The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio (8 page)

For some people, fantasies aren’t an area they care to explore. Because they come from our imagination, and therefore are connected with our subconscious, fantasies can be startling, unpredictable, and sometimes even shocking. When we become aroused it’s easy to surrender ourselves to whatever movie we’re running in our heads, and push it in the direction that gets us closer to orgasm—but sometimes afterward, we might realize that what got us off was beyond what we deem acceptable in our daily lives. It’s easy to feel guilty after a fantasy has gone somewhere we find unpleasant or offensive. Admitting this guilt can make us feel shame about sex, our desires, or even who we are. Especially if the fantasy was powerful and included something that we would never do in real life, like degrade ourselves or betray a loved one. When fantasies move toward the arenas of everyday life (as they are bound to do), they can manifest in ways that make us uncomfortable.

Sometimes it’s not the content of the fantasies that can trigger guilt, but the time and place they occur. They can happen at inconvenient times, such as at work or on the bus, placing you in a sexually charged situation in your head while the world goes on around you—this may feel inappropriate or “dirty.” Or they can happen during sex with a partner; while the partner is fully present (yet unaware), you are imagining things to get yourself off from the stimulation that they provide. The illusion is created that somehow you’ve betrayed them. It’s important to understand the role of fantasy in sex before beating yourself up about what, how, with whom, or when you fantasize.

We all know that fantasy is not reality. But when we masturbate and imagine troubling things, people, or situations, our human curiosity kicks in and we ask ourselves if these things are what we really want. For some people this is a horrifying thought. It’s important to keep in mind that fantasies don’t necessarily bear any relationship to reality. The realm of fantasy is the sanctuary in your mind where you are free to enjoy things that you would never do in real life. And fantasy is not only a place where we can court the forbidden but also a powerful sex toy that can be used for arousal, heightening pleasure, and achieving climax.

Think about your fantasies for a moment, whether they are vivid, vague, seemingly mundane, or a little scary. Don’t try to look deeply into their meanings, just pick out their main themes. What you’re doing is isolating what it is that makes them a peak erotic experience for you and mining them for their erotic potential. Keep your mind open, and reserve judgment on yourself—this isn’t about “good” and “bad,” it’s about understanding what turns you on. Note what stands out, and the important differences between what is possible in fantasy and what is possible in reality.

Now you’re getting an idea of your main fantasy components. Think about what your favorite themes are, or try on new ideas that appeal to you. Feel comfortable with tapping into what these fantasies trigger when you want to become aroused. Remember that if you fantasize about something shocking, like being forced to perform sex, it doesn’t mean that you want it to happen or that you are a bad person. But by identifying it in the realm of your fantasies, you can find a safe space where imagination fuels desire. By learning how to turn yourself on with fantasy, you can do extraordinary things, such as making yourself really aroused and teaching yourself a new masturbation technique (for instance, delaying orgasm). Or you can fantasize while your partner goes down on you, and learn to orgasm with the combination of their stimulation and your fantasy. Or if you have established trust and good sexual communication with a partner, you can share your fantasies—you can even make some of them come true.

Use your fantasies freely when you masturbate, and use masturbation as a tool to learn about, explore, and enhance your own sexuality. As former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, M.D., said about masturbation, “It’s practicing for sex.” Here are some suggestions for masturbation:

• Learn your own topography. Read about your anatomy in chapter 2, “The Anatomy of a Man’s Pleasure.”

• Set aside some time for yourself when you have no obligations and some privacy. Treat yourself to something nice and sensual, like a relaxing shower or bath, a new lubricant, or an adult magazine or movie.

• Try masturbating in different positions. You can sit in a chair, lie on your belly or back, or visit different rooms in your house.

• Get familiar with your own touch, running your hands all over your torso, thighs, ass, and genitals. Make yourself acquainted with your cock and balls by touching them, and look at them in a mirror if you can (and if you’re comfortable with this).

• Using lubricant, caress your genitals with your hands, spending time to linger in the spots that feel good. Familiarize yourself with the different skin textures and colors, and take note of your favorite spots. Circle the head with the palm of your hand, massage it making a fist, or even pinch it gently with your fingers

• Guys use vibrators, too. If you want to use a vibrator, set it on its lowest speed and run it over your thighs, on your pubic mound, and at the base of your penis. Experiment with touching your perineum, scrotum, and penis with the vibrator. Get yourself in the mood with indirect stimulation, then move the vibe where it feels best. Trust yourself.

• If you’d like to learn a different technique for masturbation or orgasm, get yourself aroused—really aroused—with your regular technique and slowly begin to introduce the new behavior. It may not catch on the first few times, but it will as you continue to incorporate it into your pleasure cycle.

• Remember to breathe! Some men tend to hold their breath as they reach orgasm, but guys who use Tantric practices say that their orgasms are more intense when they use deep breathing techniques as they masturbate. As you touch yourself, inhale deeply into your belly and imagine the breath going all the way down into your pelvis, then back out.

• Tease yourself. When something feels really good—as in, imminent-orgasm good—back off and touch yourself somewhere else, such as your nipples. This prolongs your pleasure and can make your orgasm really intense.

• Don’t be afraid to bring your techniques into your partnered encounters. It may seem a little scary at first, but most lovers will want to know what you like and will find it really exciting if you show them. Masturbating during oral sex can make for some mind-blowing encounters.

Head Etiquette

I hate it when guys are silent while I’m blowing them. I want to hear dirty talk! I don’t want him to be passive.

