The Guild of Fallen Clowns (22 page)

“Well, she seemed nice to me,” Alan
said.

“She’s just like all of them, Alan. But I
guess you wouldn’t really know much about women, would you? I don’t
suspect you date much. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re
probably better off being a loser. Women just complicate
everything.”

“No offense taken.” Alan smirked. “Well, I
better get going, Dave. I have to get back to my loser job of
delivering pizzas. And don’t worry, when Paula hires me to be a
clown at your son’s party, my big fat red lips will be sealed.”

Alan left the apartment and returned to his
car, where he sat to cool off before driving away. He looked at the
box in his back seat and considered what Dave just admitted to him.
Lyle was a bully, and he definitely needed to change his ways.
However, at that moment, Dave appeared to be much more dangerous.
He couldn’t assume Dave’s bravado was nothing more than a
testosterone-driven display of dominance. If there were the
slightest chance that he would follow through with his threats,
Debbie could be in serious danger. Lyle would have to wait. His
first Spanky would be assigned to Dave.

From the glove compartment, he pulled out a
marker and blacked out Lyle’s name. As he wrote Dave’s name under
the blotch, he spoke to the boxed figure to ensure the switchover
would take. “Spanky, there’s been a change of plans. I’m not sure
if this fits within your specialty, but it’s my hope that you can
help in turning Dave into a better person. I’m not doing this
because he was threatening me. I’m doing this because he’s a threat
to both Debbie and his family. If you truly have the power to
adjust this guy’s attitude, this would be the time to do it. I’m
afraid he’s about to hurt Debbie. I can’t allow that to happen. I
would also like to see him change his ways and become faithful to
his family. Please take this opportunity to demonstrate my faith is
not misplaced in the guild. Please protect Debbie and Paula from
his volatile and thoughtless behavior.”

With the box securely tucked under his arm,
Alan went back to the apartment and placed it against the door. He
looked around to be sure he was alone and his path was clear for a
quick departure. It didn’t take two seconds for him to disappear
from sight after ringing the bell.

Dave opened the door, looked around for the
mystery guest, and then looked down at the box. With nobody in
sight, he shrugged, picked it up, and went inside.

Dave’s first name was the only delivery
information on the box. Wasting no time figuring out what was
inside, he broke the tape, flipped up the four cardboard flaps, and
removed the unusual figure.

“What the hell is this?” he said, studying
it closely. He turned it in his hand to look at the back when he
heard a low gravelly voice say, “My name is Spanky. I represent the
Guild of Fallen Clowns. On this day your life will change.”

Unfazed by the voice, Dave searched for the
button that triggered it to speak. Unable to locate a switch, he
ran his hand in front of it in an attempt to trip a motion sensor.
Finally, he gave the figure a hard shake, then stood it on the
table and waited for it to speak.

“What the hell,” he said, staring down at
the challenging figure. He looked up and down the front, then faced
it toward the window and searched its back.

With no obvious solution to the source of
the voice activator, he gave up and grabbed a slice of pizza. He
got five steps into the next room when the voice returned with a
louder, more personalized message. “I said, on this day your life
will change—Dave.”

Dave pulled the slice from his mouth and
spun to face the figure. It was still upright on the table, but no
longer facing the window. It was turned, facing him.

“Holy shit! That’s not how I left you. How
did you spin around?” he said as he returned to the table and
turned the figure away from him. The following four to five
minutes, he watched and waited for it to speak or move. Nothing
happened.

Stumped and hungry, he turned away and
started walking away from the room when the voice stopped him.
“Hey! Stupid! What’s it going to take to get your attention?”

Dave turned to see the figure once again
facing him.

“What the frick is going on?” Dave
mumbled.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” the
motionless figure replied.

“Someone told me you are a complete
asshole—Dave. I’m told you are thinking about hurting Debbie. I’m
also told that you’re cheating on your wife, Paula. And the worst
part is that you refuse to take responsibility for your own
actions—dick face.”

Dave looked around the room for some sort of
clue to how the trick was being executed.

“Alan!” he said. “Where are you?” He knew
Alan didn’t come into the apartment so he thought maybe he was
controlling the figure remotely from outside the door. Ignoring the
talking figure on the table, he rushed for the door.

