The Memory Game (9 page)

Outside the night feels like a deep
breath.  It’s so silent and still out on the lane.  I look down at
the ditch.  I wonder how much of my blood has washed from the earth, or
how much of me is still a part of it.  It looks so ordinary now, just
another muddy patch at the side of any old country road.  The tyre tracks
and paint chips have gone.  There’s not an indent, not even a raking of
soil to show that I ever lay there.

The moon casts a
weak light from above the latticed roof of tree branches and a movement catches
my eye.  The fox has returned. It must be a she because this time she has
cubs with her.  They’re not cute fluffy cubs like I once saw on a wildlife
calendar my mum had up in the kitchen, but gangly-looking, half-grown. All
three of them eye me warily.  I crouch down and put out my hand for them
to sniff.  I wonder if I smell like death.  They don’t run away but
back off slowly, never taking their eyes from me until they have gone a few
feet away. I move forward cautiously to try again and this time they turn tail
and run. It’s a reaction, I suppose, and better than none.  It means I’m
still here. 

I sit down on
the old tree root. I don’t know what to do.  I can’t go home and I can’t
go to Bethany’s. Matt will probably
be with Ingrid and, even if he isn’t, seeing either of them hurts too much.

That’s when I
see the twin pinpricks of light moving through the dark tunnel of the lane
towards me.  I stand up and listen to the low throb of the engine cracking
the silence of the night, and watch as the lights get bigger and bigger, halos
in the crisp air.  I step out onto the road and wait.  The car gets
closer and closer.  It’s moving fast, too fast for this twisty-
turny
lane. I wait… Then it’s almost upon me and I
want to feel it hit me, I want to remember what pain feels like. I throw
out my arms and invite the collision.

But it goes
clean through me and roars away and I don’t feel a thing.

The star-strewn
skies are framed by the black claws of the trees and I turn my face to
them.  Is there anybody up there or am I alone? I trudge back to my seat
and bite back my tears. 

Now that
everything is quiet again I think about what Bethany
said to me tonight. There has to be a reason why I’m still here. What if I am
supposed to solve the riddle of who killed me, like Bethany
said?  Perhaps it’s worth a try and, even if it makes no difference, at
least it’ll be something to do.  But the more I think about it, the more
it seems like a pointless, hopeless task. That car could belong to anyone,
anywhere. Do I wander the country looking for it?  And how would I
know I’d got the right one? 
Me
and my bike
probably made a mess of the bodywork between us, but whoever owns the car has
had plenty of time to get it fixed up. Even if I did find the driver, what
could I do to them? 

Maybe I’m
supposed to find my dad, somehow, or maybe I have to wait for him to rescue me.
But the more I think about it, the less likely that seems too.  If he was
meant to come and get me, surely he wouldn’t have left it this long? 
Perhaps I’m supposed to save my mum? The image of her digging into her arm
comes back to me. She’s pretty screwed up and that useless
tosser
,
Roger, doesn’t seem to be doing a lot to help.  I think that must be it.
If it is, I need Bethany more than
ever; she’s the only one who can talk to my mum for me.

When the yellow
door opens
Bethany
smiles at me.
 She crosses the road, hoisting her
flowery rucksack onto her shoulder. She looks different this morning, like
she looked different last night, but I still can’t figure out what it
is. She doesn’t speak but we walk together. The sun is bright and low
on the horizon and it makes me squint. When we’re out of view of her house and
under the cover of the darkened lane, I turn to her.

‘Were you ok
after I went?’ The cut on her cheek is still an angry red and I wish I could
make it better for her.

‘Dad was asleep
when I got in so I managed to sneak up past him.’

‘I didn’t mean
that,’ I say.

‘You mean the
school?’

I nod.

‘I don’t
know.  I couldn’t sleep for thinking about everything,’ she says, smiling
again. I don’t know what to make of her today. ‘What did you do last
night?’ she asks. 

It doesn’t seem
like the right time to tell her about my mum, not when she looks this happy. I
shrug. ‘I just walked around.’

‘That must be
pretty lonely,’ she says.

‘The nights are
the worst.’

‘I know what you
mean,’ she says. ‘In the day I have stuff to keep me busy, but at night, that’s
when I think about my mum.’

