Until I Love Again (10 page)

“I'm not facing anyone today, other than Joey if he stops by.”

“Susanna, please!”
Mamm
grabbed her arm. “You are doing no such thing.”

Susanna almost pulled back, but
Mamm
meant this for her own
goot
. Truth was, she had acted all week like a
bobbli
, but she couldn't help it. Her entire life had been a lie. How did one deal with that?

“You are still my daughter,”
Mamm
said. “
Yah
, you should have been told about your
Englisha mamm
when you were young. I'm sorry now that I didn't insist, but maybe it's not too late for us to start over. I love you, Susanna, as if you were my own. That has not changed.”
Mamm
took Susanna's hand. “I raised you and loved you as only I could.”

Susanna managed to nod. There was no sense in hurting
Mamm
unnecessarily. What
Mamm
said was true. She couldn't imagine how her own
mamm
could have mothered her better. “Did you know my real
mamm
?” Susanna asked.

Mamm
looked away. “We had best not speak of her. Some things are best left with the Lord.”

Susanna leaned closer. “So you
did
know her, yet you married
Daett
.”

Mamm
meet her gaze. “I have forgiven your
daett
, as you must forgive him. There is no
goot
in speaking of the past.”

“But there is
goot
in speaking of one's
mamm
,” Susanna insisted. “I have a right to know. In fact, I must know.”

Mamm
's face softened, but she still hesitated.

“I must know,” Susanna continued. “I will only learn it from other people if you don't tell me.”

Mamm
's voice caught. “Your
mamm
looked much like you, Susanna. I didn't know her well, but we saw each other while I was on my
rumspringa
time. Things were different back then. Few of our young people jumped the fence, so we mingled freely with the
Englisha
people. Which was all to our own shame, of course.”

Susanna ignored the comment. “How old was I when you married
Daett
?”

Mamm
thought for a moment. “Six months or so. Your
daett
saw his mistake early, and he was glad that I didn't reject him once I knew. We had dated a few times, but our relationship was nothing serious. He offered Mindy the chance to join the community and marry him, but she wasn't interested. Mindy told him she would raise the child by herself.”
Mamm
looked away. “Your
daett
promised his financial support, and he would have kept his word. Did he not take you in when the time came?”

“And so did you.” Susanna softened and reached out toward
Mamm
.

Mamm
pulled her close for a hug. “I loved your
daett
, more than I can say. And a child is not to blame for her parents' mistakes. Don't you see that's why
Daett
has been so concerned for you and this Joey fellow? You must not follow in your
daett
's sins, Susanna. Be thankful that Ernest has given you a marriage offer. I know you might not love him yet, but love comes slowly sometimes. Once you say the
marriage vows this past trouble can be forgotten forever, and love will come even quicker then. No one need speak any more about this matter.”

Susanna caught her breath, but the words of denial stuck in her mouth. She had not agreed to marry Ernest, so why was everyone assuming she would? Was her silence the same as assent? Ernest wasn't a bad choice for a husband, and he must be a
goot
man. How else could his two girls have turned out so cute? But she didn't love him. She had always planned to love a man before she dated him, much less marry him. Yet
Daett
and
Mamm
were correct. If she wished to marry in the community, she had no choice other than Ernest. She could remain single, but the shame would be great, perhaps too great to bear.

“Come now,”
Mamm
said. “The men are in, and we need to leave soon. I'll help you dress.”

“I'm not a
bobbli
,” Susanna protested.

Mamm
's smile was thin. “Sometimes we need extra loving care. Now get out from under the quilt.”

Susanna got out of bed slowly. All the strength seemed to have left her body. She couldn't resist anything at the moment. “Is Ernest planning on courting me today?” The words came out as a croak.

Mamm
's smile vanished. “Not yet. Your
daett
had the sense to tell him to wait until you have had a few baptismal classes behind you before he makes any official move. Bishop Enos will look more favorably on the matter after that.”

“Baptismal classes!” The room spun in circles.

Mamm
nodded. “Starting today,
yah
. That's all the more reason you must attend the services. You can't miss the first class.”

“But I'm not ready to join,” Susanna whispered. “Nor can I be Ernest's
frau
. I don't love the man.”

“You will love the man in time.”
Mamm
leaned closer to hold up a dress she had selected for Susanna. “We'll help you just as we're doing now. There is no other answer. We cannot have you bear the shame of a single life—not for this reason.”

Bitterness against
Daett
rose inside of Susanna, but she couldn't go there. She hadn't said a word to
Daett
all week, other than a mumbled “
goot
morning.”

Daett
had stayed out of her way, no doubt realizing she needed the space.
Daett
always seemed to understand her needs, but this morning she must face him.

“It's time you spoke with your
daett
,”
Mamm
said, as if reading Susanna's thoughts. “You can't attend the baptismal classes while there is silence between
Daett
and you. The Lord only blesses the heart that is open.”

