Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment (3 page)

Movies, television shows, stories, what other people told us, what our parents told us, all that “social programming,” told us that we had to talk women into having sex. It almost made it seem as if sex for a woman was a chore she performed as a reward.

That single misguided piece of social programming had me perplexed for years.

For me it was a belief that was hindering me. A self limiting belief. I was determined to crush it by finding the truth, and then to replace that belief with an empowering belief based on reality.

During my 20s, all the girlfriends I had absolutely loved sex. It’s not that they initiated it, but they would hint at it and then the moment I would initiate it, they would jump on it. And then in my marriage, my wife had to have it every single night. From my point of view, it appeared that women loved sex.

So in my phone sex phase after my divorce, I tried a cruel experiment. Some of those women that I talked with on the phone I met up with in person. We’d meet at a neutral place, have a drink, and then go to her place.

What I would do is I would get her naked on the bed, and then I’d hesitate. I’d stall for as long as I could. If she persisted further, I’d tell her “I’m not really ready for this yet” or “I think maybe this is moving too quickly.” Basically, I was purposely NOT going to have sex with them, just to see what would happen.

What happened is they got PISSED! Either they’d be insulted and start sulking, or they’d cuss me out, and one woman even called me a coward! I made peace with them, got back on their good side, and then obliged them. And then they went at it to such a degree as to make themselves look selfish.

I laugh now as I remember back on it, but it proved something very important to me:

Women actually WANT to have sex! Not as a reward to ‘a nice guy,’ but simply because WOMEN LOVE SEX!

That, along with the stories that women shared with me over the phone, along with all the factual evidence from reality, clearly showed that not only do women love sex, but in fact women are far more ‘sexual’ than men.

Further evidence of this can be found in any woman’s fantasy book, such as “Her Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday. That will blow your mind. Women have elaborate intricate fantasies beyond anything men can imagine. For women, it is largely mental and emotional, and about being “taken” and “ravaged.”

So, more accurately, I would say that:

That does NOT mean that women want to be raped. Certainly NOT! Rape destroys a woman’s sexuality for life.

But in the context of consent, mental stimulation, emotional rapport, and trust, women love to be taken and ravaged like the sluts that they love to be.

Now that does NOT mean that women want to be sluts. Certainly NOT! But in the correct context, with her trusted lover, women love to become ruthlessly expressive sexual creatures.

In many cases, women are far hornier than men. One woman I knew who was in her late 30’s told me “I get so damn horny! I feel like a 16 year old boy. It’s not fair!” Another woman told me “It gets worse at the time I ovulate. Every man I see with a cute butt I want to jump him right then and there and ride him hard!”

Did you ever know that some women have looked at you that way? It’s true! How does THAT feel? But they’re not going to tell you that.

So why did all that social programming want us to believe that women didn’t like sex that much? It appears that there are a number of reasons for this.

Social programming protects women from men who only want to use women for sex. If social programming trains people to believe

that women must first be in love to have sex, or must first be in a committed relationship, then women always have a defense against men who view women as just objects.

It keeps young women in check. If parents teach their children that sex is only for love and marriage, then maybe their children won’t go out and have sex and get pregnant.

Interestingly, the social programming does parallel the reality of being a woman to some degree. What I mean by that is the following. Most women are sexually submissive. They do not initiate sex. Instead, they respond to their man when he initiates. And most women prefer it that way. Women are excited by the fact that their man is excited by her. Women love to be desired and “seduced” by their man. It makes her feel feminine and beautiful.

Unfortunately though, women are also victims to social programming. Social programming is interpreted to mean that any woman who loves sex must be a slut.

Even though women love sex, they’d never admit it to a stranger. It would make them appear as a slut. And it would invite advances from men who objectify women.

The advantage of all this social programming is that since it is against social norms for a woman to love sex, it makes it even more exciting WHEN a woman demonstrates that she loves sex. Anything that is taboo is even MORE exciting because it IS taboo.

To further complicate things, all of us men have been raised to be proper polite gentlemen, and we have been taught that to suggest sex to a woman would insult her because it would insinuate that she is a slut.

That piece of social programming hinders men and puts men in a predicament. A man wants to be sexual with the woman he is interested in, but he can’t suggest it because it would insult her.

The woman certainly can’t suggest it because that would define her as a slut. And besides, women are sexually submissive, they prefer that the man initiate.

So what are people to do?

Here is a question from a reader:

Being comfortable with my own sexuality is still a challenge. A challenge i didn't really know that i had until i came upon your stuff. that's when the big "Aha's" came to me and i realized why alot of my relationships kept breaking down at the same spot!

I am able to approach/open and build attraction with women on a consistent basis. very consistently. I get women who didn't see me coming or even know i was in the same room with them, texting me to go out and filling up my planner with second and third meets.

But that's where it ends! I never lay these girls!! People think i'm a pimp, but i'm not. I feel like these girls lose interested (literally before my very eyes) when i show hesitation to initiate and escalate physical contact with them, or kiss them, or just be dominant and show that i'm sexual (via eye contact, tonality, proximity, etc).

All of these things make me nervous, so i am kind of asexual in a way. Fuck it - I AM asexual to them, even though i am so interested! I just feel like if they knew i was interested in them sexually, they would get turned off, because "women don’t like sex as much as men, right?!" (said sarcastically. But that's how i behave. It's fucking ingrained into my psyche).

