The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (33 page)

Was it just a few bats treading on the wild side?
After witnessing this act in the wild, the researchers observed captive animals Incredibly, 70 percent of the female bats performed fellatio—and with great rewards. Frisky females received sex for twice as long, doubling intercourse time from two minutes to more than four! And the males never withdrew while the lady was providing extra stimulation.

Is this batty behavior really so rare and strange? Unfortunately the literature doesn’t say. You won’t find the answer in any Google Scholar search. Traditional science is reluctant to study sex, but Bruce Bagemihl, an
independent
scholar and author, is not a traditional scientist.

Bagemihl scoured the scientific literature for data left out of the main findings and interviewed researchers to uncover data that was absent from the literature altogether. His book, based on ten years of avid research, rocked the reproductive biology world.
Biological Exuberance: Animal Sexuality and Natural Diversity
revealed that nonbreeding behavior is common in hundreds of animals. From sheep to vampire bats, 470 species have been observed engaged in masturbation, fellatio, homosexuality, or other nonbreeding sexual behavior. In contrast to the short-nosed fruit bats, however, most instances were same-sex encounters or experimentation between playful juveniles, and not a regular part of adult heterosexual coupling.

Nonreproductive sex raises questions—as well as eyebrows—especially if it is commonplace. According to Darwinian evolution theory, animals are instruments for gene propagation, so why waste energy on pointless sexual pursuits? Try as one might, it is difficult to ascribe any direct evolutionary benefit to “batty behavior.” But if there is no reproductive benefit, why is kinky sex so popular?

Primate experience might provide some insight. In the majority of human matings, there is no ostensible tie with reproduction. We have no cues to show we are ovulating, so we do it throughout a woman’s reproductive cycle, we do it long after we cease being fertile, and we do it all for pleasure. Bonobos aren’t much different. Of their sexual liaisons, 75 percent happen when the females are not fertile, lending credence to the idea that sex is partly driven by pleasure. In fact, some bold researchers argue that pleasure itself provides a huge incentive to engage in sex frequently (well,
duh
) and the more often an animal has sex, the greater the chance that a bun is rising in the oven.

Well and good for primates, but why
do
female fruit bats
spend their precious time performing fellatio? Maybe bats are doing it for fun, and maybe not. There might be more practical reasons for their oral obsession. The authors speculate that fellatio might prolong mating by maintaining the erection and increasing lubrication, which in turn may facilitate sperm transport. Longer mating also keeps the male occupied and away from rival ladies. And hygiene may play a role—saliva has antimicrobial properties and may protect against diseases. Some bat species lick themselves post-coitus, presumably for this reason.

There are also less obvious benefits beyond enhancing reproduction. Consider those playful bonobo chimps, who will purportedly have intimate relations regardless of age, gender, location, or time. Research suggests that their “loose” behavior reduces social tensions, enhances bonding, and resolves conflicts in their large, close community. Fondling a friend helps a bonobo gain access to resources (“I like your banana and I’m willing to give you fellatio for it”) or turn an enemy into an ally. This indirectly improves reproductive success.

Whether frisky fruit bats are fellating for social leverage, for fun, or for fecundity remains unclear. But it does provide a thought-provoking example of nonbreeding behavior in animals, and might encourage open-mindedness about the issue. Scientists will have to keep spying—in the middle of the night and in strange places—to uncover the diversity and meaning of it all. Until then, let the festivities continue.

 

FURTHER READING:

Bruce Bagemihl,
Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity
(New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1999), 768.

Frans De Waal,
Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 1997), 200.

Jared Diamond,
Why Is Sex Fun?: The Evolution of Human Sexuality
(New York: Basic Books, 1997), 176.

M. Tan, G. Jones, G. Zhu, J. Ye, T. Hong, et al., “Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time,” PLoS ONE 4 (2009), 10,
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0007595

“Now, tell me these stories don’t make you feel superior!”

—typical Fan mail

 

Double trouble, double delight, double dipping in the gene pool. Six astounding and rare Double Darwins and At-Risk Survivors, from a chaste cleric to a criminal caper, from upping the ante on fun to raising the stakes on a feud . . . Are you willing to risk it all and
double down?

 

Adelir Antonio, fifty-one, was not so lucky.

 

 

 

20 APRIL 2008, ATLANTIC OCEAN A Catholic priest ’s audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight succeeded, he set a record beyond his wildest dreams . . . The priest literally ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure. In 1982, Larry Walters attached forty-five huge weather balloons to his lawn chair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether—but instead of drifting above Los Angeles’s backyard “babescape” as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the tremendous lift of the balloons. Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight, inspiring the movies
Deckchair Danny
,
Up!
and Father Adelir Antonio, fifty-one.

This priest’s audacious attempt to set a world record (currently, nineteen hours ) for clustered balloon flight was dreamed up to publicize his plan to build spiritual rest stops for truckers. More rest stops are sorely needed, as sure as sore bums need rest. But as truckers know, sitting put for nineteen hours is no trivial matter, even in the comfort of a decked-out lawn chair.

The priest did take numerous precautions: wearing a survival suit; packing a buoyant chair, a satellite phone, and GPS. However, the late A.A. made a fatal mistake. He did not learn how to use one important safety feature: the GPS.

Once he was well aloft the wind changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land
but chose not to.
When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help—but rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the cell phone batteries dwindled and died.

Over the next few weeks, bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches—indications that God had guided him straight to heaven! Ultimately the priest’s body surfaced, confirming that he had indeed “paid a visit to the boss.”

The kicker? It’s a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy and
voluntarily remove themselves
from the gene pool. The entire group earns a mass Darwin Award, so . . . Father Antonio wins twice!

 

Reference:
globo.com
,
Sydney Morning Herald
,

Associated Press, and numerous others