Susanna waited while
Mamm
placed the straight pins in the sleeves of her dress. She could have done those herself, but it felt
goot
to hold still at the moment. Perhaps someday she could move again, but right now there was only numbness inside of her. The coldness began deep down and didn't stop until it reached every part of her body.

Mamm
took Susanna's hand, and they walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs together.
Daett
looked up from his chair, alarm filling his face, as they entered the living room. He must have sensed that Susanna was ready to speak to him about the matter.

Susanna squeezed her eyes shut, and her words began in fits and starts. “How could you have not told me before,
Daett
? Couldn't you just have…even a hint? Would that have been so wrong? Would I have died? It feels like I have now. You had all this time! All these years! How did you think I would never find out?”

Tears formed in
Daett
's eyes. “I am guilty of all you say, Susanna, and of even more. My sins follow me to this day, and their sorrow
has come on you. I dare not ask your forgiveness. I wish only to make right what I have done wrong, so far as it is in my power to do so.”

Weakness swept over Susanna, and the anger left.
Daett
's words had that effect on her. They always had. She loved the man, and yet…

Daett
stood up to stand beside Susanna. His arm slipped around her shoulder and he pulled her close. “You will always be mine,”
Daett
said. “
Mamm
feels the same way. We can't change the past, but we can help shape the future with our choices. The way has been opened for you, Susanna. I know it will not be easy, but we are here to stand with you and to walk the road beside you. Ernest will be a
goot
husband for you, and you will love his girls. And someday, if the Lord wills that other
kinner
be given to you, we will have our first grandchildren to love and to hold. They will never know that sin once cast its grave shadow upon your life. The Lord will see to this, as we walk in His ways.”

Susanna leaned against
Daett
's shoulder. What else could she do? She had no strength to hold up her head, let alone protest.

“
Mamm
must have told you about the baptismal classes by now,”
Daett
continued. “Take courage, Susanna. I told Bishop Enos about our situation this week, and he will make things easy for you. All you must do is get up on your own two feet and walk upstairs. Nothing more is required of you.”

Mamm
spoke up. “Susanna will do this. I know she will.”

Chapter Ten

S
ome twenty minutes later, Henry pulled on the reins to turn Ranger toward Deacon Herman's place on Bush Road. This section of the pavement didn't go far, and Susanna waited for the moment when the deacon's driveway came into sight. When she saw his place, the line of buggies beside the barn was still short, so
Mamm
had been correct—early was better this morning. Fewer people would be around to see her shame. She ought to wear a sign around her neck that read, “
Yah,
I have an
Englisha mamm
.” Maybe the shame would end sooner that way.

But on the other hand, she must not allow this bitterness a voice. Most of the community would know what had transpired last week. They would still be kind to her. She could be thankful for that. She shouldn't blame the community for how they saw things. The world on the other side of the fence was a dangerous thing. There were reasons why no young unmarried Amish man would take her home from the hymn singing—or ever would.
Englisha
girls were known to leave their husbands after the wedding vows were said. Not even baptism would cleanse that fear from their minds. Only an experienced widower like Ernest figured he could take a chance on her
Englisha
wildness. And the next widower who showed an interest might be a worse option than Ernest—if such a man ever dared.

“Easy there, boy,” Henry muttered to Ranger as he slowed for the turn into Deacon Herman's driveway.

There was no danger that Ranger would overturn the buggy, but Henry must have felt the need to say something. They had driven in silence all the way from home.

“Hold it there, boy,” Henry muttered again, bringing Ranger to a stop at the end of the sidewalk.

Susanna climbed carefully down the buggy step. The path to the house was empty of women at the moment, but the last thing she needed was a clumsy spill.

Susanna took a deep breath and forced her feet forward. She paused before she opened the washroom door, hearing the low murmur of women's voices coming from inside. Maybe she should flee right now and leave the community permanently. Joey would help her leave, but did she really want to? That was the question. She was too confused to know right now. Better to go with the flow. That road had been mapped out for her. What did it matter if she married Ernest and didn't feel anything for the man before the wedding? That was better than thoughts of jumping the fence. Susanna pressed her lips together and opened the door.

Benny Yoder's
frau
, Beth, and John Chupp's
frau
, Esther, had been whispering together. They looked up when she walked in with startled looks on their faces. Both managed to smile. After a quick “
goot
morning,” the two women grabbed their young daughters and scurried out of the washroom.

Susanna dropped her shawl on the table. At least she hadn't been treated with outright rejection. There would, of course, be lingering questions in many minds until she said the wedding vows with Ernest. Even then there would be a few who would wait to see if she
would still jump the fence into the
Englisha
world and leave Ernest without a
frau
—for his lifetime. That was the horror an
Englisha frau
could inflict on an Amish man.