Plus, to make things worst, i don’t even know how to convey that i'm a sexual being to them. So the only girls i get are the forward ones who pounce on me, but have nothing else in common. The girls that i really like, like one which i lost just yesterday because of the same shit, i never get!

I'm bummed. So for a person like me, who isn't comfortable with his sexuality, where is a place to get started and see results, or work toward a goal, or something!?!

You have deeply ingrained beliefs that are hindering you. Those beliefs were created and built upon incorrect information. Maybe from social programming. Maybe shame and guilt from a strong religious upbringing. Maybe your mother beat it into your head that you should put women on a pedestal.

Maybe you think that women have to be talked into having sex. You think they don't like sex as much as men. You were bombarded with social programming that says you have to buy women expensive gifts and woo them into a relationship and then maybe you have a chance of talking them into having sex. And thus you feel like you are trying to use them or take something from them.

That information was NOT based on reality.

You need to break down those hindering false beliefs and replace them with beliefs that are empowering and BASED ON REALITY.

Look at reality. See the truth in the evidence that reality provides.

For example, why do you think all those women want to go out with you? Simple. They want to get fucked! Why? Because women love sex! And when you don't initiate, she'll go find someone who can. Why? Because women want to get fucked!

But I can tell you one thing you are definitely doing wrong. You are using a lower case i to refer to yourself instead of an upper case I. That is a sign of a self esteem that is not as high as it could be. Always make the effort to hold down the shift key to write an upper case I. You are referring to yourself. You might think it is a minor detail, but it is critically important.

Here is another question:

I have been reading your newsletter for a while now and have always found your responses insightful. I hope that you might be able to give me some advice on my problem. My problem is that I don't seem to project a strong sexual identity to women.

The women I know all admit that I am an attractive guy, that I would be a really fantastic boyfriend, etc. But none of them ever want to become involved with me. Now, I realize that they could be telling me these things in order to placate me, but I am usually good at detecting BS and tend to think they are being sincere.

I think that the problem is that I don't seem to project a strong image of myself as a sexual being. It's very frustrating, and I am not sure how to change

that. It's so bad that just the other day a woman that I don't even really know came up to me and my friends at the bar to ask if I was a virgin. Truth is, though I am not a virgin, I don't have a huge amount of experience under my belt, but that doesn't make me non-sexual. I can't really figure out how to present the sexual aspect of myself in a way that is not brutish.

I know you will ask about my relationships with my parents, and their openness in discussing sex with me during my adolescence. I tend to consider my relationships with my parents to be strong, and am very fortunate to have had a level of closeness with both my mother and father. Also, my parents were fairly frank in talking about sex with me from a fairly early age and did not make me uncomfortable in bringing up topics related to sexuality with them.

I think part of it has to do with my own lack of confidence and inexperience. I'm certainly not shy, but I don't really have a lot of success with women, and am somewhat unsure of how to project the fact that I am interested in a woman without coming across as disrespectful or a jerk.

I've always been overweight (though for the past six months I've been on a massive diet/exercise regimen that has helped bring me close to my goal) and have always been self-conscious of my appearance. On top of which, I went to an all boys high school, which meant that I didn't really know too many girls as an adolescent when most guys begin learning how to interact with women. In college I never had any success with women, and didn't have my first (and only) girlfriend until I was in graduate school.

I think that in large part it's an issue of having little confidence in myself as an attractive man as well as a fear of my own inexperience. I also am not sure how to gauge what is appropriate and what isn't. In large part, I was raised to be polite and respectful, and I don't know how to balance that with an honest admission of sexual intent. I need to learn to reveal my own sexuality without embarrassment.

What can I do to make myself more confident in my sexuality, so that I can put that aspect of my identity on the table?

You have pretty much explained what went wrong, and it appears that you know what you have to fix. And it appears that you are doing the things needed to fix those things. Keep working on feeling better about yourself, and keep on enjoying being talkative with women.

Insecurities that develop in the developing years tend to persist through adulthood, even if the source of the insecurity is fixed. You must be determined to rewrite your internal beliefs, and you must base that upon evidence from reality. You must get real.

Never allow yourself to blame your insecurities on your lack of success. Too many guys always have something to blame for their problem. That is a cop out.

And do not blame your lack of experience. Remember this:

You are getting the correct knowledge by studying this program, and you are replacing your self limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs.

It is an ongoing endeavor. You will always be improving. Don’t think that it will ever end, or that you will “get there.” Accept the fact that you, and I, and all men who want to be fulfilled, are always going to be working on these things.

Now let’s talk about knowing what is appropriate in conveying to a woman that you are interested in her sexually while still being a respectful gentleman.

I am a respectful gentleman. That is always utmost. That is never going to change. And besides, I feel good about myself in that.

But you can still be a respectful gentleman and still convey your sexual interest. There are some things to keep in mind:

1. Women are proper ladies, but are also very sexual creatures that love to get slutty.
   

2. Women like to know that they are attractive and desired, if they are treated with respect, appreciated as a person, and not objectified.
   

And finally, sex is natural. We were all born sexual creatures. And it's OK.

So, keep on treating women with respect, but start mixing in a little bit of an indication that YOU know that SHE is a highly sexual creature that enjoys being desired (in a respectful sensual way, not in a horn dog insulting way) by expressing your admiration of how she is attractive, or sensual, or similar desirable feminine trait.

I will give specific examples later in the book, but for now let’s concentrate on improving your beliefs. So long as you do it in a fun way and in the context of respect, women appreciate a man who can escalate things, and they figure that if you know the rules, you probably know how to please women.