Authors: Jan Irving
Tags: #m/m romance
“Yeah, things break.”
The angel closed his eyes, still holding the ornament, and then blew over it. When he opened his palm again, it was whole, little wings no longer bent and the crack through the breast of the tiny figure whole again.
“Fixed now.” Dove smiled at Matthew and put it on the tree.
“I wish you hadn’t done that,” Matthew said.
Dove gave him a confused look. “Did I do something bad?”
Matthew dug his hands in his pockets, feeling the cold wind in his hair and knowing that soon he’d feel so much more alone.
“What’s wrong, Matthew-friend?” Dove’s voice was gentle.
“Nothing’s wrong!” Matthew snarled.
I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with you. I’m not meant to be with an angel, I’m just a guy, and a very fucked-up one.
“And don’t call me ‘Matthew-friend’! I told you that you sound like a fuckin’ moron!”
“I’m sorry.” Dove bent his head, and Matthew saw the sparkle of suppressed tears. “I don’t fit in and I embarrass you.”
“Yeah.” Matthew swallowed. “It will be better when you go home, for both of us.”
The angel nodded, looking sad.
Matthew felt crappy about his nasty turn of temper, but how could he explain he had to crush this tender vine before it covered him? He already was on fire to touch his glorious angel, but he
him too, so what did that mean? He’d never liked anyone he’d slept with, not as a friend.
“Tell you what. Let’s do something fun.”
“Bondage?” Dove looked hopeful.
“Uh, no. I was thinking ice skating or—”
Suddenly there was the beating of wings, surrounding Matthew in a dazzling moment of silver and white feathers. His angel’s beautiful body glowing as if lit by a Vegas spotlight. “Wha—?” Matthew gasped as Dove lifted him without warning, his naked, radiant body, gilded like the moonlight, pressing against Matthew’s ordinary one.
They rose above the decorated tree so it was soon very small below them. Shaking, Matthew buried his face against the bare, silken skin of Dove’s throat. “What the fuck are you doing?” Matthew rasped, his eyes tightly shut.
“You said you wanted to do something fun, so I’m taking you flying!”
wind pushed them over the city and off to the ocean, where Dove flew so close to the white caps, the salty sea spray struck Matthew’s face. Clutching his angel, he finally opened his eyes, his chest hurting. This… this wasn’t meant to happen to someone like him. He was living a dream, flying free in the arms of a magical being.
Dove returned them to the beach and then rose higher, so they drifted between sky scrapers, windows lit, office holiday decorations glowing while ordinary janitors just like Matthew had been cleaned the rooms.
Matthew clutched Dove harder. “
Can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m afraid of heights, you know.”
“You’re afraid of trusting someone, Matthew; it’s why you’re bleeding,” Dove noted wistfully. Then his face glowed. “I love flying!” His wings were stretched out on either side of his shoulders, and he was soaring, tugged by drafts of wind. He wasn’t clumsy now.
Matthew looked at Dove’s face in the reflected light of the moon and stars. He was glorious, pure. It made Matthew feel weird, because at the same time Dove was so innocent, all Matthew wanted to do was be with him, have him.
Finally Dove swooped down and dropped them lightly on the smooth sand of the freezing beach. Matthew sagged to his knees. “Next time it’s ice skating!” he gasped. “That’s a real treat for California, you know.”
“I don’t want to go skating; I’d rather have sex with you. Aren’t you ever going to tie me up, Matthew?” Dove sounded disappointed by Matthew’s lack of cooperation.
“Do you think it’s a good idea to ask the first guy you meet to tie you up? What if I scare you?” Matthew told himself he wasn’t nervous. He was just trying to do the right thing, even if it killed him. Why did Dove have to be so unfettered, so unafraid of being hurt? He reminded Matthew of how he’d felt as a boy, before his dreams had been smashed like a holiday ornament; only in Matthew’s case, he wasn’t sure he could be repaired, even by an angel’s touch.
“You wouldn’t do that.”
“Yes, I do. I think you need to trust yourself, most of all. See yourself the way I do.”
“You make me crazy!”
Dove smiled and Matthew felt his stomach twist because it was a
smile. His alien looked sultry. Fuck, he was a goner. “I want to have sex with you,” Dove repeated, very firmly.
Matthew sagged, wrapping his arms around his knees. He shivered a little since it was fucking freezing here on the deserted beach. His angel was nude, but it didn’t seem to be affecting him, and he also had a big woody the size of a redwood, so that might be keeping him warm.
