The Years After (12 page)

He waved it off as if it were no big deal, while leaning closer and talking to her. He flirted with her and his hands constantly rubbed her hair, or massaged her back. He liked her clothes. It didn’t take rocket science to figure that out, especially when his eyes kept flashing down her body.

She hated the outfit. She didn’t like her looks or how her skirt showed way too much leg. Her shirt was very uncomfortable, and when she sat, she didn’t like how it made her stomach look. She wanted to cover more, but there wasn’t enough material; and one side was cut too deeply into her armpit.
Being pretty sucked,
she decided. She kept adjusting her clothes, but it only got worse. The club seemed to heat up several degrees with the addition of more bodies. He asked her to dance and she refused, feeling increasingly self-conscious as the hours wore on.

Finally, after claiming she had to pee, she scurried into the restroom. There, she encountered a couple that was screwing in one of the stalls. Someone else was lighting up some kind of drug, but not weed or a cigarette. Olivia quickly locked herself in the stall, and pulled out a hair tie to pull her hair up and away from her face. She had nothing more to wrap around her that could hide some of the exposed skin. Bypassing the stoned girl, who was nearly passed out in the corner, she scrubbed at the makeup until her face was shiny and clear once more. It felt like she’d taken off a mask. All the exterior paint made her feel trapped inside her own skin.

This lifestyle was not for her. She got that as soon as she stared at herself. She wasn’t cool. She could barely manage to be noticed whenever she went out with Kylie or Ally. She wasn’t into this… going to parties and clubs with people who didn’t care about having sex behind her in the bathroom stall, and illegal drugs all over the place. She hated it. It made her feel dirty and exposed and…
unsafe
. She felt a sense of danger being there and she didn’t like that at all.

As she stood there, another couple came in who were soon exchanging drugs and money.
Drug deal
. Jesus Christ, there was a drug deal in progress not five feet from her. The two participants glanced at her when they saw her open-mouthed gawking. She could not believe they made the deal so openly. Meanwhile, the slurpy sounds of wet bodies smacking together and breathless grunts echoed in the five-stall powder room. Whoever was screwing seemed to be finishing up, at least, that’s what it sounded like. Cheeks burning, eyes stinging, her nose slightly charred, she washed her hands and wished she could sanitize her entire body. Instead, she stepped out and searched for their table. She found Derek trying to shove some girl off him. His hands were gripped just below her elbows and he was speaking loudly into her face. She, however, just smiled and licked her lips.

He wasn’t flirting, or doing anything wrong. She knew that. He wasn’t even encouraging the seriously beautiful girl who kept fawning all over him. Inside Olivia’s stomach, an uncomfortable knot formed, which soon began climbing up her throat. She was filled with panic. This was so not her. All of it. She didn’t even like a single part of it. Witnessing it was bad enough, but being there, and being dressed as she was only made her want to flee the premises.

Derek’s head rose as he looked around and she was quite sure he must’ve been searching intently for her. When he spotted her huddled against the wall right outside the restroom door, he pushed the aggressive girl away without another glance. Twisting his torso, he wrenched her arms off him and stepped around her before making his way through the crowd to get to Olivia.

His warm arms deftly swooped around her and pulled her to his chest. “What’s wrong?”

She bit her lip, hating how whiny and wimpy and lame she felt. But something definitely felt wrong to her. She didn’t mind drinking at a college party, but not doing it as much and as obviously as this. It was different somehow, and way beyond her comfort zone. She hated the crowd. She felt claustrophobic and needed fresh air and peace and quiet. Worst of all, she
hated
the music. Music was her entire life’s dream and passion, but this noise just hurt her senses.

Yeah, not exactly what almost every other eighteen-year-old girl would think of in that situation. She knew that too. No wonder she had no boyfriend. And most likely never would at this rate.

“I need to leave.”

He pushed her back and cupped her face to look into her eyes. “Did something happen in there? Are you okay?”