‘Do you wish
your mum had come to you instead of me?’ I ask, even though I’m scared of the
answer.

‘No,’ she
says.  ‘That would hurt like hell.’

I think about
what she’s said and I suppose it would. ‘Will being at school be a bit
scary today… after last night?’ I ask.

She shakes her
head. ‘Actually, it’s weird.  When I had time to think about everything
that had happened
,
I realised that it was ok. I
survived that, and now it will take a whole lot more to scare me than what
those losers in our year could come up with.’

‘I suppose
so. Maybe I should stay close to you today, though?’ I don’t think
for a minute I’d be able to do anything to protect her and she doesn’t really
need it. It just feels like the right thing to do.

‘Maybe you
could,’ she says.

‘Maybe I will,
then,’ I say.

She turns to me
with a smile. ‘Maybe I’d quite like that.’

‘Right, today we’re looking at the
lifecycle of frogs and toads…. Stop talking and face forwards, Chloe…’ Mr Bauer
glares across the room at Chloe Love and she fires him a look of pure hate. He
turns to some illustrations on the whiteboard.

‘Bauer looks
like a frog,’ I say to Bethany.

Bethany
looks at me for a moment, her eyes wide in surprise. Then she pulls out her
textbook and writes something.  She points at it in a tiny movement. 
I lean over her shoulder.

This must be
a lesson about his family
.

‘He’ll be
getting his photo album out in a minute,’ I whisper in her ear.  She
stifles a giggle as she scribbles something else.

As long as we don’t have to dissect his mum
.
 

‘No, but he has
his
nan
swimming around in a
jar.’

Bethany
covers her mouth and puts her head low over her book but I can see her
shoulders shake slightly.

I wait for her
to face Mr Bauer again. ‘Watch this,’ I tell her, and then go to the front of
the class.  I jump up and down behind Mr Bauer like a frog, pull my mouth
wide and start to croak. Bethany
does a pretty good job of holding it together, so I start to jump even
higher.  Then I go right up to his ear and shout ‘
Ribbit
!’
as loud as I can.  Bethany
snorts and everyone turns to look at her.

‘Everything alright,
Bethany
?’
Mr Bauer asks. 

She pulls her
face straight and nods. ‘Sorry, just something in my throat.’

‘A frog?’
I shout, ‘It must be Bauer’s
nan
!’

Bethany
snorts again and breaks into a snigger. Mr Bauer’s eyes look as though they
might fall out of his head.

‘Something you’d
like to share with us?’ he asks Bethany. She
shakes her head and then bends over her book.

‘Hey, Beth…’ I
shout. She looks up and I put my face next to Mr Bauer’s backside and do a
loud farting noise. I pretend to waft away the smell and then I fall over,
clutching my chest.

Everyone looks
at her as she squeals this time.  She can’t even stop laughing when Mr
Bauer goes up to her desk.

‘What is so
funny?’

‘You, Kermit!’
I say and wait for her to laugh again. I
don’t know why, but I really like it when she laughs. But Bethany
doesn’t laugh this time, with Mr Bauer’s face right in front of hers looking
bright red and furious. Instead, she looks behind him and at me.  She
looks as though she doesn’t know whether to laugh at me now or be angry. 

‘I suggest,’ Mr
Bauer says in a gritty voice, ‘that you go and sit by the Head’s office to wait
for me.’

She stuffs her
book into her rucksack and scrapes her chair away from the desk.  

‘Don’t go to the
Head’s office,’ I say as I follow her out. ‘Let’s bunk off.’

She looks at me
and I think she’s a bit scared now.  She shakes her head in a tiny
movement.  As soon as the door to the class swings shut she whispers. ‘You
shouldn’t have done that.  They’ll phone my dad.’

‘They won’t.
They only phone your parents if you go to the Head’s office loads of times,’ I
say as I follow her down the hallway.

‘How do you
know?’

‘How do you
think?’ I laugh.

She just shoots
me a nervous look.  

The Head’s
office is in a wooden-clad room near the main entrance.  Bethany
flops down on a chair outside the door and drops her bag to the floor.  I
take the chair next to her. The corridor is deserted but I can hear the low hum
of conversation in classes taking place behind the doors that line it.