Fellatio is really hot when both partners are actively involved. Sure, it’s nice to lie back, enjoy, and relax, but there are a few things you can—and should—do to make your lover feel included and appreciated, and to help allay any fears a reluctant partner might have. Consider for a moment what your partner is encountering when they go down on you. They’re going to be up close to your genitals and in a position that may feel vulnerable or even physically uncomfortable. They will be taking in a whole lot of sensory information, such as sights, sounds and—oh yes—smells, in addition to wanting to accommodate your needs, while staying comfortable in what can sometimes be cramp-inducing positions.

Before you begin, if you have the slightest inkling that you may be about to have an oral escapade, take a minute to visually inspect your genitals, and run your hands, a hairbrush, or a comb through your pubic hair to remove any strays. Taking a shower before may not be possible (unless that’s part of your evening’s erotic agenda), but for squeamish partners a shower or bath might be a prerequisite. If you know you really need a shower, gently let your partner know, and they’ll likely be thrilled that you care about their comfort and desire enough to be aware of their experience.

Whether to spit or swallow semen is an issue that goes through the mind of everyone who goes down on a man. Some don’t mind it and feel quite neutral about the topic; others enjoy the taste of a man and love to swallow. In equal measure there are people who find the concept distasteful, and for a variety of reasons: the taste, the texture, their comfort level with fellatio, their comfort with a particular person, or simply their comfort around bodily fluids in general. For some it is an act of devotion, while others don’t think twice about it. It is extremely good etiquette to find out how your partner feels about you ejaculating in their mouth. If your sweetie is unsure about swallowing, let them know that you will tap their shoulder (or establish some other signal) when you are close to orgasm, so they may decide what they want to do when you ejaculate.

Fellatio as a sex act has a power dynamic implied, whether you intend it to or not. Many people see the person giving head as submissive, and the person getting head as the powerful one, the one in control. This perception comes from a number of different sources; gender stereotypes, the pure physical interpretation of the act, media portrayal of fellatio, and the fact that it is a sex act that can be forced on an unwilling partner. In established relationships (or carefully negotiated ones), there is a level of trust and communication that addresses this issue—but for a significant number of people, the power implications involved in fellatio are always present in the back of their mind. Some people feel downright uncomfortable about the surrender they feel is implicit in giving head, and they can have such powerful feelings about it that they might not want to do it at all. These feelings are especially sharp for abuse survivors.

Unless you have clearly negotiated a power-exchange dynamic, be patient and let your partner go at their own pace. Thrusting into their mouth, or grabbing their hair or the sides of their head, will freak out anyone who already feels uncomfortable about fellatio. Sometimes the feeling of being forced—even a little—can trigger strong negative emotions. You may discover that your partner enjoys this, but you must find out explicitly beforehand.

Be fully present and aware of your partner’s reactions. If they gag, back off and let them take the lead. Muscle fatigue may make their tongue and mouth sore—actions of the tongue and neck require a lot of energy. It might seem frustrating to have them switch to using their hands when you are close to coming, but it’s a natural part of the sex play cycle, and a momentary switch in activities or a change in position will make your orgasm all the sweeter.

Staying Safe and Getting Off

Some people think that receiving oral sex is a passive act—you just sit back and enjoy the pleasure—but it’s really not. Sure, you could lie back, close your eyes, and transport yourself to a fantasy realm (nothing wrong with that), but even when you’re “checked out,” you still are participating as one half of a two-person sex act. It’s important to keep this in mind and to have already thought about a couple of things before you engage in fellatio.

Begin by concerning yourself with safety—the safety of both yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted infections and viruses, in addition to the emotional safety of both people involved. Though in chapter 4, “Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations,” I go into detail about safer sex during fellatio, you should know that fellatio, when performed to ejaculation, is considered an activity that puts both parties at moderate risk. Fellatio without ejaculation is in the low-risk category, though it’s possible that you could pick up a virus if your partner has cuts or sores in their mouth.

One way to approach safer sex is to think about it as a process of trying your best to make informed choices about sex. Just as with any potentially risky act—a risky move on the freeway, giving your phone number to someone you just met—making an informed decision about sex acts requires that we know the risks we are taking when we choose to do these things.

The fact of the matter is that if you are unprotected, you are at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. If your partner has mouth sores or tiny cuts from having recently brushed or flossed their teeth, then the risk is increased—for both of you. If your partner has a viral STD such as herpes, or HPV, you can be infected by receiving a blow job without a condom. (There is a small chance you could be infected with hepatitis C this way, too.) And if you have an STD, such as HPV, hepatitis C, or HIV, you can infect your partner through unprotected fellatio. It is essential to use protection—latex or nonlatex condoms—if either of you has a viral STD. But be sure that you don’t use animal-skin condoms, such as lambskin, for safer-sex protection of any kind; they won’t keep you safe.

Similarly, bacterial STDs, such as chlamydia and syphilis, can be transmitted through unprotected fellatio. Both the person giving fellatio and the person receiving are at risk, though the risk level is very low. If one of you has a bacterial infection, such as chlamydia, it’s a good idea to use barriers until you’ve completed treatment.

Some STDs can remain dormant for as long as a few years, so it’s possible to give someone something you didn’t even know you had. Add to all this the fact that conventional medical wisdom on safer sex and transmission of viruses and bacteria is subject to change, and can change often. Whenever in doubt, check with your doctor and keep abreast of new information by keeping up with the Centers for Disease Control, who conveniently have an STD section on their Web site, updated whenever there is new information (see chapter 13, “Resources,” for contact information).

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4

Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations