The Vagina Ass of Lucifer Niggerbastard (2 page)

They don’t worship jack shit other than that.” He made another gesture. “So I say fuck ‘em. They’ve had their shot. Its time the world was run by Niggerbastards. Plus, I’m totally fucking your sister Venus and she told me to save Lucifer and not to fuck him in the ass like I do my brother Neptune.”

“ARG!” Juno shouted. “You are so fucking grounded, Jupiter!”

“You can’t fucking ground me, cunt.” Jupiter grinned. “I’m your fucking uncle-husband.”

“Fine!” She screamed. “Then no fucking anal sex for a millennium! How’s that for fucking gayity, you faggot retard?”

“I don’t fucking care.” Jupiter shrugged. “Your ass smells like a camel corpse that’s been rotting in a pool of dick cheese and nigger vomit for ten years. Plus, your sister is tighter than you.”

“She is not!” Juno yelled.

“Bitch please.” Jupiter laughed. “When I fuck your rotten skanky ass, its fucking hotdog in a hallway time. That’s what giving birth to a fucking world will do to you.”

“I didn’t give birth to the fucking world you moron. That was your gay fucking mother after you stuck your dick in her ear and crammed shit logs up her nose.”

“Right.” He nodded. “So what’s your excuse for being a loose, floppy cunt again?”

“Hades just has a bigger dick than you.” She shot back. “Plus its fucking chrome plated and he plays guitar with it so he’s fucking hella skilled. And I’m fucking Charon and Eris and Hypnos and Alecto and Chronos and Cerberus and Priapus and Augustus and Octavian and Cassius and Petronius and Plautus and Claudius and Seneca and Germanicus and Nero and Tarquinus Superbus and Ceres and Persephone and Caliope and all of Modesto, California and Cybele and Mythras and Jesus and Castor and Pollox and Bacchus and Apollo and Diana and Mars and Vulcan and Hephaestus and Pluto and Quirius and Vesta and Abraham Lincoln and Odin and Concordia and Orcus and Shiva and Yahweh and your grandma and Vishnu and fifty dwarves and Krishna and Rasputin and Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin and Cupid and Faunus and Sherlock Holmes and Cthulhu and Xenu and a giant dickless baby and Johnathon Swift and William Shakespeare and John Dryden and MacFlecknoe and Percy Shelley and a giant bottle of puke and Cordelia and Goneril and Cicero and Pliny the Younger and Thomas Jefferson and Adolf Hitler and your baby’s daddy and the Holy Ghost and the Archangel Gabriel and the tire fire and Gregor Mendel and the HMS Beagle and Captain Mac and Pliny the Elder and Frontinus and Francis Bacon and Cato and Horace and Cylea Von Mitternacht and Juvenal and several future terrorists and the Unibomber and the moon and Martial and Tacitus and Mozart and Beethoven and Proserpina and a rotting pizza and an entire elderly care facility and a pack of illegal aliens and Hecate and Horus and Isis and Flora and Mercury and Janus and Uranus and Hercules and fifteen professional wrestlers and Thor’s Hammer and Tantalus and Turnus and Pallas and a thousand Nigerian refugees and Camilla and Hyppolyta and Oberon and Fachan and Pyrgopolinices and Trimalchio and Brutus and Rhea Silva and Romulus and even his brother Remus, though its more fun to sandwich the fuckers and dick them with a strap on while they moan into each-others’ vomit-covered mouths.”

“Fuck me sideways to the moon and back on a Sunday!” Jupiter thundered, brushed the sweat from his brow. “Hey! Mercury! Get your fat faggot ass up here!”

In a puff of green shit and dick juice, Mercury jumped sideways through the clouds and came to a stop just short of where Jupiter sat.

“How can I be of service, your high holy dicksnatch?”

“Did you sleep with my niece-wife?” Jupiter demanded. Mercury grinned.

“Begging your pardon, fuckwit, but who hasn’t?”

“Jesus Christ, you’re a whore.” Jupiter shook his head in frustration. “Still, this doesn’t fucking change anything. I am still going to protect these faggots.” He shifted, shatnered on the chihuahua again. “Any storms you raise, anything bad you throw their way comes out of your sex allowance.”

“My sex allowance!?” Juno screamed “You bastard! I need every one of those fucks to keep from killing fools with my fucking gat!”

“What are you in your thirties again?” Jupiter shot back. “I swear, bitches in their thirties love cock more than life itself! They’re like a fat faggot at a buffet yelling ‘BRING MORE DICK!’”

“WOW, fuck you.” Juno stomped out, rubbing her floppy cunt against Mercury’s leg as she passed him.

“I’m going to go hang out with people who understand me for a fucking change.”

