Until I Love Again (2 page)

“It's about time you thought about settling down,”
Daett
had said only last week with a grin, but underneath his beard the lines had deepened on his face. She knew
Daett
well enough to know that he was worried, and so was
Mamm
.
Mamm
didn't tease like
Daett
, but of late
Mamm
's steps had grown slower as each weekend approached and Susanna spent time away from the homeplace.

Susanna climbed out of the buggy to unhitch Charlie from the shafts. She led him toward the barn while her thoughts whirled. Neither
Mamm
nor
Daett
knew where she was spending her time on Saturday nights, and that was how she intended things to stay. She had let
Mamm
think she was at the usual parties the other young people attended in Heuvelton.

The result was that neither
Mamm
nor
Daett
knew of the quiet hours she had spent at Joey's house over the past few months—nor of her newfound love for music. She had even learned to play the piano at Joey's, much to her own surprise. She had picked it up more easily than even Joey's mom, Beatrice, had imagined she would. And by now, Susanna had grown to love the feel of her fingers moving across the keys.
Yah
, she had taken to music like a duck to water. She was better now than even Joey, who had been taking lessons from his
mamm
for years.

Daett
would never understand how such a fancy thing had gained a hold on her. The community sang songs at the Sunday
services, but it wasn't the same as music from a piano. She could never explain the difference to
Mamm
or
Daett
, which was why she hadn't tried.

Susanna pushed open the barn door, and her younger brother Henry hollered from the back of the barn, “Home from a hard day's work, I see. Oh, and happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Susanna forced a cheerful note into her voice.

“Did you pass
Daett
on your way home?” Henry asked as he tossed a bale of straw into the stall beside Charlie's. A cloud of dust drifted upward.

Susanna drew a long breath before she answered. “
Daett
went to town?”

“Yep!” Henry's voice no longer had its tease. “James is still in the field, but the axle broke on the wagon I was driving. I think it's been cracked for a while. Anyway,
Daett
hoped to reach the hardware store before they closed.”

“I didn't see him.” Susanna turned Charlie into his stall. “I guess
Daett
must have passed through before I started home.”

“Must have,” Henry allowed. “Or were you daydreaming?”

“I was minding my own business,” she said, and hurried past him to exit the barn.

Henry's chuckle followed her. Susanna closed the barn door and continued her rush across the lawn. If
Daett
was going to the hardware store, he would surely pass the sign at the seed and feed. No doubt he would have words to say upon his return, but the matter was out of her hands now. She couldn't do anything but pray and hope.

Susanna entered the house by the washroom door and tried to smile as she opened the door to the kitchen.

“
Goot
evening,” she sang out, mustering up as much cheerfulness as she could.

“
Goot
evening,”
Mamm
replied. She was bent over the stove, and at once, Susanna started to set the table for supper. She counted the pieces under her breath, hoping to settle her nerves. A knife and fork each for
Daett
and
Mamm
, and then there were her brothers. She laid out the place settings for Henry, James, Noah, and little Tobias.
Yah
, all brothers. She was the only girl in the family, but she didn't mind. A sister would be great, but her brothers didn't bother her much. And she was allowed the freedom to drive her own buggy on Saturday nights, a tradition she had begun before Henry turned sixteen. She liked all of her brothers, from Henry down to three-year-old Tobias, who was now peering at Susanna around the kitchen doorway.

Susanna gave him a smile. “You want to sit down? Wait for supper?”

Tobias shook his head as
Mamm
said, “Better wait. He'll just be poking his finger into the food before it's dished out.”

“Will you?” Susanna asked with another smile.

Tobias solemnly shook his head again, his tousled hair covering his ears. Tobias needed a haircut, but
Mamm
had been too busy this week. Perhaps Susanna should try her hand at haircuts. Her fingers could skim over the piano keys, so why couldn't they handle the scissors?
Mamm
, though, had always kept the task for herself, and none of Susanna's brothers would let her experiment on them.

“Don't tempt him,”
Mamm
said. “You know he's hungry.”

“
Yah
,” Susanna agreed. “He's always hungry.”

Mamm
ignored the remark and said, “Ernest Helmuth came by today. I saw him speaking with
Daett
out in the barnyard. He sure was looking toward the house often enough.”

Susanna pressed her lips together, but
Mamm
continued as if she hadn't made the point. “I'm sure he was hoping for a glimpse of you.”

“Doesn't the man know I work each day at the DeKalb Building
Supply?” Susanna snapped. “I would think that would be the first thing to learn if you're interested in a woman.”

“Come now,”
Mamm
chided. “Ernest has plenty of things on his mind. He cares for his two small girls all by himself, with no
frau
and all of his farmwork. You ought to pay more attention to the man at the church services. That and…”
Mamm
focused on the pan in front of her, with the point temporarily forgotten.

But Susanna knew what
Mamm
meant. Both
Daett
and
Mamm
had taken a liking to the widower Ernest Helmuth, and unless she missed her guess, they planned to push her into a marriage with the man.

