The Dream Sourcebook: A Guide to the Theory and Interpretation of Dreams (41 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sourcebook: A Guide to the Theory and Interpretation of Dreams
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in a number of ways. For one thing, just sharing the sexual or erotic dream itself can enable you to overcome inhibitions and increase your sexual enjoyment. Dreams can also bring to light sexual needs you might be afraid to express or admit. And remember, nothing is just as it seems in dreams, so an erotic or sexual dream about someone other than a partner, even a parent or member of the same sex, is often merely an expression of your acceptance or interest in communing with the parent or same-sex part of yourself, and not necessarily an expression of hidden desires for the actual person. Keep this in mind as your partner recounts his or her dreams, and never express disapproval of your partner's sexual choices in dreams. Instead, become curious about them, and think of them as gifts of insight and intimacy.
Couples need not wait for a dream to "happen" to themthey can seek out a solution by incubating a dream using some of the techniques in chapter 6. Jointly programming both of your dreaming minds to address a particular issue is a practice we call co-dreaming. Phyllis Koch-Sheras and her husband, Peter Sheras, suggest in
The Dream Sharing Sourcebook
that you talk to your partner about the issue or problem before going to bed: "Ask each other questions about it: What goal do we want to achieve? What are the obstacles to reaching it? Now, come to some agreement about a concise statement or question that describes your concerns, and what you hope a dream will make clear to you. Brainstorm together to see what dream messages you can decipher."
A couple with young children used this process during a vacation, when they wanted to create more available time for each other and their children. They agreed to incubate their dreams to discover a solution, and to work together to interpret the dreams after they had occurred. In a dream one of them had, each child appeared with a twin, suggesting to the couple that
 
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the children could be twice as helpful as they had been, giving the family four people to help out instead of two. Delegating routine chores among the four family members meant more free time. They put their idea into action immediately, and packing up to go home was much more efficient, giving everyone more time to enjoy the last hours of their trip together.
Couples dreamwork is not all about problem solving and conflict resolution. Dreams also contain messages of closeness and connection, and it is just as important to highlight those. Dreams may lead you to see special areas in your relationship that you may not have noticed or acknowledged in the past. When you have a nice dream about your partnerin which he or she is loving, protective, triumphant, sexy, whateverlet your partner know. When your partner shares such a dream with you, take it as a gift, and bring it into your waking life in some concrete ways. You may find some wonderful opportunities for living out the fantasies of your dreams!
Dreamwork with Children
Much has been written about ways to forge the bond between parent and child. Throughout your child's life, from babyhood on, dependence and rebellion ebb and flow like the tide. Through it all, you want to stay close to your child, to understand his or her needs, emotionally and physically, and to do what you can to meet them. Your child's dreams are a world of symbolic images that offer clues you can discuss and analyze together whenever you wish. Valuing your child's dreams encourages self-expression and provides an easy point of departure for a discussion of any number of issues. As soon as your children are old enough to tell you what they have dreamed, you can begin to discuss dreams with them.
 
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Particularly where nightmares are concerned, looking for hints of conflict and confusion is part of being a concerned parent. Take your child's nightmare experience seriously, and listen carefully as he or she expresses fear. Nightmares are extraordinarily vivid, and the emotions in them are real, particularly to a child too young to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Indeed, some 40 percent of the dreams children remember are nightmares, and they may be dealing with some important developmental issues through them, so it's simply not enough to say to them, "Go back to sleep, it was only a dream."
Indeed, there is much to gain from listening to your children's dreams. One little boy, for instance, at age three had a dream that allowed the family to address issues surrounding the pending birth of a second child. He dreamed his mother was a "scary clown" with a painted face and one big nipple on her neck. In the dream, both son and father tell the clown to go away. Talking about the dream together led the mother to ask the boy whether he thought she would have enough "milk"time, energy, and lovefor the whole family after the new baby was born. Imagine their surprise when their son said, "No, I think there won't be enough for the baby!" This comment clued both parents in to the child's feelings of jealousy, and his desire to keep the baby "in its place.'' As a family, they were able to work through these issues in anticipation of conflict.
A child's night terror is something else entirely. During these episodes, a child may not remember any dream details, instead reporting or displaying a general feeling of extreme fear. He or she may scream, make choking sounds, sweat, or feel paralyzed, sensations that can be terrifying in and of themselves. "This disorder upsets parents more than the victim, who usually does not remember the event," writes Patricia Garfield in
Your Child's Dreams
, "[however] any actions parents can take to increase the
 
