The Vast Fields of Ordinary (22 page)

“Come on,” Alex finally said. His voice was quiet, serious. “Let’s go inside.”

His friends parted. Jay led the way through the front door with Lucy and me close behind. I could feel Alex close behind me and then I couldn’t, and I looked back and saw him talking calmly to Chip McGraw, just a few inches from his face. Chip was staring back at him coolly, his anger slowly turning into something else, something more dangerous. The corners of his mouth were slightly perked in a small, menacing smile.

“What did you say to him?” I asked once Alex had caught up with us in the foyer.

“Nothing. Let’s make our rounds and get out of here.”

The main hall was crammed with people standing around, their voices mixing with the hip-hop that was playing all through the house. The floor bounced under my feet with each thump of the bass. A curved staircase led up to the second floor, where a line of girls stretched along the railing, their fingers loosely holding plastic cups over the crowd of people below them as they took note of the comings and goings. About half of them whispered and looked down at us, specifically at Alex. He looked up at them and gave a little wave. Three of them broke from the line and hurried down the stairs.

“Gotta do some business,” Alex said, patting me on the shoulder. “You three mingle or something. Worst-case scenario we’ll meet up back here in half an hour. Text me if there’s trouble. Stick together.”

Alex broke away and met the girls at the bottom of the stairs. They all had wads of cash in their hands. I thought about how so many of his relationships seemed based on drugs. I wondered if we’d ever create a bond that would be stronger than that, a bond that would set us apart from that world.

“Let’s find booze,” Lucy said. “Otherwise this is going to be unbearable.”

“I hear that,” Jay said.

The three of us made our way through the crowded house and into the backyard. The McGraws’ pool was bigger than ours, and yes, it made me just a little bit jealous. People were splashing each other and wrestling over inflatable rafts and beach balls. Others were lying on the chaise longues, smoking cigarettes and pot, pointing at the antics going on in the water. There were clusters of kids everywhere engaged in loud conversations, girls screaming yes and no and laughing and guys high-fiving and roughhousing. There was a table off to the side covered with bottles of booze and mixers, red plastic cups and bowls of sliced lemons and limes, and standing right beside it were Judy and Jessica. We all noticed each other at the same time.

“Those girls with the hooker makeup don’t look happy to see us,” said Jay.

“Me,” I said. “They’re not happy to see me.”

“I could take them,” Lucy said.

We went over to the table and made ourselves drinks without saying anything. I focused on mixing the perfect vodka and cranberry. I could feel them off to my left, staring.

“Hey,” Judy said. “Hey you. In the green shirt.”

I looked over at them, trying to give off the impression of someone who didn’t care.

“Nice haircut, blowjob,” Judy said.

“Nice tits, slutbag,” Lucy shot back.

“Who in the hell are you?” Jessica said.

“We’re with Alex Kincaid,” Jay said. “So leave us alone. We’ll be gone as soon as he’s done.”

“Alex is here?” Jessica asked. She turned to Judy. “Do we want anything?”

“Since when did you guys start hanging out with Alex Kincaid?” Judy asked us.

“We’re his friends,” Jay said.

Judy rolled her eyes.

“Whatever,” she said. She looked directly at me. “Hey, blowjob. If I see you even
looking
at my boyfriend, I’ll fucking eviscerate your spleen.”

“Why don’t you tell
him
to stay away from
me
,” I said.

“Like that would ever happen,” Jessica said, cocking a nostril in disgust.

“Watch your mouth,” Judy said, stepping toward me.

“Okay,” Jay said. “Time to move to a different area of the party.”

We retreated to a less populated area of the yard.

“Those girls are super pleasant,” Jay said.

“Ignore them,” I said. “I think Judy’s just pissed because somewhere she knows that her boyfriend is still after me.”

“Scandalabra,” Jay said.

“This party is like a mixer of suck,” Lucy said. “It’s like the place you’d go to meet people you’d never want to meet.”

