Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (2 page)

BOOK: Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd
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Flushmate

Weird Toy Ads of Yesteryear

Pac-Manhattan

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Let's Play StreetWars!

Video Games

IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

An “E” for Effort

Oops!

Oops!

CRIMINALLY ODD

You Stole What, Now?

Hey, I Recognize That Butt Crack!

Weird Crime News

Hey! I’m Being Attacked With…

Smile: You’re on Bait Car!

Kooky Crooks

INTERNATIONAL ODD

Weird Britain

Weird Romania

Weird India

Weird Europe

Weird Africa

Weird Japan

Weird China

Weird Mexico

Weird Russia

Weird Canada

Weird America

Weird Australia

Weird Germany

WEIRD WORDS

Odd Books

Why Don’t We Have a Word for That?

The Best Bad Writing

How Do You Say… “Mullet”?

Obsolete Word Quiz

CREEPY-CRAWLIES

Insect Oddities

The Better to Bite You With

What’s Eatin’ You?

I’ve Got a Secret(ion)

ODDS & ENDS

Mannequin Madness

It’s a Conspiracy!

That’s Entertainment?

Beyond Bizarre

INTRODUCTION

H
URRY, HURRY, STEP RIGHT UP!

We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute have always had a hungry appetite for collecting and reporting tales of the odd: odd music, odd science, odd art, odd sports, odd history. And happily, we’ve found over the years that our readers love these odd stories as much as we enjoy sharing them. So, at the urging of our loyal fans—and not without a modicum of devilish glee—we present for your enjoyment
Uncle John’s Wonderful World of Odd
, a collection of the strangest people, the most unusual animals, and the weirdest events you’ll ever witness. Stare with amazement at:

• The mysterious lake that “erupted”—and killed every living thing for miles around

• The weirdest—and worst—movies ever made

• The chess championship that was almost lost—over a bathroom break

• Mannequins and the people who love them

• The wildest and weirdest insects: bizarre mouthparts, strange behavior, and real “bug juice” (not for the squeamish!)

You’ll see thrills and chills, tall tales, impossible aliens, royal weirdoes, bizarre conspiracy theories, and foods you’d probably rather read about than eat.

Many thanks to the menagerie of contributors to this odd endeavor, including the death-defying acts in the center ring: Amy “Monstrous” Miller, Barfin’ Brian Boone, John “The Juggler” Dollison, Too-Tall Thom Little, Julia Papps and Her Invisible Friends, and “Gentleman” Jay Newman.

Keep on reading. And as always,

Go with the Flow!


Uncle John, Porter the Wonder Dog, and the BRI staff

STRANGE BANDS

There are thousands of musicians out there vying for radio airplay and your CD-buying dollar, so every band has to make itself stand out somehow. Here are some that rely on elaborate gimmicks.

T
HE FIRST VIENNESE VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA

This nine-member Austrian group plays instruments made completely out of fresh vegetables, including carrot flutes, eggplant drums, and a “gurkaphone” (a hollow cucumber with a carrot mouthpiece and green-pepper bell). At the conclusion of live performances, the Orchestra chops up its instruments and makes a soup, which is shared with the audience.

MAX Q

It’s the world’s only soft-rock band made up entirely of former astronauts. All six members flew on the NASA Space Shuttle in the 1980s and 1990s. They play mostly love songs about space and alienation. “Max Q” refers to the maximum air pressure experienced in the Shuttle moments after blastoff.

HORSE THE BAND

This American group plays super-fast, super-heavy versions of the instrumental music from 1980s-era Nintendo video games, such as Super Mario Brothers and The Legend of Zelda.

GWAR

The band dresses in elaborate rubber ogre and monster costumes and takes stage names like “Oderus Urungus,” “Flattus Maximus,” and “Beefcake the Mighty.” GWAR plays hard-driving heavy metal songs (such as “Maggots” and “Death Pod”). Their stage show includes staged deaths and buckets of fake vomit and blood that they throw at the audience.

MUSCLE FACTORY

First, the tank-top-and-spandex-shorts-clad sextet performs songs about weightlifting, such as “Pump to Failure” and “The Spotter.” Then they lift weights—on stage.

In the Ukraine, it’s considered good luck if you find a spider web on Christmas morning.

QNTAL

Qntal is a German trio that sings haunting, medieval-style ballads about all sorts of historical events in Latin and ancient German dialects. They’re backed with a thumping drum machine. The name Qntal came to a group member in a dream.

TRACHTENBERG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS

It’s an old-fashioned family band! Dad Jason plays guitar and sings lead, teenage daughter Rachel plays drums and sings backing vocals, and mom Tina operates the slide projector. Why slides? Their songs are based on picture slides, bought at garage sales and thrift stores, which are projected along with the songs.

THE CANDY BAND

Four former Detroit rock musicians who became stay-at-home moms started this band to entertain their restless children. Their songs are punk-rock covers of nursery rhymes, classic children’s songs, and kiddie TV show theme songs. (The Candy Band has actually performed on the
Today
show.)

SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Playing psychedelic/electronic pop, with many songs sung in Welsh, SFA is extremely popular in England. What makes them so weird? During live shows, the band members—using secret special-effects technology—slowly morph into furry, hulking Sasquatches.

