The Woodlands (22 page)

Blood surrounds me, life-giving and life-taking. I am swimming in it and drowning in it. No matter what I do, I can never escape it.

Unfortunately for me, Apella walked with us for the next couple of days. Clara had asked her to and I couldn’t object. She was the only one who knew anything about what was going to happen to her.

The railway had started to lead us upwards. Grey rock
dominated the landscape more and more. Joseph carried Clara most of the time. So our duo became a group. They talked amongst each other a lot, for which I was grateful. I didn’t need or want to talk to either Joseph or Apella. I wanted to be close to him but I still didn’t know what to say. Apella, I could have easily thrown out in the open. Let the choppers see her. As I got bigger, surprisingly, I felt stronger. Apella was a waif, her thin frame inviting me to snap her like a twig. I daydreamed that I threw her in the path of a passing helicopter, her perfect blonde hair whipping around her face, as a long claw reached down and pulled her from our group. But Clara wanted Apella close, so I kept my hands fisted at my sides and gritted my teeth through the polite conversations.

The choppers were fewer now. The last one we saw was a day behind us and I knew it wasn
’t looking for us; it was carrying a giant curve of concrete wall. It twisted and swung in the wind, a somber arc. I wondered whether it was part of something they had torn down or something they were building. My mind went to all those girls we had left behind. Had some escaped? What about all the babies? The haunting question was—
what were they going to do with all those children?

A
round noon, we sat down for lunch. I ventured into the forest, searching for some berries I had tested out a few days ago. They were so sour, I felt my mouth salivating at the thought of them, but they weren’t poisonous and that was good enough for me. Joseph had started following me into the woods, asking questions about the plants. This was easier. I didn’t mind sharing this information and it gave us a way to communicate without touching on the subjects I couldn’t handle. Every now and then though, he looked at me like he wanted to say something more. I was good at reading those times and quickly changed the subject, bending down and picking up a leaf or a pinecone, shoving it in his consternated face and telling him to look at it. I knew he was frustrated with me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he confronted me, but not yet. I wasn’t ready, the leech made sure of that.

When I came back
, they were all staring at the box like they were waiting for it to burst into song. There wasn’t much sun and it was taking a while to charge. Slowly, the light came on and they started preparing their lunch. I declined. I had some pine nuts, some dandelions, and the purple berries. I did take some water.

Clara inhaled her lunch. She then complained of a
stomachache. So we sat with her for a while until she said it had passed. Just indigestion, she said. Just to be safe, I stayed right by her, exchanging worried glances with Apella.

It became increasingly difficult to walk off the railway line. On one side it fell away steeply. On the other side
, we were looking up at the mountainside, straggly pines clinging to the loose, grey dirt. Pebbles constantly dripped down, pinging off the ground. The line was cut into the rock now. Alexei announced that we were not going to be able to hide anymore. We would have to take our chances in the open. We would be hard to spot anyway, all in grey except Alexei. We could hide against the cliff side if we heard the helicopters coming and be quite well camouflaged.

As we rounded a bend
, the line seemed to just stop. In front of us was a steep mountainside covered in grass with a heavily wooded peak that went on forever. Juvenile pines, only my height, stretched as far as the eye could see. I could no longer see the railway snaking its way up the mountain. It was a dead end. Without thinking, I grabbed Joseph’s arm.

“
What do we do?” I asked, pointing straight ahead and then letting my finger rise to the sky. This was our only plan. What would we do if there were no line to follow?

“
It’s all right, look a bit closer,” he said, chuckling. Sure enough, on closer inspection, I could see two black holes punched into the hill. Tunnels. The thought of being underground again filled me with dread. So much so that I didn’t know I was digging my fingernails into Joseph’s arm, clinging to him like a half-drowned animal. He gently put Clara down and grabbed both my shoulders. I was gasping for air.

“
Rosa, breathe slowly.” Joseph’s green eyes were locked with mine. I searched them, picking out flecks of gold, watching his eyelashes flutter and close. I concentrated on that, as I tried to slow down.

“
I can’t go in there,” I stammered, shaking. I was picturing all the earth piled on top of us. No air, no light.

“
Ahhhhh,” Clara emitted a slow, painful sound. She was crouched on the ground, holding her stomach, rocking back and forth. Like that, I snapped out of it. This was no stomachache. Apella knelt down beside her and touched Clara’s enormous belly. She nodded to me.

“
We need to find some shelter,” Apella said. I knew there was only one place we could go. Joseph scooped Clara up in his arms and walked briskly towards the black holes. Deshi and Alexei were running ahead. They arrived at the tunnel and entered, disappearing into the blackness like it was a solid curtain. I shuddered.

When I
got to mouth of the tunnels, I peered in suspiciously. I couldn’t see a thing. Deshi clicked on his torch and scanned the area. A stone archway curved around and disappeared. There was no light, no end to it, only stark darkness. On both sides of the railway tracks, there was a narrow ledge built up with more carved stone blocks. It was dirty and black, hundreds of years of grime and smoke layering the surface.

Apella spread out
one of our blankets and rolled another one up for Clara to rest her head on. It was cold, damp, and completely uninviting.

I had only one boot inside the tunnel and that was enough.
I volunteered to collect some wood for a fire. They didn’t seem to hear me, too busy arranging Clara comfortably. I sighed in relief as I turned around, heading away from the darkness. Deshi was close behind me.