‘Let’s go,’ I
say.  ‘Life’s too short to sit here.’

‘Mine will be
even shorter when my dad gets to hear about this,’ she says in a low voice,
looking at the glass doors of the entrance.

‘What’s he going
to do?  He might give you a hard time, but he does that anyway.’ 

She drags her sleeves
over her hands and folds her arms. ‘I can’t,’ she says.

‘I know a way we
can get out of school without anyone seeing you. It’s easy.’

‘What about
afternoon register?’

‘If they ask
tomorrow, just say you were in the toilet or something.’

‘It won’t work.’

‘Alright then,
tell them you feel faint again.’

‘They’ll phone
my dad to come and get me then.’

‘Seriously, just
lighten up –’

‘It’s alright
for you,’ she snaps, ‘nothing can hurt you now.’

I don’t know
what to say to this.  She looks past me down the corridor.  The door
to Mr Bauer’s class opens and he comes towards us. Bethany
jumps up out of her seat and waits for him.

‘Would you care
to explain what just happened in there?’ he says in a hard voice.  

‘Sorry, Sir, I
felt a bit weird.’

‘You felt weird?
Does your
feeling weird
usually compel you to laugh like an idiot at
nothing?’

‘I don’t know,
Sir.’

He folds his
arms and stares at her while her gaze drops to her boots. ‘You’re usually one
of my best pupils,’ he says as he looks at her thoughtfully. ‘I’m surprised
beyond measure at that outburst. Do you want me to get your parents in?’

‘My dad, you
mean,’ Bethany replies looking up
at him and for a moment she looks really pissed off.  But then her
expression goes blank again.

‘Yes, I meant your
father,’ Mr Bauer says quickly. ‘I’m going to give you another chance, Bethany,
but one more toe out of line and it will be straight back here.’ He turns to
leave. ‘You can return to the class,’ he says.

She nods and
gets her stuff together to follow him.  

‘Can I come back
in?’ I ask her. 

She glances
across at me as Mr Bauer goes through the classroom door.  I can tell by
her face that she can’t decide if it’s a good idea or not.

‘I suppose I’ll
see you at dinner,’ I say and dissolve through the outside doors as I leave.

I wait for Bethany
around the back of the science block.  Matt and Ingrid haven’t turned
up.  I wonder whether they’ve packed it in and I’m not sure I like the
smug feeling that the idea gives me. Bethany
turns the corner, rooting in her bag as she walks towards me.

‘I wondered if
you’d want to come down this alleyway after last night…’ I say.

‘But there isn’t
anywhere else private to go,’ she finishes for me. ‘I know. This is fine.’ She
sits against the wall and opens her sandwich box. 

‘Was the frog
lesson fun?’ I ask.

‘No, but at
least I didn’t get kicked out again.’

I drop beside
her and hug my knees to my chest.  I don’t say anything.  She starts
to unwrap her lunch. ‘What have you got today?’ I ask
,
just to break the awkward silence.

‘Egg,’ she says,
pulling one apart to show me.

‘I don’t think I
like egg.’

‘It was all we
had in. I hadn’t had chance to get the shopping.’

‘You do the
shopping?’ I stare at her.

‘You don’t
expect my dad to do it, do you?’

‘Well… I don’t
know.’

‘What’s your
favourite?’ she asks.’

‘My favourite what?’

‘
Sandwich
.’

I think for a
second. 
‘Chicken salad with mayo.’

‘Ok,’ she says,
‘close your eyes and think about chicken salad and mayo. Really think about it.
Think about how fresh bread feels all squishy and sticky around your teeth so
that you have to prise it away with your tongue, about the lettuce all crisp
and cold, the chicken a bit salty and sweet with the mayo…’

While she says
this I have my eyes shut and I try to imagine eating it, feeling the tomato
burst on my tongue and all the flavours mingling.

‘How’s that
working for you?’ she asks.

I look at her.
‘That’s the best sandwich ever.’

She laughs. ‘You
want some crisps with that?’

‘No, I’m full
now.’

‘Cool.’ She
takes a bite of her lunch.  She looks much happier than when I left her
earlier. In fact, I’m still trying to figure out what looks different about
her.  I see it more plainly than ever now but I have no idea what’s
changed.