean against his shoulder.

“I have to do what I think is right.”

“I know,” she choked out. “But it’s so hard, Herman. I’ll be the only one from the family who’s not there when
Daett
reads the story of the Christ child’s birth. And when we sing ‘Silent Night.’ It’s not even in English, Herman. That song was first written in German. Celebrating Christmas is not drifting into the world like your parents think.”

“We can’t go,” he said, not relaxing his hand. And she didn’t stiffen at his words. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have to lead our family in the way I was taught.”

She leaned into him and sobbed on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her hair, pushing back her
kapp
.

“I’m trying hard to see things your way, Herman,” she whispered. “So don’t hold my tears against me.”

“I don’t,” he said. “I understand.”

“You do?” She looked up at him.

“Maybe not completely. But I’m trying.”

She nestled against him again. “I’ve made my own Christmas wish, Herman. Do you want to hear it?”

He hesitated but soon whispered, “
Yah
.”

“That I will completely see things your way by the time Christmas gets here. I think
Da Hah
will help me. Even if I shed a few tears along the way. Because you’re the best husband I could ever have.”

“You shouldn’t say that,” he said, touching her cheeks. Not adding the question that flew through his mind. Even Matthew? Susanna had a golden heart, and he should not defile her mind with accusations that were not true.

“I will say them as often as I wish,” she said. “Come, I’ll make popcorn tonight. It’s not that late, and you can enjoy your magazine better while eating popcorn.”

“I was reading just fine,” he protested.

Susanna smiled. “Really? I think you were sitting there thinking…. just like I was in here.”

He dropped his head. “
Yah
, I was.” She could read his thoughts much too easily.

“Then we will be happy now and thankful for each other. I have been blessed with a very
gut
husband.”

“You are too
wunderbah
for me,” he said.

She shook her head and then said, “Go now. I’ll be there in a little bit with heaping bowls of popcorn.”

T
he late-morning sun peeked through the fast-moving clouds as Herman and Susanna drove toward her sister Mary’s place. Bishop Jacob was walking from the barn to his house, and he waved as they went past, his face wearing a broad smile.

He would be happy knowing Herman and she were working through their problems, Susanna thought as she returned his wave. Not that she would ever tell him about them, but if he did somehow find out, Bishop Jacob would doubtlessly approve.

She glanced up at Herman’s face as he drove down the slope of a hill. His beard was growing longer by the day, as if it had been waiting for years to escape the razor. He was looking more handsome all the time, she decided.

“A little chilly this morning,” Herman said, giving Susanna more of the buggy blanket.

“
Yah
,” she said, nestling up against him, all warm and cozy under the warm covering.

“Looks like snow,” Herman commented as he noted the clouds ahead of them.

Susanna snuggled closer. “It’s cold but a little early to keep snowing. It’s only Thanksgiving.”

Herman stuck his head out the buggy door, laughing as a few flakes came floating out of the sky to whirl past his hat.

“Those were snowflakes indeed!” Herman pulled his head back in. “Early or not.”

“Christmas will be here soon,” Susanna added without thinking.

He didn’t say anything, and Susanna stayed snuggled up against him. She didn’t wish to start this argument again this morning. Not on Thanksgiving Day…and not ever, really. She was going to learn from her husband’s good sense in keeping to the old ways. That was all there was to it.

And there was so much to be thankful for on this day, and for all the days of the year. Herman was already providing well for her. He had worked steadily on his fall plowing yesterday, even as Bishop Jacob and his son-in-law completed theirs. In a few days Herman would be done. Quite an accomplishment for a young married farmer just starting out on his own. That Herman would be finishing so soon after experienced people such as Bishop Jacob and his son-in-law was impressive.

“I have a lot to be thankful for,” Susanna said out loud, just in case Herman was still thinking about her Christmas comment.

“We both have a lot to be thankful for.” Herman smiled down at her.

Apparently he wasn’t upset with her. She hadn’t said a word about Christmas since that evening by the sink earlier in the week.

Ahead of them Mary’s place came into view. Susanna sat up straight, and the buggy blanket on her side slid to the floor.

“I can’t believe this!” she whispered.

“Believe what?”

There, alongside the barn, was Matthew’s car. It was unbelievable! He wasn’t even making an attempt at hiding it behind the barn today. How was she going to explain this to Herman? The whole day was ruined or worse. How did Matthew dare do something like this?

Herman was looking around, his face puzzled, his grip tight on the reins.

“That’s Matthew’s car beside the barn,” Susanna explained.

Herman didn’t say anything at first. He looked the bright blue car over as they approached.

“Did you know about this?” he finally asked.

“
Nee
. I thought Matthew was gone for good.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to deal with him.” Herman turned into the driveway.

“Like how?” Susanna glanced up at her husband’s face, wild thoughts racing through her mind. Did Herman plan to cause a scene and chase Matthew off? He had admitted being jealous, and she could understand that. But making a scene wasn’t something her family did.

A slight smile played on his face. “I’m not going to do anything rash, so don’t worry.”