Television Can Blow Me (7 page)

Men like Everard, a 48 year-old computer technician who is in a long-term relationship with his doll Virginia. As her latex tits point up at him from the bed he says “She just lies there. (The dolls) are very static. They don’t react at all”. Oh no fucking shit? I was expecting her to be doing the can-can. He insists that having the doll is “certainly better than going without any female company at all” something which he at least seems to have extensive knowledge of.

With Everard you are struck by the sheer banality of his perversion. He’s quite up front that his doll hobby exists because he can’t get any real ass. But Virginia certainly gets out a fair amount - Everard is a keen hang-glider and she sits patiently in his car, head assiduously turned in his general direction as he glides over hill and dale.

Everard can’t understand why women aren’t impressed by his hang-gliding. “I would expect women to be naturally attracted to the types of blokes who do exciting things” he says in his turdly nasal monotone. It’s all in the delivery, Everard. “Here I am, a superhero but it’s deemed irrelevant”. I wouldn’t worry too much - The Silver Surfer had his women troubles too. You didn’t catch him porking puppets on the quiet.

Costing around £4,000 each it’s not surprising that the men see them as a long-term commitment. In America, Mike owns eight which is enough for a volleyball team with a couple of substitutes. Unlike most real doll enthusiasts, Mike dates real women and he’s recently hooked up with Jody, a woman he met through the internet. “As soon as he saw this” said Jody, pointing to a barely visible nose stud “He knew I was open-minded”. Shit girl, it’s all about scale. A chick having a nose stud merely means you might be able to get a blowjob without giving three weeks’ notice. Your man’s fucking the cast of Malibu Barbie: The Porn Years. Sporting a piercing last considered outré in 1957 ain’t preparing you for this.

But with admirable faith in human nature, Mike invites Jody to his birthday party where he will introduce the full extent of his obsession. She enters his house to be greeted by two of his dolls, fully dressed but with panties showing, legs splayed, comedy breasts and sporting party hats. “I need a beer” is her understandable response. After some discussion and getting used to the idea she says “I’m perfectly fine with it”. A week later she ends the relationship. It seems the Sisterhood Of Nose Piercing just didn’t have what it took. Shame.

Contemplate the real doll. She sits there, mute and glaring. You can never have anything in common. She can never love you and your love for her is an illusion. You can’t have a proper conversation, can’t ever ask her opinion, can’t relate to her as a real human - she is simply a very expensive cumbucket.

Let’s be honest - we’ve all had girlfriends like that.

The verdict on Guys And Dolls:
“I’m a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic”.

Marks out of 10:
7

Cutting Edge: My Kid’s Psychic

Children make things up. It’s a thing they do before they develop a moral sense and can fully distinguish between fantasy and reality. They rely upon their parents to interpret this the correct way and quietly tell them that it’s wrong to tell fibs and that no one in life likes a bullshitter. Of course, if the parent ignores the lies or, worse still, actively encourages them, then you’re left with a situation where the child wields a huge amount of power over the parent, the tail wags the dog and that never ends well.

Yes, it’s My Kid’s Psychic, folks - just another non-judgmental look at lunatics from the nation’s TV makers. The “documentary” followed a pair of useless parents Nicola and Simone on their deluded quest to prove that their children have psychic ability. Replete with pink hair and tattooed tit, Nicola is the kind of insane menopausal New Age flagcracker you can’t move for round my way. She believes her 15 year-old daughter Heather to have great psychic and healing abilities. Heather used to see strange things as a child, though we’ll have to take Nicola’s word for this as Heather doesn’t remember seeing anything.

Nicola had seven miscarriages before she had her children. She now believes that her miscarried foetuses live with them in the house. “If some things are missing from the room we know the children have taken them.” Oh for the love of fuck.

The Gifted One, Heather, is obviously loving the attention and keen to develop her psychic abilities. Brother Christopher is less convinced. He is asked “Do you think your mother’s making it all up?”

“Yes.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Mid-life crisis.”

No stranger myself to delivering the verbal Mexican liver punch, I must immediately take my hat off to this young man for his devastating matricidal response. Getting to the heart of his mother’s pathology in a two-word phrase and it was not even the more obvious “loopy cunt”. Maybe she’s not such a terrible parent after all if she produced him?

But Nicola is not alone in her lunacy as we find out when we are introduced to Simone and Oliver. Oliver, 8, sees dead people - like the kid in The Sixth Sense. The truth is more prosaic. Oliver’s the thick kid at school and Simone can’t believe that she’s raised a dummy. “He twitches and starts running in circles.” Yes, that’s because your kid is fucking mental. Keep him away from other kids for the love of God. Oliver was diagnosed with ADDH and put on Ritalin but Simone has taken him off the drug because it upsets her. “I’m on a quest to find out what’s wrong with Oliver”. He’s a lunatic - just like his mother. Quest over.

