The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (31 page)

Five years after World War II ended and the spectacular air raids and heroic ground combat ceased, the Communist leaders of the Soviet Union were finding the day-to-day operations of a nation without free will a little tedious. They growled, and the population showed the appropriate and required amount of fear. The Communist regime gave an order, and it was followed immediately. The occasional showing of free will was squashed quickly and effectively. It was argued by many inside the police state that as enjoyable as it is to torture and maim those who share your homeland, it is always more fun to inflict fear and pain on those from other countries, especially individuals and families with an interest in open elections and freedom of choice.

Soviet president and longtime oppressor of freedom Joseph Stalin agreed with the first tenet of armed conflict, which states that even though there are generally accepted issues of inconvenience when fighting a war on the road, the difficulties and expense of postwar cleanup and the reduction of the host country's civil population through friendly fire and enemy aggression far outweigh the logistical issues of traveling. In order to prove his theory, Stalin sent freedom killers from the Central Red Army to help keep peace in Korea by patrolling the area north of the thirty-eighth parallel until a unified and free, count-every-ballot election could be held in the small Asian country.

Unfortunately for those making their home in the northern part of Korea, the Soviet government had no real intention of allowing them to hold up their Iraqi like purple ink — stained thumb as proof of their participation in the democratic process. Instead, the Central Red Army was ordered to ensure that voting did not take place north of the thirty-eighth parallel. With scores of Korean citizens south of the thirty-eighth parallel earning a purple thumb on May 10, 1948, the election was deemed legitimate, and Syngman Rhee became president of the Republic of Korea, which consisted of only the land and citizens south of the thirty-eighth parallel.

Left out of the democratic process by their unwelcome foreign oppressors, the area north of the thirty-eighth parallel was renamed the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, as Kim Il-sung, a Korean national who earned his master's degree in communism from the University of Phoenix's Moscow campus, was conveniently elected president without the troublesome inconvenience of a public election. President Kim had a strong mandate from the electorate, and he made plans to spread his fondness for oppression by invading those enjoying their freedom south of the thirty-eighth parallel.

On June 25, 1950, Kim ordered the North Korean People's Army to invade the Republic of Korea, killing everything in sight, while at the same time leaving behind pamphlets of the benefits of communism for the families of the dead to enjoy.

While mindful of the possibility of World War III breaking out over the differences in political ideology, U.S. President Harry S. Truman sent General Douglas MacArthur to defend the sovereignty of the Republic of Korea by heading up the United Nations coalition of the willing. With a U.N. mandate to unify Korea, MacArthur raised hell on both sides of the thirty-eighth parallel, forcing the North Korean Army to retreat far into the northern area of their country.

Progress was steady, and with victory on the horizon, MacArthur ordered a large “Mission Accomplished” banner to be displayed outside the Korean National Zoo. As those fighting against the spread of communism began to make plans to enjoy the spoils of their victory with thankful Korean woman, 180,000 communist sympathizers from China entered the war in support of Kim.

Using the strength in numbers approach, the 180,000 oppression spreaders overwhelmed U.N. forces, forcing many of them back into the southern portion of Korea. With China now fully involved in the war, MacArthur urged Truman to allow him to attack China as retaliation for their intervention. Fearing all-out nuclear war, Truman ordered MacArthur to focus on fighting the war on Korean turf and ignore his desire to tangle with China on their soil.

With the North Koreans, the Chinese, and the Soviets all heavily involved in the fight for this small, moderately priced guitar-producing nation, the coalition of the willing slowly was becoming the coalition of the less than willing. As their desire to take on China diminished, enthusiasm for a cease-fire was growing.

With millions dead and the postwar cleanup significant, the war ended on July 27, 1953. Leaning on their newly established relationship with the active human breeders in China, the country of North Korea began to use state-approved Chinese breeding techniques to replenish their postwar population.

When Rosa Parks her ass on a bus, people listen. As a part-time car enthusiast and a full-time realist, Parks knew the wages paid to her as a black woman would never afford her the opportunity to drive the car of her dreams, a converted Crown Victoria cop car pimped out with twenty-two-inch rims and aftermarket hydraulics. Instead, leaning on her penchant for reality, Parks became a huge fan of public transportation. There was no three-wheel motion, no rims, and no stereo, but at least it got you from one miserable destination to another in a not-so-timely manner.

Parks rode her transportation vehicle of affordable choice without incident until December 1, 1955, when she got a hair up her ass concerning the Jim Crow laws of separate and unequal. These laws were designed to allow black and white people to live in perfect harmony like ebony and ivory or Michael Jackson's DNA, providing blacks were submissive to the desires of God's Caucasian people. The public transportation system was a great opportunity for African Americans to demonstrate their required submissiveness by willingly and happily sitting at the back of the bus. It was expected that black people would eagerly give up their seat so white men and woman could rest their tired, pale legs if the bus became crowded. There was an understanding and sympathy about the burden of being white in a white society by the minority bus-riding population.

As the bus made its rounds on that fateful December day, more and more of America's majority boarded Rosa's bus of choice. As the driver continued to move the “colored section” sign farther back in the bus to accommodate the additional white passengers, Rosa stayed put. When the driver threatened to call the police, Rosa told him to go for it. As the police officer arrested Rosa, she thanked the bus driver for his racially biased actions.

Capitalizing on Rosa's arrest, Montgomery, Alabama, pastor and aspiring civil rights leader Martin Luther King headed up a boycott of the local public transportation system. On December 5, 1955, nearly 90 percent of all the black people who had complacently been sitting at the back of the bus followed King's request and surprisingly found another way to travel to their destination.
WITH THE OVERWHELMING SUPPORT HE RECEIVED ON DAY ONE OF THE BOYCOTT, KING PUSHED FOR A SECOND DAY, THEN A WEEK, THEN A MONTH, AND THEN A YEAR. KING'S PEACEFUL PROTESTS ATTRACTED NATIONAL COVERAGE, CULMINATING WITH A FAIR AND BALANCED INTERVIEW ON THE
O'REILLY FACTOR.

As lawsuits were filed, the case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. The Court ruled on December 20, 1956, that the segregation was illegal, immediately opening up great seats right up front next to the driver for African Americans all across the country. Unable to change the reality that she would never be able to afford her pimped out Crown Victoria that she so desperately desired because as a black woman she would always be paid less than her white counterparts, the Supreme Court also ordered that, for her trouble, Rosa Parks receive a lifetime public transportation pass allowing her to ride any bus anytime anywhere in America for free … providing seats are available.