The Queen of Cool (14 page)

How can anyone take Tiny seriously?

“Okay, okay, stop acting like a clown,” I say.

Tiny stops dancing. Breathless, she looks at me, head cocked sideways like she knows there is something bugging me.

“You know what I wish?” she says.

“No,” I say. I can’t hold back the irritation in my voice. “What?”

“I wish I
was
a clown,” she says.

Obviously I have a look on my face, because she points at me and laughs.

“I mean, a clown as in fool. As in player. As in actor,” she says.

Tiny centers herself on a rock that sits high in the cage, and she begins to recite lines. As she struts around, she is confident, mesmerizing.

I almost forget that she is a dwarf. A freak. A tiny thing.

With those words in her mouth, she is larger than life.

When she’s done, she bows.

I take off my work gloves and applaud. I can’t help myself. Tina has transformed in front of my very eyes. Even though she is back to being just Tina, she seems different.

“Who wrote that?” I ask. “It was beautiful.”

“Duh, Shakespeare,” she says. “Didn’t you read
Romeo and Juliet
for English your freshman year?”

I don’t tell her I just read the Cliff Notes and rented the movie and got a B, as usual.

Instead I say, “Bravo.”

Later, Sheldon, Tina, and I are on a break getting some eats at the food stand by the Australian animals. The kangaroos are lying down, resting on the ground, while we lie resting on the benches in front of them.

“I wish I could really be center stage,” Tina says.

“Well, it’s kind of obvious,” I say.

“An open secret,” Sheldon says.

“I guess it’s true. I wear my heart on my sleeve,” Tina says.

“But I just don’t get it,” I say. “If you want to be an actress, why do you intern at the zoo? Don’t you think your time would be better spent interning at a theater?”

“Because I need some skills, a career. And you know, science can be very artistic. Especially research,” she says. “I just have to be realistic.”

It sounds wrong, though. Like she’s not really being herself. Like those aren’t her words coming out of her mouth.
I have to be realistic
sounds like something my dad used to say.

“I’m not Perla,” she says. “Little People, you know, don’t get a lot of parts. The Screen Actors Guild actually has us listed as disabled. My father doesn’t want me to get my feelings hurt.”

“But there are plenty of Little actors,” I say. “Aren’t there?”

“Yep,” Sheldon says.

“And don’t big actors get their dreams squashed and get really hurt and chewed up and spit out by Hollywood?” I say.

“Yep,” Sheldon says.

“So, it sounds like everyone gets treated pretty even-steven to me.”

“I keep telling Tina that she’s the best actress I know,” Sheldon says in his quiet way. “Did you know that she was cast in
A Midsummer Night’s Dream?
”

“That play they’re putting on at school?”

Tina nods. “Yeah, but they offered me the part of Puck. I wanted the part of Hermia. She’s little, but she’s
beautiful.
”

“Yeah, I don’t know who Puck is,” I say.

“The monster. The ugly monster,” Tina says. “Remind me again how you are passing English?”

“Charm,” I say.

“Well, they only cast me because I’m small. Let the dwarf play Puck.”

“Puck’s not a
monster.
Puck’s a
fairy,
” Sheldon says. “It’s a great part. People kill to be Puck.”

“I. Am. Not. Going. To. Do. It,” Tina says. “The teacher in charge of the Drama Club told me to take some time to think about it. I’ve thought about it. I can’t do it. I’m turning it down.”

“Why?” I ask.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says, putting on a big, fake smile. “So, don’t forget that we’re car-pooling this Saturday for the volunteer zoo sleepover. Won’t that be fun?”

“She’s changing the subject,” Sheldon says to me.

“I don’t get it, Tina,” I say. “You really are a great actress. The way you did that thing in the cage. Perla could never do that. I
believed
you.”

“But look at me,” she says.

“I
am
looking at you.”

Tina sighs.

“Don’t you get it, Libby? Nobody ever lets me forget I’m small. If I keep telling the universe that I can only be the monster or the elf or the fairy or the freak, then I’ll never get to be the beautiful girl.”

“Tina, I gotta be frank,” I say. “If you keep waiting for the perfect part, you’ll never get to be an actress. But if that’s what you want, then hey, go for it. Don’t be in the play. Stand on the sidelines.”

“You don’t understand,” she says.

“Yes, I do. Don’t try to tell me you’re not proud of who you are. You have more self-confidence than anyone I know,” I say. “And you
should
be proud. You are
Tina.
You are a monster, and a fairy, and a freak.
And
a beautiful girl.”

Tina throws her shoulders back and grins.

We both know I’m right.

When Kenji picks me up, I notice that Perla is in the front seat, so I have to squish in the back with Sid and Mike Dutko. When we get to Jakob’s house, the party is already in full swing.

I don’t have anything to say to anyone. I head straight for the beer.

The music is loud, and the deck is full. Jakob’s parents, Soren and Ilsa, are splashing each other in the pool.

