The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (17 page)

On March 4, 1857, as the new president, James Buchanan, took office, the issue of slavery was looming large across the United States. For decades, the fiscally irresponsible Northern states resisted slavery under the guise of human rights. Their argument was that their God was a loving God who created everyone equally. To the sadness of their bank accounts and shopaholic wives, they ignored the significant economic benefits that were associated with owning slaves.

The economic benefit to owning slaves was never-ending, including amortizing the initial slave purchase over the course of several years to lower your taxes. Besides, using proven “encouragement techniques,” a slave owner could have their whole farm ploughed and replanted for what it costs the Chinese to make a cast-iron matchbox car covered in lead paint. Slavery was a financial no-brainer for white families that wanted to live a little bit of the good life. With the failure of the North to recognize the wisdom of slavery, a constant battle between the Northerners and the “black labor is good but black slavery is better” Southerners played out daily around the country.

Citing the death of his master, army surgeon John Emerson, slave-turned-freedom-seeker Dred Scott decided to plead his case for liberty in front of the Missouri courts. Scott argued that he was actually a free citizen due to his fortuitous stays in Illinois and Wisconsin Territory, where slavery was barred under the Northwest Ordinance and the Missouri Compromise. Initially, his position was accepted by a lower St. Louis county court; however, on appeal, the Missouri State Supreme Court disagreed. The court ordered Scott, his wife, their kids, and the family dog, Liberty, back into the life of slavery. With the fight for freedom still raging and in no hurry to work in the fields for someone else's benefit, perpetual slacker Scott appealed the decision to the United States Supreme Court.

At the time, the Supreme Court was not a respected judicial institution that citizens, slaves, and Indians could look to for unbiased decisions rooted in legal fact. It was much like it is today, a mechanism for legislating from the bench, where justices' decisions are based on the political wishes of the party that put them into their cozy lifetime appointment. Much like the modern-day Supreme Court's ruling in favor of recovering alcoholic and great executioner George W. Bush in the 2000 presidential election, Scott's decision broke down along party lines. On March 6, 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against Dred Scott and his bid for freedom.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR SCOTT, THIS FIGHT WAS FIXED, AND DON KING WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED.

Writing for the majority, eighty-year-old former slave owner turned Chief Justice Roger Taney ruled that blacks were not citizens and therefore Scott and his kind had no rights to petition the court for anything from Pop Tarts to freedom. He concluded that blacks “are so inferior that they had no rights which a white man was bound to respect.” Feeling his prejudicial juices flowing, Taney trumped the whole “blacks are not citizens” play with a “blacks are so not citizens they are actually property” play. This meant that the owning of blacks was protected by the Fifth Amendment, no matter what state you lived in, thereby putting Dred and his dog Liberty on equal footing.

The fallout of Taney's ruling was that all legislative compromises were now off the table. The Supreme Court had ruled that blacks were property, not citizens, and white people could own 'em, breed 'em, and beat 'em. The only way the Northern states could prove that with a little sunscreen white and black skins were created equal in the mind of their God, was to get that written into the Constitution. Unfortunately, the South didn't just disagree, they strongly disagreed, and it ultimately required the death of 600,000 Americans to twist their arms to begrudgingly see the light. Following the North's Civil War victory, this change was put into the Constitution, and Liberty was demoted on the family totem pole.

Eighty-five years after the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, all hell broke loose. The Union consisted of thirty-four states that were deeply divided. The central issue that threw the country into civil war was whether oral activities met the definition of sex in the new Union, and to a lesser degree, the issue of slavery.

The Southern states argued that slavery was a necessary ingredient to sustain the profitability of their many farming communities. Really, how can anyone expect you to pay a fair wage and still give your white wife and kids the lifestyle they deserve? No need getting your hands dirty working in the fields when God made you white. He had options when you were born and obviously felt you were qualified to manage a staff of black slaves.

On the other hand, the more economically advanced economy of the North wanted no part of slavery. Northerners had adopted the philosophy of all men being created equal. Yes men; women were way behind the equality curve at this time.
THE EXCEPTIONS WERE MEN FROM NEW YORK AND BOSTON, WHERE EVEN TODAY THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE THEIR SUPERIORITY.

Unfortunately for the South, the sixteenth president of the United States was Abraham Lincoln, from Illinois. Lincoln, whose mug shot you can now find on the penny, was philosophically against the concept of slavery for the United States and had designs to emancipate his brothers from another mother. These divisions in philosophy, economic policy, and definitions of sex laid the groundwork for the deadliest battle in American history.

Prior to bullets flying in 1861, the government attempted to defuse the conflict over slavery throughout the Union by allowing each incoming state to vote on whether to operate as a slave state, a free state, or as a Michael Jackson-influenced State of Shock. This half-assed attempt to encourage peace was known as the Compromise of 1850. Different from “marital compromise,” this one didn't involve going without sex for long periods of time or scheduling erections for Tuesdays and Saturdays only. By not mandating a federal position on slavery and allowing each state to vote individually on whether it would act as a slave state or a free state, it was reasoned that each state would be content, and future issues would be eased. The reality was that Lincoln was buying time, waiting for his new recruits to graduate from his “Free the Black Man” military camps.

With tensions boiling, South Carolina reacted to Lincoln's objections to slavery by announcing its intent to secede from the Union. Quickly Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed suit. The “New South” was named the Confederacy. Jefferson Davis was named the president of the Confederacy and thereby automatically elevated to sacred status for generations of Southern kids who like to play with bed sheets, crosses, and fire.

On April 12, 1861, Davis's troops fired the first shots in Fort Sumter, South Carolina. Immediately, Arkansas, North Carolina, Virginia, and Tennessee joined the Confederacy, and the war was on! With an immense amount of passion for Jack Daniels, NASCAR, and chewing tobacco, the Confederacy took a significant advantage at the start of the war. The South used its veteran leadership to score victories at the Battle of Bull Run, the Second Battle of Bull Run, Fredericksburg, and Chancellorsville, but
LIKE AN EIGHTY-YEAR-OLD IN THE SACK, THE SOUTH JUST COULDN'T QUITE FINISH OFF WHAT THEY HAD STARTED.

On July 1, 1863, Lee invaded Pennsylvania. Before coming into contact with Northern soldiers, Lee let his men overrun some Amish settlements as a confidence-builder. With the Amish vanquished, the Southern troops marched on. Northern forces met General Lee and his men for a battle at the now-famous Pennsylvania town of Gettysburg. Gettysburg was pivotal to the outcome of the war, as it was speculated that if the North had lost at Gettysburg, it would have negotiated a compromise allowing the Southern states to form their own separate country.

At the time, the British were making plans to jump into the war and assist the South, but being the frontrunners they are, they canceled those plans after the South's defeat at Gettysburg. The French also considered a similar strategy, but ran scared after reports of the beating the South endured at Gettysburg. Instead the French sent Le Coq Sportif gear and replica Eiffel towers to inspire the Southern boys. Is it any wonder why so many people hate the French?

On April 2, 1865, the Southern capital of Richmond fell to General Grant. One week later, with a new fondness and appreciation for the black man, General Lee surrendered to General Grant at the Appomattox Court House. This action effectively ended the Civil War. All told, more than 600,000 Americans died during the War Between the States, by far the deadliest war in American history. Following the end of the war there was only one thing to do: rebuild.

In President Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address, he promised to “bind the nation's wounds.” His philosophy was to restore the Union fully, and bear no grudge toward the Southern states. However, Lincoln never got a chance to heal the wounds of the young nation. Former Confederate and “oral is sex” supporter John Wilkes Booth assassinated him on April 14, 1865.