“Two people were having sex in there! I just don’t like it here.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. That didn’t occur me.” He stared into her eyes as his mouth twisted up strangely. He seemed to be thinking about something beyond what she was saying. Then, he shook his head, dropped his hands, and took her left hand in his as he started through the crowd to go out of the building. Once outside, Olivia nearly rejoiced. It was like something was finally released from her chest and she took in long, deep gulps of the fresh night air. The car was parked nearby, just down the street.

He stopped in front of the car. “Did anyone bother you? I shouldn’t have let you go in there alone.”

“What could you have done? Gone into the women’s bathroom with me? Into the stall? I bet it’s done all the time, isn’t it?” Her sarcasm was not aimed at him, but at her own lameness and embarrassment. How would he view her naivete now?

“Did anyone bother you?”

“No. It was just the creepiest five minutes I’ve ever spent. They were banging away in the stall, while another slutty-looking girl was smoking… something… I don’t know. Maybe, crack, or maybe… She looked so strung out, I almost asked her if I should call an ambulance. How would I know? And oh my God! A drug deal. I’m sure of it! It happened just as I was trying to leave. How can people live like that?”

She pushed him away and started pacing. “I can see by your face I’m overreacting. It’s just what goes on, right? Look, I’ve been thinking… I’m not what you’re looking for. This stuff,” she waved back at the club, “is nothing I like or want to do, and I seriously doubt I could ever grow comfortable with it.”

“You’re wrong. I prefer not to even be around it. Jesus, Olivia, that would never be my intent.”

She tugged on her skirt. “Oh my God, this thing!” She threw up her hands in exasperation.

He glanced down at her legs, his puzzled expression almost… tragic. She couldn’t tell what he thought of her tirade. “What thing?”

“This skirt! I hate it. The whole damn outfit. I just want to go home.”

He suddenly grabbed her and pressed her against the car. His arms surrounded her and he hugged her tightly to his chest. “Then don’t. Don’t ever wear any of this shit again. It doesn’t look right on you.” Cupping her face, his thumbs traced over her cheeks. “I’m glad you scrubbed it all off. And you should be shocked at all the drugs. You’re not meant for this stuff. You’re right. I hope you never grow to like it. Just stay away from me and you won’t.”

She lowered her head to rest it on his shoulder. “I get it. You like this stuff. I don’t. I just want to go home,” she mumbled again. She meant
home
, home, as in, her Calliston home. She always felt safe, normal, totally sheltered, and naive. She wanted to go back home and feel that way now. She had no desire to live an unsheltered existence. One glimpse at the other side was more than enough for her.

“I know. You should. I just don’t want you to because I’m a selfish bastard.”

She tried to push him off and he finally dropped his hands. “No, you just wanted to have fun. It’s normal. I’m not normal, Derek. That’s the problem. That’s why I’ve never been on a date or kissed a guy, or… done anything until what I did with you. I can picture what you’re looking for, and I
know
it isn’t me.”

“Why do you think you can picture it?”

“The girls in there? They’re your type.”

“No. Not even one of them.” He ran his hand through his hair. He did that whenever they discussed things about “them” or their “feelings.” It never failed to clearly illustrate how unsure he was with her.

“I’m still not interested. Did you hear me?” She almost shouted, the embarrassment made her feel so lousy and stupid.

“Just… give me a second, okay? I need to figure out how to say this.” He stepped back and began to pace. Fear and regret began to upset her stomach. After he dropped her off at her dorm, she was sure that would be it for them. She initiated the whole thing, but now that it seemed to be fading, she wanted to rush over and beg him to take her back. She’d even promise to figure it out and get cooler. Or dress slutty again and enjoy it.

He finally stopped dead and hid his hands in the pockets of his dark jacket. He stared at his shoes. “I have never been with a girl before.”

She sucked in a breath and her eyes froze on his head, since his face was still turned down. “I guess, technically I’ve had sex, but I’ve never connected with anyone before. It was like what you probably witnessed in the bathroom. It was as cold and impersonal as that appeared to you. I felt nothing before. I didn’t even care. Until I met you, I didn’t know I wanted anything different. You just look at me differently. You don’t see what’s before you; you see what you want to see. And what you want to see is naive and innocent and good. You see everything you are. What you’re so worried about me not liking is everything I like about you. That’s what made me take a second look at you.”