“I wish my lawn was that fucking stupid and emo.” Jupiter shared a grin with Mercury, jerked his thumb toward Juno’s retreating ass. “It would probably cut itself!”

“That’s okay, your fuckwittedness.” Mercury clicked his gay-winged heels. “That’s what babies with sharp objects taped to their faces are for!”

CHAPTER 5: THE DEAD FUCKER IN THE DIRT

When the magical Ass Fairy from the shitty side of the foreskin rainbow’s faggotty ass-shaped boat shot up into the sky, it didn’t stay there. It did some sweet flips and shit, a thirty-eighty, a fucking barrel roll and a dead baby Macdouble triple double bread gap sack tap. The magic dick in the bottom of the boat got so fucking hard that it started fucking everything it could touch and the sack of babyshit had a grand old fucking time with it. While the boat was flying, Lucifer Niggerbastard grew three mullets, one on his head, one on his cock and one in his ass.

And then the ass-shaped boat broke the fucking light barrier and crashed into an ocean. Then it coasted along the waves and smashed all up on a beach full of pink and sparkly rocks. The ocean moaned like a faggot being railed in the ass with a giant spiky elephant dick as Lucifer Niggerbastard got to his feet and yanked the sack of babyshit out of the assboat wreckage.

“That was a fucking gay time!” Lucifer yelled.

“Holy shit on a sausage!”

“Jesus Christ!” The sack of babyshit burbled. “I thought I was a goner! I saw my whole gay life flash before my eyes and most of it was times when I danced naked with a lead-filled sausage on top of a taxicab in downtown tokyo with a gay gimp-armed cowboy shooting a lettuce gun at me!”

“I remember those hot times!” Lucifer laughed. “I fucking slapped your babyshit ass so hard one of those times you flew off the taxi cab and shot liquid cunt crust onto fucking hella nips and gooks and chinks that were watching like gay little bitches!”

“Hey!” Someone yelled.

“Holy shit! What was that?” The sack of babyshit burbled fearfully.

“It came from over here!” Lucifer pointed at a patch of dirt shaped like a dead guy. “What the fuck?”

“Hey!” The patch of dirt yelled. “What the fuck!?

This is my fucking beach! What the fuck are you god damned kids doing on my shitting beach!?” But by the time he had finished, Lucifer and the sack of babyshit had reached the spot and stood staring down at it. A flower shaped like an ass with a dick in it that leaked a smell like donkey vomit had sprouted in the center of the patch and moved whenever the voice yelled: “FUCK YOU!!!”

“What!?” Lucifer yelled. “Fuck you, flower!” And with that, he yanked the cockass flower out of the dirt. The instant he pulled the thing up by its roots, a fat geyser of chunky period-style cunt blood shot out of the hole where it had been and sprayed both Lucifer and the sack of babyshit until they were so drenched they could barely move. The sack of shit burbled again.

“Oh my fucking god I love you. Best tasting explosion of cunt blood ever!”

“Who the fuck are you fuckers?” One gay old glass eye rolled around in the hole, squinted at them. “Holy shit! Lucifer Niggerbastard!?”

Lucifer squinted back, made a gay face. “That’s my name. Don’t fucking wear it out!”

“Holy shit on a new pair of socks!” The patch of dirt shaped like a dead guy yelled. “Oh my fucking god! Do you know what this means?”

“No.” Said Lucifer Niggerbastard. “What the fuck does it mean?”

“It means the prophesy of the vagina-ass is close to being fulfilled! Welcome to beaner-land, Niggerbastard!”

“Who the fuck are you?” The sack of babyshit burbled interrogatively.

“Me?” The patch of dirt exclaimed happily “I am Lowrider Dewrag Dicksalsa, King of the Beaners!”

“And what the fuck are you doing in the dirt?” Lucifer asked.

“Well, I’m dead, obviously, you stupid fuckwit loser.” The king laughed. “Listen, over the hills and through the woods but about five miles past grandma’s house is the city of Carthage. My gay ass dyke ex-wife whom I love dearly lives there and rules the place like a super dyke. I want you to go there and fuck her silly, okay?”

“Sure thing, King!” Lucifer said, then he pulled out the Ass fairy’s magic wand and shot the king of the Beaners in his gay face.

“FAGGOTS? IN MY VAGINA?” Yelled the queen.

“It’s more likely than you think, your fuckwittedness.” Groveled the footman.

“Off with their cocks!” She shouted. “I want all of their dicks on a fucking shit covered silver platter with frenchie fucking froggie frenchy sauce.”

“But ma’am!” Shouted one of the footmen, an especially gay-looking young man with pictures of clowns getting fucked in the ass on his sleeves. “These faggots come from the city of Troy! Our lookouts say they came in an ass-shaped boat that crashed on our shores just this morning!” He swallowed. “They could be the chosen faggots of Antioch! The fellowship of the Vagina-Ass! The entourage that is prophesied in the teachings of all those gay fuckers from ancient times!”