We stayed quiet for a bit, just watched everything happening around us. Jay whipped out his new cell phone, some skinny silver thing he’d ordered from Japan that played MP3s and took crystal-clear video. He showed Lucy how it worked. I just stood back and watched it all. From the outskirts of the party the whole thing looked sorta beautiful. Everyone was so happy. Even Jessica and Judy had stopped sneering and were now pouring tequila shots with Travis Peabody and the hotness that was Darnell Jackson. Their mouths all hung open in laughter. Someone shot a bottle rocket out one of the windows toward the top of the house, and everyone started whooping and yelling. Two more came out in quick succession, almost like echoes. Twin whistles sailing over our heads and popping out over the neighbor’s yard.

Jay looked up. “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. This party is so gonna get busted.”

“I sorta want to get in the pool,” Lucy said. “Is that terrible?”

“I’d get in the pool,” Jay said. “Dade, would you get in the pool?”

“I’m not getting in the pool.”

“Jay, Dade
has
a pool. He’s over pools.”

“I’m not over pools,” I said. “I’m just not taking my shirt off in front of any of these people.”

“I’ll get in the pool with you,” said Jay.

“Did I say I was getting in the pool?”

“I feel like that’s where you were going with it,” Jay said.

Lucy stared at the people splashing around in the water. She bit her lip and shouted, “Screw it! Who cares?”

Jay let out a loud yell and pulled his shirt over his head. He’d barely passed it over to me before he was kicking off his shoes and dropping his pants. His hot pink briefs seemed electric against the dark brown of his skin. People were looking over at us. Lucy took off her shirt to reveal a leopard-patterned bra. And then her pants. She was wearing lacy turquoise panties, somehow weirdly unexpected. They ran and jumped into the pool. The rest of their clothes lay on the ground in two strangely controlled piles, as if their owners had simply evaporated. The two of them came up from underwater, laughing at the spontaneity of it all. I smiled too.
It’s the summer
, I thought. They waved and I waved back.

I retreated farther toward the back of the yard. There was a private little area there, a stone bench hidden behind two large Japanese lilacs. I ducked into the hiding spot and took a seat there with my drink and Jay’s blue T-shirt. The area was no larger than fifteen feet in diameter, with branches dangling just over my head and the sweet smell of lilac wrapping my head in an invisible cocoon. The noise and lights of the party went on beyond the branches and the leaves like some other world, one that wasn’t as meaningful as my new small one. I was still holding Jay’s blue T-shirt. I rubbed it between my fingers. It was the kind of T-shirt that made you jealous, it was that perfectly worn in. Without thinking, I brought it to my face and sniffed it. It smelled like fancy cologne and boy. I wondered where Alex was. I imagined him talking to some girl, charming her with his grin and listening to her talk about something pointless like her job at the mall or her new haircut before they made their transaction. Or maybe he was in a tiny room somewhere with Bert and some of the other guys playing straight and sharing a joint. Everywhere my mind put him made him feel far away and not mine.

“Hey. I thought that was you.”

I looked up. Pablo was standing in the small entrance to the space. He was buttoning the last button of his fly, probably after pissing somewhere in the dark recesses of the yard. Typical Pablo. His body was loose, lacking his usual rigidity. He was probably drunk or high or both.

“Hi,” I said in the least friendly tone I could muster.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

He came forward and sat beside me on the little stone bench. It was a lover’s bench, designed to inspire closeness. It was made for two people, but was actually only big enough for one and a half. My right arm pressed against his left, his familiar mass of muscle, skin, and bones pulsing next to me. I hated the way I could feel myself yearning for him whenever he came around. I wondered how long I’d have to wait until there was no trace of him in my heart or mind anymore.

“Isn’t this breaking the rules?” I asked. “Aren’t you afraid Judy is going to see us?”

“I’m just saying hello. Isn’t saying hello allowed?”

“You made up the rules,” I said. “You tell me.”

“Well, I say it’s allowed.” He was smiling, trying to be charming. It had been so long since he smiled at me like that. Compared to Alex’s winning grin, it was nothing. At least there was real affection and a genuine desire for connection behind Alex’s grin. Pablo’s was just a mask to throw me off.

