The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (7 page)

W
HILE SUPERNATURAL EXPLANATIONS
provide surprisingly irrefutable evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is (1) present in the universe, and (2) actively using His Noodly Appendage to spread goodness and affordable nutrition to the true believers, it is important to provide quantifiable evidence in support of our claims. As such, we have devised a scientific test as proof of His existence. This test is both repeatable and easily verifiable by a third party, and the Church of the FSM encourages all doubters to use the following
experimental evidence
to prove to themselves what we already know to be true.

It has been suggested that the communion served by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will lead to better and more long-lasting nutritional benefits than, say, the Christian communion. Through deductive reasoning, this can be taken to provide evidence of His Noodliness.

As support for this thesis, we selected two subjects
¹
of average height, weight, and intelligence. We then placed them on a seventy-two-hour fast in order to reduce outside factors. After seventy-two hours, one subject was given the Christian communion, consisting of a paper-thin wafer. The other subject was given the FSM communion, consisting of a large portion of spaghetti and meatballs.

Both subjects had their vitals recorded before and after communion. Upon completion of the test, the Christian was found to be listless, with decreased heart rate, body temperature, and brain function. The Pastafarian recorded increased heart rate, body temperature, and brain function, commenting that he felt “full,” which we interpreted to mean
whole.
²

Some may say that 1,200 calories of spaghetti versus 2 calories of wafer do not make a fair and valid experiment, and they may have a point.
³
We have sought to keep the experiment as close to a realistic communion setting as possible, but in the interest of science, we’ve devised an additional experiment, whereby each subject receives the same total number of calories. Our findings were that the Christian became violently ill upon consuming 2,500 calories in wafers (or 1,250 wafers)
⁴
while the Pastafarian continued to show increased vitals, thus illustrating His Noodly Presence.

Sacrilicious

T
he more we learn about the world around us, the more we see that life and the universe were created in His image. From interconnected forces on the grandest of scales, down to matter’s tiniest bits, we see His Noodliness in everything To illustrate this, we have devised the following simple recipe
.

Life

INGREDIENTS

Boiling water

Elementary particles made from “string”

Salt

Life evolved from hot, boiling springs
.

Before the Flying Spaghetti Monster made life, He had to first make the elementary particles that would eventually compose all matter as we know it. This was a very complicated process, but we have developed a much simpler method, one that you can try at home. First, take a piece of subatomic “string,” which naturally is just an incredibly small strand of wet spaghetti, so tiny that it cannot be seen by even the most powerful of microscopes. Next, give the string a unique vibration. Now repeat, giving each new string a different vibration so as to create more unique particles. Congratulations! You have created particles of matter. Be sure to collect the particles into a secure vessel for later use.

Now we are ready to make life. In order to
re-create
the steaming “primordial broth” that originally spawned life, you must first bring your water to a heavy boil. Salt liberally. Now add your elementary particles and wait about an hour.
¹
When you begin to see small spiral components forming—they will resemble fusilli when they’re ready—that means you’re almost there. Remember not to drain the water! Now apply intense overhead heat for about an hour.
²

Continue boiling and applying intense overhead heat. Eventually, you will begin to see small “organisms” appearing in your broth. Give yourself a pat on the back: You’ve created life!

Artist rendition of what a very small piece of spaghetti might look like
.

A careful review of the evidence shows clearly that life was generated from the simplest piece of pasta,
³
and that all life has since radiated to more or less resemble His image. But the Spaghedeity didn’t stop there. In fact, science tells us that the universe itself is composed of nothing more than an enormous matrix of strings, vibrating to their own Noodly music, forming a single, unified, coherent framework of invisible spaghetti. In short, it’s all one eternal bowl of pasta.

DNA, which is the building block of life, bears a striking resemblance to fusilli pasta
.

More attentive readers will note that we’ve failed to address the image of
man
. While other religions make the claim that humans were
created
in God’s image—and they are
nearly
correct in this assumption—they are guilty of using reverse logic to reach this conclusion. What they don’t discern is that we were created in His
ideal
image: that of the Pirate. Since then we’ve only come to resemble other people’s gods.

It is important that we return to the ways of the Pirate before it’s too late. In fact, recent science suggests that our departure from the Pirate’s way has led us toward a previously unforeseen end. As our brains and bodies grow in size, and as machines
⁴
replace the need for physical strength and agility, we may find ourselves the victims of an ironic twist of Creation. If current trends persist, the day may come when people of the future actually
do
resemble His image. This illustration, which was
created
by a scientist, may help.

Convert or die!

With this evidence in mind, we suggest that you get yourself an eye patch and become a Pastafarian before it’s too late.

The future of mankind?