We collected the wood in silence.
Large, dry branches had fallen from the straggly pines above and there was more than enough. Every now and then, we could hear Clara moaning in pain. The sound bellowing out of the entrance, like the tunnel itself was a dark mouth calling out to us. I told myself I had to go back, that I was being a coward. She was going to need me, but my feet were cemented to the ground.

Deshi put his hand on my shoulder.
“We better go back,” he said, his eyes full of concern for Clara. We had all grown to love her. You couldn’t help it. He actually had to pull me there quite forcefully, but we made our way back.

What I saw
when we got there was not what I had expected at all. Joseph was sitting next to Clara, holding her hand. “You’re doing great,” he said kindly, running his other hand through his hair adorably. It was an action that only I would recognize. Because even if he felt out of his depth, he wouldn’t show her. She didn’t know the little things he did that conveyed his nervousness, not like I did.

Clara beamed at
him. “You’re lucky to be a man,” she said.

He chuckled.
“Yeah, I think in this case that’s probably true.”

Clara turned to Apella, her face more serious,
“How long now?” She patted her belly and leaned against the wall.

Apella whispered something quietly to her
. Clara frowned for a second and then cooed at her stomach, “Not ready to come out yet, are you? I know it’s safe and warm in there but Mama wants to meet you.”

I tried not to roll my eyes at her and
bent down to build a fire, watching its light transform the darkness, bringing warmth. Sometimes, Clara would close her eyes and make a noise. She was clearly in pain, but it never lasted very long. She was amazing. She made it look manageable.

I
moved to her other side and held her hand. She was sweating and pale but beautiful in the firelight. Showing a woman’s strength in a delicate vessel, holding strong like a warrior. I have never admired someone more.

But a
fter a few hours of this, she was starting to get very tired. She slept between contractions, waking with a start and then falling unconscious when they ended. I fed her small sips of water and rubbed her back.

Joseph was
impressive; he helped her through every painful moment. Unlike Deshi, who was standing back from us like labor was catching.

Gritting her
teeth, she screamed into the blanket. “C’mon,” Joseph said as he wiped the sweat from her forehead with his sleeve. “That was nothing. What’s all the noise about? You’re scaring the baby back in.” He winked at her. She let out a breathless laugh and tried to swat his arm. Even I had to laugh at that. They were so alike, never letting anything get to them, rising to the challenge like it was something they did every day. I touched my own stomach, wondering what lay ahead for me. I doubted I would handle things as well as Clara. Would I become an out-of-control, screaming mess? Would Joseph be able to cope with me being in that much pain? Would I even want him there?

Then it changed. The pain no longer seemed manageable. She was screaming and tearing at her clothes. One minute she wanted to stand, the next she was lying straight out on the
cold, hard stone, her ear pressed to it like she was listening for something. I tried to talk to her, but it was like she had disappeared, retreated. She was in another zone—one filled with agony and waiting.

Apella asked us to get her to sit down. She needed to examine her. Clara was pacing back and forth
. We gently coaxed her down to sitting.

“
Is she ok? She’s acting crazy. Is this normal?” I asked, touching Apella’s rounded shoulder.

Apella
didn’t look up. She was focused and talked as she worked, lying Clara down and covering her with a blanket. “She’s fine, she was like this in her last labor,” she said as she removed Clara’s boots and pants.

It hit me like a
sledgehammer. I actually felt myself blown backwards against the stone wall, digging my nails into it, trying to find something to hold onto, to stop me. Stop.

Apella,
unaware of the information she had let slip, peered between Clara’s legs, completely unaware of my growing anger.

“
What do mean, her
last
labor?” I stammered, my lips barely able to commit to speaking. I was trembling with rage, with fear. This wasn’t Clara’s first pregnancy. I moved towards Apella, my body sliding off the edge, slow. I was so close to her face that I barely had to speak for her to hear me.

“
How many babies has she had?” I hissed through clenched teeth. She looked away, biting her lip. I grabbed her, squeezing her thin arms, hard. I pulled her away from Clara for a moment. “Look at me. How many?”

“
Four,” she said in a barely audible whisper. She sighed it. Four. Like it could be exhaled and expelled from her conscience.

Before anyone could stop
me, I slapped her as hard as I could. “You’re a monster,” I screamed, my voice echoing down the tunnel. “You deserved that and so much more.”

She touched her hand to the already bright
red handprint on her pale cheek. “I know,” she said quietly as she returned to tending to Clara. Joseph had a hold of me now, but even he was struggling to hold me back. If he hadn’t, I would have strangled her.

Clara was sitting up now, looking at the
three of us. Scared. I don’t think she heard us but she was startled out of her dream state by my screaming. I felt sick at the thought that she didn’t know. She didn’t know she’d had four babies taken away from her. It would kill her. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to breathe when all I wanted to do was scream. Clara needed our help now. Whatever problems Apella and I had would have to wait.

I returned to Clara, wiping the sweat from her face. Her once springy curls were plastered to her forehead.
I felt so protective of her. I wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and run away from here. Like if we ran fast enough, arms linked together, somehow we could escape the pain. Apella finished her examination. She said she didn’t have long to go. I was hoping she would say it was time to push, but no.