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child's sense of security and well-being [in waking life] are worthwhile." If the child exhibits these symptoms without waking up, let him or her sleep through it if possible. Experts advise against asking the wakened child to explore any associations to it, urging parents to comfort and calm the child until he or she returns to sleep. You might give some thought yourself to any areas of conflict or anxiety in the child's life, but rather than discuss your concerns with your child, simply assure the child that everything is all right, and it's safe to go back to bed. Night terrors generally disappear by the teenage years. Experts believe treatment is ineffective and may only serve to make the child anxious. Patience, they say, is the best cure.
Perhaps the best way to encourage your children to talk freely about their dreams is to share some of yours on a regular basis. Tell them a dream, talk about the feelings the dream gave you, and what new things you learned from the dream. Hearing you express your genuine emotionsexcitement, joy, fear, sadnesssends the message that it's okay to feel these things, in dreams and in waking life. Of course, you'll want to consider your child's age and level of maturity when choosing which dreams to share. And never leave those scary, sad, or angry feelings hanging out there unresolved; instead, seek to express some clarity or new understanding, showing your child that even an unpleasant dream has something worthwhile to offer. Where there is an especially disturbing ending, you might consider using the technique of changing the dream to complete the messageperhaps create a happy ending with your child's input that resolves the disturbance.
If there is a message you wish to convey to your child, you could use a relevant dream as a starting point for discussion. One father dreamed he was at a lake with the family; when the children dive in and sink, he and his wife try in vain to find
 
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Figures 9.1, 9.2:
These dream drawings were made during a children's dreamwork
 session with co-author Phyllis Koch-Sheras, who suggested that
 the children invent a dream helper character who could assist and
 protect them in their dreams.
 
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them. The dream recalled a recent incident in which one of the children, who at age two could not swim, had jumped into a pool. The father had jumped in to save him, but his feeling of panic remained, surfacing again in the dream. Recounting the dream to his children was an excellent way to express his fear, and convey the seriousness of water safety to them. Together, they added an ending in which the father rescues both children. They also agreed to arrange for swimming lessons as soon as possible.
Psychological interpretation may seem like a tall order for most children. But when discussed in simple terms, emotions are an appropriate topic even with young children; talking about dream emotions is good practice for identifying and managing emotions in waking life. Making dreamwork into imaginative play is a good way to encourage this special kind of storytelling, and that's where some of the more playful approaches to dream interpretation come in handy. Your child can dialogue with dream characters or act out the dream, then talk about how it feels to do so.
Many of the dreamwork exercises we have discussed are appropriate for children. Children of any age can keep a dream journal; if they are too young to write, you can transcribe their dream stories, leaving room if you wish for accompanying dream drawings. Dream drawings or collages can also stand alone, of course. Sometimes, your children may wish to write stories or make drawings based on dreams, changing their endings or creating new adventures with the same characters or settings. They may also enjoy creating a dream helper whose assistance they can enlist before going to sleep or while in the dream; a teddy bear makes a good dream helper, but so does an imagined character; ask them who they would like their dream helper to be. Page 250 shows some illustrations children have done in response to this
 
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ideaas part of a children's dream workshop Phyllis Koch-Sheras conducts in which children invent a character called ''Dreamme" as their personal dream helper and protector.
Dreamwork is fun. Children don't need to know it is also "good for them." It's enough for
you
to know that it is good for them, and for you, too. Your children's dream play can clue you in to the issues they face as they grow and change. What's more, dreamwork is an enjoyable family activity that can become a lifelong tradition. Over time, your children will begin to appreciate and nurture their own inner lives, looking to their dreamworlds for answers when their waking worlds offer none, and enjoying their dream adventures rather than discounting them or, worse, fearing their outcomes. Together, family dreamworkers can nurture, support, and learn from one another.
Working With a Group
Unlike the Senoi, we don't usually have the chance to participate in regular, structured dreamwork sessions as part of our daily lives. But where there's a will, there's a way, and we encourage you to think about ways to explore dreams with friends, neighbors, co-workers, church or synagogue members, or other groups. Whether it's a one-time dream storytelling session or a regular meeting with a set format, working with some kind of dream group has much to offer. As they say, two heads are better than one; more heads can be even better. Your fellow dreamworkers can listen to your dream, observe your body posture as you recount it, ask questions, allow you to dialogue with them as the dream characters, play out your different dream roles, and give you feedback on how they felt when they were acting out these different people or objects.
As psychologist Montague Ullman points out in the intro-
 
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duction to his book on group dreamwork,
Working with Dreams
, people who are not "personally involved" in a dream can more freely associate to the symbols in the dream because, he says, "they do not have to deal with the consequences of their reading." Where you, the dreamer might downplay an association to a symbol for fear of having to confront it head on, a group member might tread freely into this somewhat dangerous territory, without the inhibitions the dreamer would feel. Nor are your fellow dreamworkers hampered by the same prejudices or past experiences that you are.
If you are interested in becoming part of a dream group, you might first check local resources to find out whether there is an existing group with an opening (contact psychological associations, check for a flier at your local library, inquire at a nearby university or community college, and ask around!). Or start your own group. It's not as hard as it sounds. You could invite friends or professionals who might be interested in dreams, distribute fliers around college campuses or the town center, or send a press release listing an introductory meeting in a public place, open to all who are interested.
At your first meeting, begin by discussing these questions:
1. What does each person want from the group?
2. Does anyone have experience with working in a dream group?
3. Will the group limit the number of members? How long will the meetings be? (We recommend four to eight regular members meeting one and a half to four hours per session.)
4. How often will you meet? (Regular sessions help to build a rapport and keep everyone interested.)

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