“Okay, Alan!” Dave said as he flung the door
open. There was someone standing on the other side; however, it
wasn’t Alan. It was a life-size, living copy of the figure on his
table. His broad shoulders and thick build filled the opening.
Dave’s body started to turn but his feet didn’t catch up. He
tripped and fell to the floor.

Spanky stepped into the apartment and closed
the door behind him. He smiled at the helpless Dave, sprawled on
the floor below him.

“Who are you?” Dave said.

Spanky rolled his head, relieving his stiff
muscles with faint cracking sounds. “I believe I already told you
who I am,” he said while motioning to his figure on the table.

Dave turned to the figure and then looked
back at Spanky. “The statue?”

“Yes, the statue. My powers are held within
it. I was sent as a—gift to you.”

“A gift? What the hell are you talking
about?”

“Okay, I can see you aren’t very smart. Let
me start over. My name is Spanky. I represent the Guild of Fallen
Clowns. On this day your life will change.”

Dave kept his eyes on Spanky as he
cautiously stood to his feet.

“Spanky, huh? Well, Spanky, I don’t know
what game you’re playing or how you pulled off this trick, but I
think it’s time for you to leave.” Dave walked to the table and
picked up the figure. “Now, take your mini-Spanky and please leave
me alone before I call the cops.” He stood in front of Spanky with
the figure held out. Spanky didn’t take it. He walked around Dave
toward the kitchen table, sat in a chair, and waited for Dave’s
response.

Dave walked across the room to the seated
Spanky and lowered his hand with the figure. “Look, pal! I don’t
want any trouble here. Like I said, the joke’s over. Now take your
little toy here and get out. This is your last chance.”

Spanky remained seated and grinned. “This is
not a game. I was sent here to help you become nicer to others. You
won’t be rid of me until my transformation of you is complete.”

“Oh, this is getting ridiculous. I’m calling
the cops,” Dave said. He put the figure on the kitchen table and
stomped across the room. The cordless phone was on the couch.
Before reaching for it, he looked over his shoulder. Slouched in
the chair, Spanky watched, unconcerned.

Dave turned, grabbed the phone, and prepared
to dial when he looked back to give Spanky a final warning. “I’m
going to do it. This would be a good time to reconsider.”

Spanky laughed. “What will you tell them?
Someone sent you a toy clown figure that came to life and
threatened you? Here’s what they’ll see when they arrive.” Spanky
snapped his fingers and vanished. His figure wobbled on the table.
Once it settled, the figure’s arm reached out and the tiny fingers
let out a barely audible snap. Instantly, the life-sized Spanky was
back in the chair smiling back at him.

Dave dropped the phone and stumbled back.
“How did you do that?”

Spanky stood from the table and walked into
the center of the room. “Sit down, Dave,” he said casually.

With his eyes glued on Spanky, Dave stepped
back and lowered himself to the sofa.

“The first thing you need to know is that
the Guild of Fallen Clowns are spirits. Our powers come from our
figures. Much greater powers than you can imagine. I was sent to
help you, but you must understand the consequences of not playing
by our rules.”

“You’re not real? Are you telling me you’re
some kind of ghost or something?” Dave jumped from the couch and
continued, “I’ll admit that you have some convincing tricks. I
don’t know how you disappeared and reappeared just then, or…or how
you made that statue move and talk, but that’s not enough to make
me believe in ghosts. Just tell me what you want. Is it money?” He
pulled out his wallet, removed some cash, and shook it. Spanky
ignored it.

“Seriously, what do you want from me? It’s
obvious that you’re bigger than me. If you wanted to kick my ass,
you would have done it already. Just tell me what you want.”

Discouraged, Spanky shook his head. “Perhaps
you need more convincing.” He walked to within a few feet of a
wall. His right knee bent, and he planted his clown-shoed foot flat
against the wall. His body tilted back until he was parallel to the
floor, appearing to stick out from the wall two feet from the
ground. His left foot moved in front of his right and he proceeded
to walk up the wall to the ceiling. From there, he continued to
defy the laws of gravity by stepping on the ceiling. Upside down,
he walked halfway across the room and crouched above Dave until his
inverted head was level with Dave’s.