Oliver, of course, is also fucking loving the attention. Though as the cameras roll and his mother shamelessly prompts him to come up with some visions, Oliver steadfastly refuses, preferring to lie down for a kip. “Yeah, the spirits are making me go to sleep now mom”

“Isn’t that strange?” Simone asks the camera crew. Strange doesn’t begin to cover it, sister.

When not favouring her idiot daughter over her intelligent son, Nicola gives pisspoor cold readings on the Destiny Channel and runs courses promoting the development of indigo and crystal children - children who New Age types believe have psychic powers and are an evolutionary leap forward. Yes, they really, really are.

When she was little, Nicola’s parents didn’t believe in her psychic abilities, what with them not existing and all, and she’s plainly never forgiven them. She’s working out her issues through children and she’s a controversial figure even among the crystal worshipping indigo freaks. There’s a suppressed hatred of children at work here - a resentment of their potential and a twisted desire to control them and put them to work for her own needs. It’s vile.

It’s obvious to anyone that Nicola is a sick piece of shit who should be locked up in a rubber room for a long, long time. But all Cutting Edge can do is play moody Sapphire and Steel background music and sit on the fucking fence. Cutting Edge, when are you actually going to do a number on these cunts and actually have the balls to stand by it? Do the documentary, take the stance, put your tin hat on and take the shit when it comes. You don’t believe this woman is a harmless idiot - you think that she’s a dangerous fuck.

Well fucking say so.

The verdict on Cutting Edge: My Kid’s Psychic:
Just another cop-out.

Marks out of 10:
3

Inside Waco

I guess what we can all agree on is that a bunch of children being burnt alive was a bad thing. They didn’t ask to be there with these god-awful freaks - you don’t choose your parents after all. If you did then Apple Martin Paltrow would have opted for a less toxic pair of parents (Rose and Fred West perhaps). So yes, barbecued infants: bad. And it can’t have been much more fun for the adults but at least they were 100% responsible for the unholy fuck up they had created in the name of Armageddon and selling out their humanity to a spiritual huckster.

Inside Waco was a revealing look at the colossal Waco fuck up of 1993. Dramatic reconstruction and news footage from the time portrayed the events when a raid by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms on the Branch Davidian compound went badly wrong and a resulting siege made things about 10 times worse. The raid left four agents and six Davidians dead. A fire that ended the siege killed 80. By anyone’s standards, not a stellar chapter in the FBI’s history.

Inside the compound, David Koresh was accepted as the second coming of Christ. He preached polygamy for himself and abstinence for everyone else. He raped children of 12 and 13 with their parents’ consent and fathered children with them. He accumulated an impressive arsenal of rifles and illegal automatic weapons. The sound of gunfire from the firing ranges was an ever-present feature of the compound and it was this that initially alerted the authorities to the potential dangers at Mount Carmel.

As ever, the problem with these programmes is that the frauds who followed Koresh were spoken to like they were normal human beings, victims of some horrible circumstance beyond their control. Surviving Branch Davidians effortlessly assume the moral high ground against the FBI which must come easily to people whose big moral statement in life is colluding with a paedophile. Yes, let’s dog the people who try to enforce democratically legislated law but let’s go easy on the people who pimped out their wives and children to the baby rapist.

There’s a big debate about which side first opened fire. I don’t know whether the FBI fired the first shot. I don’t care. There was a Book Of Revelation quoting paedophile armed to the gills surrounded by unquestioning stormtroopers - people who had already whored out their families. The FBI were entirely entitled to shoot at any one who was armed. Apocalyptic death cults aren’t big on the sanctity of life.

The verdict on Inside Waco:
Widespread death with no lessons learned.

Marks out of 10:
7

Old Enough To Be His Mother

Aerial Telly doesn’t make judgments. That’s not his stilo. We regularly run non-judgmental pieces on all kinds of perverts: porno perverts, sister fuckers, celeb shaggers - we’ve had them all in our lair. So it was only a matter of time before we got round to CRADLE SNATCHING SLUTS or as official channel of Aerial Telly Channel 5 preferred it Old Enough To Be His Mother, part of their Hidden Lives series.

It looked at women married to men at least 20 years their junior and talked to the weirdos about the challenges they faced and the ups and downs of being a filthy deviant.

The star couple were 70 year-old scrote Edna and her 31 year-old lantern-jawed turd of a husband Simon who seemed to be some kind of organ playing God-botherer though this was never made explicit.

In one of the most gratuitously offensive scenes ever screened, Simon and Edna make out naked in the shower. It looked as if Simon was wrestling a giant animatronic melting Madame Tussauds waxwork. The spliced-up off cuts of the works of David Cronenberg contain nothing this horrifying.

Edna is plainly delighted with herself - she’s never acted her age, she tells us, so why start now? And the grannyfucker is clearly getting some kind of perverse pleasure from it so who are we to judge?*

Simon was a virgin before meeting Edna so he probably thinks this is normal. I suppose somebody could tell him that there are women around his own age whose tits are both in the same postal code but what would that achieve? Ignorance is bliss and this pair of bastards seem happy enough.