Matthew forced himself not to stare.
Dove was studying Matthew. “Your aura says you want to be held.”
“Yeah, right!” Matthew scoffed, heat filling his cheeks.
Dove ignored Matthew’s prickly attitude and sat down behind him. He lifted the slighter man easily into his lap, his wings wrapping around Matthew like a down blanket.
Matthew felt surrounded by Dove’s care and tenderness. It was getting harder and harder to keep being the tough guy with him. The angel got under his skin, touching him, though that touch
as much as it felt good; Matthew had been isolated for too long for it to be otherwise, he guessed.
“I love holding you and you want to be held. Is that wrong?” Dove asked calmly.
“It’s okay.” He had to take deep breaths, a little shaky in Dove’s arms. “You won’t take my pain from me by doing this, will you?”
“No, since you have refused to allow it, I must respect your wishes.” Dove shook his head. “Why are you so angry, Matthew?” Dove nuzzled the nape of Matthew’s neck and Matthew shivered. He was held safe in the arms of his angel, who had a big boner poking at his ass, but that just made him feel both wanted and horny.
“I was raped once, when I was like you, an innocent,” Matthew admitted, closing his eyes. Then they flared open. “You can’t feel it; what I felt?”
“No,” Dove reassured him softly, but his eyes were aching for Matthew. “I wish I could take it from you.”
Matthew shook his head. “I don’t want that for you.” He looked away. “I’m not a good person. I know I acted like a jerk with the real Dove, my boss, so of course he fired me. And sometimes I even hired someone who looked like him to give me the works. I guess that disgusts you.”
“Matthew, Dove did that sometimes also. From having him inside me, I understand he felt safe hiring someone, in charge. Maybe you felt the same way; that your date could not hurt you if you paid him to be nice to you?” Dove pushed Matthew’s messy blond hair tenderly off his forehead.
“How do you know so much when you’re an alien? You sound like a dork sometimes and then—” Matthew swallowed and leaned back and let his angel hold him. “The truth is, I’m afraid to let myself go with you. You’re leaving.”
“I’ll never leave you, Matthew,” Dove said, frowning. “Not ever.”
“Well, yeah, you will. Aren’t we going to get you back in your spaceship?”
“A new spaceship, yes.”
“I’m only human. I need…” Matthew stroked Dove’s silky arm, lean and muscled. “I need flesh.”
Dove chewed on his lip. “I will think on this.”
“You’re leaving, end of story.” Matthew turned around and faced the beach. He bit his lip, suppressing a stupid and embarrassing desire to cry. Shit! “All right, I’ll take the sex. Might as well get something out of having you around, but Dove, I have to be the one to do you. I can’t… I haven’t let anyone inside me since I was….” He tensed up, thinking about it.
“Okay.” Dove nuzzled him. “Don’t worry. I just want to be with you.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you like I was hurt,” Matthew whispered. “Make you feel bad or dirty. You have to promise, if I do anything to scare you, you’ll tell me.”
“You worry too much, Matthew-friend. Isn’t sex supposed to be fun, like flying?”
“I’m not sure flying is fun; it scares me.”
“I think making love scares you too.”
“It’s not—” But Matthew cut himself off, unable to say it wasn’t making love. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but Dove was right, he was afraid. He cleared his throat. “The bondage is kind of necessary if we are gonna do anything since you get all floaty as soon as we touch.” Matthew cocked a gently amused brow since even now they were floating a few feet off the beach.
* * *
at his apartment, Matthew was so nervous.
He offered his angel a beer, which Dove declined. He suggested they watch TV. He waved a half-done crossword puzzle, hoping to entice conversation.
All this time, Dove sat on his shit-brown couch, looking at him with dark, smoky eyes, utterly serene about the rope that Matthew had bought from a supply store on the way home. It was Matthew who paced, avoiding looking at it.
“Let’s watch the gay porn movie you talked about on the flight home, Matthew.” Dove patted the couch, trying to lure Matthew closer. “I have never seen porn, and this is my chance.”
“Oh God. I can’t believe I let you talk me into showing you one! I’m totally corrupting an angel.”
“I thought it might relax you.” Dove was smiling.
“They don’t relax you, pet. You watch them and jerk off—usually alone!”
“Why can’t we watch it and jerk off together?”
Matthew’s eyes widened. “How can an angel be so slutty?”
