Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment (2 page)

All Beliefs and all priorities must be congruent (in line with, harmonious.)

And because it is sexuality, it involves another person. Beliefs that come into play regarding that other person/gender must be congruent.

Being sensually powerful means to understand and appreciate the sexual potential in a woman, and having the passion to bring it out in her, to bring it all to life.

To enable a woman to discover her own sense of personal and sensual power.

It is about sharing. It is about two people celebrating being human beings.

She is the feminine compliment to your masculinity. You are the masculine compliment to her femininity.

It is not about outcome, it is about complimenting each other and enhancing each other. There is nothing more natural than a man and a woman being together.

All interaction is sexual at the very core, while you respect that she wants to be treated like a lady.

Because you command respect, she takes what you say seriously. And thus she acts on what you say. Thus what you command becomes real for her. Thus she becomes responsive to you.

She knows that you can make her think powerful thoughts and feel powerful emotions. And she knows that you can realize her sexual potential. Thus you are a sexual threat. A threat in a good way.

You are capable of eliciting and validating her emotions. You are capable of building a powerful emotional connection with her. Thus you are able to make her feel powerful exciting emotions beyond anything she ever dreamed possible.

You create intimacy that is so close and so rewarding that you establish a powerful sexual connection that transcends anything she has ever experienced.

All of us were born sexual creatures. Everything about us is such that we may mature and procreate. And we are such that it is all pleasurable and fulfilling.

But for some of us, somewhere along the line, something went very wrong. Shame, guilt, self consciousness, or self doubt set in, and anything about sexuality became something very uncomfortable.

I considered myself very fortunate that I was raised in a loving, functional, emotionally healthy home, by parents who have high self esteem and who have always been very happy together. And thus, I have always been comfortable with my own sexuality. Typically, children raised in such homes grow up to have healthy attitudes about sexuality. This is true for both men and women.

My parents, however, never spoke about sexuality. It was just never discussed. And that’s probably just as well; no bad beliefs were instilled. I learned about it just like any other young guy would do. And the fact that it was taboo made it all the more exciting. (Always leverage taboos!)

When I was 18 years old, I lost my virginity with a girl who was also 18. We were both excited, and nervous, and clumsy, and we knew we were doing something taboo, but never did we feel any kind of guilt or shame or self consciousness. We were actually very comfortable being naked together. For us it was simply two young people getting together to act all grown up, to experiment with our curiosity, to express our sexuality, and to share our desire for each other. It was a beautiful sharing experience. But we had no idea what we were doing so the sex was actually quite lame and uneventful. But with my next girlfriend, the sex was very good with regular simultaneous orgasms.

Even though I was shy about approaching girls, I was a total natural when it came to moving a date into a sexual relationship. And then in giving the woman her first orgasm. And then in making the sex really exciting. And on and on. It just all seemed to flow so easily for me. And for that I have to thank the fact that I am comfortable with my

sexuality. And for that I have to thank my parents. I consider myself very fortunate.

Not everybody is as fortunate.

Some men are not completely comfortable with their sexuality. They may feel guilt or shame about sexuality, or may be very self conscious with self doubt. This is usually the case when men were raised in a home where sexuality was something bad or shameful, or in a home were the developing boy did not have a close relationship with two loving parents.

Or tragically so, there are young men who were sexually abused by another person who themselves had unhealthy attitudes about sexuality. This is very sad and tragic, as it leaves deep long lasting emotional trauma around sexuality.

For anyone with any shame or guilt, they must realize that they are not alone. Many people feel similarly.

But the source of the conflict is very much an individual matter, unique for each person.

Such a person would greatly benefit from individualized professional counseling. Many counselors are specially trained to help such people. These counselors truly enjoy helping people; it is their chosen profession to help people. It is actually a liberating experience to work with a counselor and deal with deep underlying beliefs. It is truly rewarding to come to a place of peace and comfort about sexuality.

It is a manly masculine thing to seek help. It is a courageous thing to ask for help when needed. Just like you bring your car to the mechanic, or go to the dentist for your teeth, you can go to a counselor to help with emotional issues. Not that there is something broken that needs to be fixed, but that we as men who have not been trained to counsel, we don’t really know what is wrong. We only know that we want to be healthier.

It is not some kind of admittance of blame to seek help; instead, it is an intelligent, thoughtful, and responsible thing to work with someone to help us to develop as healthy human beings.

Here is a question from a reader:

I came from a good loving home, and I know my parents meant well, but it was a strict religious upbringing and I ended up feeling shame and guilt around anything to do with sexuality.

I feel that if I try to get a woman into bed, that I am trying to get something from her or manipulate her in some way, because it is not in the context of love.

There are a lot of guys who have the same shame and guilt. They believe they have to be in love before even trying to do anything sexual.

Reality is out there for all of us to observe. Reality is telling us something. The Reality of the situation is that most women (I do not mean ALL woman, I mean MOST women) will sleep with a man on the third date, but will not decide if they love him for another six months (at least for the ones who are not needy.)

That's reality.

Most women are much more sexual than men. Most women require that they be treated with respect for the lady that they are. And if he treats her with respect, and she feels comfortable and safe with him, then she is completely comfortable with sleeping with him.

