Tilt (55 page)

of giving? What made him

pull away? And will it

happen again?

Shane

I Pulled Away

From Tara. Shoved Alex to one side,

and it’s lonely in my minuscule corner

of the universe. At school, I suppose

I’m learning something. I ace every quiz,

every test. But why? Even if I work my ass

off to impress some Ivy League scout, even

if I graduate
cum laude
, build an amazing

career, eventually I’ll die. So what the fuck

is the point? On the plus side, when I am

accosted in the hallways, assaulted

by under-the-breath insults, I just smile.

Those pricks aren’t any more immortal

than I am. And if I’m lucky I will live

to read their obituaries before someone

I know reads mine. That thought stops

me cold. Goddamn. I’m only sixteen.

It’s Not Like People Close to Me

Haven’t noticed. They have,

and every one of them offers

pretty much the same advice.

Various teachers:
Shane, I know

this is a difficult time. I think

you should talk to a counselor.

Counselor:
Shane, I’m sure it has

been hard to come to grips with

this. If you need to talk, I’m here.

Dad:
Shane, we are all working

through this the best we can. It

might be good to talk to your mom.

Mom:
Shane, it will get easier.

It hasn’t yet. Not for you. Not for

me. But you have to talk to me.

Everyone wants me to talk. To

tell them how I feel. They won’t

want to hear I feel nothing at all.

I’m Staring into My Locker

Lost in the thick smoke of voices

surrounding me when suddenly

someone taps my shoulder.

Hey, soldier.
Tara.
Are you going

to keep ignoring me forever?

Because I kind of miss you.

“Soldier?” I have to smile at that.

I turn, and for one millisecond,

seeing her face makes everything

just like it was. And then,
psst!

everything is back, just like it is.

“I miss you, too,” I have to admit.

Good. Because I don’t want to eat

lunch alone. Let’s go somewhere.

You owe me a ride in your car.

A small measure of guilt turns

my face red. “I guess I do. Come

on.” She follows me to the parking

lot and when I stop next to

the Sportage, she whistles.
Sexy.

Almost as sexy as its driver.

So Tara. “Whatever. Get in.”

We only have a half hour.

“What do you want for lunch?”

She shrugs.
Conversation.

I want to know what’s up

with you. Are you okay?

Shit. “Sure. I’m great, in fact.

Life is totally awesome.”

I swing the car toward

McCarran Boulevard. Punch it.

Easy. Are you mad because

I’m worried about you?

Gah! If I hear that one more

time . . . “Jesus H. Christ!

Everybody’s worried about me!”

The Lord’s Name in Vain Thing

Doesn’t faze her.

But what she says

totally takes me down.

I’m not everybody.

I’m your best friend,

or at least, I was.

Damn. “You still are.

I’m sorry. But please

don’t worry about me.”

Okay, I’ll try not to. But

only if you converse with

me. Tell me about Alex.

I’ve only talked about

him in text messages,

and I’d really like to

go into detail, except

for one thing. “Uh, we

might have broken up.”

Unexpectedly, She Freaks

What? And you never mentioned

it to me? I saw you at the funeral,

and the two of you looked pretty

close. When did this happen?

“It hasn’t officially happened.

I just haven’t seen him in a couple

of weeks. Okay, it was my fault.

I kind of showed up at his house,

drunk. . . .” I tell her how he refused

to let me in. How he insisted on driving

me home. How he yelled at me for

daring to get behind the wheel in

the condition I was in. “He told me

not to call until I ‘waded through

my personal hell and vanquished

my demons.’ That hasn’t happened yet.”

I have no idea where I’m driving,

so I circle back toward school. Tara

stays quiet for a minute. Then she says,

And you can’t understand why people

are worried about you? Shane, in all

the years I’ve known you, you have never

been even close to as happy as when you

were with Alex. You can’t throw that away.

A giant wad of choking sadness collects

in my throat. “I kn-know,” I spit out.

Suddenly, I am hungry for him, so when

she says,
Promise me you’ll call him?

it isn’t hard to agree. And, when we

reach Reno High and I park the car,

I don’t wait to text Alex.
DON’T KNOW

IF I’VE VANQUISHED MY DEMONS. BUT

I DO KNOW I LOVE YOU AND NEED TO SEE

YOU RIGHT AWAY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME
.

Then I reach over and give Tara a kiss.

“Thank you. And thanks for being you.”

Gram and Gramps

Have moved into a small apartment

while they continue to look for a place

to buy. They left their travel trailer

parked next to our house and I’ve

made it my haven when I want to be

alone. Tonight, for the first time, it

will be a haven for Alex and me. While

I wait for him, I try to calm my nerves

with the help of some nitro-weed.

I have to admit, I’m anxious to see

him, and with each green inhale

my anxiety grows. So much for stress

reduction. It seems to take forever,

and when he finally knocks softly

on the door, I open it so quickly

he jumps back a little. “Sorry.”

I let him in and he sniffs the air.

Wow. It’s a little, uh, thick in here.

I want him to grab me, pull me to

him. Instead, he studies me carefully.