“I’ve missed you this summer,” he said. “I’ve really, really missed you.”

“Good,” I said. “I hope you have.”

“Why you gotta be so mean?” he said.

“Why should I be nice to you after you were such a dick to me at Cherry’s?” I said.

“Oh, come on,” he said as if he’d completely forgotten about us running into each other there. “I was caught off guard. I was nervous.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t be like that,” I said. “I thought you were dedicated to Judy and a normal life and that whole idea.”

“I was,” he said. “I am. I just went there to make sure.”

“And are you?”

He waited a few seconds before speaking. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I met someone else,” I said. “So whatever you decide in the future, keep me out of it.”

He shot me a look of disbelief. I would’ve said he looked hurt, but I wasn’t sure that Pablo Soto could ever really feel pain or rejection.

“Fine,” he finally said. “Be that way. See if I care.”

“I’m sure you won’t,” I said. “You never do. It’s impossible for people like you. I’m finally over you. I’ve finally met someone who wants to be with me and doesn’t make me feel ashamed of who I am. I’m not sure even the best version of you could offer me that.”

I didn’t realize how fast my heart was beating until I was finished speaking. I finally felt bigger than our situation, bigger than his confusion. He stared at me in shock. It was clear he hadn’t expected there’d be someone else. We sat there in our little pocket of silence like some fucked-up version of
Romeo and Juliet
.

What if he moves in and kisses me?
I thought.
Would I want that?

But he didn’t move in and kiss me. Instead he just stood and ducked out of the little space and walked slowly back to the party. I opened my mouth to call out for him, but I couldn’t do that and still feel good about myself. I decided to let him wander off on his own, to let him be sad. Of course, this was all assuming that his sadness was real, which was a question that perhaps even he would have trouble answering. I wondered where he would go now, whether or not he would tell anyone we’d spoken. I hoped that someone had noticed us together and that somehow it would get back to Judy.

After a while I stood up and went back out into the yard. Lucy came jogging up to me, her clothes in her hands.

“Hey, kid,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Just watching,” I said. “Where’s Jay?”

“He met some girl. Can you believe it? They’re in the pool splashing each other like dorks.”

I searched for Jay among the people in pool. There he was, flirting it up with Decora Whitman. He had his arms around her waist and was pulling her backward through the water.

“She’s not bad,” I said. “A little dim, but we all are. I approve.”

Lucy rubbed her hand over my head.

“How’s it going? Is something wrong?”

“No,” I said. “I’m fine.”

“You seem spaced out.”

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“I just ran into Pablo.” I sighed. “But it’s fine.”

“You did?” she said. “Where is he? Was it okay?”

“It was fine,” I said. “He’s gone now. He said he missed me.”

“What did you say?” Lucy asked.

“I told him that it was too late for that.”

“Nice,” she said. “Screw him. But next time someone like that tells you they’re sorry you should say, ‘
Sorry
is the exact word I would use to describe you.’ My mom said that to my dad once. It was amazing. I use it all the time now.”

I burst out laughing. God, I loved her.

“Yeah, fuck him.” The moment I said it, I realized I didn’t totally mean it. Yes, fuck Pablo Soto for putting me through hell, but God help him for being so confused, for not knowing what he wanted.

“Let me put my clothes on and then let’s go inside,” said Lucy. “Rumor has it that there’s pizza in the kitchen, and I have major munchies.”

We left Jay in the pool with Decora, waving as we passed. He gave us a little nod, never breaking from the deep conversation it looked like they were having. There were only a few other people in the kitchen. There were three untouched pizzas on the kitchen table, their boxes open like oysters showing off their pearls.

“It’s like a desert mirage,” said Lucy. “But it’s not a mirage. It’s real and it’s my life.”

She grabbed a slice of pepperoni and green pepper and shoved about half of it into her mouth. A glob of sauce hit the floor with a splat.

“Text Alex,” Lucy said with a full mouth. “See where he’s at.”

I got out my phone and sent the message.

“So how are things with him?” Lucy asked. “With Alex. Are you feeling good? Feeling okay?”