“I’m listening,” Dave said.

Spanky started to explain the rules. “From
this point on, you will be nice to everyone in your life. You won’t
hurt anyone physically or emotionally. You won’t cheat on your
wife. You will be nicer than the nicest person you ever met.”

“Whoa! I admit that I’ve made some mistakes,
but I’m not a bad person. I’m starting to think maybe you were sent
to the wrong person,” Dave said.

Spanky listened to his plea as he stretched
his legs and moved across the ceiling, down the wall, and back to
the floor. He walked past Dave and relaxed on the couch.

“The source of my power comes from my
statue. You are forbidden from making any attempts to destroy
it—and me. You must not tell anyone about me and you cannot try to
enlist the help of others to destroy my statue. If you choose to
break these rules, there will be consequences.”

Dave interrupted, “Consequences. What
consequences?”

“Let’s just say, they don’t call me Spanky
for nothing. Do yourself a favor and follow my rules.”

“I still think you got the wrong guy,” Dave
said. “Tell you what. I was going to break it off with Debbie
anyway. I won’t cheat on my wife anymore. Why don’t we just say
your job here is done and leave me alone? I really don’t need any
help being a nice guy. Everyone loves me. Seriously, I’m one of the
most popular people you’ll ever meet. I’m the top salesman at work
because my customers love me. Hell, I was voted most popular in my
senior year. If you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it. Let me go home
and get my yearbook.”

Spanky shook his head and sighed. “This
one’s head is thick,” he mumbled to himself. “You are the right
person. That is blatantly obvious. You really are an asshole, Dave.
But don’t worry, Spanky is here to change that.”

Although Dave knew he was out-muscled and
powerless against Spanky’s supernatural abilities, the narcissist
in him wasn’t capable of admitting to having any personal flaws. He
was also incapable of understanding the concept of surrender. As he
stood in the center of the room between Spanky and his figure on
the kitchen table, a light bulb of inspiration struck. He slowly
moved toward the kitchen, testing his range.

“So, you’re telling me that this sculpture
over here…” he said as he cautiously reached for the figure. Spanky
remained seated, unconcerned with Dave’s closing proximity to the
very source of his powers.

Dave gently picked up the figure and
continued. “This is where your power comes from?”

“Yes,” Spanky replied.

“And if this gets destroyed, you’re telling
me that you will also be destroyed? You won’t exist, and you’ll be
out of my life for good?” he said with a confident grin.

“Yes, for the most part,” Spanky
replied.

“What do you mean? It’s either yes or no. If
this is destroyed, will you be gone or what?”

“Yes, unless another is made and somebody
else gives it to you. It can’t be the same person.”

“Okay, good to know,” Dave said. “So tell
me, how many of these exist?”

Spanky grew uncomfortable with Dave’s line
of questioning. He stood and took a few steps toward Dave. He
stopped when Dave held the figure out like a crucifix to a
vampire.

“That is the only one, Dave,” Spanky said.
“There are no others, and I’m not sure I like where you are going
with these questions. I hope you aren’t thinking about destroying
me. You might not succeed and that would result in a punishment for
disobeying the rules.”

“Stay where you are,” Dave commanded.

Spanky put his palms out to calm him. “Okay,
relax, Dave. I’m not going to come any closer. Don’t do anything
rash. Let’s just calm down and think for a minute.”

Dave smirked. “Looks like you misjudged me,
clown. You thought I was too stupid to figure out how to get the
upper hand, didn’t you?”

“Please be careful. It’s extremely fragile,”
Spanky pleaded.

With one hand holding the figure, Dave used
his free hand to retrieve a meat tenderizer from a nearby jar
filled with kitchen utensils. His eyes locked Spanky in place as he
slipped sideways to the table. Gripping the figure by the legs, he
held it face down near the edge of the table and raised the
tenderizer above his head. Before striking the deadly blow, he
looked back at the terrified spirit, frozen across the room. Dave
smiled and offered Spanky some parting wisdom. “Now it’s my turn to
lay out some rules. Here’s one I learned in football. Always
protect the quarterback.”