“Ernest is such a good
daett
to his little girls since their
mamm
passed,”
Mamm
continued. “Any man with such a tender touch would make a woman happy.”

Susanna kept her voice low. “What if I'm not interested?” There was no way Tobias could understand this conversation, but he studied their faces with interest.

“Of course you wouldn't be.”
Mamm
's statement was tinged with frustration. “You've not given the man a fair chance. You're getting older, Susanna, and it's high time to think of settling down.”

“And if I do that, how will you handle the house by yourself?” Susanna asked in a desperate attempt at distraction.

Mamm
wasted no time in batting down the excuse. “Look how we're living now, Susanna. You work at the building supply part-time and some weekends, and we're making out okay. There's no reason for you to turn down an eligible man's interest. A suitable marriage partner for you is more important than how I'll run a household of boys by myself. A woman's place is in the home, Susanna, and not out there in the
Englisha
world.”
Mamm
waved her hand in the general direction of the town of DeKalb. “I should
never have agreed to let you work in that place, but what's done is done, and we can only go forward from here.”

Susanna pressed her lips together again. This discussion was familiar territory. She wasn't attached to her job because it was part of the
Englisha
world, but it was useless to tell
Mamm
so. That was the only reason
Mamm
could imagine for Susanna's hesitation in joining the spring instruction classes. So far she had not told
Mamm
the real reason, but perhaps she would have no choice once
Daett
came home from the trip into town—if he noticed the sign.

If Joey had only known the trouble it was going to cause, he wouldn't have asked Marisa to put it up. But Joey didn't understand her world like she did his. And Joey had no intention to learn about her Amish world. That much he had made clear more than once. Not that it mattered. Susanna had no plans for their relationship to move beyond friendship. She planned to settle down in the community eventually, and Joey was headed for law school.

Mamm
put a smile on her face. “Are you daydreaming about being Ernest's
frau
? That's sometimes the first step, you know. Even before you know if the relationship will work out.
Yah
, Ernest is a fine man, Susanna.
Daett
thinks highly of him, and so do I.”

“No, I'm not thinking about him,” Susanna retorted.

The smile stayed on
Mamm
's face. “Then think about those two cute little girls of his. Don't you just love them? You'd have a right decent start at a family from the get-go, Susanna. And you would be spared the pains of bearing them.”

Susanna felt the heat rise to her face. She glanced at Tobias. He still regarded her with that intense look of his, as if he understood every word, which wasn't possible. This conversation wasn't decent for adult ears, and hopefully it was unintelligible to three-year-olds.

“I almost invited Ernest and his girls for supper tonight,”
Mamm
continued, “but I thought that might be a little too much and too soon. You should give him a few smiles at the services and encourage his heart, though. He's lonely, Susanna. And it's a great honor for our family that Ernest is thinking of you as his future
frau
. You should get down on your knees and thank the Lord instead of hesitating. You might lose him.”

Susanna gave
Mamm
a sharp glance and opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. She had heard enough about Ernest for one evening. The boys would soon be in for supper. And there was
Daett
's buggy just now, coming down the lane.

A chill crept up Susanna's back as she hurried to move the hot food over to the table.
Mamm
gave her frequent sideway glances but said nothing more about Ernest Helmuth.

Chapter Two

A
n hour later, Susanna reached over to tug Tobias's hand as he attempted to smear an extra layer of butter onto his bread. “Don't do that,” she chided. “Enough is enough.”

“But I like butter,” Tobias protested.

“Susanna's right,”
Daett
chimed in. “We must be moderate in all we do.”
Daett
gave his young son a smile. “Life offers many choices and we must choose what is right, which means restraining ourselves on things that might not be wrong in themselves.”

Tobias appeared puzzled at this deep lecture over such a small offense, but he settled back on his bench without further protest. Susanna glanced again at her
daett
's face. He had given no indication of having seen the sign at the seed and feed. Was it possible he had overlooked it?

“Pass the potatoes again,”
Mamm
said to Susanna. When she didn't respond, still gazing at her
daett
,
Mamm
repeated the request.

“She's thinking about Ernest Helmuth,” James teased. “I saw him here today, speaking with
Daett
for much longer than necessary. The poor man must have greatly desired a glimpse of Susanna on the porch.”

“Oh, stop it,” Susanna ordered. “Must the whole community know about this?”

James chuckled.

“I think we should speak of something more decent,” Henry said.

“Thank you.” Susanna gave him a grateful smile. “Glad someone has
goot
sense among the males of this household. I—”

Daett
cleared his throat, and Susanna stopped in midsentence. “The love between a man and a woman is not a matter of shame,”
Daett
lectured. “That goes for you, James, as well as Susanna. We can tease each other, but let's not forget that the Lord made Adam and Eve and placed them on this earth to multiply and replenish the land. This is a sacred task, and we must take our duty with soberness and prayerfulness before the Lord.”