As for love, most women are completely turned off by men who fall in love with her in the first few dates, or even weeks. For her, it cheapens the concept of love. Most women understand that it takes really getting to know someone before falling in love. And that can take six months, or even a year.

(I'm talking about high quality women here, not the needy ones who need to be in love.)

The Reality of the situation is that women will not wait very long to have sex, but they will wait a long time before they fall in love. So if women don't have a problem with it, why should you?

Look at it from a new perspective. Look at it in terms of respect. Have respect for her and for her beliefs. Treat her with respect. And,

respect her desires to be a healthy expressive sexual creature who wants to be with a man who treats her with respect and who himself is also a healthy expressive sexual creature.

Your parents had good intentions for you. They wanted the best for you. They have their backgrounds and their beliefs. And you respect that about them. But they had no idea how their teachings would affect you.

They certainly didn't want you to manipulate anyone. Any parent would teach that. And they figured that if you were in love, then you would not be manipulating a woman. They only knew what they knew from their experiences.

Look at it from the perspective of respect. If you respect your woman, you could not possibly manipulate her.

Take it from a new perspective. In the living room you treat her with respect like the lady that she is. In the bedroom, you respect the fact that she wants to be fucked like the slut that she loves to be (in the context of respect.) And you respect that about her.

We have all been hurt. We can all think of that girl that dumped us and broke our heart. It is normal for us to take it all so personally. We only had our own perspective to view things from.

I was once hurt very badly. I had been married for 8 years. My wife and I had two beautiful children. We had built a big home in the suburbs. She was hot and we had sex every night. It was the dream come true. Then she cheated on me and left me and the kids alone and I had to sell the house. My world was shattered. Or at least I thought so at the time.

It took a long time to fully understand what had actually happened. After much research and introspection, I finally realized that the entire problem was that I had chosen wrong. She had low self esteem. Even though she had the perfect life with me, she did not believe that she deserved it, so she sabotaged it. I came to realize that I had married her based solely on her looks. I had not believed in myself enough, way back then, to find the kind of woman that I knew I had to have. So I realized my mistake and I assumed responsibility. And with that, I let go of the past, I kept only the lessons learned, and I set out on a new path for my future.

As men, we are not defined by how we have been hurt; instead, we are defined by how we make the best of ourselves.

Do not define ‘who’ you are by ‘what’ happened. Instead, simply acknowledge the ‘event’ as a lesson learned.

Know that the past is just the past. There is nothing we can do to change the past. The past is what got us to where we are now. All we can do is define our present and future. It is up to us. Acknowledge the past for what it is, and move on. There is no point in laying blame, and it isn’t going to make anything better. We must set a direction for ourselves.

This is one of the most important things men need to understand, and it is one of the toughest things for men to understand.

In fact, women are far more sexual than most men can even comprehend.

I first realized this years ago. . . .

After my divorce in 1992, I felt very defeated and alone. I had custody of our two small children, and thus in the evenings I was stuck at home. So, after I put the children to bed, I turned to the telephone.

There was a small singles magazine in our area where people put in personal ads. You would read through the ads and decide which women to call. You would then call a 900 number and leave a message and your number. The ladies would then listen to their messages and decide who to call back. That was back before there was caller ID. The women could call and know that you had no way of knowing who they really were or where they lived. So there was that anonymity which gave them safety.

I picked women who were recently divorced and about thirty years old. So when they would call, the rapport would build quickly as we had much in common and much to talk about.

I also became very good at establishing an emotional connection with a woman on the telephone. These women really opened up and told me things that fascinated me. They spoke of their sexual past and their fantasies. I learned a great deal about the secret sexual lives and thoughts of women from all of those conversations. That's when I really started to understand the underlying sexual potential that exists within women.

The women were lonely. They were reaching out in the dark to talk to another human being, to have thoughtful human interaction. For many of these women, by the end of their marriage, they no longer

felt sexual. They weren’t having orgasms, even by masturbating. They didn’t even fantasize. There was no point in it.

For them it was therapeutic to share their secrets, even with an anonymous person. And because it was anonymous, they were completely open and honest. I became very good at getting them to open up and share. It was truly eye opening.

After having established an emotional connection with them that allowed them to feel very close to me, I leveraged that to move the conversation in a romantic direction.

And then I would move the conversation in a sensual direction. And then, finally, in a sexual direction. And fully 80% of these women, on the very first call, would engage in phone sex with me.

I continually adjusted and refined my phone sex techniques, making it progressively more realistic and effective. Just from my voice and the reality that I created in their mind with sensory rich descriptions and erotic words and eventually outright naughty vulgarity, women were having orgasms, then women were having multiple orgasms, then women were having orgasms without even touching themselves.

I became extremely good at giving phone. I was absolutely lethal. The phone would ring and I knew that within one hour another woman would be screaming in orgasmic ecstasy. It became almost routine. I'd be getting women off on the phone while I was ironing my shirts. I was leading a private life in the evenings running a phone sex line for women.

And these women were well educated professionals. Elementary school teachers, emergency room nurses, stock brokers, sales directors, fast rising corporate executives, you name it. They all had high self esteem. They came from good homes. They were the farthest thing from sluts. But when I got on the phone with them and unlocked their pent up sexual potential, they became totally slutty.

My beliefs about women were totally rewritten. I became even more fascinated with the minds of women.