By my third drink, I find myself in the pool in my underwear. The warm water swirls around me. My limbs touch other limbs. I am in close contact with everyone, but I want to be alone with someone.

I swim to the side of the pool to try to pull Kenji into the water with me, but I get there just in time to see Perla pulling him seductively by the hand, leading him into the house.

And I know what that means. I can’t kid myself any longer.

I get out of the pool and duck my hand into the cooler for another beer.

I scan the party to see who I could make mine. I am not going to spend the night at the party alone. But it seems as though everyone I would bother to hook up with has paired up already.

That’s when I see him. Sid. He’s getting into the Jacuzzi, which is occupied by a couple of girls.

I make a beeline for him.

I climb into the Jacuzzi and climb right on top of Sid. My legs wrap around his waist, and I lean toward him. He has a freckle underneath his right eye.

“What are you doing?” Sid asks.

“I’m going to kiss you, and you are going to like it.”

“No,” Sid says. “You’re not.”

I hear the girls sitting in the Jacuzzi with us start to laugh.

“What do you mean, no?”

“I don’t kiss drunk girls,” he says.

Then he gets out of the Jacuzzi, boner and all, and leaves me there.

I arrive on Saturday afternoon to pick up Tina and Sheldon for the zoo volunteer sleepover. I am still hung over from Jakob’s party. I knock on Tina’s front door, and Sheldon leads me into the kitchen.

I look around. Everything is yellow, too cheerful for me today.

“Where’s Tina?” I ask.

“She’ll be down in a minute,” he says.

Sheldon goes back to reading his magazine. Across the glossy spread is an amazing burst of stars.

“Oh!” I exclaim.

Sheldon looks up, startled. I have startled myself too.

“What is that?” I ask.

“An article on the possibility of biotas on other planets,” Sheldon says.

“No,
that,
” I say, pointing at the picture that is full of light and mystery.

“A nebula. It’s an exploded star. Like a supernova.”

“Supernova. So, yeah, what is that?” I ask again.

“A supernova is when a star explodes and becomes very luminous. It brightens in the night sky when the light from its explosion finally reaches us. A neutron star.”

“It’s so cool-looking,” I say.

“You want to hear something cooler?” Sheldon leans to me across the table.

“Yeah, I do.”

“We are constantly being bombarded with neutrinos from those stars,” he says.

“So anyone could be walking around with a piece of a star in them?”

“Well, I don’t know about that. But we’re constantly being bombarded by stuff every day. Neutrinos slice right through the earth.”

“Wow,” I say.

I smile, because the thought of being bombarded with neutrinos makes me curiously happy.

“Are you
sure
you don’t like science?” Sheldon asks.

“I guess it’s all right,” I say.

“Yeah, it is,” he says, nodding. Then he buries his nose in his magazine again.

“Sorry I’m late!” Tina says, rushing into the kitchen.

As we get ready to leave, she stands next to the door and puts her hand on her head. I see the markings and realize it’s a growth chart.

In true Tina fashion, she shrugs it off.

“You never know,” she says. “Maybe I grew during the night.”

We arrive at the zoo and are taken on a nighttime tour. Base camp is at the treetops terrace, where we have a big barbecue and animal trivia contest. Sheldon beats everyone by like a million points and wins a giant stuffed gorilla. It falls short of my idea of “fun.” Good thing I brought a magazine.

“What are you reading?” Sheldon asks, climbing into his sleeping bag.

“Teen Vogue,”
I say. “I’m catching up on my cute factor.”

“Yeah, I guess shoveling elephant shit isn’t really the best thing for great skin.”

That makes me laugh.

“That’s a good one, Sheldon. You’re funny.”

“Yeah. I’m funny. Not just funny-looking.”

It strikes me that Sheldon knows that he’s not the best-looking person in the world. But it’s kind of amazing how when you get to know someone, they are good-looking in their own special way. Sheldon’s acne kind of disappears behind his smart brain.

I wish he liked me more.

“Why do you hate me?” I ask.

“I don’t hate you. You think I hate you?”

“I always feel stupid around you.”

“I don’t mean to make you feel stupid,” he says. “You know, I always feel uncool around you.”

“The only thing uncool about you is your jeans.”

“Why? What’s wrong with my jeans? They’re comfortable.”

“Well, they make me
un
comfortable.”

The red starts creeping up his neck.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“I just don’t have time to waste on stuff like that. And you seem to have a lot of time to waste.”

“On shopping?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I think you pride yourself on being so accepting of everyone, even aliens, and you won’t even accept me as I am,” I say.

“I guess I have a double standard,” he says. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel bad. I’m a jerk.”

“No sweat,” I say. “I’m a jerk too.”

We smile. It feels good to smile.

“You know,” he says. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that you really do a good job on the field guide. I don’t think we would be getting gold stars on our chart if it weren’t for you. You really have an eye for observation and organization. You’d make a good scientist.”

“You think?” I say. “I gotta be honest with you, Sheldon. I don’t feel like I’m seeing anything right lately.”