The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio (3 page)

Men can feel stress about receiving oral sex. Having someone look at, watch the reactions of, smell, and taste your genitals is an intense experience for anyone—especially in our world of constant comparisons. He might be worried about his performance, size, or shape, or whether he’s responding appropriately to your touch. He might also be contending with sexual shame, which can cloud his ability to relax, let go, and enjoy what you’re doing. These anxieties are not limited to men—we all have issues regarding sexual comparisons and shame, which come from the culture we’ve grown up in. But oral sex in particular can bring these issues into sharp focus. If you feel as though your partner might have questions or anxieties about receiving fellatio, encourage him to read chapter 3, “For Him,” in which I cover men’s oral sex anxieties in detail.

Giving Head: Eye of the Beholder

Nothing makes me wet like when I feel him get extra hard in my mouth and then the spasms begin… I love to feel him come, really feel it come out of him, and have it shoot onto the back of my tongue and in my throat.

Going down on a man is one of life’s singular pleasures. Nothing compares to having the absolute focus of your lover’s heat, intensity, lust, and desire right in front of you, and in your mouth. You hold his enjoyment and his orgasm within the confines of your body. Make it a long, loving tribute, a gentle massage, a prolonged seduction, or a quick and dirty episode that you both share—it can be anything you like. Giving our lovers pleasure gives us pleasure, too. For some who like to give, it’s more a pleasure of the heart, mind, or soul; for others, it’s a direct pathway to their own arousal; or it can be both.

In a very general sense, there are two ways in which a blow job can be performed. There is
fellatio,
the technical term used to describe the act of a person going up and down on the penis; and there is
irrumation,
in which the giver stays stationary and the man receiving the blow job provides the in-and-out motion with his thrusting. However,
fellatio
is the colloquial blanket term for all things blow job, and that’s how I’ll be using the word throughout this book.

The idea of performing fellatio makes some people anxious, uncomfortable, even afraid. If you’re one of those people, then you may dislike feeling that oral sex is purely for the enjoyment of the person on the receiving side. You may not consider fellatio to be a sexually mutual act—especially if your perception of oral sex in general is negative.

Our culture perpetuates the image of the sexually receptive partner as being submissive; the very act of receipt is often thought of as a brand of humiliation and shame. It’s tough enough to shrug this notion off of how we view penetrative sex (vaginal and anal), but when it comes to fellatio, cultural perceptions everywhere suggest that anyone willing to put a guy’s penis in his or her mouth is dirty and disposable, and deserves no respect. However, these myths exist only in the eye of the beholder; any sex act between two people is what you make it.

Mixed into the myth of the soiled cocksucker is the idea that fellatio is done solely for the pleasure of the person getting the blow job. For as many people who believe this, there are probably twice as many who get wet or stiff from going down on a guy. The mouth is an erogenous zone that triggers erotic responses, and for many people simply the act of taking him in their mouth (or just the idea of it) can trigger powerful arousal or even orgasm.

If you still feel uncomfortable about fellatio, indulge me for a moment and try on a new idea, just to see how it feels: the flip side. Many people view taking a man’s erect penis into their mouth as an act of unrivaled intimacy and sharing. For some people, being up close to his most private areas, face-to-face with his pleasure, able to kiss and adore him in the most immediate way, is a closeness that can’t be found in other sex acts. Many people find oral sex to be more intimate than intercourse. That he feels comfortable with your face in close contact with his genitals is an erotically charged gift of unrivaled trust. Plus, the fact that you can see his desire for you, and he can see yours for him, right there, makes it a delicious moment of sharing.

The connection I feel with my partner while getting head is amazing. There’s nothing more beautiful—it’s like the hottest, sexiest thing I can be engaged in, and the more I know she’s enjoying it, the hotter it is.

You’ve probably heard this phrase, or something similar: “Who do I have to blow to get a cup of coffee around here?” It’s a stereotypical perception in our culture to regard blow jobs as a commodity, effectively removing the “sex” from the act. But it’s a sexual act, and quite an intense one for the giver and the receiver. It’s confusing to reconcile these two views, and the end result is often a perception of giving head as a sex act that reduces the giver’s status. When people joke about giving head for coffee, then what’s the worth of the person going down? It’s this way of looking at fellatio that makes it easy to think of giving blow jobs—and sex in general—as degrading.

If you’re reluctant to try fellatio, or you feel bad when you do it, examine where these feelings are coming from. Sexual shame is a learned behavior, and if we want to, we can unlearn negative attitudes about sex. Are you worried that he’ll have less respect for you if you give him head? Worried that you’ll respect yourself less? Ask yourself why you feel this way about your lover, yourself, and fellatio. If he’s the type of person who treats you negatively after fellatio, then he’s certainly going to treat you negatively in all other aspects of intimate contact, and you should ask yourself some tough questions about your relationship.

If your feelings are directed inward, or if you have an imaginary gallery of judges in your head, ask yourself how realistic you’re being about your feelings and where they stem from. Are you being too hard on yourself? Do you really want to be with this person? What do you think is going to change after you go down on a man? Who taught you to feel this way about fellatio, and does it make sense to you? These questions are not easy to answer. But if you are ashamed about a sex act that you’d like to try, you’ll feel better and enjoy yourself more if you understand why you’re feeling the way you are.