“Sex can heal a broken aura if positive feeling is exchanged,” Dove observed. “It’s actually a very practical application of energies.”
Matthew ran a hand through his hair, harassed. “I don’t do sex with emotion. Just don’t.”
“I know. Your aura is in sad shape, Matthew.” Dove patted the seat next to him again. “Come sit.”
Dove laughed. “I’ll go easy on you.”
“Okay.” Matthew sat at one end of the couch and Dove on the other, the angel still naked and hard.
Matthew was hard too, but he wrapped his arms around himself and refused to acknowledge it.
They watched something Dove had picked out, romantic for porn, longtime lovers, kinky but full of tenderness. Sometimes when he was feeling really shitty about himself, Matthew watched it, but now it struck him that it showcased something he’d never experienced himself: having a real boyfriend.
As the couple French kissed on a beach, Dove was rapt, enjoying the porn with avid attention. “They are both very attractive,” Dove said. “And you can tell they like each other. I like porn!”
“Yeah, you get prettier men with gay porn, generally, but it’s not always nice, Dove.” Matthew shrugged. Was Dove closer to him on the couch? Shit, he was sweating, aching for a touch but too chicken shit to do anything. What a loser!
“Will they have sex soon?”
“Uh, yeah. There’s a bit more hand-holding first.” Matthew was embarrassed to admit that he’d always liked that part, the shared glances, the words exchanged.
“Hand holding comes first?”
Matthew cleared his throat. “When you have romantic feelings and it’s not just sex, yeah, I guess it does.”
“Hold my hand, Matthew?”
“All right,” Matthew sighed, trying to act put upon. He licked his dry lips, trying to ignore the screen and the more frantic kissing, but the sounds of pleasure were turning him on. He wanted to make those sounds himself and hear Dove make them.
Making all those sex noises as they fucked each other.
Dove’s fingers were caressing his palm, which was damp. His heart was beating so hard he could hear it thudding in his ears.
“I’ll take care of you, Matthew. Don’t be afraid,” his angel promised.
kiss,” Dove told Matthew hopefully. “We could start with a kiss, before we have sex.”
“I don’t kiss very well,” Matthew admitted awkwardly. Wasn’t he supposed to be leading the way? He had all the experience, after all. Why was he so scared of his angel? He couldn’t figure it. It’s not like he didn’t want to do him. Right now, in fact. But it was just like flying with Dove, losing himself completely, giving himself completely.
“I want to kiss you, Matthew.” Dove caressed Matthew’s hair, leaning closer and nuzzling him. Matthew trembled, feeling like a volcano about to explode. All the need that he tamped down, somehow he sensed Dove had the key to releasing it inside him.
Making him fly.
“Maybe just one.”
Dove put his lips against Matthew’s, and they rubbed together, silken, hot, a little clumsy. A getting-to-know-you kiss. Matthew gave a little moan, and Dove answered him by taking his mouth in a possessive kiss, enfolding Matthew as he had earlier with his wings.
“What are you doing to me?” Matthew panted when they broke apart.
“I want to make you truly mine. It was an accident that I came to Earth, but I was… frustrated, Matthew. I couldn’t connect with you or touch you.” Dove folded soft wings around the smaller man and knelt on top of him.
In response, Matthew cupped Dove’s round bare ass in his hands as he returned the passionate kisses. He could feel Dove prodding his stomach with his cock. “Shit, I see what you mean about wanting to connect with me.”
“What?” Dove’s voice was drowsy, absorbed.
“You’re not small.”
“I won’t hurt you. You said you would put yourself inside me.”
“In theory. But why does it feel that even if I top you, you’ll get inside me?” Matthew covered his eyes. “God, I’m not… I shouldn’t be with you.”
Dove pulled his hand away. “Why?”
“Because you’re too late; I can’t believe in you anymore.” Raw like acid, Matthew’s truth.
Dove hugged him. “It’s all right, Matthew, you don’t need to believe in me; it’s enough I believe in you.” He gave Matthew a tender kiss on his bottom lip.
Matthew’s eyes filled, wounds cracking open, spilling. “I loved someone and I tried, I just tried to help her.”
“Of course you did; you’re a good person. Don’t you think I can see that?” Dove kissed Matthew’s neck and rubbed the top of his back soothingly. On the screen behind them came the sounds of sex, but Matthew relaxed as his angel made no move to push him.