The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (10 page)

Luke handed me a gift from Ricky, to rub more salt into the wound. It was a football with a face drawn on it like the one Tom Hanks had for company in
Castaway
.

I put the taro on to cook and tried doing some of my crosswords by torchlight, but my brain wasn’t working as well as it normally does. I enjoy working on these at home, but it just
wasn’t the same in these conditions. I struggled to answer the question ‘American version of prawn (6)’. I tried the taro. It was pretty tasteless and burnt.

Just as I was thinking of having an early night to get this experience over and done with, I heard the sound of a boat engine and saw someone pointing a flashlight at us. Luke went off to see
what they wanted. He then came back with a couple of slices of steak he had sorted out for us earlier. He thought it was only fair, as the day had been a total wash-out. I used the shovel I had
brought to cook them on. At the time it tasted like the best steak I’d ever eaten.

I was finally dry, warm and full. That’s all I need to keep me happy. I knew I was happy ’cos my brain even worked out the answer to the crossword question. It was
‘shrimp’.

People always use the ‘Is the glass half full or half empty?’ question to find out if you’re an optimist or a pessimist. I think it’s hard to tell how
full a glass is these days with the amount of ice most pubs put in your glass, but Suzanne tells me I’m a half-empty sort of person, which makes me a pessimist. I agree, I am a bit of a
pessimist. I’ve been one from a young age. Me mam said I learned to frown years before I could walk. The first time she saw me smile she thought I had wind.

When I was told stories as a kid the pessimism was there even then ’cos I never believed me mam when she finished a story with ‘And they all lived happily ever after’.
‘No, they didn’t. I don’t believe it,’ I’d say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little
accident and died. Shit happens. That’s life, innit. No great life story, or love interest, just a dead egg. But I heard they’ve messed with this story now, as I have mates with kids
who sing a new song that goes:

What’s going on! Kids are struggling with basic spelling and maths, and yet they’re putting more effort into the Humpty Dumpty case than they did with OJ Simpson. I don’t know
how Humpty Dumpty ends these days. I’ll have to buy the box set.

Anyway, me being pessimistic, I just expect the worst, so when it happens I’m prepared. Isn’t that the right way to live? Why else do we all wear seatbelts when we get in a car? I
mention being pessimistic as I imagine this is how most Russians would be. It’s not a country where you hear about people going off to for a good laugh, is it? I read that when
McDonald’s opened branches in Russia they treated it like all their other shops and asked the staff to smile at the customers, but it didn’t go down well as people in Russia don’t
smile at strangers. It’s something saved for friends and family.

The flight to Moscow only took three hours, but then we were held for a further six hours because we had to write down a list of every piece of equipment the film crew were bringing into the
country. Even though I’m a pessimist I thought the day couldn’t get any worse, but then I met Pascha, a bearded man who spoke in a breathless irritated way. He would be giving me a
quick tour of Russia in his old Range Rover that was covered in mud and had dodgy brakes. I told him my reason for being in Russia and asked if he had been on the Trans-Siberian Railway.

I never understand why people stay in a job they really hate. Yes, we all have to make money to pay the bills, but if you hate your job so much you’ve got to get out.