The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (13 page)

Jefferson never got to live his dream of a trail to the Orient or the importation of lap dancers of any kind. Despite being unable to execute a simple reelection strategy from “Politics 101: Influence donors and key supporters with exotic strippers,” Jefferson was still able to get re-elected and lead our nation for four more years.

The war of 1812 started off with unprepared foes. Like a couple of horny teenagers fresh out of condoms, who have sworn off abstinence in favor of protected sex, the willingness was there but the preparation had been overlooked. Britain was a frequent war participator and found it hard to turn down any invitation to fight, regardless of distance or cause. At the time that they accepted America's invite for conflict in the United States, they already had their hands full with Napoleon's drive for total European domination. As for the home team, the American's were severely underfunded and underrepresented. Their navy was reminiscent of that of a 1600's landlocked third-world nation.
THE TERM “SHIP” WAS USED LOOSELY, AND THE TERM “DINGY” WAS GENERALLY MORE ACCURATE.
But despite the lack of stockpiled resources on both sides, shots began firing and people started dying in August 1812.

Coming off the heels of the Intolerable Acts, Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy. In an effort to eliminate the British from all of North America, the American military launched a series of wildly popular and unsuccessful attacks into the maple syrup — producing nation of Canada.

As retribution for American off ensive efforts, the superior maritime vessels of the British formed a blockade around the U.S. coast, killing trade and sending the economy down like a $10 hooker. Despite their economic woes, the outgunned American forces continued to attempt to rid the continent of the pesky British and lay claim to their fair share of the sweet flavored pancake topper from Canada.

For the most part, the first couple of years of the war were uneventful for both sides. Both militaries enjoyed a series of back-and-forth victories and losses. Much of the landscape remained similar to what it was before the conflict began. For the monarch-worshipping British, the turning point came when Napoleon's European efforts were defeated. With the menacing Napoleon taken care of, the British were able to redistribute their armed forces and resources to the action here in the United States.

Reloaded with redeployed battle-tested veterans, the British met surprisingly little resistance as they marched single-file, wearing bright red vests, into Washington, D.C., where they burned the place down including President James Madison's love shack, otherwise known as the White House. After easily invading Washington, British commanders agreed to a plan of reacquisition.

Just as quickly as the tide had turned in favor of the Spice Girls' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers, the U.S. military scored a game-changing victory when the U.S. Navy soundly won the battle of Lake Champlain, driving the British back into the frozen Canadian tundra. As word of the beat down reached the British team of negotiators responsible for agreeing to the terms of a peace treaty, the British quickly gave up their desire of laying claim to any U.S. territory and instead agreed to basically redraw the map of land ownership to its prewar positions. With the war over, American pride swelled like a college freshman, as the young nation had held its own against the evil British Empire.

Effectively, the War of 1812 concluded as a draw. Neither side had much to show for their efforts after the signing of the “lets make peace” treaty. But, with the battle-tested British fighting for their young Canadian brother, there was a lot of potential for this conflict to end in a Canadian land grab. For America, the battle of Lake Champlain was the difference maker. However, if the British/Canadian armed forces had proven victorious in this battle, it is likely they would have continued on their quest of acquiring more land in the United States.

In fact, it is possible that the entire contiguous land mass known as the United States would currently be flying the Canadian flag. The red, white, and blue would be the red and white. The army of one would literally be an army of one. Pictures of dead presidents on our currency would have to move over and make room for pictures of dead queens and equally dead prime ministers.
AND MOST OF ALL, THERE WOULD BE NO SECOND AMENDMENT DEBATE, AS THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS WOULD BE EXCHANGED FOR THE RIGHT TO WEAR LONG UNDERWEAR IN THE SUMMER.

Since the United States was nearly Canada, the following multiple-choice, true/false quiz will test your Canadian IQ. Luckily, Canadians are known for being polite and forgiving, so you may take the test more than once and just like with the new SAT Score Choice, only your highest score will count.

Questions

1. Canadians abandoned the imperial measuring system years ago in favor of the more widely used international language of measurement the metric system. What is Canadian born actor Michael J. Fox's approximate height in centimeters?

a. 57 cm.

b. 245 cm

c. 164 cm

d. 327 cm

2. Approximately how many African-Canadians live in Canada?

a. 600,000

b. 8,400,000

c. 13

d. 3,500,000

3. Are American woman the only ones who marry older powerful and influential men?

a. Yes

b. No