“Really!?” The queen tittered. “How many did our lookouts see?”

“Just two, Ma’am!” Another footman piped up.

Dogs and horses ate each others’ shit in a unique floral design printed across his chest. “A man with three mullets and a burbling sack of babyshit.”

“It must be the prophesy!” The queen thundered.

“Holy shit! Bring them to me!”

“Wait a minute, bitch!”

The queen whirled, found herself staring the goddess Juno in her floppy cunt face.

“Listen here you stupid whore.” Juno grabbed the queen by the front of her shit-purple dress. “Have you ever actually read the prophesy of the vagina-ass?” The queen shook her head quickly. “Lucifer Niggerbastard, keeper of the vagina-ass will give birth to a gay fucking nation of Niggerbastards who will come and destroy your shithole city in about eighty fucking billion years!”

“They will!?” The queen sputtered. “Holy shit! Off with their heads! Off with their heads!”

“Now wait a second.” Mercury appeared in a puff of dick cheese and green penis-shaped nickels that bounced all around the floor like gay jumping beans.

“Juno! Your uncle-husband is going to be fucking pissed if you interrupt the gay prophesy like this!”

“Jupiter can stuff it!” She shouted back. “I will not lose Carthage to the Niggerbastards, now or ever!”

“If you look at the prophesy, Juno, Lucifer is destined to fall in love with the Dyke Queen of Carthage.” He grinned conspiratorially. “Imagine: We enlist the help of that lazy fat fucker Cupid, have him bite Lucifer Niggerbastard on the ass with his gay love venom and have Neptune destroy all the boats in the whole goddamned harbor. Lucifer will have no choice but to fuck the Dyke Queen’s brains out endlessly and give birth to a nation of Niggerbastards right here in Carthage! Imagine! Millions of Niggerbastards worshipping only you!”

“Holy shit, you’re right!” Juno dropped the queen.

“Mercury! Fetch that fucker Cupid! Fetch Neptune!

Lets do this shit!”

And with a puff of something that smelled like shit-covered dicks fucking rotten eggs, both Juno and Mercury disappeared, leaving the Dyke Queen reeling in her chambers.

“So…” The gayest footman trilled. “Off with their heads?”

“No, you fuckwit!” The queen slapped him in the face with her cock-shaped scepter. “Bring Lucifer Niggerbastard and his sack of burbling babyshit to me!”

“Use this to cover your faces so you’ll look like a bunch of fucking retards when you enter Carthage.” Grandma advised, handing Lucifer Niggerbastard and the sack of babyshit leprechaun shit colored knitted blankets as they left her house. “The people of Carthage are so fucking nice to retards, you wouldn’t believe it. They’ll feed you and fuck you in the ass and give you free nachos and pizza and shit.”

“I fucking love you, Grandma.” Lucifer hugged her, smearing shit all over her face. “I’ll never forget you.”

“How sweet.” She smiled. “Now you boys be good little faggots for Grandma, okay?”

“Yes Ma’am!” The sack of babyshit burbled. “We most definitely will!”

And with that, they set off for Carthage, leprechaun shit colored knitted blankets in hand.

Along the way, they met a faggot who they shot, but it isn’t important. When they got to the gates, they covered themselves in the leprechaun shit blankets and hobbled in like a bunch of gymped idiots.

“NURR! HURR HEEHA DERP!” They shouted.

“ME LIKE DICK!” and suddenly they were beset by a bunch of retard loving idiots who offered them cock-shaped cookies and dysentery pizza. But Lucifer had other plans, and as he waved the idiots away retardedly, he set his sights on the Dyke Queen of Carthage, who stood on top of her purple, dick-shaped tower, nestled in a chair built like fat cunt lips.

The words of Lowrider Dewrag Dicksalsa, the King of the Beaners, came back to him.

My gay ass dyke ex-wife whom I love dearly lives there and rules the place like a super dyke. I want you to go there and fuck her silly, okay?

“Wise words, my friend, but how?” Lucifer whispered.

Then, as if on cue, the queen shifted in her cunt-chair and bent over, spraying the people of Carthage with a typhoon of ass juice that they danced in like little faggots. Mesmerized by the stream of liquid dick pouring out of her prodigious rectum, Lucifer didn’t even notice as the hunchbacked and bulbous-eyed fatass they call Cupid stumped up to him and bit him on the ass. By the time he felt the pain, the little fucker’s venom had soaked into his blood and suddenly he was in love. He didn’t care about any fucking thing– he just wanted to fuck the Dyke Queen of Carthage until her brain fell out her ass.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, needledick?” The sack of babyshit burbled. “Hey! Hey fuck ass!