“Yes, but you’ll get bored with me in a week or two, maybe a month.”

His shoulders slumped forward. “It doesn’t feel that way to me. Remember last weekend? It was like nothing I’ve ever done before. It—”

He shook his head and swore. She stepped a foot closer, suddenly drawn in by his deep tone and candid words. His confusion was endearing. He was one hundred percent sincere, although at times, she wasn’t totally convinced of it. She couldn’t say why, but she wasn’t.

“It… what?” she finally prompted when she stood only a few inches away from him. His head rose and his eyes burned into her like embers of coal.

“It was the first time I’d ever been with a girl.” He shrugged and threw up his hands. A blush covered his face and he grimaced as if to say it was lame, when it was so much more than anyone had ever confided in her.

“It was literally the first time I’ve been with a guy.”

“I got that. But you still know more about it than I do.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I can’t—I’m not sure I know how to care about anyone.”

She didn’t know what to say. “What do you mean? Anyone?”

He started pacing. “My family life was all shit. Okay? I don’t know anything about the stuff you talk about. Loving parents and goodness and living in a happy home. I didn’t have it. I’ve never had it.”

“You don’t have any family?”

“Well, technically, I do.”

“Derek? What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, when I tell you to run as far away from me as you can, I
mean
it. You need to listen and obey me. I can’t push you there, because I’ve never wanted anyone or anything as much as I already want you.”

She stepped back. His darkened gaze and the stark look in his eyes made a tremor slide up her back with a shudder. They were so young. Everything was new. They were supposed to be having fun. How could he become so intense? How could she resist being drawn to it?

“I don’t go to college.”

She jerked her head back. “What do you mean? You were there.”

“I was talking to Carter, and then I saw you, and you assumed I was going there… but all I wanted was to see you again.”

Her mouth dropped open before she shook her head. “So you lied to me? All this time? You
lied
about taking a class you’re not even signed up for? You’re not even attending that college?”

“Yeah,” he sneered, “and at the time, I didn’t even think it was wrong.”

“But it is. That’s a really shitty thing to do. You played me for a fool.”

“It was a way to get to you. I go after what I want.”

“No matter what, huh? Be warned? Isn’t that what you were saying to me?”

“It was. And then I spent more than five minutes with you.”

“And so what? You realized I’m a complete dork, not just the socially awkward wallflower you thought I was?”

He stepped closer and his eyes searched her face. His expression looked strange, almost lost. “I saw this kind, sweet, amazing, and very talented girl. Now, all I can see is the harm I would bring you, and yet, I want you even more now.”

She didn’t know what to say
. He lied.
Turning, she threw herself into the passenger seat. She crossed her arms and tucked in the coat he left there over her knees. He finally came around to the driver’s side and got in. “You want me to take you back to the dorm?”

“I want you to show me where you live.”

He gripped the steering wheel and didn’t comment, but stared hard out the windshield at the dark parking lot. He flexed his fingers. “I don’t want to show you.”

“You’ve lied to me. I want to
see
something that’s real.”

He suddenly turned towards her, leaned across the console, and kissed her. When he pulled back, she was again turning red. A strong desire to gulp in a breath of fresh air to calm her accelerated heartbeat was her only thought. “All I see, and all that ever mattered a fuck to me, is you.”

“You don’t even know me,” she whispered. His drama was intoxicating. So easy to get caught up in. But it was also too early in their relationship.

“No. You don’t know
me
.”

“I don’t know you
yet
. It was shitty thing to do. And for no real good reason.”

“The reason was to see you. It’s about the only really good reason I’ve had for anything I’ve ever done. Olivia,” He leaned his head closer and rested his forehead on hers, “I’m sorry.”

His confession sounded almost as if he were strangling. It seemed far more significant than just lying about being a college student in a class with her.

“I don’t like to look stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. Everything about me is stupid.” His jaw was clenched as he finally clicked the ignition and the engine roared. “Let me know when you figure that out.”