If you’re working on your level of comfort with fellatio, you can put a few things into practice to help you along. Reading this book and finding concrete answers to your questions is a great place to start. There are exercises in these pages that you’ll want to try, such as practicing on a dildo so you can get used to fellatio’s physical sensations. Talking to your lover is another way to establish comfort, and you can voice concerns you might have, such as worries about gagging, or let him know if you don’t want him to come in your mouth or put his hands on your head. You can also try situations or positions that will address your concerns: giving a blow job in the shower will ensure cleanliness, having him lie flat on his back will give you the most control. Whether or not he ejaculates in your mouth is up to you, and you can address this in different ways. Should you decide that you’d rather he didn’t, you can discuss a signal he can give you before he’s going to come (for instance, giving you a tap on the shoulder), and you can have him come elsewhere. Techniques for this are presented in chapter 7, “Giving Head.”

She has long, deep red hair that’s slightly wavy and very thick. Fantastic to run my fingers through during sex and especially during a blow job.

I hate even thinking about having a guy hold my head when I suck him. I tried it once and it felt like I was going to suffocate!

High on the list of givers’ concerns about fellatio is the notion of control: giving head can sometimes make you feel vulnerable, as if the person you’re performing the act on has more power than you. In this scenario the fear is of being pushed too far, beyond your own boundaries, for someone else’s sexual satisfaction. You might be afraid that he’s going to thrust uncontrollably into your mouth, or grab your head and hold you down. Be up front with him about where you stand with having your head touched before his pants are unzipped. If you don’t get this chance, but decide to go down anyway, decide that if he touches your head you’re just going to stop what you’re doing, move his hands to his own body, then proceed. He should get the message. For techniques and positions that can help you counter the movements of a man who thrusts uncontrollably, see chapter 8, “Any Way You Want It.”

When I had less experience with blow jobs I worried about whether he was clean or not. I was always worried that he’d smell like pee or something, and it really freaked me out. Now I’ve done it several times, and it’s never as gross as I thought it might be.

Perhaps you’re not as worried about whether it’s a dirty thing to do as you are about whether he’s the dirty one—literally. Growing up, we’re all taught that sex organs are dirty, and it’s hard to shake this view as we become adults. Because we tend to see genitals as unclean, the idea of putting a penis in your mouth may make you think twice. If you find yourself feeling this way, get the facts on male anatomy and physiology in chapter 2, “The Anatomy of a Man’s Pleasure,” before you go any further. If you’re with a new partner and are worried about sexually transmitted diseases, read about what fellatio can put you at risk for in chapter 4, “Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations.” But if you’re already aware of the facts and still feel reluctant, try catching him after he takes a shower, or try taking a seductive bath together before fellatio; this way you’ll know he’s squeaky clean.

I was pretty scared the first time I went down on a guy, but it turned out fine. We were in the bathtub, and when he came I hardly noticed because everything was already wet.

If you have concerns about safer sex, cleanliness, or other health issues, your concerns are covered in later chapters. Get the facts about what you need to know, and then you can make an informed decision based on your own comfort level. He may have a few concerns of his own, especially if he’s never tried it before (or tried it with you), so feel free to point him to chapters of this book to allay fears, dispel myths, or simply answer any questions he might have.

Talk About It

If you’re chomping on the bit to give your lover some oral sex that will feel genuinely pleasurable, you want to go down and he’s reluctant to let you, or you want to change something about fellatio in your sex life, then talking about it will give you a starting point. Not every man in the world has had a blow job, so it’s possible that you’re reading this book wanting to give or get head for the first time. Also, some men who have received fellatio have not enjoyed it, and telling your partner what you like or dislike, or asking him what stimulation he enjoys, can seem daunting. It’s also possible that you’re reading this from the perspective of wanting to give or receive strap-on fellatio, but need a way to introduce the act to your existing partnership.

Talking to your partner about sex can feel stressful. In fact, even thinking about talking about sex is stressful sometimes! If you’ve never brought up the subject of sex with your partner, don’t worry. Telling your partner that you want something in your sex life to change is scary if you have a routine. Opening yourself up and asking for something you want sexually takes courage, strategy, and a little forethought about why your partner might be reluctant. Just keep in mind that in all matters of sex, it will only happen if someone is brave enough to say, “I want to…”

If you’re planning to introduce a new erotic behavior, such as fellatio or strap-on cocksucking, or want to change the way you have oral sex together, you’re probably wondering how your partner will react. When you don’t normally talk about sex in your relationship and one of you suddenly starts to, it can seem upsetting at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve had sexual secrets all along. But it’s very likely that your opening up the can of worms will give them the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.

Before you begin, think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you: Would you feel more comfortable renting a mainstream movie with an oral sex scene in it, and commenting on the scene (some possibilities are
Two Guys and a Girl, Pretty Woman, Boogie Nights,
or
Body of Evidence
)? Or do you think you’d feel okay asking your sweetie what he thinks of fellatio while you’re entwined in an intimate cuddle? Try giving him a collection of erotic stories as a gift, or read aloud a story that contains a fellatio scene that’s to your liking (see the book recommendations in chapter 12, “Independent Study”). Another technique you can try is telling him you want to confess a fantasy—a sexual fantasy—and that he isn’t to reply right away. Tell him that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both parties time to feel safe about the exchange.

Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out, and ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain why this is important, and how good this new sexual behavior is going to make you feel—and be sure to reassure them that you find them incredibly sexy. Whether you’re reading this from the perspective of wanting to give or receive head, the most important thing to think through beforehand is how you are going to make your partner feel safe when talking about it. Rehearse what you’d like to say in your head before you actually have the conversation. Think through possible scenarios, and think about how they might react, so you are prepared to flow with whichever route the discussion might take.