ARNOCORPS

Heavily inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the “pioneers of action-adventure hardcore rock and roll” pretend to be action-adventure movie heroes from the mountains of Austria. They sing fake autobiographical songs about what it’s like to be an Austrian he-man.

*       *       *

“Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within ten years.”


Alex Lewyt, vacuum cleaner company executive, 1955

The largest known bacterium can grow to the size of the period at the end of this sentence.

BIN LADEN IS A WOMAN!

…and other great (and real) tabloid newspaper headlines.

MAN REINCARNATED AS HIMSELF

Cubs Boost World Series Hopes With Holy Water

Man Takes Out Restraining Order Against Imaginary Friend

Gnomes of Death Lure Divers to Drowning Horror

Prune Juice Makes You Stupid

God’s Autograph Sells for $500 Million

NEBRASKA DOESN’T EXIST, SAYS AUTHOR

Blood-Sucking Dracula Squirrels Invade U.S.

New Study Says “Stitch in Time” Saves Only 8

GRIM REAPER TO RETIRE—PEOPLE WILL LIVE FOREVER!

World’s Oldest Woman Thrives on Lard and Booze

Jungle Tribe Worships Jay Leno’s Chin

Massive Loch Ness Monster Fart Swamps Tourist Boat

Earwax DNA Doesn’t Lie—Osama Bin Laden Is a Woman!

Mr. Rogers’ Ghost Terrorizing Children!

Beer Cans & Old Mattress Found on Mars

ALIENS TRAVEL TO EARTH FOR CHINESE TAKEOUT

VIKINGS WERE WIMPS!

Hair Space Alien Lives on Donald Trump’s Head!

Art Collector Buys Forged Art With Counterfeit Money

Scientists Clone Jerry Springer

Pope Has Super Powers!

CREDIT CARD EXPLODES WHEN GAL GOES OVER LIMIT

A
lynchobite
is someone who works at night and sleeps during the day.

ODD, ODD WORLD OF
BASEBALL INJURIES

Major-league ballplayers are big, tough manly-men who cannot be felled by any mere mortal destructive force…except for ice packs, donuts, sunflower seeds, and handshakes.

• Catcher Mickey Tettleton of the Detroit Tigers went on the disabled list for athlete’s foot, which he got from habitually tying his shoes too tight.

• Wade Boggs once threw out his back while putting on a pair of cowboy boots.

• In 1993, Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frostbite—in August. He had fallen asleep on an ice pack.

• Ken Griffey Jr. missed one game in 1994 due to a groin injury. (His protective cup had pinched one of his testicles.)

• Atlanta pitcher John Smoltz once burned his chest. He’d ironed a shirt…while still wearing it.

• Sammy Sosa missed a game because he threw out his back while sneezing.

• While playing for Houston, Nolan Ryan couldn’t pitch after being bitten by a coyote.

• Marty Cordova of the Baltimore Orioles went on the injured list after burning his face in a tanning bed.

• Atlanta outfielder Terry Harper once waved a teammate home, then high-fived him. The act separated Harper’s shoulder.

• Pitcher Phil Niekro hurt his hand…while shaking hands.

• Milwaukee’s Steve Sparks once dislocated his shoulder attempting to tear a phone book in half.

• San Francisco Giants manager Roger Craig cut his hand “undoing a bra strap.”

• To look more menacing, Boston pitcher Clarence Blethen took out his false teeth during a game and put them in his back pocket. Later, while he was sliding into second base, the teeth clamped down and bit him on the butt.

• When the San Diego Padres won the National League West in 2005, pitcher Jake Peavy jumped on top of the celebration pileup. He fractured a rib and had to sit out the entire playoff series.

• Jose Cardenal missed a game for the Chicago Cubs because he had been kept awake all night by crickets chirping outside his hotel room.

• Kevin Mitchell of the New York Mets hurt a tooth on a donut that had gotten too hot in a microwave. On another occasion, Mitchell pulled a muscle while vomiting.

• Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs was on the disabled list after being diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. Cause of condition: too many hours spent surfing the Internet.

• Minnesota’s Terry Mulholland had to sit out a few games after he scratched his eye on a feather sticking out of a pillow.

• Pitcher Greg Harris was flipping sunflower seeds into his mouth in the Texas Rangers bullpen. It strained his elbow.

• San Diego pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach with a knife while trying to open a DVD case.

• Florida pitcher Ricky Bones pulled his lower back getting out of a chair while watching TV in the team clubhouse.

• Outfielder Glenallen Hill has an intense fear of spiders. He went on the injured list after suffering multiple cuts all over his body. Hill had fallen out of bed onto a glass table while having a nightmare in which he was covered with spiders.

• Before the first game of the 1985 World Series, St. Louis outfielder Vince Coleman was fooling around on the field and managed to get rolled up inside the Busch Stadium automatic tarp-rolling machine. Coleman’s injuries caused him to miss the entire Series.

In Liechtenstein, dairy farmers publish obituaries for their deceased cows.

*       *       *

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’m going to forget.”

BOOK: Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd
7.94Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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